"The Book of Genesis"
In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
God said, "Let there be light" and there was light. And God said," Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.
And the devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."
And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth."
And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created He them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.
And the devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game".
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And the devil created McDonald's.
And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the devil said to Man: "You want fries with that?"
And Man said: "Super size them." And Man gained five pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.
And the devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained five pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And the devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And the devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And the devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And the devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And the devil saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And the Devil created HMO's.
Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.
And the devil created lite beer so Man could poison his body with alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another 10 pounds.
And God created the life-giving tofu. And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked Man: "Do I look fat?"
And the devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did. And Woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor. And Woman put aside the seeds of the earth and took unto herself comfort food.
And God brought forth Weight-Watchers. It didn't help.
And God created exercise machines with easy payments. And Man brought forth his Visa at 21 percent. And the exercise machine went to dwell in the closet of Nod, east of the polyester leisure suit.
And in the fullness of time, Woman received the exercise machine from Man in the property settlement. It didn't help her, either.
The Irish fisherman
The rain was pouring down.
There standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.
A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?". "Fishing" replied the old man.
Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me.”
In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman, being a bit of a smart ass, cannot resist asking,
"So how many have you caught today?”
“You’re the eighth”, replied the old fisherman.
As a senior citizen was driving down the highway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-75. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
You might be an engineer if ... (part 1)
choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or upgrading your RAM is a moral dilemma.
You take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.
In college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.
The sales people at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions.
At an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling.
You bought your wife a new CD-ROM drive for her birthday.
You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
You can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting.
You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
You sit backwards on the Disneyland rides to see how they do the special effects.
You have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.
You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
You refer to "golden arches" as "yellow parabolas".
An optimist sees the glass as half full.
A pessimist sees the glass as half empty.
An engineer sees the glass as twice as big as it needs to be.
Only an engineer could have planned running a sewage outlet through a pleasure park.
|Never goes away...|
Nope that’s more likely the political planning committee trying to not dig up an upscale area or have to buy additional land. Same thing happens with roads that were designed with gentle curves!
A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?"
"You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist. "That's it, I can never remember that word."
Q: What's the most important thing to learn in chemistry?
A: Never lick the spoon.
First law of Laboratorics: Hot glass and cold glass look alike!
Q: Why are chemists great for solving problems?
A: They have all the solutions.
Teacher: What is the formula for water?
Student: H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O
Teacher: That's not what I taught you.
Student: But you said the formula for water was...H to O.
A Bad Attitude Is Like A Flat Tire.
You Won't Get Anywhere Until You Fix It.
You might be an engineer if ... (part 2)
You know what <http:// stands for.
You look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids' toys together.
You see a good design and still have to change it.
You spent more on buying your calculator than you did on buying your wedding ring.
You still own a slide rule and know how to use it.
You think that people yawning around you are sleep deprived.
You window shop at Radio Shack
Your laptop computer costs more than your car.
Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
You've already calculated how much you make per second.
You've tried to repair a $5 radio.
I still own one but it's been a very long time since I used it.
Please reassure me; tell me you are taking the piss out of me, not the planning committee.
|Never goes away...|
I’ve seen off ramps that were too tight, highways that had funny crooks, and hundreds of other mess that were modifications to the engineering plans. One protest the campus youth were participating in was about a same old slave community that was to be all but torn down, the community being totally be split up just to fix a commuter problem nearby. The route made little to no sense. The major road that had too many cars on it was the original proposal to be widened. All of the houses were set far back as if anticipating a widening. In fact they would still be quite far back even after the widening, especially compared to most other houses. That community didn’t want to loose their front lawns and petitioned to have the project rerooted and the planning committee acquiesced. They had money!
I can’t believe you thought I just wanted to take the wind out of you sails!
I was just reminding posters of the line that the Creator Deity had to be an engineer.
Three engineers are having lunch and discussing what kind of engineer God is. The mechanical engineer says, "God must be a mechanical engineer, look at the complex structures of the body!" The electrical engineer says, "No, look at the electrical processes of the body, which the brain could not operate without, he must be an electrical engineer." The civil engineer says, "You're both wrong, he had to be a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste line through a recreational area?"
|Never goes away...|
Fair enough, sorry I missed it. I’m more used to the swing pics where as envisioned, as designed, and as built down the programming chain changes to almost un imagined. And all that was wanted as a tire hanging from a rope. It got designed to be an elaborate swing and a build that looked like a 9 yo made it!
I did understand where you were coming from.
I remember two major roads which had serious flaws.
Both had three lanes each way.
In both, one overtaking lane suddenly ended, which meant the faster cars had nowhere to go. Be interesting to know how many accidents this caused.
Took the expert engineers a long time to sort it out.
|Never goes away...|
One of the ramps to the airport was banked the wrong way! It took forever, because it was new, to get it fixed.
Here one of the turns off the turnpike was too tight, you could count on at least 1 trailer overturn biweekly! What made it worse was the exit is to a very large logistics area which has enough trailers for one to have predicted the accidents. It has finally been fixed and truly took an enormous amount of land to do it. Vehicles traveling at 65mph do not slow immediately as the extra lane was short, and with the tight turn ...
Q: What is the definition of an engineer?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.
Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.
Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.
Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?
A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year.
Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.
(I think I resemble most of those remarks!)
"You have to kiss an awful lot of frogs before you find a prince."
"It takes a lot of practice for a girl to kiss like a beginner."
- Anonymous (Ladies Home Journal)
"It's not easy being green."
Tips For Getting The Most From Your I.T. Department (part 1 of 2)
1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 300 screen saver passwords.
4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
6. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
7. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
8. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
9. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
10. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.
11. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.
12. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
13. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
|Never goes away...|
We had a reverse one that I got three people I’d just met thinking I was psychic over! After calling a problem in and giving the workstation number and our location IT said they would be right there. I told the one calling that in about 5 minutes she would get a call back asking her if she is sure she is where she said she was! You got it in about 5 minutes her phone rang, I said there’s the call and sure enough, they wanted to know if she was where she said she was. We couldn’t stop lsughing. We always wondered why they thought anyone would call in and give an address where they weren’t!
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching"
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,
... but all men...are men!
Tips For Getting The Most From Your I.T. Department (part 2 of 2)
14. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.
15. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
16. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
17. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "my thingee blew up".
18. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
19. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them. [Squeak!]
20. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.
21. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?
22. When you find an I.T. person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have any money to speak of anyway.
23. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer carp". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as carp. [But at least the user didn't flounder!]
24. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call I.T. support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.
25. When you can't find someone in the phone directory, call I.T. [Who ya gonna call?]
Hacker: This is my first time playing golf. When do I use my putter?
Caddy: Some time before dark, I hope.
(Before FORE o'clock, even!)
It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Joe was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker - "Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please back up to the men's tee, please!"
Joe was still deep in his routine, attempting to ignore the announcer. Again the announcement - "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up the men's tee!"
Joe had enough. He shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"