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Chronic...
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What happens if you get scared half to death twice? [Depends how much time between the two!]

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. [Hare today, gone tomorrow?]

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. [Well doggone!]

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. [Brain brain what is brain?]

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. [Oh put a muffler on it!]
 
Posts: 9567 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. [Where's that flashlight?]

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? [Use a decoder ring?]

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. [Where's the beef?]

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? [And why don't they win the lottery?]

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! [Only when they're in season.]
 
Posts: 9567 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Never goes away...
Picture of Reed N D Dark
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I’m thinking that last one could be embroidered on a T-shirt except it needs to be

Support your right to bare arms, but use sunscreen!
 
Posts: 10245 | Location: Central PA | Mbr Since: 05-14-2017Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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Subject: metric conversion

10**12 Microphones = 1 Megaphone
10**6 bicycles = 2 megacycles
500 millionaries = 1 seminary
2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
10 cards = 1 decacards
1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn
10**-6 fish = 1 microfiche
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
10**12 pins = 1 terrapin
10**21 picolos = 1 gigolo
10 rations = 1 decoration
100 rations = 1 C-ration
10 millipedes = 1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
5 holocausts = 1 Pentacost
10 monologs = 5 dialogues
5 dialogues = 1 decalogue
2 monograms = 1 diagram
8 nickles = 2 paradigms
2 snake eyes = 1 paradise
2 wharves = 1 paradox

*****

[That last one could use peer review, to avoid missing the boat! OTOH, I though a paradox was two medics in an ambulance... ]

[As for the once about nickels: change is inevitable. Except from vending machines. ]

[A nanometer is a device for measuring Orkan greetings.]
 
Posts: 9567 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Never goes away...
Picture of Reed N D Dark
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I thing the millipede centipede is backwards., the number of feet are not fractional.
 
Posts: 10245 | Location: Central PA | Mbr Since: 05-14-2017Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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Okay then, 10 centipedes = 1 millipede.

Either way, don't think about the cost of keeping them in shoes...
 
Posts: 9567 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Never goes away...
Picture of Reed N D Dark
posted Hide Post
quote:
Originally posted by Henry J:
Okay then, 10 centipedes = 1 millipede.

Either way, don't think about the cost of keeping them in shoes...


They outgrow them before they can get them all put on!
 
Posts: 10245 | Location: Central PA | Mbr Since: 05-14-2017Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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What happened when the lady vampire met the man vampire?

It was love at first bite!

--------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a dumb skeleton?

A numbskull!

--------------------------------------------------------
What do short-sighted ghosts wear?

Spookacles!!

--------------------------------------------------------
Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?

Because he had nobody to go with.

--------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the vampire that swallowed a sheep?

He said he felt baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.

--------------------------------------------------------
What room can a skeleton not go in?

A living-room!

--------------------------------------------------------
And did you hear about the smuggler that saw a ghost?

It was the ghostguard.

--------------------------------------------------------
 
Posts: 9567 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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Why did the ghost cross the road?

To get to the Body Shop!!

--------------------------------------------------------
What is it like to be kissed by a vampire?

It's a pain in the neck.

[Just ask Buffy!]

--------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear what happened when the ghosts went on strike?

A skeleton staff took over.

--------------------------------------------------------
Why did the skeleton refuse to go to the monsters' party?

Because he knew no body would dance with him.

--------------------------------------------------------
What is the tallest building in Transylvania?

The Vampire State Building.

--------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the musical ghost?

He wrote haunting melodies.

--------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the two skeletons that always argued?

Seems they always had a bone to pick.

[Why, did they used to be paleontologists? ]

--------------------------------------------------------
 
Posts: 9567 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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Did you hear about the vampire who liked ballroom dancing?

He especially liked the vaultz.

--------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the ghost who works at Scotland Yard?

He's the Chief in-spectre.

--------------------------------------------------------
What instrument do skeletons play?

Trom-BONE

--------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross a cow with a ghost?

Vanishing cream!

[I see!]

--------------------------------------------------------
What did the skeleton say while riding his Harley Davidson motorcycle?

I'm bone to be wild!

[Ghost Rider? Like in the movie? ]

--------------------------------------------------------
What ghost haunted King George III?

The spirit of '76!

--------------------------------------------------------
Where does a ghost go on vacation?

Mali-booooooooooooooooooo!

--------------------------------------------------------
 
Posts: 9567 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?

Spare ribs

--------------------------------------------------------
What do baby ghosts wear on their feet?

Booooooooties!

