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Chronic...
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Do you want to know if you suffer from "Alertness Deficit Disorder" (ADD)? Then just take this simple quiz. These questions will help us to determine whether or not you suffer from this terrible affliction; the only known cure for which is caffeine.

ADD takes the lives of millions of Americans, hundreds of Canadians, and a handful of Ugandans every year. If that doesn't scare you, let's just say that you are more susceptible than anyone else. YES, YOU! If you suffer from this disease, missing just one trip to Starbucks could be FATAL. The following series of Yes/No questions will allow us to determine your Addiction Factor(TM). Keep track of the number of Yes and No answers you get and chart yourself at the end.

Remember: Prevention is the best medicine. Or was it laughter? Either way, read on.

1. Do you use coffee to escape from your problems?

2. Do you eat spoonfuls of instant coffee because it's easier?

3. Have you ever woken up in a puddle of your own coffee?

4. Do you find that it's easier to drink more coffee than go to sleep?

5. a) Have you ever drunk cold coffee?
b) Right out of the pot?

6. Do you spend more than 20% of your income on coffee and/or coffee related products?

7. Does your coffee cup resemble a beer stein?

8. Has anyone ever told you that you "have a problem"?

9. Do you need coffee:
a) ...to get up in the morning?
b) ...to get out of bed?
c) ...to be injected intravenously to stimulate blood-flow?

10. Do you own a "Coffee Helmet"? (For the culturally ignorant, a coffee-helmet is a hat with coffee-cups attached to it and a straw coming out of each cup leading to the mouth, used for hands-free drinking.)

11. Do Native North American Aboriginal Indian Peoples call you "Ona mac towanda" (Smells-like- coffee)?

12. Does your doctor measure your heartbeat on the Richter scale as well as by its frequency?

13. Have you ever sold personal or other people's possessions just to get your fix for the day?

14. Does the phrase "Swiss water decaffeinated" strike terror into your heart?

15. a) Do you have a coffee maker in more than one room of your house?
b) ...in more than five?
c) ...in your bathroom?

16. a) Do the people at Second Cup refuse do give you free coffee cards anymore?
b) ...because you're wearing out their hole-punch?
c) ...and it's bad for the environment?

17. Do you grind your own coffee?

18. Do you grow your own coffee?

19. Have you ever been fired from a job because you're "drinking their profits"?

20. a) Do you know Juan Valdez?
b) ...and his donkey?
c) ...intimately?

21. Do you salivate uncontrollably whenever you hear dripping water?

22. a) Is sleep a hobby of yours?
b) ...that you don't like?
c) ...because it's too frustrating?

******************
 
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JEWISH COOKING BY MARTHA STEWART

Latkes
A pancake-like structure not to be confused with anything the House of Pancakes would put out. In a latka, the oil is in the pancake. It is made with potatoes, onions, eggs and matzo meal. Latkas can be eaten with apple sauce but NEVER with maple syrup. There is a rumor that in the time of the Maccabees they lit a latka by mistake and it burned for eight days. What is certain is you will have heart burn for the same amount of time.

Matzoh
The Egyptians' revenge for leaving slavery. It consists of a simple mix of flour and water-no eggs or flavor at all. When made well, it could actually taste like cardboard. Its redeeming value is that it does fill you up and stays with you for a long time. However, it is recommended that you eat a few prunes soon after.

Kasha Varnishkes
One of the little-known delicacies which is even more difficult to pronounce than to cook. It has nothing to do with Varnish, but is basically a mixture of buckwheat and bow-tie macaroni [noodles]. Why a bow-tie? Many sages discussed this and agreed that some Jewish mother decided that "You can't come to the table without a tie" or, G-d forbid "An elbow on my table?"

Blintzes
Not to be confused with the German war machine. Can you imagine the N.J. Post 1939 headlines:"Germans drop tons of cheese and blueberry blintzes over Poland - shortage of sour cream expected." Basically this is the Jewish answer to crepe Suzette.

