Asia was by far my favorite destination," the woman bragged at the party, though she had never been out of the United States. "Enigmatic and magical, beautiful beyond belief. And China, of course, is the pearl of the Asian oyster."
"What about the pagodas?" a man besides her asked. "Did you see them?"
"Did I see them? My dear, I had dinner with them."
(One of these days, somebody should buy that woman a dictionary! )
The psychiatrist said sternly to the patient: "If you think you are walking out of here cured after only three sessions, you are crazy."
(I've heard that anybody who goes to a psychiatrist should get their head examined.)
(Then there was the guy who was asked if his relatives suffered from insanity. He said no, they seem to enjoy it. )
|Here to stay...|
The people's flag is deepest red It shrouded oft our martyred dead
...Though cowards flinch and traitors sneer We'll keep the red flag flying here
Later in the day, the history teacher was lecturing on the founding of Roman civilization and asked the class "When was Rome built?"
Wee Willie immediately raised his hand and responded "At night!"
The teacher frowned and asked where he had learned that. Wee Willie replied: "My dad - he always says that Rome wasn't built in a day..."
(If it wasn't build by day, was it build by knights? Or maybe displaced Trojans? )
The chemistry teacher at Strathtweed High School asked if anyone in the class could recall the chemical composition of water - which he had given in the previous lesson. Wee Willie Forsyth's hand shot up and he responded "H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O sir!"
The teacher was stunned and asked "Where did you get that from?"
Wee Willie replied "It was you, sir. You said yesterday that the chemical composition of water was H to O."
(Sounds like that kid's gonna be a man of letters! Though probably not a chemist. )
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. love you darling! Love, Meghan"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!
Broken Coffee Table: $139.00
Hot Breakfast: $4.20
Two Aspirins: $0.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time: Priceless
Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium, the 586?
A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got 585.999983605.
A guy swallowed a live frog and his buddies rushed him to the ER. They were afraid he was going to croak any minute.
Then when they got the frog out, they took it to a veterinarian. But it croaked.
An Antartian boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?"
The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
(Just in case his mother wants a lift?)
GETTING OLDER A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'.."
A husband asks: Why do you weep and snuffle over a TV program and the imaginary sadness of people you have never met?
Wife: For the same reason you scream and yell when a man you don't know makes a touchdown.
The top ten ways the Bible would have been different if it had been written by college students:
10. The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning ... cold.
9. The Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in a large font.
8. New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.
7. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.
6. Paul's letter to the Romans becomes Paul's e-mail to email@example.com.
5. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
4. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.
3. Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes.
2. Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.
1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.
About #9: On a side note, it was established in the documentary by Mel Brooks that there were originally fifteen of those commandments, but he dropped the third tablet.
Three guys are golfing with the club pro. First guy tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to the pro and says, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says, "Loft."
The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says "Loft."
The third guy tees off and hits a slice into a pond. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says "Loft."
As they're walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up. He says to the pro, "The three of us hit completely different tee shots, and when we asked you what we did wrong you answered the same exact answer each time. What is loft?"
The pro says, "Lack Of Freaking Talent."
A kid's view on marriage
What Exactly Is Marriage?
Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents. Eric, six years old.
When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out. Anita, nine years old.
How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?
You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one. Kelly, nine years old.
My mother says to look for a man who is kind... That's what I'll do... I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome. Carolyn, eight years old.
Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married
Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife. Bert, five years old.
How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?
They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down... It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values. Lottie, nine years old.
My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind. Jeremy, eight years old.
What Do Most People Do on a Date? On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. Martin, ten years old.
Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love. Craig, nine years old.
When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?
You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding. Allan, ten years old.
Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you.... If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours. Kally, nine years old.
The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?
You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan. Kirsten, ten years old.
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them. Anita, nine years old.
It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble. Will, seven years old.
The Rector--"It's terrible for a man like you to make every other word an oath."
The Man-- "Oh, well, I swear a good deal and you pray a good deal, but we don't neither of us mean nuthin' by it."
