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Chronic...
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All I need to know about life I learned from Star Trek

Seek out new life and new civilizations.

Non-interference is the Prime Directive.

Keep your phaser set on stun.

Humans are highly illogical.

There's no such thing as a Vulcan death grip.

Live Long and prosper.

Having is not so pleasing a thing as wanting; it is not logical but it is often true.

Infinite diversity in infinite combinations (IDIC).

Tribbles hate Klingons (and Klingons hate Tribbles).

Enemies are often invisible - like Romulans, they can be cloaked.

Don't put all your ranking officers in one shuttlecraft.

When your logic fails, trust a hunch.

Insufficient data does not compute.

If it can't be fixed, just ask Scotty.

Even in our own worlds, sometimes we are aliens.

When going out into the Universe, remember, "Boldly go where no one has gone before!"

******
 
Posts: 9461 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways.

In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully, they attended parochial schools from kindergarten through their senior year in high school.

They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and upon graduation became priests. Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio was just a cut above Timothy in all respects. Meteorically, Tim and Tony rose through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop, and finally Cardinal. The Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be either Timothy or Antonio who would become the next Holy Father.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen. The world -- Catholic, Protestant and secular -- was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!

Antonio was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"

After a long silence, one old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered Antonio and rose to reply, "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called ...'Pope Secola'."

********

(Not exactly the real thing, but still! )
 
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Chronic...
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How To Tell if You're a Geek:
You tend to save power cords from broken appliances. (But of course!)
You once took the back off your TV just to see what's inside.
A teacher ever wrote, "I don't fully understand it, but it looks like an 'A'" on your paper.
You've used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
You rotate your screen savers more often than your automobile tires.
Your IQ is a higher number than your weight. (Go Metric!)
Your toddler asks why the sky is blue, and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.
You ran the sound system at your senior prom.
Your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone.
You can type seventy words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.
You know what "http" stands for.
You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
You still own a slide rule, and you know how to work it. (Yep.)
You can name six "Star Trek" episodes. (The Trouble With Tribbles, etc.)
You have a functioning home copier/scanner/fax machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
You have a habit of destroying things to see how they work.
People groan at the party when you pick out the music.
You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
You thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers.
You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.
You spend half a plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your kid in the overhead compartment.
You've tried to repair a $5 radio
Your laptop computer costs more than your car.
Your four basic food groups are caffeine, fat, sugar, and chocolate. (No, pizza, salad, hamburger, fries)
*****
 
Posts: 9461 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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In the beginning, God created the bit. And the bit was a zero; nothing.

On the first day, He toggled the 0 to 1, and the Universe was. (In those days, bootstrap loaders were simple, and "active low" signals didn't yet exist.)

On the second day, God's boss wanted a demo, and tried to read the bit. This being volatile memory, the bit reverted to a 0. And the universe wasn't. God learned the importance of backups and memory refresh, and spent the rest of the day ( and his first all-nighter ) reconstructing the universe.

On the third day, the bit cried "Oh, Lord! If you exist, give me a sign!" And God created rev 2.0 of the bit, even better than the original prototype. Those in Universe Marketing immediately realized the "new and improved" wouldn't do justice to such a grand and glorious creation. And so it was dubbed the Most Significant Bit, or the Sign bit. Many bits followed, but only one was so honored.

On the fourth day, God created a simple ALU with 'add' and 'logical shift' instructions. And the original bit discovered that by performing a single shift instruction, it could become the Most Significant Bit. And God realized the importance of computer security.

On the fifth day, God created the first mid-life kicker, rev 2.0 of the ALU, with wonderful features, and said "Screw that add and shift stuff. Go forth and multiply." And God saw that it was good.

On the sixth day, God got a bit overconfident, and invented pipelines, register hazards, optimizing compilers, crosstalk, restartable instructions, microinterrupts, race conditions, and propagation delays. Historians have used this to convincingly argue that the sixth day must have been a Monday.

