The Southern 10 Commandments
1. Y'all shalt always remember your manners.
2. Y'all shalt make no fuss over yourself.
3. Y'all shalt not sass your mama.
4. Y'all shalt always wonder what your daddy would think.
5. Y'all shalt always talk the way you grow'ed up.
6. Y'all shalt tell no whoppers unless you are in a situation where you are expected to.
7. Y'all shalt demonstrate your great faith by the way you drive.
8. Y'all shalt always clean your plate.
9. Y'all shalt hold kinfolk in high regard, regardless of what you really think of 'em.
10. Y'all shalt always remember where you come from.
Ya'll come back now, ya hear?
Even if you're not a grandparent you will enjoy this. A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation.
One child wrote the following:
We always spend our vacation with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big, brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.
They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim. At their gate there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.
My grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds.
Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out, so the ones who get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.
My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded one day, too.
When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.
Handy Guide to Modern Science:
1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's Biology.
2. If it stinks, it's Chemistry.
3. If it doesn't work, it's Physics.
(Also, if it's elementary, then it's chemistry.)
Machines should work. People should think.
--IBM's Pollyanna Principle
The most ineffective workers will be systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage - management.
--The Dilbert Principle
It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
A big challenge of running a small business is dealing with employees' requests for time off.
One morning an employee said, "I need to leave early tomorrow."
Later that same day, he followed with, "Looks like I'll be coming in late tomorrow, but if my coming in late runs into my leaving early, then I won't be in at all."
*I think I used to work with that guy*
Some guy is claiming that a tonic of beer and urine will improve your garden.
Come on, if that was true, wouldn't frat houses be like tropical rain forests?
Show me a man who comes home in the evening, is greeted by a smile, is encouraged to take off his shoes, has pillows arranged on the floor for him, and is served a delicious meal - and I'll show you a man who lives in a Japanese restaurant!
Okay, you've heard of Murphy's famous Law: Everything that can go wrong will go wrong. Well, there are many other related Laws. Here are some:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
--Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair
Identical parts aren't.
Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner.
--Anthony's Law of the Workshop
Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
The solution to a problem changes the problem.
There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
Thinly sliced cabbage.
Don't do this... or rules for life.
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
A guy told his Doctor that he was suffering from insomnia. His Doctor told him not to loose any sleep over it.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
Simplicity is the natural result of profound thought.
Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
6. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than it was to get wiser.
7. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.
8. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.
9. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
11. It is hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
12. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
13. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
14. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play mah jongg.
15. It is not hard to meet expenses . . . They're everywhere.
16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the "hereafter".
I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".
18. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
19. It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.
20. Have I sent this message to you before...or did I get it from you?
I was playing tooth fairy when my daughter suddenly woke up. Seeing the money in my hand, she cried out, "I caught you!"
I froze and tried to think of an explanation for why I -- instead of the tooth fairy -- was putting the money under her pillow.
But her next words let me off the hook. "You put that money back!" she said indignantly. "The tooth fairy left that for me!"
(A fairy tale? How transcen-dental is that?)
Yes. No. Maybe.
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams".
(And we wonder why the divorce rate is so high!)
Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.
(Okay, but who else?)
The church welcomed all denominations but preferred tens and twenties.
(What, no singles?)
In my own experience, the period of greatest gain in knowledge and experience is the most difficult period in one's life. ...Through a difficult period, you can learn, you can develop inner strength, determination, and courage to face the problem. Who gives you this chance? Your enemy.
-His Holiness the Dalai Lama
A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them. Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: "Last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave."
At 6:30 p.m., the man stopped at his desk and found this note: "Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You drove, Dummy."
A witness is testifying before the court, and the prosecuting attorney is asking him questions: "You witnessed the robbery, sir?"
"What was stolen?"
"Did you see the thieves?"
"Could you identify them?"
"Are the two men who stole the televisions in this courtroom?"
At this point, the two defendants raised their hands.
(What's a defense attorney to do?)
An Aging Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?'
Seen on "T" Shirts
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are just missing.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam (seen on Cape Cod).
(to be continued...)
Rehab Is for Quitters.
My Dog Can Lick Anyone.
Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with the software.
My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
Police station toilet stolen .... Cops have nothing to go on.
Heck is where people go who don't believe in gosh.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Ham and eggs - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
Some Of The Worst News Headlines (1 of 2)
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
[Just how big was that violin?]
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
[So who's gonna take his confession?]
Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
[So what are girl scout cookies made of?]
Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
[Is that the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but?]
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
[De plane! De plane!]
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
[Hope they didn't have to go out on a limb to find it!]
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter
[No wonder those lines sometimes go so slow!]
Some Of The Worst News Headlines (2 of 2)
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[At least until they get hold of some duct tape!]
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
[The situation sounds grave!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[So what are girl scout cookies made of? (Can I help it if that line fit two of them?)]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Sounds like a tall order!]
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
[Shocking! Electrifying, even!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
[Then the negotiators better give it 110%, to avoid that outcome!]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[That's probably just a matter of degree.]