(Well, shazbot! Er, frak! Oh my stars! Er, Shazam! Good grief! Oh sweet nibblets! )
This is the story of what really went on when God tried to communicate to Moses how he created the earth and all things, great and small. It explains why it was not possible to give much detail that would be interesting to modern scientists but would give the general idea to people who lived at the time of Moses. The conversation went something like this:
God: 4.5 billion years ago I formed earth from a swirling mass.....
Moses: What's a billion?
God: It is a thousand million.
Moses: What's a million?
God: Never mind. On the first day I created heaven and earth. Then I brought forth molecules of ribonucleic acids which were self replicating and had enzymatic activity. These formed and began producing copies of themselves. Due to the enzymatic activity they began to link amino acids in chains of polypeptide. Moses? MOSES! Are you getting this?
Moses: Sorry God. I must have dozed off. What's a ribonuk asad? And why did it have enemy act-ivity?
God: Never mind. And I said let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit trees yielding fruit after its kind... Moses, shall I tell you of deme size, genetic drift and founder effects?
Moses: Maybe not. You know us Hebrews. We had a difficult enough time with those command-ments you gave us.
God: You're right. Maybe not. So the earth did bring forth grass and herb yielding seed after its kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after its kind; and I saw that it was good.
EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
"So, how is everything going?" inquired God.
"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported Eve. And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put it.
"That is a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?" "Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight on your part. You see all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."
God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have over looked this?
You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you."
"Now let's see, where did I put the useless boob?"
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that story about the rib?
The police officer: "You were exceeding the speed limit, ma'am, weren't you?"
The driver: "Yes, I was, sir, but you see my brakes are so bad that I wanted to get home before I had an accident."
A reporter asked Bush today what he thought of Roe v Wade.
He responded that he didn't care how people get out of New Orleans!
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder?
This is how it manifests:
You decide to water your garden. As you turn on the hose in the driveway, you look over at your car and decide your car needs washing.
As you start toward the garage, you notice that there is mail on the porch table that you brought up from the mail box earlier. You decide to go through the mail before you wash the car.
You lay your car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, you decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then you think, since you are going to be near the mailbox when you take out the garbage anyway, you may as well pay the bills first.
You take your check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. Your extra checks are in your desk in the study, so you go inside the house to your desk where you find the can of Coke that you had been drinking.
You are going to look for your checks, but first you need to push the Coke aside so that you don't accidentally knock it over. You realize the Coke is getting warm, and you decide you should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As you head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches your eye -- they need to be watered. You set the Coke down on the counter, and you discover your reading glasses that you've been searching for all morning.
You decide you better put them back on your desk, but first you are going to water the flowers.
You set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly you spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. You realize that tonight when you go to watch TV, you will be looking for the remote, but you won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so you decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first you'll water the flowers.
You pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, you set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then you head down the hall trying to remember what you were planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the driveway is flooded
the car isn't washed,
the bills aren't paid,
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
there is still only one check in your check book,
You can't find the remote,
You can't find your glasses,
and you don't remember what you did with the car keys.
Then when you try to figure out why nothing got done today, You're really baffled because you know you were busy all day long, and you are really tired. You realize this is a serious problem, and you'll try to get some help for it, but first you'll check your e-mail.
Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent. Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming.
More money is spent on boob jobs and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research! By 2040 the elderly will have perky tits, stiff willies and no idea why!
"Dad, the career counselor said that with a mind like mine I should study criminal law."
"That is wonderful, son. I'm proud of you."
"He said I had a criminal mind."
(Book 'em, Dano! )
In a School science class four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol --- dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke --- dead.
The third worm in sperm --- dead.
The fourth worm in soil --- alive.
So the science teacher asked the class --- "What can you learn from this experiment."
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said. "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."
(Cause the worms will move to a better neighborhood, I guess? )
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
COSTELLO: For my office?
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's! just sa y I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W"
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers! OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT : Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue "w"?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It! comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)...
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. May I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START"...