On the seventh day, an engineering change introduced Windows into the Universe, and it hasn't worked right since.

*******

(And besides, there are only 10 kinds of people in the world - those who understand binary, and those who don't.)
 
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Chronic...
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John Mills, a high-ranking British officer stationed in France during World War II, had his staff serve him mushroom omelets every morning. This was referred to as:

General Mills Breakfast of Champignons

*****

(Yep, and there's always much room for such fun guys! )
 
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Chronic...
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My personal trainer wants me to workout hard on my stomach muscles. He calls these exercises stomach crunches, sit ups, twists, and stretches; but I call them abominables.

(Yeah, not everybody has the stomach for that sort of thing! )
 
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Chronic...
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The harpist got the lucrative booking by PULLING STRINGS.

For its new animals, the zoo had to pay a BEASTLY SUM.
 
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AAA+
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Where do meteorologists go after a long day at work? Isobars.
 
Posts: 116200 | Location: Sunny Florida | Mbr Since: 10-06-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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To a place what puts those little umbrellas in the glass?
 
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Chronic...
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To increase business, the dry cleaners introduced a NEW WRINKLE.

"I won't let a flat tire get me down," Tom said, without despair.
 
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Chronic...
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CASTANET: What they did to fill the role of Frankie Avalon's movie girl friend.

Eschew redundant obsuscation!
 
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Chronic...
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SERIAL PORT:
(1) Breakfast wine
(2) Where boats load grain

Hard drive: a long road trip.

Antivirus: chicken soup.

Nibble: half a byte.

Byte: a bit to eat while looking out the Window.

Bit: a number for people who can't count very high.
 
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Chronic...
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Medical Definition:

COPULATION: The number of policemen in the area.

DIAGNOSTIC: A couple who didn't know if there is a God.

DIAGNOSTIC: Someone who didn't believe in the Roman hunting goddess.

NINTENDINITIS: Digital joint pain caused by playing too many video games.

********
 
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Chronic...
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THINGS WE ALL SHOULD KNOW...(and most of us don't!) (1 of 4)

Never give yourself a haircut after three martinis. (Hair today, gone tomorrow?)

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Any and all compliments can be handled by simply saying, "Thank you," although it helps if you say it with a SOUTHERN accent.

No books will be as good as the ones you loved as a child.

Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the orchestra, some are on stage singing, some are in the audience as critics, and some are there to applaud. Know who and where you are.

When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste.
 
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Chronic...
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THINGS WE ALL SHOULD KNOW...(and most of us don't!) (2 of 4)

Never continue dating anyone whom is rude to the waiter.

A person needs only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

If you tell a lie, don't believe it deceives only the other person. (Tangled web, and all that.)

The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right". (Sorry about that, Chief!)

When you make a mistake, make amends immediately! It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm. (Depends on the recipe.)

The only really good advice that I remember my mother ever gave me was "Go! You might meet somebody!" (But who? Wink   ;) )
 
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Chronic...
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THINGS WE ALL SHOULD KNOW...(and most of us don't!) (3 of 4)

If your date says that you are too good for him or her; believe it. (Say what? Say what?)

I've learned to pick my battles. I ask myself:
Will this matter one year from now?
How about one month?
One week?
One day?
One bleem?

The shortest line is always the longest. (It's short cause other people have left it for other lines! Wink   ;) )

Never pass up an opportunity to use the bathroom.

If you move far from your family when you're young, consider choosing a career with an airline. Your need to see your family will last a lifetime, as will your travel benefits.
 
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Chronic...
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THINGS WE ALL SHOULD KNOW...(and most of us don't!) (4 of 4)

Living well really is the best revenge.

Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just proves that the other person was right about you.

Be really nice to your friends because you never know when you are going to need them to empty your bed urinal and hold your hand.

Work is good but it's not important!

Never underestimate the kindness of your fellow man.

And finally, being happy doesn't necessarily mean everything's perfect. It just means you've decided to look beyond all of the imperfections.

