~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Subject: Fw: Ole and Lena Humor
Ole and Lena were out walking and Lena clutched her heart and fell to the sidewalk. Ole got out his cell phone and called 9-1-1. The Operator said "Where are you?"
Ole said, "We were walking and Lena is on the sidewalk on Eucalyptus Street."
The operator said, "How do you spell that?" and the phone seemed to go dead. The operator kept shouting for Ole. She could hear him panting. Then he came back on and said, "I dragged her over to Oak St, that's O-A-K."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two Norwegian hunters from Minnesota got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly, "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off.
Climbing out of the wreck one Norski asked the other, "Any idea where we are?"
"Yaaah I tink we's pretty close to where we crashed last year."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?"
"Yust a minute", said the busy clerk.
"Vell", said Lena, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll yust take da bus."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support."
"Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks, myself."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he grumbled, "Vell, dere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lars: "Ole, stant in front of my car and tell me if da turn signals are working."
Ole: "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee.
Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to."
So Ole drove to Duluth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries.
The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.
Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died'."
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died.'?
Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If it's money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more."
So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put, Ole died. Boat for sale."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel.
"Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked excitedly.
"No," replied Lars.
"Vell, don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed."I yust took vun bite and vent blind!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it.
"Oh," said Ole, "I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet."
"How come?" asked Lars.
"Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet she can't sing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and said, "Are you a pole vaulter?"
Ole said, "No, I'm Norvegian and my name isn't Valter."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Henry

************************************
Governmentium

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new element has been tentatively named Governmentium.

Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of governmentium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.

************************************
_Quotes_Of_The_Day_
If I think, and therefore I am, am I just a thought?
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
Why do the numbers on the phone go one way, but the numbers on the calculator go the other way?
Why do we tie shoes to the back of a car for newly weds?
Is it possible to do stand-up comedy sitting down?
Is bad a bad word?
If dinosaurs had sores.........what would they be called?
What does the T in T-Shirt really mean?
Why does the label on children's Tylenol tell you not to operate heavy machinery or vehicles when it's for CHILDREN!?
Why do they call front seat shotgun?
Do bald men wash their head with soap or shampoo?
Why is there not a Channel 1 on TV?
Why are there dents in a golf ball?
Why are the obituaries found in the "living" section of the newspaper?
How can someone be dirt poor, and another be filthy rich?
When you put 'THE' and 'IRS' together, it forms 'THEIRS'. Coincidence? I think not.
What would happen if u put a humidifier and a dehumdifier in the same room?
Are one handed people offended when police tell them to put their hands up?
If you built a time machine with all new parts, when you went back would the parts you use dissapear because they didn't exist then?

************************************

Henry

=======================
Alcohol Consumption

This is soooooo gooooooood!

Of course this does not apply to any of my family and friends, but you may want to pass this on to other people to warn them.

Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
>>>
>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
>>>
>>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
>>>
>>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
>>>
>>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
>>>
>>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
>>>
>>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
>>>
>>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
>>>
>>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
>>>
>>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
>>>
>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked.
>>>
>>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel gode

Roger Stegman

=======================

Henry

=================================
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and Epson Salt. (Aisle 8) And avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks..... Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe begins wondering if the computer can be fooled. He mixes some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping here.

DianeZ

=================================
If I only had a little humility, I'd be perfect.

Books are the way the dead talk to the living.

Trying is the first step towards failure.

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.

=================================

Henry

===================================

The squeaking wheel doesn't always get the grease. Sometimes it gets replaced.

A groundless rumor often covers a lot of ground.

Never fight an inanimate object.

In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait.

Love looks through a telescope; envy, through a microscope.

All power corrupts, but we need the electricity.

I have learned to use the word 'impossible' with the greatest caution.

Learn as much by writing as by reading.

When someone does something good, applaud! You will make two people happy.

The reward of one duty is the power to fulfill another.

Too much of a good thing is wonderful.

If you are going to do something wrong at least enjoy it.

The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.

Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious.

"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you do know and what you don't."

Most people pay too much for the things they get for nothing.

Of those who say nothing, few are silent.

Things Moms Teach...
My mother taught me about GENETICS You are just like your father!
My mother taught me about my ROOTS Do you think you were born in a barn?

===================================

Henry

===========================================

Subject: When I Say I'm Broke-- I'm Broke

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young
man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like
to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady.

"I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally
eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a darn good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

===========================================

An economist's guess is liable to be as good as anybody else's.

