Aantares    Aantares BB  Hop To Forum Categories  Your Etc. Forums  Hop To Forums  Social Hour: Chit-chat 'bout this 'n that    Recycled Stuff 2018
      Page: 1 ... 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 ... 25
Go To
Post
Search BB
Notify Me
TOS/Tools/Smilies
Reply
  
Recycled Stuff 2018
 Login/Register
 
Chronic...
posted Hide Post
Doctors Jokes

A surgeon was checking on a patient who had a hernia operation three days before.
The doctor asked the man why he had not gotten out of bed.

"I hurt," the man said. "You don't know how it feels."

"I know exactly how it feels," the doctor said. "I had the same procedure last month, and I was back at work two days later. There's no difference in our operations."

"Oh yes there is," said the patient. "You had a different surgeon."
 
Posts: 9030 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
posted Hide Post
Musician Jokes

The doorbell rang, and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front door. "Lady," he announced, "I'm the piano tuner."

The lady exclaimed, "Why, I didn't send for a piano tuner."

The man replied, "I know, but your neighbors did."

(Hmm - do ya suppose somebody's trying to tell her something?)
 
Posts: 9030 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
AAA+
Picture of True Conservative
posted Hide Post
What do you get when you cross a termite with a comedian?

I don't know, but it really brought the house down.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Impeachment Is Sad For The Country When It's An Attempt To Overturn An Election

Ron Paul: Impeachment.....Or CIA Coup?