Kishka
You know from Haggis? Well, this ain't it. In the old days they would take an intestine and stuff it. Today we use parchment paper or plastic. And what do you stuff it with? Carrots, celery, onions, flour and spices. But the trick is not to cook it alone but to add it to the cholent [see below] and let it cook for 24 hours until there is no chance whatsoever that there is any nutritional value left.

Kreplach
It sounds worse than it tastes. There is a Rabbinical debate on its origins: One Rabbi claims it began when a fortune cookie fell into his chicken soup. The other claims it started in an Italian restaurant. Either way it can be soft, hard or soggy and the amount of meat inside depends on whether it is your mother or your mother-in-law who cooked it.

Cholent
This combination of noxious gases had been the secret weapon of Jews for centuries. The unique combination of beans, barley, potatoes, and bones or meat is meant to stick to your ribs and anything else it comes into contact with. At a fancy Mexican restaurant [kosher, of course] I once heard this comment from a youngster who had just had his first taste of Mexican fried beans: "What! Do they serve leftover cholent here too?!" My wife once tried something unusual for guests: She made cholent burgers for Sunday night supper. The guests never came back.

Gefilte Fish
A few years ago, I had problems with my filter in my fish pond and a few of them got rather stuck and mangled. My son [5 years old] looked at them and commented "Is that why we call it 'Ge Filtered Fish'?" Originally, it was a carp stuffed with a minced fish and vegetable mixture. Today it usually comprises of small fish balls eaten with horse radish ["chrain"] which is judged on its relative strength in bringing tears to your eyes at 100 paces.

Bagels
How can we finish without the quintessential Jewish Food, the bagel? Like most foods, there are legends surrounding the bagel, although I don't know any. There have been persistent rumors that the inventors of the bagel were the Norwegians who couldn't get anyone to buy smoked lox. Think about it: Can you picture yourself eating lox on white bread? Rye? A cracker? Naaa. They looked for something hard and almost indigestible which could take the spread of cream cheese and which doesn't take up too much room on the plate. And why the hole? The truth is that many philosophers believe the hole is the essence and the dough is only there for emphasis. Personally, I think this is a cheap imitation of the Pennsylvania Dutch soft pretzel, minus the coarse salt.

******
 
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Did You Hear About The Guy Who Got Kicked Out Of A Hospital?


He Took A Turn For A Nurse.
 
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*****

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was:

"Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.

"Forbidden fruit? ?
Hey, Eve...we've got forbidden fruit!!

"No way!"

"Yes way!"

"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" said God (wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants). A few minutes later God saw his kids having an apple break, and was angry.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" the First Parent asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"

"I dunno" Eve answered.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is reassurance in this story: If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle - Take two and keep away from children.

*****

So was the above a) fruitful, b) fruitless, c) who gives a fig, or d) are we there yet?
 
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Devoted...
Picture of Reed N D Dark
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The real meaning of the story! And the cycle.
 
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Sayings that should be on buttons (or T-shirts):

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
3. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
5. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
6. Do I look like a freakin' people person?
8. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left. [De nada!]
9. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
10. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time. [Sofa, so good]
11. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
12. You! Off my planet!
13. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
16. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes. [Is that from the old TV show "Alf"?]
17. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
18. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat. [Meow]
19. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
22. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. [Error... Error... Error... Must sterilize...]
27. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years. [Get off my lawn]
28. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil... {Darth Who?]
29. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil. [The Charmed Ones could've used that advice]
 
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Sixty might be the new forty, but 9:00 is the new midnight.
 
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Sayings that should be on buttons... Or T-shirts... Or bumper snickers...