Change is good, but dollars are better.

Common sense is instinct. Enough of it is genius.

If the shoe fits, it's too expensive.

People always say that hard work never killed anybody. Oh yeah? When's the last time ya ever heard of anyone who rested to death.

Being punctual in our Office was of no benefit what-so-ever. There was never anybody around to appreciate it.

Did ya ever notice the people who complain the most about not having enough time to do all their work are the same ones who always stop & tell everyone that they don't have enuff time to do all their work.

===========================================

Henry

==============================================
----- Original Message -----
The Pasta Diet and Your Health

ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!

1.. You walka pasta da bakery.

2.. You walka pasta da candy store.

3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop

4.. You walka pasta da table and fridge.

You will lose weight!

AND......

CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like - Speaking English is apparently what kills you!

Roger Stegman

==============================================

Henry

=================================================================
Listening, not imitation, may be the sincerest form of flattery.

Life is too important to be taken seriously.

A good listener is a good talker with a sore throat.

Nobody loves me but my mother, And she could be jivin' too.

It is useless to send armies against ideas.

Optimist, n. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white.

A cult is a religion with no political power.

My curiosity is my creativity on the way to discovery.

If you scatter thorns, don't go barefoot.

One should count each day a separate life.

He who would leap high must take a long run.

Of all noises, I think music is the least disagreeable.

Riches are not an end of life, but an instrument of life.

Coolidge is dead How could they tell?

One thing you can give and still keep is your word.

To him who is determined it remains only to act.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.

Art is making something out of nothing and selling it.

There are three ingredients to the good life; learning, earning, and yearning.

The only good is knowledge and the only evil is ignorance.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

Music . . . can name the unnameable and communicate the unknowable.

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

IRRELIGION, n. The principal one of the great faiths of the world.

If God lived on earth, people would break his windows.

The wise man avoids evil by anticipating it.

This is getting on my nerves, now that I have them.

Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of a witness.

I don't believe in divorce. I believe in widowhood.

The Net interprets censorship as damage... and routes around it.

Time ripens all things; no man is born wise.

Be not ashamed of mistakes and thus make them crimes.

Where observation is concerned, chance favors only the prepared mind.

England and America are two countries seperated by the same language.

=================================================================

Henry

=================================================
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
The computer is a moron.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
The cry of equality pulls everyone down.
To feel fit as a fiddle you must tone down your middle.
Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.
The only way to have a friend is to be one.
That's the problem with tradition, it's always dated.
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
He who boasts of his ancestry is praising the deeds of another.
Truly great madness cannot be achieved without significant intelligence.
Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
RESOLUTE, adj. Obstinate in a course that we approve.
Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.
No man is a hypocrite in his pleasures.
Money is good for bribing yourself through the inconveniences of life.
Human war has been the most successful of our cultural traditions.
Where is there dignity unless there is honesty?
I'm not the public.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.
I'm not going to climb into the ring with Tolstoy.
The gods too are fond of a joke.
No.
It is easier to believe than to doubt.
Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near.
As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.
The higher the buildings, the lower the morals.
Life in abundance comes only through great love.
The biggest shortage of all is the shortage of common sense.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
Loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves
If age imparted wisdom, there wouldn't be any old fools.
Life is an effort that deserves a better cause.
You don't die of a broken heart, you only wish you did.
Complain to one who can help you.
He is richest who is content with the least.
Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.
One thing you can give and still keep is your word.
Every nation ridicules other nations, and all are right.
KINDNESS, n. A brief preface to ten volumes of exaction.
Practice random beauty and senseless acts of love.
LAWYER, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law.

Roger Stegman

=================================================

Henry

=========================================
Luck always seems to be against the man who depends on it.

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.

How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?

Practicing the Golden Rule is not a sacrifice; it is an investment.

Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed.

Start every day with a smile and get it over with.

Courage is the ladder on which all the other virtues mount.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Words without actions are the assassins of idealism.

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.

The legacy of Democrats and Republicans approaches: Libertarianism by bankruptcy.

Adversity is the diamond dust Heaven polishes its jewels with.

One thing you can give and still keep is your word.

Solutions are not the answer.

Every nation ridicules other nations -- and all are right.

Brides aren't happy - they are just triumphant.

The city is not a concrete jungle, it is a human zoo.

The woman of my dreams knows how to break into systems.

Wagner's music is better than it sounds.