--------------------------------------------------------
When does a skeleton laugh?

When something tickles his funny bone.

[BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Ha? ]

--------------------------------------------------------
What kind of mistakes do ghosts make?

Booooooooooo booooooooooooos

[Smarter than average bears? ]

--------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?

Bamboooooo

[Okay, but watch out for pandas! ]

--------------------------------------------------------
Where do baby ghosts go during the day?

Dayscare centers.

--------------------------------------------------------
What do skeletons say before they eat?

Bone appetit!

--------------------------------------------------------
 
Posts: 9567 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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This fellow had owned this large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice, picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or tell you to get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators!"

*****

[Do I sense an ulterior motive? ]
 
Posts: 9567 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.

The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the bartender.

"I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich, please?"

"Certainly," says the bartender, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.

So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves.

This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender tells him about the incredible talking duck.

"Marvelous!" says the ringleader, "get him to come see me."

So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says,

"Hey, Mr. Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good money!"

"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus" says the bartender.

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

"That's right," replies the bartender.

"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.

"That's right!" says the bartender.

The duck looks confused and asks: "What the heck do they want with a carpenter?"

*****

[QUACK!]
 
Posts: 9567 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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Gordon is giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He gets a bit carried away and talks for two hours. Finally, he realizes what he is doing and says; "Shucks! Sorry I talked so long, y'all. I left my watch at home."

A voice from the back of the room says, "They's a calendar a-hind ya."
*****

(Is that an example of temporal mechanics?)
 
Posts: 9567 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS FOR A PASTOR

Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river.
Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.

Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed 31-30.

Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it.
Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.

Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do.
Bad News: The choir mutinied.

Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons.
Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the "The Osbournes," "Survivor" and "Texas Chain Saw Massacre."

Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.
Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage.

Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.
Bad News: You were on vacation.

Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church.
Bad News: He has been appointed the District Supervisor of your denomination's region.

Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit.
Bad News: It's in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to "decorate" your house.

*****

(Why be quiet in church? Because people are sleeping! )
 
Posts: 9567 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.

Anonymous
 
Posts: 9567 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Never goes away...
Picture of Reed N D Dark
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I like that!
 
Posts: 10245 | Location: Central PA | Mbr Since: 05-14-2017Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Enthusiast...
Picture of Allan
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quote:
Originally posted by Henry J:
There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
Anonymous

There actually is a site exploring the impact of LSD on the development of the Internet.

How many know Gates and Jobs (along with Francis Crick in an entirely different field) were on LSD?

Four unexpected new ones here for me:

https://www.famousscientists.o...rimented-with-drugs/


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The people's flag is deepest red It shrouded oft our martyred dead
...Though cowards flinch and traitors sneer We'll keep the red flag flying here
 
Posts: 2901 | Location: Queensland, Australia | Mbr Since: 05-05-2017Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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There is nothing so annoying as to have two people talking when you're busy interrupting.

Mark Twain (1835-1910)

*****
 
Posts: 9567 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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FUNNY (and real) SIGNS
+++++++++++++++++
On a plumbing company's van:
"A flush beats a full house!"

A sign at a little restaurant:
"Eat here or we'll both starve"

In a hospital car park in Kitakyushu, Japan:
"Anyone found parking without a permit will be given an injection." [Well, shoot!]

Ohio road sign:
Prosperity 30 mi ->
<- Clinton 70 mi

In the bathroom of a mom and pop store:
"We aim to please, so, please, you aim too."

Sign on a retail store door:
PUSH,
if it doesn't open, PULL,
if it still doesn't open,
WE ARE CLOSED.

On a plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed." [Guess they get a LOT of business from the Huxtables, huh?]

*****
 
Posts: 9567 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

Another pizza shop slogan:
"Buy our pizza. We knead the dough."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

Door of a plastic surgeon's office:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a dry cleaners:
"How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot.
Would that be satisfactory?"

At a towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
 
Posts: 9567 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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On a maternity room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

In a podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a house's fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
 
Posts: 9567 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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Outside a muffler shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the electric company:
"We would be de-lighted if you pay your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a propane filling station:
"Tank heaven for little grills."
 
Posts: 9567 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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Dear Ma and Pa;

Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they get warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get into this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter, Gail

P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 towards a new barn roof and ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.

*****
 
Posts: 9567 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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Airplane Jokes

Why is the mistletoe hanging over the baggage counter?" asked the airline passenger, amid the holiday rush. The clerk replied, "It's so you can kiss your luggage good-bye."

==============
 
Posts: 9567 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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