30. A PBS mind in an MTV world. (But what about FX, TNT, SyFy?)
32. Allow me to introduce my selves. (I'm beside myself waiting for that!)
33. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. (And at a discount!)
34. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you." (At a discount!)
35. Better living through denial. (Especially while touring Egypt!)
36. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. (Look out!)
37. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them. (As long as it's not Elm!)
38. Adult child of alien invaders. (Check your basement for pods...)
40. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up. (Want fries with that?)
42. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable. (To air is human?)
43. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. (Maybe it split?)
44. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. (And, without the padding!)
48. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes? (Return to sender?)
49. Back off! You're standing in my aura. (At least wipe your feet first!)
50. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one. (Sounds like double trouble!)
51. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too! (Just go incognito!)
52. Adults are just kids who owe money. (With interest!)
 
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Sayings that should be on buttons... Or T-shirts... Or bumpers... Or internet BB forums...

58. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor. (But what about overtime?)
59. You say I'm a ***** like it's a bad thing. (Is that one of the Halliwell sisters?)
60. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2? (Only if Monty Hall is available.)
62. Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong. (I thought I was wrong once but I was mistaken.)
63. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? (Pepe le Pew?)
66. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done. (Check, please!)
67. A woman's favorite position is CEO. (As compared to what?)
68. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no. (Maybe, maybe not.)
70. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth. (That's getting to the core of things.)
71. Earth is full. Go home. (The U.S. will no longer support the employment problems of the universe!)
72. Is it time for your medication or mine? (Take two aspirin.)
75. I plead contemporary insanity. (If one in five people suffer from insanity, do the others enjoy it?)
77. I refuse to star in your psychodrama. (What about a supporting role?)
78. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. (Want fries with that?)
79. How do I set a laser printer to stun? (Maybe connect it to the shredder?)
80. It ain't the size, it's...no, it's the size. (As Willow once said, scythe really does matter!)
81. Meandering to a different drummer. (Is that what that noise was?)
82. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert. (I hadn't noticed.)
83. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go? (Want fries with that? Or did I ask that already?)

*****
 
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Subject: Clueless (1 of 4)

HOW DO THESE PEOPLE SURVIVE?
**********

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 20 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

"We don't have half dozen nuggets", said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twenty," was the reply.

"So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"

"That's right."

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

**********

I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar code she said to me "Do you know how much this is?" and I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today".

She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.....

**********
 
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Subject: Clueless (2 of 4)

**********

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you need some help?" I asked.

She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.

"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries it's a long walk".

**********

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"

"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.

With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

**********
 
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Subject: Clueless (3 of 4)

**********

A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".

**********

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister". I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

**********

IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE... I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.

**********
 
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Subject: Clueless (4 of 4)

**********

IDIOTS AT WORK... Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar.

**********

IDIOTS & COMPUTERS... My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

**********

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

**********
 
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Miscellaneous Material from the Internet Surfing of Steve Ingle, LMSC, and brought home by Dame Kay's husband:

DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N?Q)
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
2 = 2 = 5 for extremely large value of 2.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
<--------- The information went data way ------------>
Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression.
Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal Port Not Responding
The name is Baud......... James Baud.
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
Access denied -- nah nah na nah nah!
C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
Bad Command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay...
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename"?
As a computer, I find your faith in technology pathetically amusing.
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
 
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Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.
E PLURIBUS MODEM
... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny.
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
An error? Impossible! My modem is error-correcting.
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted. Re-boot Washington D.C. (Y/N?)
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Do witches use a spell checker?
A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
11th Commandment -- Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
SENILE.COM found . . . Out of Memory . . .
Who is General Failure and hy is he reading my disk?
Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
Shell to DOS ... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS ...
All computers wait at the same speed.
Press <CTRL><ALT><DEL> to continue . . .
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue . . .
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue . . .
ASCII ****** question, get ****** ANSII.
E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.

*****
 
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Help! I'm modeming -- and I can't hang up!
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981.
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS.
Press any key -- no,no,no, NOT THAT ONE!
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit . . .
Sped up my XT; ran it on 200v! Works greO?_*"
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
Read my chips: No new upgrades!
Hit any user to continue.
2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!
I hit the CTRL key. How come I'm still not in control?
Does the Information Highway have any rest stops?

******
 
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Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes...

Two air is humane; too really skew thinks up ewe needs an computer...

