What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney?
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus
He is Santa Claus
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it soots him
What can Santa give away and still keep?
Why do giraffes get Christmas gifts every year?
They are so good that they'll stick their necks out for anyone
Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log
What do elves learn in school?
What nationality is Santa Claus?
Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him
What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Eating Tips for the Holidays
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can and quickly. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an "eggnog-aholic" or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it!!!! Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand-alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello???
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple, pumpkin and mincemeat - have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips: Start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
1977 : Long hair
2013 : Longing for hair
1977 : Acid rock
2013 : Acid reflux
1977 : Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2013 : Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1977 : Seeds and stems
2013 : Roughage
1977 : Going to a new, hip joint
2013 : Receiving a new hip joint
1977 : Rolling Stones
2013 : Kidney Stones
1977 : Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2013 : Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1977 : Passing the drivers' test
2013 : Passing the vision test
1977 : Whatever
2013 : Depends
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.
The people who are starting college this year were born in 1995.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
The DVD was introduced the year they were born.
They have always had an answering machine
They have always had cable.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Do you feel old yet?
Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.
Notice the larger typing font, that's for those of you who have trouble reading...
It is good to have friends who know about these things and are still alive and kicking!!!!
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stewpid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stewpid, Little Johnny?
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
RE: Learning from Children (one of five)
Unfortunately the author of this is unknown but you kind of get a feeling about him/her, where and how s/he lives as you read the lessons life has taught to him/her.
Things I've learned from my children (honest and no kidding):
There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
A 4 years old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'Uh-oh,' it's already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Chlorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock, even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
RE: Learning from Children (two of five)
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
RE: Learning from Children (three of five)
A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes, it does not leak -- it explodes.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old. Duplos will not.
'Play Dough' and 'microwave' should never be used in the same sentence.
SuperGlue is forever.
RE: Learning from Children (four of five)
McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jello.
VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
You probably do not want to know what that odor is. [As Dawn said, it's smellamentary!]
RE: Learning from Children (five of five)
Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
Plastic toys do not like ovens.
The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
It will, however, make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Quiet does not necessarily mean 'don't worry'.
A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).
1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10) Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research.
11) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
13) Nyquil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
15) God must love stewpid people, he made so many.
16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
17) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you. [Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they aren't!]
18) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
19) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
20) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
21) MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
24) Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam (seen on Cape Cod)
25) Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
26) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up.
27) Procrastinate Now. [Because, if not now, then when?]
28) Rehab Is for Quitters.
29) My Dog Can Lick Anyone.
30) I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?
31) Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit.
32) Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been doing since 15.
35) FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
36) MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT.
37) A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
38) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
41) They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
43) Time's fun when you're having flies ... Kermit the Frog.
44) POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN ... Cops have nothing to go on.
46) HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH.
47) A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand times the memory.
48) The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.
49) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
50) HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
52) The trouble with life is there's no background music.
53) Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt, but it's the only way to live life completely.
ETA) Eschew obfuscation.
SAYINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE ON THOSE OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS (1/3)
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural stewpidity.
A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.
Plagiarism saves time.
SAYINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE ON THOSE OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS (2/3)
If at first you don't succeed, try management.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
Never underestimate the power of very stewpid people in large groups.
We waste time, so you don't have to.
Hang in there, retirement is only fifty years away!
SAYINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE ON THOSE OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS (3/3)
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
Succeed in spite of management.
Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
After reviewing the video tape of the a football game wherein his place kicker missed a real easy short kick with just seconds to go, which would have given them the winning margin an sent them to a bowl game, the coach told his kicker that after he graduated he should join the priesthood, as he was sure they would make him a cardinal immediately. Why, asked the kicker? Well, answered the coach, other than the pope, you're the only other one who has ever made 70,000 people rise to their feet and yell,.....Jesus Christ!
Corporate lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in advance with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Corporate Lesson 2
A sales representative, an administration clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof ! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life beside me." Poof ! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner.
The attorney asks,
"Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"
The coroner says, "No."
The attorney then asks,
"Did you listen for a heart beat?" "No."
"Did you check for breathing?" "No."
"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"
The coroner, now tired of the brow beating says,
"Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."
Follow these steps to a full:
I will eat every meal at the table--not with one hand while I'm typing.
I will get dressed before dinnertime.
I will remember that I must clean the house, wash clothes, cook meals, and have a bath every once in a while.
I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate friends and family members that are web-deprived, and let them know I'm not dead or missing.
I will not send an email or visit a chat room (or message board) for at least 24 hours. If I can do that, I can make it!
I will not use smile icons or other internet abbreviations when I'm offline. I will read a "paper" book if I still can.
I will remember others' needs, and pry my nose off this monitor for at least an hour each evening before my beloved forgets I exist.
I will leave the house at least twice a week whether I have to or not.
I will remember that my bills must be paid even if I'm too busy to make payments because I'm on the Web.
Last, but not least, I will remember to sleep, knowing that the internet will be there tomorrow when I awake.
I will not longer carry my laptop into the bathroom.
|Never goes away...|
Can we just pick a few?