Remember, it might be later than you think! One hour later, to be precise!

Henry

=======================================
New Virus!
There is a new virus. It's called WORK. If you receive WORK from your Colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else, do not touch it under any circumstances.

This virus wipes out your private life completely.

If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar.

Order drinks immediately and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your system.

Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends.

Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your life.

If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends.

I think I have five friends, but am not entirely positive so I'm headed for the bar anyway..... it never hurts to be safe.

THANK GOODNESS I GOT THIS IN TIME.

=======================================
Subject: Two Women

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died:

1st woman: "I froze to death."

2nd woman: "How horrible."

1st woman: "It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"

2nd woman: "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: "So what happened?

2nd woman: "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died."

1st woman: "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.

Roger Stegman

=======================================

Henry

==============================================
Subject: English

English is Difficult? You betcha!!-

Can you read these correctly ... the first time?

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The landfill was so full, they had to refuse more refuse.

4) Please polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could be in the lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier chose to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, it is time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does strange antics when does are around.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong for us to wind the sail.

18) I shed a tear upon seeing the tear in the painting.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) I need to intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, no ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England nor French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Is it not crazy that you can make amends, but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think the first 'teachers of the language' should have been committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. How is it that people recite a play and play at a recital; ship by truck and send cargo by ship; have noses that run and feet that smell??

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down; you fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm goes of f by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. This is why... when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?

==============================================

Henry

quote:

) He could be in the lead if he would get the lead out.

this reminds me of a serious article in hunting and fishing news I read about hunting. It was when they were converting from lead (led) to stainless shot. The problem is that the mass is different and the stainless shot fries from the barrel faster but slows faster and the reverse for lead (led). So where you aim changes at different distances. The problem with the reading of it is that the distance you aim ahead is called the lead (leed). And they discussed the lead lead and stainless lead and how much you led lead and lead stainless or led stainless. Then they discussed it for the different distances. I could only read it by making notations but you could only determine if it was "led" or "leed" by context and that may not show until the next sentence. It was a total failure of the English language. They should have used Pb for lead (led).

Henry

===================================================
I think these are called, "Ain't it the truth!!"

LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)

Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's really ugly.

Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Cole's Law: Finely sliced cabbage.

===================================================

Henry

=======================================

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble, set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.

When she cried out, the Lord again appeared & asked her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson."

MORAL: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

=======================================

Henry

A LETTER TO DOGS AND CATS

Dear Dogs and Cats,

When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not to switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door...

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. Dogs and cats are better than kids... they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college -- and if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.
_________________

Henry

A DINNER CONVERSATION GONE WRONG

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not- don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (With a hurtful look on her face)

HUSBAND: (makes loud groan)

WIFE: "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"

HUSBAND: "I guess so."

WIFE: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left handed."

WIFE: ---silence--

HUSBAND: <oops>
_________________

Henry

Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam"!

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Henry

DOG vs. CAT DIARY

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY

Day number 180

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 181

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 182

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.

Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was... Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer.." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
_________________

Henry

Words Women Use

[u]Fine[/u]
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

[u]Five Minutes[/u]
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

[u]Nothing[/u]
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".

[u]Go Ahead[/u]
This is a dare, not permission. DON'T DO IT!

[u]Loud Sigh[/u]
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

[u]That's Okay[/u]
This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

[u]Thanks[/u]
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you, Do Not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.

_________________

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

eschew obfuscation!

Help stamp out eliminate and eradicate unnecessary extraneous superfluous redundancy.

_________________

Henry

Daffynitions:
-------------

24/7
The window of time in which systems are most vulnerable to attack

Access Control List (ACL)
The operating system file that gives users access to files and programs they have no good reason to access

Analyst, security
A mercenary paid vast sums of money to tell you that your systems can't be secured

Back door
A hacker's front door

Backup
A process you don't need until you don't do it

BC/DR (Business Continuity/Disaster Recovery Planning)
An alternate spelling for "CISO"

Biometrics
Strong authentication mechanism that streamlines insider attacks

Bot
See "Zombie"

Business case
A creative writing project, the quality of which is directly proportional to your security budget

Client/server
Two types of easily hacked computers

Clean desk policy
What document users admit to ignoring during your intellectual property theft investigation

Confidentiality, integrity and availability
The three great myths of the Internet Age

Crackers
Hackers

Cryptography
The science of applying a complex set of mathematical algorithms to sensitive data with the aim of making Bruce Schneier exceedingly rich

Cybercrime
Crime

Distributed Denial of Service (DDoS)
See "Bot"

Downtime
Refers to computer systems' natural state; the opposite of anticipated downtime

E-Commerce
A historical fad from the late '90s meant to generate hundreds of billions of dollars in new profits; the inciting factor that generated hundreds of billions of dollars being spent on security products

Firewalls
Speed bumps

Hackers
Self-righteous crackers

Help desk
A place where rude people read instruction manuals to confused people over the phone, for a fee

Identity theft
The transfer of your personally identifying information from corporations that want to exploit it to hackers who want to exploit it

Intrusion Detection Systems (IDS)
Log file generators

JOOTT ("jute")
adj. Acronym for Just One Of Those Things; the primary explanation for most information security problems

Laptop
A computer designed to allow employees to easily store vast amounts of customer data in the backseat of a taxicab

Logging
The practice of filling shelves with printouts

Logical security
A goal; also, an oxymoron

Mission critical
adj. Term used to help hackers identify their targets

Non-repudiation
The opposite of repudiation; repudiation, only not

O.S. hardening
An attempt to secure your operating system against the next hack by closing the hole used by the previous one

Passwords
Authentication tool that, when properly implemented, drives growth at the help desk

Patching
A mandatory fool's errand

Pharming and phishing
Ways to obtain phood

PKI (Public-Key Infrastructure)
A system designed to transfer all of the complexities of strong authentication onto end users

Regression testing
The process by which you learn how the patches that fixed your system also broke your system

Road warriors
Traveling employees responsible for delivering malicious code back to headquarters

Scope creep
Stage three of the standard software development model

Security administrator
Firefighter

Security officer
Fall guy

Total Cost of Ownership (TCO)
In security, an incalculable number always equal to or greater than the budget

Upgrade
The process by which you introduce new vulnerabilities into software

Virus
Sort of like a worm, but not exactly

Worm
Similar to a virus, but different

Zombie
See "Distributed Denial of Service"

_________________

Henry

_________________
Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,

A Troubled User.

