Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
Bear Market - A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets no sex.
Momentum Investing - The fine art of buying high and selling low.
Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the Market keeps crashing.
Broker - Poorer than you were in 1999.
Marriages are made in heaven.
Divorces are available locally.
Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be aware of it.
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
The Post Office received a package for a Chinese restaurant that went out of business. The package contained unfortunate cookies.
What did they give the guy who invented the door knocker?
The no bell prize.
"Buy, Buy" - A flight attendant making market recommendations as you Step off the plane.
Standard & Poor - Your life in a nutshell.
Stock Analyst - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
Stock split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally Between themselves.
Financial Planner - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs To the 7-11 for toilet paper and soda.
Market Correction - The day after you buy stocks.
Cash Flow - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the Toilet.
Call Option - Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before e-mail.
Day Trader - Someone who is disloyal from 9-5.
Cisco - Sidekick of Pancho.
Yahoo - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
Windows 2000 - What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo for $240 per share.
Institutional Investor - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nut house.
Profit - Religious guy who talks to God.
Bill Gates - Where God goes for a loan.
Alan Greenspan - God, yeah right.....
Mezzanine financing--Shoplifting merchandise at the department store to sell on the street, so you can eat tonight.
Float -- What you do after hurling yourself off a bridge.
Revolving finance -- Using one credit card to pay off the minimum payment(s) on (an)other(s).
Capital -- A safe building to sleep outside of, since they have a security patrol.
Only in America
Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
Only in America... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America... do they leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America... do they use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so they won't miss a call from someone they didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America... do they buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America... do they use the word "politics" to describe the process so well; "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures".
Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering
May the fourth be with you!
(Yeah, I know I posted that same one last year, but it seems to fit!)
Top Ten Changes to Cable Television Resulting from AOL Acquiring Time Warner...
10. When you turn on your television, you'll hear "You've got Pay Per View".
9. There will be a mysterious 19 hour period where your cable just won't work.
8. Test Patterns: Television's equivalent to a busy signal.
7. Every once in a while you have to have your cable reinstalled.
6. 100 Free Trial Hours of Cable Access which you can't cancel, no matter how hard you try.
5. CIA: Cable Instant Alerter. Now all your friends will know when you are watching television.
4. Childproof features on cable will prevent you from receiving programs from undesirable sources, including ones you really do want to receive.
3. The cable repairman tells you to turn your TV off and back on again when you report your cable is on the fritz.... again.
2. Relatives in neighboring towns make fun of you because you don't have a "real" cable company like they do.
1. "You've been watching TV too long. Your connection has been terminated."
[But, hopefully it'll be back.]
Judge: Do I understand that you're trying to show contempt for this court?
Lawyer: No your honor. I am trying to hide it.
If money could talk, it would just say "goodbye".
A city in Alaska passed a law outlawing all dogs.
It became known as Dogless Fairbanks.
Archaeologist: a scientist whose career lies in ruins.
Did You Hear About The Filipino Contortionist?
He's a Manila Folder.
Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten. He did all this, checking his progress in the car frequently, then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten.
But as he moved a little further forward, the rope broke. The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight.
The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on about his business.
A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"
She replied, "You won't believe this," and told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it."
(You can see where this is heading.)
She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her."
Being a hero is about the shortest-lived profession on earth.
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Two rules for life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
"Friendship consists of only one soul; inhabiting two bodies."
"My best friend is the man who in wishing me well wishes it for my sake."
"Real friendship is shown in times of trouble; prosperity is full of friends."
"There's something beautiful about finding one's innermost thoughts in another."
- Oliver Schreiner
Subject: FW: Ideas
"To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world."
(But, is that this world, or Another World?)
"Real friends are those who, when you feel you've made a fool of yourself, don't feel you've done a permanent job."
(Yeah, even a permanent hairdo goes away after some time.)
"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side."
(When trying to make something foolproof, never underestimate the ingenuity of fools.)
"I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.
(But check who else is going to be there, first.)
"Lead your life so you won't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip."
(Like in that James Bond movie where the bad guys mentioned their destination in front of the bird?)
"Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it."
(Especially if you give it 110 percent.)
"Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep."
(And sometimes you can put the layers on your hamburger.)
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself."
(I thought I made a mistake once, but it turned out I was in error. error. error.)
