MILITARY WISDOM (1 of 2)
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. - U.S. Marine Corps
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - Gen.Mac Arthur
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal
"You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
Did You Hear About The Device That Allows You To See Through Brick Walls?
No, What's It Called?
Oh, the pane, the pane.
MILITARY WISDOM (2 of 2)
"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything." - U. S Navy Swabbie
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal
"No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." - Anon
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
"Gwa-ah-ah-lee!" - G. Pyle
Mr. Jones patted his daughter's hand fondly, and told her, "Your young man told me today he wanted you as a bride, and I gave my consent."
"Oh, Papa," gushed the daughter, "it's going to be so hard leaving mother."
"I understand perfectly, my dear," beamed Mr. Jones. "You just take her with you."
Teacher: If you had $1.00 and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have.
Little Johnny: "I would have $1.00!"
Teacher: "You don't know your arithmetic."
Little Johnny: "You don't know my father!"
Nothing is comprehensible except by virtue of its edges.
Nothing else in the world... not all the armies... is so powerful as an idea whose time has come.
Newspapers are unable, seemingly, to discriminate between a bicycle accident and the collapse of civilization.
George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
Nobody kicks on being interrupted if it's by applause.
Jewish Buddhism (part 1 of 2)
*Take only what is given.
Own nothing but your robes and an alms bowl.
Unless, of course, you have the closet space.
*Let your mind be as a floating cloud.
Let your stillness be as the wooded glen.
And sit up straight.
You'll never meet the Buddha with posture like that!
*There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called,
you never wrote, you never visited.
And whose fault was that?
*To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following:
Get rid of the motorcycle.
What were you thinking?
*Learn of the pine from the pine.
Learn of the bamboo from the bamboo.
Learn of the kugel from the kugel.
*Be aware of your body.
Be aware of your perceptions.
Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
*If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
*Breathe in. Breathe out.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
*Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.
Jewish Buddhism (part 2 of 2)
*The Tao has no expectations.
The Tao demands nothing of others.
The Tao does not speak.
The Tao does not blame.
The Tao does not take sides.
The Tao is not Jewish.
*Drink tea and nourish life.
With the first sip, joy.
With the second, satisfaction.
With the third, Danish.
*Be patient and achieve all things.
Be impatient and achieve all things faster.
*To Find the Buddha, look within.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.
*Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
*The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single oy.
*If you wish to know The Way, don't ask for directions.
*Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness.
And then what do you have?
YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN THE SOUTH IN JULY WHEN...
The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
You can make sun tea instantly.
The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
(And having once lived in South Carolina, I can relate to some of those! )
The Queen of England was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the Royal Stables when one of the stallions close by passed gas so loudly it couldn't be ignored.
"Oh dear," said the Queen, "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that."
"It's quite understandable," said the Archbishop, and after a moment added, "As a matter of fact I thought it was the horse."
Things that make you go--"hmmmm" (caveat: I haven't checked them for accuracy! )
1. In Kentucky, 50 percent of the people who get married for the first time are teenagers. (Maybe because most adults who get married were married before? )
2. Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during W.W.I.
3. Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded. (I suppose it was all relative.)
4. In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are automobiles. (But where do they all park?)
5. About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting on it. (Who studied this, how'd they study it, and why?)
6. You're more likely to get stung by a bee on a windy day than in any other weather. (So, pick a calm day to check your apiary! )
7. An average person laughs about 15 times a day. (Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha?)
8. Research indicates that mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas. (I guess in that case the people just have more a peel?)
9. Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air. (Uh oh - watch out for Tux.)
10. The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller in the morning. (A daily growth spurt?)
11. A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m.p.h. (Kaaaa-chooo!)
12. The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early 1500's. (Even before the back seat?)
13. The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C. (So did it work by repelling prospective partners?)
Things that make you go--"hmmmm" (caveat: I haven't checked them for accuracy! ) (2 of 4)
14. A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee. (But without coffee will she stay awake?)
15. The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is. (But is he/she smarter than a fifth grader?)
16. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants. (Well that's just Daffy!)
17. The average bank teller loses about $250 every year. (And they say change is inevitable!)
18. In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones - Bhutan. (Who ya gonna call?)
19. Every person has a unique tongue print. (But do the forensics teams dust for that?)
20. Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does. (To air is human. But what about people with dextrocardia?)
21. Women's hearts beat faster than men's. (All year, or just on Valentine's day?)
22. Pollsters say that 40 percent of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets. (But do the dogs and cats carry pictures of their pet humans?)
23. Bubble gum contains rubber. (Is that how it does that balloon thing!)
24. You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog. (Is that before or after giving the dog a bath?)
25. Only 55 percent of all Americans know that the sun is a star. (But in what movie was it the star?)
26. The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in Jello. (There's always room for that!)
Things that make you go--"hmmmm" (caveat: I haven't checked them for accuracy! ) (3 of 4)
27. Even if you cut off a cockroach's head, it can live for several weeks. (Yeah, but even with a lot of effort, it still won't get ahead!)