______________________________________

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

_________________

Henry

quote:

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

     The statement contains an error. Syntax for the command should be
C:\>APOLOGIZE *.* /q
Sean

Well now, that would all depend on what directory it got installed in.

Song titles?
------------------------------------

This list has a couple of names by the songs so at least a very few are legit:

Although you're thirty, I still think you're purty.
Kinky Friedman / Panama Red

At the Gas Station of Love, I Got the Self Service Pump

Does The Spearmint Lose Its Flavor On The Bedpost Overnight?
Billy Rose & Marty Bloom / Ernest Breuer

From The Gutter To You Ain't Up

Her Body Couldn't Keep You Off My Mind

How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling

I Don't Want Your Body If Your Heart's Not In It

I Flushed You From The Toilet Of My Heart

I Got In At 2 With A 10 And Woke Up At 10 With A 2

I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better

I Would Have Answered Your Letter Sooner, But You Didn't Send One

I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite

I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life

I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Almost Like Having You Here

If Drinkin' Don't Kill Me Her Memory Will

If I Can't Find Mister Right, I'll Settle For Mister Right Now

If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now

If I Had To Do It All Over Again, I'd Do It All Over You

If I Said You Had A Beautiful Body, Would You Hold It Against Me?
David & Howard Bellamy

If Today Was A Fish, I'd Throw It Back In

If You Can't Live Without Me, Why Aren't You Dead?

If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?

If You Won't Leave Me Alone, I'll Find Someone Who Will

If Your Phone Ain't Ringing, It's Me

It Ain't Love But It Ain't Bad

Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)

My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him

Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You

She Got The Gold Mine, I Got The Shaft

She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

She's Out Doing What I'm Here Doing Without

Take Your Tongue Out Of My Mouth, I'm Trying To Kiss You Goodbye

Tennis Must Be Your Racket 'Cause Love Means Nothin' To You

Thanks To The Cathouse, I'm In The Doghouse With You

Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart

What Made Milwaukee Famous Has Made A Fool Out Of Me
G. Sutton

You Are The North End Of A Southbound Pig

You Can't Deal Me All The Aces And Expect Me Not To Play

You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too

You're Ruining My Bad Reputation

You're The Reason Our Kids Are Ugly

You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life

-------------------------------------

Henry

-----------------------------
Questions that defy answers.

1. Why is it called the Minute Waltz when it lasts a minute and 49 seconds?

2. How do you write "zero" in Roman Numerals?

3. If you sneeze when you are alone should you "God Bless" yourself?

4. With four legs does my dog get twice as much exercise as I do or half as much?

5. Does the Invisible Man have a picture on his driver's license?

6. Why doesn't Mona Lisa have eyebrows?

7. Why do fans sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" when they are already there?

8. How can you make a perfect sandwich with round bologna and square bread?

9. If the pen is mightier than the sword and a picture is worth a thousand words, what would a picture of a sword be worth?

10. If man evolved from apes and monkeys, why do we still have apes and monkeys?

11. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow signs?

12. Can my vegan daughter eat animal crackers?

13. Why does the word "snow" have a "w" in it?

14. How can a chocolate doughnut get to be a day old?

15. If Police arrest a Mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?

16. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

17. If a sychronized swimmer drowns, must the others drown too?

18. If a little knowledge is a dangerous thing what is a lot of ignorance?

19. Do they lock gas station bathrooms because they are afraid someone will chlean them?

20. How did "Keep Off The Grass" signs get there?

21. Why don't we ever see a headline that reads,"psychic Wins Lottery?

22. Why don't sheep shrink?

23. Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

24. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about it?

25. What is the speed of darkness?

26. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made from the same material?

27. Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same?

(copied from a newspaper article by Tom Hennessy)
-----------------------------

Henry

quote:

10. If man evolved from apes and monkeys, why do we still have apes and monkeys?

     That's an easy one. They were held back in case something went wrong and we had to return to the drawing board. From where I'm sitting it looks as if taking that precaution was a very good idea.
Sean

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My karma ran over your dogma.

Disabled still means able.

A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

Don't say bald - say combing impaired.

Hermits Unite!

Optimistic - even in the face of reality.

Attitudes are the biggest disability.

Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." - Will Rogers

All we are saying is give peas a chance.

Practice random acts of kindness and senseless beauty.

Under Republicans, man exploited man. Under Democrats, it's just the opposite.

Visualize whirled peas.

Mend your fuelish ways.

They're not hot flashes: they're power surges.

----------------------------------------------

Henry

NEVER SAY TO A COP

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
_________________

Henry

quote:

18. If a little knowledge is a dangerous thing what is a lot of ignorance?

Too common?

_________________
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN BEFORE THE 80's !!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pickup on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.

After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms... WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL! And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good. and while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

_________________

Henry

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, .go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked"

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. If it's really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape....

He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
_________________

Henry

Dear Staff,

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.

If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume that you are already doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

PERSONAL DAYS:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

LUNCH BREAKS:

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor's, you are able to come to work.

REST-ROOM USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest-room. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offender" category.

SURGERY:

As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

_________________

Henry