A gentleman entered a busy florist shop that displayed a large sign that read "Say It with Flowers."
"Wrap up one rose" he told the florist.
"Only one?" the florist asked.
"Just one," the customer replied
"I'm a man of few words."
(At least the guy "rose" to the occasion!)
Will Rogers, acting as toastmaster at a dinner one evening, was annoyed by the lengthy talk of the man he had just introduced. The long-winded bore finally ended his oratory and Rogers arose and said, "You have just listened to that famous Chinese statesman, On Too Long."
A man's car stalled on a country road. When he got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. He told the farmer his story.
"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer.
"Yes, yes," the man replied.
"Oh! I would not listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She does not know anything about cars."
(Yeah, and not to milk this for all it's worth, but when it comes to cars, that cow is an udder failure. )
The young man really liked the perfume the young lady was wearing and asked its name. She looked puzzled for a minute then dumped the contents of her purse on the table between them. She searched through the pile and finally found a small atomizer. She looked at the label and announced, "Unforgettable".
(Tabula Rasa... Tabula Rasa... Tabula... Uh, what was I saying? )
Fred sees his neighbor digging a hole in his backyard and asks him what he is doing. The neighbor replied that he was burying his goldfish. Fred then asked why he was digging such a big hole. The neighbor replied that his goldfish was in his cat.
Name One Thing You Can Leave Off A Banana Split That Will Help You Lose Weight.
A vacationer telephones a seaside hotel to ask where it was. "It's only a stone's throw from the beach," he was told. "How will I recognize it?" asked the man.
"It's the one with all the broken windows." Came the reply.
(Oh, the pane! the pane! )
What Kind Of Coat Will Fit You Skin Tight But Will Also Cover A House?
A Coat Of Paint
During the initial space flights, NASA discovered that Biro pens didn't work under zero gravity conditions. To beat the problem, NASA spent 6 years and $2 million in designing a pen for use in space. The pen would work under zero gravity conditions due to the pressurized ink inside, it would work under sub zero conditions, underwater, on glass and virtually any surface known to man. The Russians used a pencil.
(They got the lead out?)
An eighth grade teacher was leading a discussion on the qualifications for being president of the United States.
After the teacher commented that a person must be a natural-born citizen, one of the students raised her hand. "Does that mean that if you were born by Cesarean section that you can't be president?"
Q: How many Microsoft Engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They just change the standard to DARK.
A Wee Bit of Scottish Humor
Sandy Forsyth asked to see his boss after pay day and held up his pay packet. "There's been a mistake" said Sandy. "You've paid me £30 pounds short."
His boss nodded. "I know," he said. "But I paid you £30 too much last week."
Sandy responded "I noticed that too. I don't mind an occasional mistake, but when it becomes a regular occurrence, I felt I had to draw your attention to it.."
The world's greatest after dinner speech: "Waiter, give me both checks."
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
You did WHAT?!? the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know, “explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
The minister started his Children’s Sermon with a question, “Who knows what a Resurrection is?”
Without missing a beat a young boy says, “If you have one lasting more than 4 hours call your physician.
The pastor is still laughing.
This is what cats have scheduled around the clock! You indoor cat owners can agree with me!
12:00 AM: The cat gets hungry hops on to nearest human attempts to wake human up to feed the cat!
1:00 AM: After human feeds the cat at midnight, the cat gets a surge of energy and has a sudden need to play!! Cat then jumps up and down on human's chest as a use for entertainment.
3:06 AM: After the human throws the cat off the bed, the cat jumps back up on the bed and finds the human's toes as a new toy.
3:10 AM: After the human kicks the cat off the bed, the cat gets angry and storms out of the room.
4:00 AM: Human goes to the bathroom. Cats find this a great opportunity to show affection for human. When human returns to the bedroom he finds the cat totally stretched out in the right across the dead center of the bed. After human throws cat into basement the cat feels upset and hurt. Cat claws and meows at the door in order to get the humans attention.
4:10 AM: Human frustrated because it is getting no sleep and it has to go to work at 5:00. The human cannot sleep because it hears the loud noises that the cat is making. Human opens the door to the basement and the cat runs into the human's bedroom and under the bed.
4:40 AM: After spending 30 minutes trying to get the cat out from under the bed. The human gives up and rushes to get ready for work.
4:59 AM: After the human gets a shower and brushes its teeth. It opens the door to leave for work, when the cat runs out into the yard.
5:15 AM: The human finally catches the cat and it is very tired and upset he will be 20 minutes late for work.
5:20 AM: After being roughly thrown inside, the cat watches the human speed off. The cat then congratulates himself of a job well done and the cat sleeps for the next 3 hours.
8:30 AM: After spending 3 hours of lovely slumber the cat gets busy to work by throwing up and going to the bathroom on the carpet. The cat then amuses itself by knocking over lamps, shedding on the furniture, eating plants, and eating meat on the counter that the human forgot to put away last night.
3:00 PM: The cat is very tired after destroying the house and the cat goes to the human's bed and finds comfort under the covers.
5:00 PM: The human walks in the door coming from work and it is very upset because it got fired from work for being late.
5:05 PM: The human is very tired and falls over on the bed in exhaustion.
5:06 PM: The human tries to calm the cat down after it was just smashed by the human.
6:00 PM: The human feeds the cat and the cat forgives the human for smashing it!
9:00 PM: After feeding the cat again the human attempts to go to sleep because it has to wake up at 5:00 because it wants to find another job.
9:30 PM: The human goes to bed finally after watching TV with the cat. The human then decides to sleep for at least 2 and half hours.
12:00 AM: The cat gets hungry hops on to nearest human attempts to wake human up to feed the cat..................
(Methinks what we have there is a failure to commune-a-cat ... )
After gunning his BMW the wrong way down a one-way street, the rather intoxicated young man was asked where he thought he was going by a curious police officer.
"I'm not really sure," confessed the drunk, "but wherever it is, I must be late, because everybody seems to be coming back already."
News reports said a cement truck and a prison bus collided and all the prisoners escaped. Police said they were looking for a bunch of hardened criminals.
Then there was a collision between a ship carrying cargo of red pigment and one carrying cargo of brown pigment.
Both crews were marooned.
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. *If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."
The choir had just come out of rehearsal. "Am I to assume that you do a lot of singing at home?" Mr. Harris asked a fellow choir member, David Grey.
"Yes, I sing a lot. I use my voice just to kill time," said David.
Mr. Harris nodded, "You certainly have a fine weapon."
Sign on company bulletin board: "This firm requires no physical-fitness program. Everyone gets enough exercise jumping to conclusions, flying of the handle, running down the boss, flogging dead horses, knifing friend in the back, dodging responsibility, and pushing their luck."
A teacher called upon the classroom to make sentences with words previously chosen.
The teacher smiled when Pete, a slow learner, raised his hand to participate during the challenge of making a sentence with the words "Defeat," "Defense," "Deduct," and "Detail."
Pete stood thinking for a while, all eyes focused on him while his classmates awaited his reply.
Smiling, he the proudly said, "Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail."
Q: Why are anteaters so healthy?
A: Because they are high on ant-i-bodies!
: Police Jokes
A traffic cop pulled over a speeding motorist and asked, "Do you have any ID?"
The motorist replied, "About what?"