Help eliminate and irradicate unnecessary redundant obfuscation.

=========================================

Henry

===========================
Subject: Best Drunk Story

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His
buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it
on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says...................
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> "Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk."
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Roger Stegman

===========================

Henry

===============================================

A Teenager is

A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.
A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.
A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.
Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.
A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.
A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver's license.
A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn't have to study.
An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.
A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.
A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.
A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert.
A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.
A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.
A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing.
An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.

===============================================

Newest son-in-law A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.
I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family, said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.
The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise. I see," replied the father-in-law. Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.
I hate office work, said the son-on-law. I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day.
Wait a minute, said the father-in-law. I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?
Easy, said the young man. Buy me out.

At the public pool The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.
Everyone knows, the mother lectured him, that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool.
Oh really? said the lifeguard, from the diving board!?

===============================================

Expect the worst and you won't be disappointed.

===============================================

(Or, if ya like sausage, expect the wurst, instead.)

===============================================

Henry

=========================================

Discussion is an exchange of knowledge; argument an exchange of ignorance.

Nothing succeeds like address.

Fashion is something that goes in one year and out the other.

Success is the one unpardonable sin against one's fellows.

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.

We only do well the things we like doing.

The supreme accomplishment is to blur the line between work and play.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Of those who say nothing, few are silent.

Brevity is the soul of wit.

Only Robinson Crusoe had everything done by Friday.

Incompetents invariably make trouble for people other than themselves.

Living in a vacuum sucks.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.

Nothing improves the memory more than trying to forget.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait.

=========================================

Henry

==============================================
Subject: Fw: SINGING IN CHURCH

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.

He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind."

The pastor shouted out "CROSS." Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."

The pastor hollered out "GRACE" The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."

The pastor said "POWER" The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."

The Pastor said "SEX" The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little 87 year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES."

Pass this along and make some one smile today. I know I just did!

GOTTA LOVE THOSE LITTLE OLD LADIES

Roger Stegman

==============================================
----- Original Message -----
Subject: Great Quick meal for those busy artist.

BAKED & STUFFED CHICKEN
6-7 lb. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn
(ORVILLE REDENBACHER)
Salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt, and pepper.
Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.
Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for the popping sounds.

When the chicken's ass blows the oven door open and the Chicken flies across the room, it is done.
And you thought I couldn't cook...
Doni

Roger Stegman

==============================================

Henry

------------------------------------

The absence of alternatives clears the mind marvelously.

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits

All great truths begin as blasphemies.
I have not yet begun to procrastinate!

------------------------------------

Jokes of the day

Dating hints for gentlemen

There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date.

I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.

I used to come here all the time with my ex.

Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.

It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.

Question and answer

Q: How do you scare a man? A: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

Q: Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women? A: Women working at 900 numbers.

Q: Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner? A: In the pages of a romance novel.

Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift? A: Exchange him.

Q: Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many men? A: No phone numbers.

Q: Why do men like smart women? A: Opposites attract.

------------------------------------

Henry

---------------------------------------

Jokes of the day

You Know You've Turned Into a Mom When

You automatically double-knot everything you tie.

You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.

You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!

You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.

You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.

You get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.

You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?

You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak!

---------------------------------------

Jokes of the day

History repeats itself; that's one of the things that's wrong with history.

The only way to have a friend is to be one.

Life is what happens while you are making other plans.

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

Marriage: a long conversation chequered by disputes.

Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.

The essence of intelligence is skill in extracting meaning from everyday experience.

Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.

Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow.

Now let me explain why this makes intuitive sense.

God invented whiskey to keep the Irish from ruling the world.

Contemporaneous exposition is in general the best.

Someone's boring me. I think it's me.

I'm a scientist; nothing shocks me.

For NASA, space is still a high priority.

A good listener is usually thinking about something else.

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.

---------------------------------------

Henry

-------------------------------------------
Overheard by bartenders:

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

M: "Is this seat empty?"
W: "Yeah, and this one will be too if you sit down."

M: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
W: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

M: "Your place or mine?"
W: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

M: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
W: "It's in the phone book."

M: "But I don't know your name."
W: "That's in the phone book too."

M: "So, what do you do for a living?"
W: "I'm a female impersonator."

M: "What sign were you born under?"
W: "No Parking."

M: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
W: "STOP"

M: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
W: "Unfertilized."

M: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."
W: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

M: "I know how to please a woman."
W: "Then please leave me alone."

