"Doctor, it hurts when I do this!"
"Then don't do that."
(Well Hee HAW! )
A Guy sees a guy walking down the street waving his arms. He asks "What are you doing?"
"Chasing away the Elephants!"
There aren't any Elephants, here!"
"See! It's working."
(Yeah, he probably sent them packing. Easy for them to do since they each already had a trunk. )
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.
He thought about it for some time before responding "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
(Pizza! Pizza! )
THREE THINGS TO THINK ABOUT:
2. THE CONSTITUTION
3. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls.
But they are unable to locate 40 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.
(Or maybe not; that plan sounds to me like it could be an udder failure.)
2. THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours?
It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.
(Now that's just milking the political jokes, but let's not have a cow.)
3. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse.......
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians -- it creates a hostile work environment.
(Besides, the hot air causes turbulence for any airplanes that happen to fly over Washington.)
Bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman, “Which book has helped you most in your life?”
The woman replied, “My husband’s check book!!”
If March winds bring April showers,
And April showers bring May flowers,
What do May flowers bring?
Then there was that episode on WKRP where Mr. Carlson had this to say: "As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly."
From someplace on internet:
My favorite Turkey recipe
a turkey recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing ingredient -- imagine that.
8 - 15 lb. turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is Good)
1 cup un-popped popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT IS BEST)
Salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.
Place in baking pan making sure the neck end is toward the front of the oven, not the back.
After about 4 hours listen for the popping sounds.
When the turkey's rear end blows the oven door open and the bird flies across the room,.... it's done.
(Warning: Do not try this at home! )
Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving.
I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes:
Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.
The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.
Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead it will be a decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey.
We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds.
As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.
We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door.
Now I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress "private," meaning, do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.
Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice: take it or leave it.
Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably won't come next year either.
I am thankful.
Advice To Married Men:
Keep Your Wife On A Pedestal And She Won't Be Able To Put Her Foot Down.
A 6 Pack Of Beer and a Package of Twinkies.
A rancher asked his veterinarian for some free advice. "I have a horse that walks normally sometimes, and sometimes he limps. What shall I do?"
The Vet replied, "The next time he walks normally, sell him."
Two lawyers went into the restaurant and ordered two drinks. Then they got sandwiches out of their briefcases and started to eat.
The waiter said, "Hey, you can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
So the lawyers traded sandwiches.
"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled the motorist as the police clerk handed him a receipt for his traffic violation.
"Keep it," the clerk advises. "When you get four of them, you get a bicycle."
(At which point you can put pedal to metal?)
"This little computer," said the a sales clerk, "will do half your job for you."
The senior manager studying the machine made his decision; "Fine, I'll take two."
(That's business managers for ya, huh? )
A man tells his friend, Las Vegas is loaded with all kinds of gambling devices.
"Dice tables, slot machines, and wedding chapels."
Bar & Drinking Jokes
A man walks into a bar and orders 3 beers.
The bartender asks him why he gets three beers the man told the bartender well one is for me and the other two, for my brothers who live in Texas.
The man does this for about a week and one day the man walks in and orders two beers instead of three. The
bartender asks him why just two the man said well my wife told me I had to quit drinking but she didn't say anything about my brothers to stop.
To my buddies who might enjoy this test ...
Follow the directions! The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University.
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!
1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is person cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I'll bet you can't resist passing it on.
Two prisoners were making their escape over the jailhouse roof when one of them dislodged a tile. "Who's there?" shouted a guard.
The first prisoner replied with a convincing imitation of a cat's meow. Reassured, the guard when back to his rounds.
But then the second prisoner dislodged another tile. The guard repeated, "Who's there?"
"The other cat," answered the prisoner.
(Sounds like it may be time to call out the dogs! )
Why is a stamp better than a politician's speech?
It sticks to one thing and it delivers.
A guy is walking along a pier and is counting 1, 2, 3, 4...…..
Another guy comes along and asks him what he is doing
The guy replies that he is counting the slits between boards.
The other guy says that sounds like fun, I think I'll try it.
So they both walk along counting 47, 48, 49, 50 and they both walk off the end of the pier into the water.
When they both surface one says to the other:
That proves one thing. When you're out of slits, you're out of pier.
Men Vs. Women Jokes
A girl involved with the women's lib group boarded a crowded bus and one man rose to his feet. "No, No, you must not give up your seat. I insist," she said.
The man replied; "You may insist as much as you like, Lady, but this is my street where I get off."
Sign seen in a veterinarian's office:
The doctor is in. Sit. Stay.
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, "Get in and I'll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with the Harley, I guess."