*****
 
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Chronic...
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One day a mailman was greeted by a boy and a huge dog sitting right behind the boy.

The mailman said to the boy, "does your dog bite?"

"No," replied the boy.

Just then the huge dog bit the mailman.

The man yelled, "I thought your dog doesn't bite!"

"He doesn't," replied the boy, "that's not my dog!"

(Reminds me of a scene in one of the Inspector Clousseau movies. Smile   :) )
 
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Chronic...
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A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, the minister asked for a show of hands from those who read Mark 17. Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

********

(Well, I guess that one hit the Mark!)
 
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A guy purchased a new washing machine and put the old on out on the curb with a sign that said "free washing machine." It set for 2 weeks and no one took it so he changed the sign to "used washing machine $50." That night someone stole it.
 
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Her mother decided that 10-year-old Susie should get something practical for her birthday. "Suppose we open a savings account for you?" she suggested.

Susie was delighted.

"It's your account, darling," Susie's mother said as they entered the bank, "so you fill out the application."

Susie was doing fine until she came to the space for "Name of your former bank".

With just a slight hesitation, she put down "Piggy".

******
 
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Chronic...
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My wife and I often take car trips to the U.S. from our home in Canada. Since my wife's family lives in the U.S. we often find ourselves returning home with gifts we've received for birthdays or other holidays...

This past Christmas holiday season we were stopped at the border, where the guard asked me the value of any goods we had to claim.

I paused to think of the value of everything that we had with us.

"Never mind," the guard said, "what's the most expensive thing in your car?"

Without hesitation, I replied, "My wife."

******
 
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Chronic...
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This is a parody of the Myer's-Brigg personality test, which is based on Jungian personality typology. I didn't know what all the letter designations

If you really *must* know the descriptions, you can get them here, and even take a test to see what you are:

http://www.keirsey.com

MYER'S-BRIGG PRAYERS

ISTJ: Lord, help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow at 11:41:23 A.M. E.S.T.

ISTP: God, help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them ARE hypersensitive.

ESTP: God, help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're usually NOT my fault.

ESTJ: God, help me to not try to RUN everything. But, if You need some help, just ask.

ISFJ: Lord, help me to be more laid back and help me to do it EXACTLY right.

ISFP: Lord, help me to stand up for my rights (if you don't mind my asking).

ESFP: God, help me to take things more seriously, especially parties and dancing.

ESFJ: God, give me patience, and I mean right NOW.

INFJ: Lord, help me not to be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that correctly?)

INFP: God, help me to finish everything I sta

ENFP: God, help me to keep my mind on one th - Look a bird! - at a time.

ENFJ: God, help me to do only what I can and trust you for the rest. Do you mind putting that in writing?

INTJ: Lord, keep me open to other's ideas, *wrong* though they may be.

INTP: Lord, help me to be less independent, but let me do it my way.

ENTP: Lord, help me follow established procedures today. On second thought, I'll settle for a few minutes.

ENTJ: Lord, help me slow downandnotrushthroughwhatIdo.

******
 
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Chronic...
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Subject: Since the beginning of time...

God said, "Go down into that valley."

And Adam said, "What's a valley?"

And God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river"
And Adam said "What's a river?"
And God explained it to him. HE then said, "Go over the hill."
And Adam said, "What's a hill?"
And God explained it to him. Then He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
And Adam said, "What's a cave?"
And God explained that to him and said, "In the cave you will find woman."
And Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, And said "I want you to reproduce."
And Adam said, "How do I do that?"
So God explained it to him. So off went Adam, down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, and into the cave and found the woman, and in about five minutes he was back.

God said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said, "What's a headache?"

******
 
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Chronic...
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Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on?

He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."

She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said,"I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."

*******

(Oh good grief! Shazbot! Oh my stars! Oh sweet nibblets!* Ay caramba! etc. )

*[if that one isn't too corny]
 
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