28. Most American car horns honk in the key of F. (And the others are all off key?)
29. The world population of chickens is about equal to the number of people. (Think of all the roads that need crossing!)
30. Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head. (Guess he didn't want to be hot-headed?)
31. In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the bills. (The guys went bowling?)
32. A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana. (What ape did he get to act as his lawyer?)
33. About 70 percent of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money. (Want fries with that?)
34. It's against the law to catch fish with your bare hands in Kansas. (Right - wear gloves!)
35. Some toothpastes contain antifreeze. (Wonder if those get shipped to Alaska?)
36. Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns. (Well with fronds like that, who needs enemies?)
37. Millie the White House dog earned more than 4 times as much as President Bush in 1991. (So Bush was the underdog?)
38. Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the Western Pacific. (Is that the straight poop?)
39. There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones. (Maybe in America, but probably not in Nauru!)
Things that make you go--"hmmmm" (caveat: I haven't checked them for accuracy! ) (4 of 4)
40. Most lipstick contains fish scales. (And here I thought it would contain bait!)
41. Lee Harvey Oswald's cadaver tag sold at an auction for $6,600 in 1992. (Cadaver tag??? That thing they put on the toe? Weird.)
42. Mosquitoes have teeth. (All the better to bite you with, my dear!)
43. Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray. (Their way of mixing the chemicals?)
44. Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego. (How entrancing! Oh wait, maybe not.)
45. The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley. (And they've all left the building!)
46. When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food. (That's some hiss story!)
47. Most cows give more milk when they listen to music. (But do they prefer country music?)
48. 27 percent of U.S. male college students believe life is "a meaningless existential hell." (And to think, somebody paid for them to be there!)
49. In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die. (Good.)
50. Aztec emperor Montezuma had a nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name meant "plenty of excrement." (Maybe in an area with poor soil, farmers would think that a good thing?)
51. Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark. (Hence, the light bulb?)
52. "Kemo Sabe" means "soggy shrub" in Navajo. (Although in the movie version of the Lone Ranger, Tonto said it meant "wrong brother")
A woman from the Bay Area was hiking to the top of El Capitan on the popular North Rim Trail, a seven-mile hike, when she became lost, saw clouds forming and called 911 on her cellular phone and asked to be rescued. A helicopter rescue team found her barely off the trail and only about a quarter-mile from the top of El Capitan. Then when the helicopter lifted off with her - and she saw how close she was to the top - she asked the crew to land and let her back out. When the crew declined, she threatened to sue them for kidnapping.
This notice can now be found in all French churches:
En entrant dans cette église, il est possible que vous entendiez l'appel de Dieu.
Par contre, il n’est pas susceptible de vous contacter par téléphone.
Merci d'avoir éteint votre téléphone.
Si vous souhaitez parler à Dieu, entrez, choisissez un endroit tranquille et parle lui.
Si vous souhaitez le voir, envoyez-lui un SMS en conduisant.
It is possible that on entering this church, you may hear the Call of God.
On the other hand, it is not likely that he will contact you by phone.
Thank you for turning off your phone.
If you would like to talk to God, come in, choose a quiet place, and talk to him.
If you would like to see him, send him a text while driving.
What do you get when you cross a termite and a comedian?
I don't know but he really brought the house down.
ANOTHER WOMAN hiker in Yosemite also called 911 with her cellular phone, this time from the top of Half Dome.
"Well, I'm at the top and I'm really tired," she told the 911 dispatcher.
"Do you feel sick?" she was asked.
"No, I'm just really tired and I want my friends to drive to the base and pick me up."
"You'll have to hike back down the trail for that," she was told by the dispatcher.
"But you don't understand. I'm really tired."
Then, according to a ranger, "Her phone battery luckily died."
All sorts of crazy things can happen in the great outdoors.
Once a visitor attempted to lure a squirrel close for a picture by dangling and rattling his car keys.
The squirrel then darted out, grabbed the keys and ran down a hole with them.
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "How much for a season pass?"
How's your aging intelligence? Take the following test here and determine if you are losing it or are still "with it." The spaces are so you don't see the answers until you have made your own.... OK, relax, clear your mind and.... begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
The answer is "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread," go to Question 2.
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as "Children's World." If you said, "water" then proceed to Question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," what the heck are you still doing here reading these questions?? If you said "glass," then go on to Question 4.
4. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60 of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?
Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree," you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.
[Note- that strikes me as a particularly slow clock.]
5. Without using a calculator -- You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember? It was YOU!
Today's preliminary stock market report:
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
.......and Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
Bananas peeled out
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"
The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."