I'm away from my desk - send an e-mail if the network goes down...

******
 
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Excerpted from an online BB:

Management has determined that there is no longer any need for network or software applications support. (See below) The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by December 31, 1999.

Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many sound reasons for doing this:

1. No Y2K problems
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done
3. No more wasted time reading and writing e-mails
4. No expensive upgrades
5. Drastically reduced technical support costs

Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
P: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for re booting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.

*******
 
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Some guidelines for conversions of units (1 of 2):

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong

365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling

Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon

1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower

Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line.
(think about it for a moment)

453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
 
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Police Officer To Dispatch: I have an interesting case here. A woman shot and killed her husband because he walked on her freshly waxed floor before it was dry.



Dispatch: Have you arrested her?



Police Officer: No! The floor still isn't dry.
 
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Some guidelines for conversions of units (2 of 2):

1 million microphones: 1 megaphone

1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles

2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)

10 cards: 1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton

1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks: 1 literhosen

1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche

1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin

10 rations: 1 decoration

100 rations: 1 C-ration

2 monograms: 1 diagram

4 nickels: 2 paradigms

3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League

100 Senators: Not 1 decision

******
 
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* Entropy Isn't What It Used To Be.
* Everyone Has A Photographic Memory. Some Don't Have Film
* Everyone Is Entitled To My Opinion.
* Everything Is Possible; Just Not Too Probable.
* Everything Is Unimportant In Some Way.
* Fact Of Life: A Woman Has The Last Word In Any Argument. Anything A Man Says After That Is The Beginning Of A New Argument.
* Few Women Admit Their Age; Few Men Act It.
* Fun Is Just Point Of View.
* Good Girls Go To Heaven, Bad Girls Go Everywhere.
* Gravity Is A Myth, The Earth Sucks.
* Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-In-Law's Face On The Back Of A Milk Carton.
* Honesty Is The Best Policy, But Insanity Is A Better Defense.
* I Am Not A Vegetarian Because I Love Animals; I Am A Vegetarian Because I Hate Plants.
* I Feel Like I'm Diagonally Parked In A Parallel Universe.
* I Hope You Sit On The Tack Of Success And Rise Rapidly.
* I May Be Fat But You're Ugly, And I Can Lose Weight.
* If At First You Do Succeed, Try Not To Look Too Astonished.
* If At First You Don't Succeed, Destroy All Evidence That You Tried.
* If At First You Don't Succeed, Redefine Success.
* If Everything Is Coming Your Way, Then You're In The Wrong Lane.
* If It's Too Loud, You're Too Old.
* If Money Can't Buy Happiness, I Guess You'll Just Have To Rent It.
* If Ours Is A Man Made World, Why Can't We Remake It?
* If Swimming Is So Good For Your Figure, How Do You Explain Whales?
* If There Were No Such Thing As Bears, What Kind Of Hugs Would We Give?

******
 
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When you THINK you have a bad day, remember this one from a young mother.."I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. "Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards.

Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera!"

********
 
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When Stalin completed 25 years of his rule over Russia, he wanted a special postage stamp issued, with his picture on it.

He so instructed the Postmaster General, stressing that it should be of international quality.

The stamps were duly released of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and become furious.

He called the chief of the Secret Service and ordered him to investigate the matter.

The chief checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported on the problem to Stalin.

He said: "Sir, the stamp is really of international quality. The problem is, our citizens are spitting on the wrong side!"

*****
 
Posts: 9159 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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A sergeant was passing the barracks after lights out, when he heard some voices from inside. He slammed open the door, and shouted: Listen, you guys! A few minutes ago, you all heard me say good night. What you must realize, is that when I say "Good Night," what I really mean is "Shut the f**k up!!!"

The room instantly fell silent. But after a few seconds, a small voice could be heard from somewhere in the far back of the dark room:

"Good Night, Sergeant"

*******

(G'night, Gomer!)

(Gwa-ah-ah-lee!)
 
Posts: 9159 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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