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Chronic...
posted
New Exercise for Seniors

Just came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on to some of my younger friends. The article suggested doing it three days a week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-LB. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax.

Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-LB. potato sacks.

Then 50-LB. potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-LB. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks;

but be careful.

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Posts: 8964 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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Safely Home

An elderly woman was nervous about making her first flight in an airplane, so before takeoff, she went to see the captain about her fears.

"You will bring me down safely, won't you?" she anxiously inquired.

"Don't worry, Madam," came the friendly reply. "I haven't left anyone up there yet."

------------------------

(But there's always a first time, right? )
 
Posts: 8964 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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Miscellaneous Jokes

Only in America
Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
Only in America... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America... do they leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America... do they use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so they won't miss a call from someone they didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America... do they buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America... do they use the word "politics" to describe the process so well; "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures".
Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering

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Posts: 8964 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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I guess it's too late to post "May the fourth be with you", huh?
 
Posts: 8964 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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: Computer Jokes

As Computer Tech I sometimes help clients over the phone. Here is a recent phone dialogue I had with one of my customers.

Tech: Workshops, can I help.
Customer: My dog is not barking, how can I make it bark.
Tech: I am sorry mam but this is not SPCA.
Customer: I know that but how can I make the dog on my computer bark.
Tech: Do you mean a dog in a computer game or something?
Customer: I mean a small dog that comes on when I type in Microsoft Word.
Tech: Are your speakers on?
Customer: No
Tech: Turn on your speakers and you will hear your dog barking when it barks
Customer: Ooooh why didn't I figure that, thanks so much

-----------------------------

I guess its bark was worse than its byte! Woof! But hey, at least the customer wasn't reporting a broken cup holder...
 
Posts: 8964 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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From one of the contestant interviews on Jeopardy!:

Alex: "Iddoshe, from Louisville, KY, who went on an African safari. Where?"

Iddoshe, after a pause: "In Africa."

Alex: "Let's try that again."

****************************

[Safari, so good, I guess! ]
 
Posts: 8964 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: Sure, buddy.

Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again, Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: No, SIR!

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Chronic...
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A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: "Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up." He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off. A week later he returns.

His wife asks: "Did you have a good trip, dear?" He says: " Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." His wife smiles and says, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"

(After which remark, the man began to flounder... )

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(Well, a tackle box is the place for bait, isn't it? Confused   :confused: )
 
Posts: 8964 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror.

He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.

The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."

The man thought for a moment and said..."Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!

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Chronic...
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A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D.C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River.

"That's impossible," said the tourist. "No one could throw a coin that far!"

"You have to remember," answered the guide. "A dollar went a lot farther in those days."

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(I do have to wonder a couple of things though - when was that story supposed to have taken place, and when did this country start using dollars? Wink   ;) )
 
Posts: 8964 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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Mosquito

Two boys from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to keep from being bitten. Then one of them saw some fireflies and said to his friend, "We might as well give up, they're coming at us with flashlights!"

-----------------------------

To all in tents and purposes, anyway!
 
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: Question / Answer Jokes

Do you know why Noah didn't fish very often?

He only had two worms.

-----------------------------

Well, I guess he wasn't an early bird, huh?
 
Posts: 8964 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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College Dorm

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

---------------------------
 
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When you write copy, you own the right of copyright to the copy you write, if the copy is right. If, however, your copy falls over, you must right your copy. If you write religious services, you write rite, and own the right of copyright to the rite you write.

Conservatives write Right copy, and own the right of copyright, to the Right copy they write. A right-wing cleric would write Right rite, and owns the right of copyright to the Right rite he has the right to write. His editor has the job of making the Right rite copy right before the copyright can be right.

Should Reverend Jim Wright decide to write Right rite, then Wright would write right rite, to which Wright has the right of copyright. Duplicating his rite would be to copy Wright's Right rite, and violate copyright, to which Wright would have the right to right.

Right?

(There's wrong with this picture, right? Or maybe I should have just left before writing this? )

------------------------
 
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Sleeping with Mommy

Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 AM, I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karen, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night.

The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was OK to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK.

After my next trip several weeks later, Karen and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.

As I entered the waiting area, my 4 year old son saw me, and came running shouting "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"

As I waved back, I said loudly, "What is the good news?"

"The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.

The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.

-----------------------
 
Posts: 8964 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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Hollywood Squares:
These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course...

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q . Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him .

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at
least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh .

WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING .

[Bwh-hahaha-ha-ha. ha? ]

---------------------------------------------------------
 
Posts: 8964 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Why Did Fallen Arches End The Man's Career? He Was An Architect.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Standing in the Way of Big Goverment is Not Standing in the Way of Progress

Politicians Aren’t Causing Anti-Muslim Hostility — Jihadists Are (Stacey Dash)

Proud To Be Defending President Trump
 
Posts: 113711 | Location: Sunny Florida | Mbr Since: 10-06-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. "Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.

"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.

Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked, "So why do you have so much hair?"

---------------------------

A Minister had gotten about two-thirds through his sermon when he found an unexpected shortage of manuscript. After fumbling it a moment he said, "My good friends, I find the last pages of my discourse have gone. I think my favorite dog must have gotten some of them yesterday and eaten them. You must excuse me from the remainder of the discourse."

After Service, a meek little woman from another parish introduced herself and said, "I was much interested in that dog of yours and its performance yesterday, and might I ask a question?" "Certainly, madam." "I want to know if it has any puppies, for I should like to take one home to my minister."

---------------------------
 
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Last Winter, Greg was laid up at home with the flu. His fiancee called and volunteered to come over to fix dinner and play nursemaid to him.

He declined, not wanting to pass on the flu to her.

"Okay, Honey," she told him. "We'll wait till after we get married. Then we'll spend the rest of our lives making each other sick!"

------------------------
 
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Annoying

I watched a man rush onto our plane at the last minute before takeoff. He spotted one of the few empty seats on board and silently sat down.

Later that night, though, he seemed bothered as the woman next to him fidgeted and got up frequently to use the bathroom.

Still, the man never uttered a word. Feeling sorry for him, I quietly asked if he would like to move to another seat.

"My wife's been annoying me for 20 years," he said with a chortle. "There's no sense in separating us now."

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Posts: 8964 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Got two versions of this one:

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Female Jokes

A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, "Don't take a step further."

She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been.

She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again. "Don't take a step further."

She stops and a car skids past.

Then suddenly she hears the voice saying "I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?"

Yes! Shouts the woman, "Just where were you on my wedding day!"

------------------------
Where Were You?

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice shout at him. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a few seconds later a big brick fell down in front of him. The man was shocked that he wasn't hit by the brick.

The man went on and after a while he went to cross the road. Once again, the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die."

The man asked the voice, "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah? And where the heck were you when I got married?"

------------------------
 
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Chronic...
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Older person to a younger person:

When I was your age Pluto was a Planet!

(Well yeah, but it was a Mickey Mouse planet! And a bit Goofy, too. )

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Chronic...
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It is said: Money is the root of all evil and man must have roots.

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Chronic...
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Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

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Posts: 8964 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Nosy

My wife thinks that I'm too nosy. At least that's what she keeps scribbling in her diary.

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