Proud To Be Defending President Trump
 
Posts: 115499 | Location: Sunny Florida | Mbr Since: 10-06-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
posted Hide Post
================================================
~~~TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS~~~
================================================
December 14, 1972
My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always,
Agnes
================================================
December 15, 1972
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
================================================
December 16, 1972
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
All my love,
Agnes
================================================
December 17, 1972
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
================================================
December 18, 1972
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
=================================================
December 19, 1972
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
================================================
December 20, 1972
John:
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
================================================
December 21, 1972
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smarta$$.
Agnes
================================================
December 22, 1972
Hey S##thead:
What are you.....some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours !
Agnes
================================================
December 23, 1972
You rotten pr##k:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been b##ling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of s@!t. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you !
Agnes
================================================
December 24, 1972
Listen F###head:
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maid and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
You're sworn enemy,
Agnes
================================================
December 25, 1972
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.
With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Law Offices
of
Badger, Bender and Chole

--------------------
 
Posts: 9030 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
posted Hide Post
May 12, 2006 Christmas (Louise)

--------------------
The Joke

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor panty hose hung sadly empty and grew increasingly threadbare.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and a fake beard and went in search of an inflatable love doll. Of course, they don't sell those things at Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there almost three hours saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who owns that?" "Do you have their phone number?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll suitable for a night of romance that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. I'm not sure what a complicated doll is. Perhaps one that is subject to wild mood shifts and using a French accent for no reason at all.(That also describes a few ex-girlfriends.) Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I figured the "vibro-motion" was a feature Jay could live without, so I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and cleverly left the front door key hidden under the mat. In the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I snuck into the house and filled the dangling panty hose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. Then I let myself out, went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. He would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. I suggested he purchase an inflatable Lassie to set Rover straight. We also agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. It seemed like a great idea, except that we forgot that Grandma and Grandpa would be there.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the heck is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained.

"It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. I hadn't seen any in the box, but I kept this information to myself.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless.

"Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said," Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. The she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed, I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

John Limbach

==============
 
Posts: 9030 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
posted Hide Post
Christmas, a Multicultural Experience

The teacher, Ms. Pelzner, was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas. She called on young Patrick Murphy.

"Tell me Patrick, what do you do at Christmas time?" she asked.

Patrick addressed the class, "Well Ms. Pelzner, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to the Midnight Mass and we sing hymns, and then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"

"Well, me and my sister also go to Church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls-Royce, then we drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing, 'What a friend we have in Jesus.' Then we all go to the Bahamas."

Charles

--------------------
 
Posts: 9030 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
posted Hide Post
*****
What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney?
Santa Claus-trophobia

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
Sandy Claws

The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus
He is Santa Claus

Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it soots him

What can Santa give away and still keep?
A cold

Why do giraffes get Christmas gifts every year?
They are so good that they'll stick their necks out for anyone

Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log

What do elves learn in school?
The Elf-abet!

What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish

Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him

What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!

==============

Airplane Jokes

Why is the mistletoe hanging over the baggage counter?" asked the airline passenger, amid the holiday rush.

The clerk replied, "It's so you can kiss your luggage good-bye."

==============
 
Posts: 9030 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
posted Hide Post
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph (nose and all) to Blitzen - had to be a girl.

We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

==============
 
Posts: 9030 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
AAA+
Picture of True Conservative
posted Hide Post
A guy said he had to get home to do some mechanic work. It involved putting a rear end in his recliner.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Impeachment Is Sad For The Country When It's An Attempt To Overturn An Election

Ron Paul: Impeachment.....Or CIA Coup?

Proud To Be Defending President Trump
 
Posts: 115499 | Location: Sunny Florida | Mbr Since: 10-06-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
posted Hide Post
Copied from an earlier BB forum:

The computer swallowed grandma.
Yes, honestly it's true.
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.

It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.

I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.

In desperation, I asked Jeeves
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online.'

So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
My Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy,' 'Scan' and 'Paste' her
And send her back to me!

-- Author Unknown

---------------------------------------------
 
Posts: 9030 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
posted Hide Post
Eating Tips for the Holidays

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can and quickly. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an "eggnog-aholic" or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it!!!! Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand-alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello???

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, pumpkin and mincemeat - have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips: Start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

==============
 
Posts: 9030 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
posted Hide Post
================================
Some Cat's New Years Resolutions
================================

My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie.

I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.

I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain.

I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished watching The X-Files.

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.

Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubble bath and singe my bottom.

I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door.

Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.

The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh.

I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.

When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not* a hammock.

Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help installing a new board in her computer.

================================
 
Posts: 9030 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
posted Hide Post
Entertainment Jokes

Susan and Martha meet at the market and exchange news.

Susan said: My husband was named Man of the Year.

Martha replied: Well that shows you what kind of a year it's been.

========================
 
Posts: 9030 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
posted Hide Post
Kid Jokes

On the first day of school, the kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."

A little voice from the back of the room asked "How will that help?"

(Good question!)
 
Posts: 9030 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
posted Hide Post
Miscellaneous Jokes

The best part about owning a restaurant for cats is the your customers don't complain when they get hair in their food.

(And, hare probably wouldn't bugs them either, the wascals.)

========================

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

========================
 
Posts: 9030 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
posted Hide Post
Doctors Jokes

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him an exam and found nothing physically wrong with him. "Listen," the doctor said, "if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you need to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."

"It's true," said the patient, "but my wife refuses to sleep alone."
 
Posts: 9030 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
posted Hide Post
Elderly Jokes

"I see you're losing your hair."
"Nonsense. I know exactly where it is - down the bathroom sink."

That one reminded somebody of this one:

That elderly joke reminds me of one that Joan Rivers told recently on the Graham Norton show.

"When men tell me, 'I've lost my hair', I ask them, 'Have you checked your ears?'"
 
Posts: 9030 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
AAA+
Picture of True Conservative
posted Hide Post
If a pig loses his voice is he disgruntled?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Impeachment Is Sad For The Country When It's An Attempt To Overturn An Election

Ron Paul: Impeachment.....Or CIA Coup?

Proud To Be Defending President Trump
 
Posts: 115499 | Location: Sunny Florida | Mbr Since: 10-06-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
posted Hide Post
Miscellaneous Jokes

There is a knock on the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks out, and a man is standing there. Saint Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears. A moment later there's another knock. Saint Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, but the man disappears once again. "Hey, are you playing games with me?" Saint Peter calls after him, rather annoyed.
"No" the man's distant voice replies anxiously.
"They are trying to resuscitate me."
 
Posts: 9030 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
posted Hide Post
quote:
Originally posted by True Conservative:
If a pig loses his voice is he disgruntled?

Nah, just in need of some oinkment.
 
Posts: 9030 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
AAA+
Picture of True Conservative
posted Hide Post
LOL!   :lol:


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Impeachment Is Sad For The Country When It's An Attempt To Overturn An Election

Ron Paul: Impeachment.....Or CIA Coup?

Proud To Be Defending President Trump
 
Posts: 115499 | Location: Sunny Florida | Mbr Since: 10-06-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
posted Hide Post
From an episode of Jeopardy!:

Q: The cartoon character Porky the Pig appeared with a cat named what?

A: What is "Beans".

Think about it...

(Are you ready for this?)

The two of them were "Porky and Beans".
 
Posts: 9030 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Devoted...
Picture of Reed N D Dark
posted Hide Post
quote:
Originally posted by Henry J:
From an episode of Jeopardy!:

Q: The cartoon character Porky the Pig appeared with a cat named what?

A: What is "Beans".

Think about it...

(Are you ready for this?)

The two of them were "Porky and Beans".


Sylvester was there too, but i found this interesting.

“In 1935, animator Friz Freleng attempted to jumpstart the studio with his Merrie Melodies cartoon I Haven't Got a Hat. Its cast consisted of cute animal characters with funny names; e.g., Ham and Ex, Porky and Beans, Oliver Owl, and Little Kitty. Schlesinger hoped that some would catch on with audiences and become bankable stars”
 
Posts: 5259 | Location: Central PA | Mbr Since: 05-14-2017Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
posted Hide Post
Of those, Porky's the only one I recall hearing of before.

But what of Elmer Fudd and the the wascally wabbit?

Not to mention Daffy Duck.

Or are they from different companies?
 
Posts: 9030 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Devoted...
Picture of Reed N D Dark
posted Hide Post
quote:
Originally posted by Henry J:
Of those, Porky's the only one I recall hearing of before.

But what of Elmer Fudd and the the wascally wabbit?

Not to mention Daffy Duck.

Or are they from different companies?


Same company the best I could tell. Wiki listed all of them. I can’t believe you don’t remember Sylvester, but then I don’t remember beans!
 
Posts: 5259 | Location: Central PA | Mbr Since: 05-14-2017Reply With QuoteReport This Post
  Powered by Social Strata       Page: 1 ... 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 ... 25 
 

    Aantares    Aantares BB  Hop To Forum Categories  Your Etc. Forums  Hop To Forums  Social Hour: Chit-chat 'bout this 'n that    Recycled Stuff 2018

© 2003-2019 Aantares Online LLC. All Rights Reserved.