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Chronic...
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.........
My girlfriend always seemed to enjoy seeing just how much she could get away with doing some form of bondage in public. She does this because she finds it fun and because drives me out of my tree. Usually, I'm able to fast-talk my way out of potentially embarrassing situations with Mundanes, but yesterday she nearly got me fired.

We had lunch together. Afterward, she accompanied me back to work. I thought this unusual, since she had never expressed an interest in my work (electronic engineering), but it didn't occur to me that she had something planned.

We arrived at my workbench, where I'm currently trying to figure out why the board on which I'm working is not performing the way I designed it.

I reached over to turn on the scope, failing to notice the huge studded black leather collar she produced from her purse. Before I could even blink (it is amazing the speed at which she could do this), she had locked the collar snugly around my neck, and locked the end of a 6 foot jack chain to the center of the bench (where there just happened to be a mounting hole). I turned to her in utter disbelief, mouth agape. "I'll be back for you at five," she said.
"HAVE YOU GONE COMPLETELY WACKO!!?!? I yelled in a hushed voice. "HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO EXPLAIN THIS???"
"You'll think of something," she said, dropping the keys into her cleavage. "You always do."
"But suppose I have to go to the bathroom," I countered.
"Don't give me that," she said. "I've seen you go for a whole day without visiting the bathroom."
"But...," I tried to say.
"SHHH! Subject closed! I'll be back at five. Bye."

She turned and left, against my hushed protests. I sat in panic and tried to think myself out of my situation. I tried to think of all the people who might visit. Most of my co-workers were friends who knew that my girlfriend and I were a bit odd, so this shouldn't surprise them. But I had *no* idea what I was going to say if one of my bosses came in. I checked my watch to see how long I would have to endure this ignominy. 1:30. "Three and a half hours," I thought. I heaved a sigh, and got to work, such as I could.
As it happened, three of my co-workers visited for what-not. All of them immediately noticed the collar (it would be pretty hard not to), and asked if it was my girlfriend's idea. I said yes. They asked what I would say if my supervisor saw it. I said I hadn't the faintest idea.
One of the aforementioned colleagues took the bench next to me, and after a few remarks (and a question as to where he could get a collar like the one I had), settled down to work in silence.

After some time, I checked my watch. 16:40. "Gee, I just might make it through this after all," I thought. I was even beginning to get a handle on the problem on the board on which I was working. Murphy must have been standing right behind me reading my thoughts, for not more than two minutes later one of my bosses entered the room. Not just any boss. Nooooooo. It was Mr. Narrowminded himself.

His eyes fell upon me immediately. A few picoseconds later, he saw the collar around my neck in all its splendor. "My life is over," I thought. I still hadn't thought of a plausible explanation for this. Mr Solderbrain (the name we called him behind his back; a corruption of his real name) started to walk slowly and deliberately over to me, his eyes fixed on the collar.
Fifteen agonizing seconds later, he was standing next to me. I thought the guy next to me was going to have a seizure stifling all his giggles. I continued to work, acting as though there were nothing the least bit unusual about my predicament.

Finally he spoke.

"What. The. HELL! Is. That??!" he said.
I don't know how I thought of what I said. In fact, I'm pretty sure I didn't know what I was going to say until just as I was saying it.
I turned to face him calmly, with total nonchalance, exuding complete confidence in what I was about to say, even though I didn't know what it was yet. I didn't even miss a beat.

"Grounding strap," I said, and returned to work.

The guy next to me fell off his chair and nearly died laughing.

.........
 
Posts: 9466 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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A burglar broke into the house of an Amish man in the middle of the night and started to rob it. The Amish man heard the noise and went downstairs with his shotgun.

When he found the burglar he pointed his gun at him and said gently, "Friend, I mean thee no harm, but Thou standest where I am about to shoot!"

******

(And, I doubt that thing has a stun setting! )
 
Posts: 9466 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I live in my own little world. But it's OK ... they know me here.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Implants?"

I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

*****

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?"

*****
 
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Chronic...
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The boy came skipping into the house with a big lollipop in his hands. "Where did you get it?" his mother asked.

"I bought it with the quarter you gave me."

"The quarter I gave you was for Sunday School."

"I know Mom," said the boy, "but the minister met me at the door and got me in free."

******
 
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Fred: When The First Phone Call Was Made, The Phones Were Only 18 Feet Apart.

Mike: That Was A Close Call.
 
Posts: 116200 | Location: Sunny Florida | Mbr Since: 10-06-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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Time marches on

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING,“SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.”;

WELL, YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE:

MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .

”YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,” HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

“WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?” I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, “IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?”;

“YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!” I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED FACED,

FAT-ASSED,

GRAY-HAIRED,

DECREPIT

SON-OF-A-(censored)

ASKED,

”WHAT SUBJECT DID YOU TEACH?”;
 
Posts: 9466 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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”WHAT SUBJECT DID YOU TEACH?”;

Ancient history? (Nah, that subject is outdated)

Archaeology? (Nah, their careers lie in ruins)

Anthropology? (Nah, can't study people who didn't leave records)

Paleontology? (Nah, they've always got a bone to pick)

Astronomy? (Nah, in that subject the overhead is too high)

Geology? (Nah, rock science is hard. Don't take it for granite, though.)

Chemistry? (Nah, too elementary - 118 times elementary)

Physics? (Nah, too much uncertainty. Just ask Heisenberg. Or his cat.)
 
Posts: 9466 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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Kid's rules for life.... (part 1 of 3)

Never trust a dog to watch your food.
Patrick, Age 10

When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.
Matthew, Age 12

Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.
Andrew, Age 9

Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.
Rocky, Age 9

Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning.
Stephanie, Age 8

Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Rosemary, Age 7

Don't flush the john when you dad's in the shower.
Lamar, Age 10

Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes.
Carrol, Age 9

*****
 
Posts: 9466 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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Kid's rules for life.... (part 2 of 3)

Never bug a pregnant mom.
Nicholas, Age 11

Don't ever be too full for dessert.
Kelly, Age 10

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look ******?" don't answer him.
Heather, Age 16

Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
Michael, Age 14

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
Joel, Age 12

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
Alyesha, Age 13

Never try to baptize a cat.
Laura, Age 13

Never spit when on a roller coaster.
Scott, Age 11

*****
 
Posts: 9466 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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Kid's rules for life.... (part 3 of 3)

Never do pranks at a police station.
Sam, Age 10

Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving.
Rob, Age 10

Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do.
Hank, Age 12

Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand.
Molly, Age 11

Listen to your brain. It has lots of information.
Chelsey, Age 7

Stay away from prunes.
Randy, Age 9

Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.
Phillip, Age 13

Forget the cake, go for the icing.
Cynthia, Age 8

Remember the two places you are always welcome - church and grandma's house.
Joanne, Age 11

*****
 
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Chronic...
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A man who was lost stumbled across a Baptism service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeded to stumble down into the water and stand next to the Minister.

The Minister turned, noticed the man and said, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?" The man looked back and said, "Yes sir, I am."

The Minister then dunked the fellow under the water and pulled him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked.

"No, I didn't!" said the man.

The Minister then dunked him under for a quite a bit longer, brought him up and said,"Now brother, have you found Jesus?"

"No, I did not!" said the man again.

Disgusted, the Minister held the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brought him up and demanded, "For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!!!??"

The man wiped his eyes and pleaded, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

******

(And here I thought he was behind the couch the whole time. Or at least that's what I heard or read somewhere.)
 
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Chronic...
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This was in the "Bob Levey's Washington" column in the Washington Post.
Every year he compiles and prints the "Best T-shirts of the Summer":

1. (around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won.
2. So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me.
3. I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy.
4. God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends.
5. If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going.
6. At My Age, I've Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All...I Just can't Remember It All.
7. My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips.
8. I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do.
9. (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah.
10. If It's Called Tourist Season, Why Can't We Hunt Them?
11. Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount.
12. Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog.
13. No, It Doesn't Hurt (on a "well-tattooed gentleman").
14. (on the back of a passing motorcyclist) If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off.
15. I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now.
16. (Over the outline of the state of Minnesota) My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor.
 
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Chronic...
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Part 2 of 2

17. Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping.
18. What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About.
19. I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian.
20. (on the Front) Yale Is Just One Big Party (on the back) With a $25,000 Cover Charge.
21. Coffee, Chocolate, Men... Some Things Are Just Better Rich.
22. Liberal Arts Major... Will Think For Money.
23. Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional.
24. IRS-Be Audit You Can Be.
25. Gravity... It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.
26. If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen.
27. Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship.
28. The Old Pro... Often Wrong... Never In Doubt.
29. If At First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't For You.
30. Old Age Comes at a Bad Time.
31. In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's One of the Risks You Take.
32. First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order.
 
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Chronic...
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Your Starship Captain just might be a redneck if...

- your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month
- he paints flames and an NRA sticker on the warp nacelles
- you have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob"
- he refers to Klingons as "Critters"
- he refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns"
- he has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil [Where's Scotty when you need him?]
- he installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section
- he says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies"
- he hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen
- he rewires his communicator into his belt buckle
- he keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it
- he says "Yee-Ha" instead of "Engage"
- he has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser
- he insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba"
- he sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster"
- he programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens [Synthohol?]
- he paints the starship John Deere green
- he refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special"
- he refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp"
- his moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale [Synthohol?]
- he sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen"
- his idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls
- he wears mirrored shades on the Bridge
- his idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies
- he sets phaser to "Cajun"

****

[Ya'll come back now, ya hear?]
 