M: "I want to give myself to you."
W: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

M: "I can tell that you want me."
W: "Oooohh. You are sooo right. I want you to leave."

M: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy."
W: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

M: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
W: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

M: "Your body is like a temple."
W: "Sorry, there are no services today."

M: "I'd go through anything for you."
W: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

M: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
W: "Yes, but would you stay there?"

-------------------------------------------

Henry

-------------------------------------
One year at Thanksgiving my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs.

-------------------------------------
A superstition is a premature explanation that overstays its time.

It's an ill wind that blows when you leave the hairdresser.

Celibacy is not hereditary.

I rely on my personality for birth control.

Drama is life with the dull bits cut out.

Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.

Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.

Make sure you have finished speaking before your audience has finished listening.

Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.

Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.

A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.

The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple.

Science is nothing but trained and organized common sense.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

-------------------------------------

Henry

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Never cut what you can untie.

I love mankind; it's people I can't stand.

Ask about your neighbors, then buy the house.

Painless poverty is better than embittered wealth.

Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting.

The world is my lobster.

Talk to a man about himself and he will listen for hours.

Beware the man of one book.

All movements go too far.

It's kind of fun to do the impossible.

Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.

Keep your fears to yourself, but share your courage with others.

Be not slow to visit the sick.

Poor is the man whose pleasures depend on the permission of another.

Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.

Golf is a good walk spoiled.

I only drink to make other people seem interesting.

If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm.

Put more trust in nobility of character than in an oath.

If a pessimist is always right, is he a realist?

What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth.

---------------------------------------------------

Henry

------------------------------------------------
_Quotes_Of_The_Day_

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

How do you know when yogurt goes bad?

How do you know when you're out of invisible ink?

How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

How fast do you have to go to keep up with the sun so you're never in darkness?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

If a woman can be a meter maid, can a man be a meter butler?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was invented but just didn't have anything to jot it down on?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?

But I refuse to believe that I am a better actor than myself. --Jim Carrey

It's kind of fun to do the impossible.--Walt Disney

If you're going through hell, keep going. --Walt Disney

------------------------------------------------

Henry

--------------------------------------------------------

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?

If you can read the marking, isn't that end already up?

If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

If you dive into a pool of dry ice, can you swim without getting wet?

If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the driver end up owing you money?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If you have an open mind why don't your brains fall out?

--------------------------------------------------------

My wife left me but I'm not sure why.

After our last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses, so I'd have to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker -- maybe a 12 pack on weekends.

Anyway, I gave it up but the other day she came home from grocery shopping and when I looked at the receipt and saw $45 for makeup. I said, "Wait a minute. I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"

She said, "But honey, I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."

I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"

I don't think she'll be back.

--------------------------------------------------------

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table.

The wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My Gosh!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

--------------------------------------------------------

Henry

======================================================
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the darn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the thing's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

======================================================
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

Roger Stegman

======================================================

Henry

==========================
Subject: Fw: And They Vote

A guy bought a new refrigerator for his house. To get rid of his old refrigerator, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying:
"Free to good home. You want it, you take it."
For three days the refrigerator sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read:
"Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it.
Caution! These people Vote!
=======
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has for sometime), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff"...
She ALSO votes!
==========
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Pacific."
He ALSO votes!
==========
My colleague and I were e ating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving".
She ALSO votes!
==========
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
My sister ALSO votes!
==========
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount...
He ALSO votes!
==========
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...
My friend ALSO votes!
=========
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?".
SHE ALSO votes!

To those who understand ~ No explanation is necessary.
For those who don't understand ~ No explanation is possible.
>
>

Roger Stegman
==========================

Henry

=====================================
Retarded Grandparents

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but in it, they all jump up and down with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. They go cruising in their golf carts.

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.

Roger Stegman

=====================================
Subject: arthritis

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a Priest. The mans tie was stained, his face was plastered with Red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of His torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began Reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and Asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being With cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for Your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a Bath".

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," then Returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man And apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so Strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just Reading here that the Pope does".

Roger Stegman

=====================================

Henry

=====================================
THOUGHT YOU WERE HAVING A BAD DAY?

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning at about 11:00 a.m. , regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Having a Bad Day????

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day????

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of
wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

STILL think you're having a Bad Day????

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?? STILL having a Bad Day????

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, feeling better????

Roger Stegman

=====================================

(Wonder if that last one got a Darwin Award for his efforts?)

Henry