"Following the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men crooked."
(Yeah if resistance is low and voltage is high, the result can be shocking. Besides, resistance is futile.)
Why A Dog Is Better Than A Cat
1. Dog will tilt his head and try to understand every word you say. Cat will ignore you and take a nap.
2. Cat looks silly on a leash.
3. When you come into the Laugh Lounge office, Dog will be happy and lick your face. Cat will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.
4. Dog will give you unconditional love until the day he dies. Cat will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.
5. Dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cat doesn't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.
6. Dog will bring you your slippers. Cat will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.
7. When you take them for a ride, Dog will sit on the seat next to you. Cat has to have their own private basket, or she won't go at all.
8. Dog will come when you call him. And he'll be happy. Cat will have someone take a message and get back to you, maybe.
9. Dog will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing Cat will lay with all day long is small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they're in pain.
10. Dog will wake you up if the office is on fire. Cat will quietly sneak out the back door.
Unlikely Greeting Card:
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder...
What the heck was I thinking?"
A Sunday School teacher asked her class, "Does anyone here know what we mean by sins of omission?"
One of the girls replied "Aren't those the sins that we should have committed, but didn't?"
A wife hands her husband a silk handkerchief and asks him: "Doesn't this belong to your secretary?"
"Where did you find that?" he stutters.
"I didn't," she answers.
"The mail man found it on your night-stand."
Judge: I find you not guilty of bigamy.
Defendant: So I can go home?
Defendant: Which One?
Having more than one wife is bigamy.
Having just one is monotony.
A wild-eyed man dressed in a Napoleonic costume and hiding his right hand inside his coat entered the psychiatrist's office and nervously exclaimed, "Doctor, I need your help right away."
"I can see that," retorted the doctor. "Lie down on that couch and tell me your problem."
"I don't have any problem," the man snapped. "In fact, as Emperor of France I have everything I could possibly want: money, women, power - everything! But I'm afraid my wife, Josephine, is in deep mental trouble."
"I see," said the psychiatrist, humoring his distraught patient. "And what seems to be her main problem?"
"For some strange reason," answered the unhappy man, "she thinks she's Mrs. Schwartz."
[May the Schwartz be with her!]
If they had computers in 1776:
Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen, the summer grows hot, and it is essential that we complete this declaration of independence.
Mr. Franklin: Wait a minute, Thomas. I have to reboot here.
Mr. Jefferson: That's all right, Ben. We'll go on without you. Has everyone had a chance to look at the draft I posted yesterday?
Mr. Sherman: Not yet, Thomas, I've been having Notes replication problems.
Mr. Adams: Here, Roger, I brought a hard copy.
Mr. Sherman: Thanks, Saaaaay, nice font.
Mr. Adams: Do you like it? I downloaded it off Colonies Online just last week.
Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen! There is work to be done. I fear our document will soon leak out.
Mr. Livingston: Too late, Thomas. There's already a bootleg circulating. I saw it posted on alt.georgeIII.sucks last night.
Mr. Adams: Ben, you might try upgrading to Windows 75. It solved that problem for me.
Mr. Sherman: Thomas, the part here about the Acts of Pretended Legislation; have you considered using bullets to air out the text?
Mr. Jefferson: I can fix that easily enough.
Drat! I've spilled candle wax on my keyboard again.
Mr. Adams: You know, Thomas, that wouldn't happen if you'd buy an active-matrix screen.
Mr. Franklin: Hard-disk failure?!? Aw, criminy.
Mr. Livingston: Are you sure it's "unalienable rights"? My spell checker recommends "unassailable".
Mr. Jefferson: Can we stick to the substance of the document, please? Shoot. Low battery. Anyone got a spare power cable?
Mr. Sherman: What have you got, a Toshiba? No, mine isn't compatible.
Mr. Franklin: Hello, PCs Philadelphia? What does it mean when the floppy drive buzzes?
OK, I'll hold.....
Mr. Livingston: The "In Congress" part here at the top; have you thought about blowing that up really big and maybe centering it in 72 point Helvetica?
Mr. Jefferson: Not a bad idea. Aw, nuts! Word macro virus! I can't save the file.
Mr. Franklin: That's all right, Thomas. We can manage. Here, borrow my quill pen....
A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.
"This is the KLOPMAN diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.