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Chronic...
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Star Trek Light Bulb Jokes!

How many VULCANS does it take to change a light bulb? Approximately one point zero zero zero zero...

How many BAJORANS does it take to change a light bulb? The filthy Cardassians took our light bulb !

How many KLINGONS does it take to change a light bulb? None. Burned out light bulbs have NO honor. And a true Klingon warrior is not afraid of the dark!

Q) What do they do with the dead bulb?
A) Execute it for failure.

Q) What do they do with the Klingon who replaces the bulb?
A) Execute him for cowardice.

How many BORG does it take to change a light bulb? Light bulbs are irrelevant. Changing them is futile.

How many Q does it take to change a light bulb? Here, now, wouldn't you rather have this supernova?

How many CHANGELINGS does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it will actually change INTO a light bulb. [And then you can use an Odometer to measure its output.]

How many TRIBBLES does it take to change a light bulb? 1,561,772 .......uhh,62....,ummm,63......64...... [That's the trouble with tribbles!]

How many FERENGI does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to do it and the other to sell the broken one to an unsuspecting customer.

How many BETAZOIDS does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to do it and the other to moan, "Darkness, I sense darkness!"

How many ROMULANS does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to change it and one to kill the other and take the credit.

How many DOCTOR McCOY'S does it take to change a light bulb? "Damn it, Jim, I'm a DOCTOR, not an electrician!"

****
 
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Chronic...
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============================
Things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer in your company.
============================

"Specifications are for the weak and timid!"

"This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processor if I am to do battle with this code!"

"You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've heard it read it in the original Klingon."

"Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent!"

"What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a trail of designers and quality assurance people in it's wake."

"Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM."

"Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak."
 
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Chronic...
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"I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth contest. They will not concern us again."

"A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!"

"Our user's will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!"

Other entries:

"Our competitors are without honor!"

"Perhaps it IS a good day to Die! I say we ship it!"

"My program has just dumped Stova Core!"

"Behold, the keyboard of Kalis! The greatest Klingon code warrior that ever lived!"

============================
 
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A senior citizen was asked if he remembered something that happened 30 years ago.



He replied: Of course I do. It's breakfast that I have a problem with.
 
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It's rumored that Youtube. Twitter and Facebook are going to merge. The name of the new company will be Youtwitface.
 
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Chronic...
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>>Following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline and control towers from around the world:

The controller was working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane? Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"
~~~~~~~~~~
PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said "Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first". The tower promptly cleared PSA for takeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation.
~~~~~~~~~~
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high.
San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport.
~~~~~~~~~~
 
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Chronic...
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De plane! De plane!

Continued...

Western Airlines had a term for its second officers.

The term was "GIB," which stood for, "Guy In Back." The term was strictly unofficial and was actually frowned upon by the management at Western. It seems that some wise-guy pilot had been browsing through a dictionary and had made the discovery that a "gib" is a castrated tomcat.
~~~~~~~~~~
It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City. KC Approach: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles." Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."

KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"

Delta 105 (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl): "Well...I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though."
~~~~~~~~~~
 
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Chronic...
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De plane! De plane!

Continued...

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock miles, eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this ...I've got that Fokker in sight.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

~~~~~~~~~~~
 
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Chronic...
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Subject: ACTUAL SENTENCES FOUND IN PATIENTS' CHARTS (part 1 of 3)

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

Re #1: Guess that's a matter of degree?
Re #2: Is that right?
Re #3: Knee-deep.
Re #5: Maybe the Doc needs a better bed-side manner.
Re #6: Picky picky.
Re #8: is the patient a zombie, or a vampire? Smile   :)
 
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Subject: ACTUAL SENTENCES FOUND IN PATIENTS' CHARTS (part 2 of 3)

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
15. She is numb from her toes down.
16. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
17. The skin was moist and dry.
18. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
20. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

Re "15: is she hanging from a trapeze, or what?
Re #18: Take two acetylsalicylic acid tablets, and call somebody else in the morning.
Re #20 - That's getting to the bottom of things.
 
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Chronic...
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Subject: ACTUAL SENTENCES FOUND IN PATIENTS' CHARTS (part 3 of 3)

21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
24. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
27. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
28. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Re #22 - yeah, that kind of therapy can lead to getting tired... (and running behind a car can lead to getting exhausted)
Re #29 - let's hope the patient has the stomach for the described treatment.
Re #30 - is that referring to furniture, or to, uh... never mind.
 
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