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A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly,the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify Me. "The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I wantto know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing is wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy. "The Lord replied,"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?" ----------------------- A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office. He says, "I'm a tee-pee! I'm a wig-wam! I'm a tee-pee! I'm a wig-wam! I'm a tee-pee! I'm a wig-wam!" The psychiatrist responds, "You need to relax. You're two tents." ----------------------- Henry |
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HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
___________________________________ Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is good for only so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. ____________________________________ Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable product ____________________________________ Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! ____________________________________ Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. ____________________________________ Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain = Good. ____________________________________ Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? ____________________________________ Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. ____________________________________ Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO ..... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around! ____________________________________ Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. ____________________________________ Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! "Round" is a shape! ____________________________________ Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. ____________________________________ Henry |
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Why did the boy take a computer to school? Because his Mother told him to take the Treacher an Apple. ------------------------ Why did the Oreo go to the doctor? Because he was feeling crummy. ------------------------ Q: What's brown and sticky? A: A stick. ------------------------ I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..." I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and (Censored)'s. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I have stayed alive. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America? Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool? Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!" A good friend will come and bail you out of jail... but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn... that was fun!"- I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place! When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk." The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that's what he said). If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called LABOR! Wouldn't you know it... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever. ------------------------ Henry |
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A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?" ---------------------------- Wedding Anniversary A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife told him, "Tomorrow there had better be something in the driveway for me that goes from 0 to 200 in 2 seconds flat!" The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for this Saturday. ---------------------------- The ultimate response to a Dear John letter... You gotta love a man like this!!!! Humor in the face of defeat. A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. And, she wanted pictures of herself back. So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back." ---------------------------- A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach. The sand is dark red. He can't believe it. The sky is dark red. He walks around a bit and sees there is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn dark red too. "Oh no!!" he says. "I think I've been marooned! ---------------------------- Henry |
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Never goes away... |
Gotta love theonion.com!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Käthe We have weapons of mass destruction we have to address here at home. Poverty is a weapon of mass destruction. Homelessness is a weapon of mass destruction. Unemployment is a weapon of mass destruction." - Dennis Kucinich |
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NEW WORDS FOR 2006: ------------------------------------------ Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere)!!! BLAMESTORMING : Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. SEAGULL MANAGER : A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, poops on everything, and then leaves. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles PRAIRIE DOGGING : When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. MOUSE POTATO : The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. SITCOMs : Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. STRESS PUPPY : A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. SWIPEOUT : An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. XEROX SUBSIDY : Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace. IRRITAINMENT : Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding (or not) was a prime example - Michael Jackson, another... PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE : The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. 404 : Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions. OHNOSECOND : That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake) WOOFS : Well-Off Older Folks. CROP DUSTING : Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm . ------------------------------------------ Henry |
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Käthe,
Ya know the problem with political jokes? Too many of them get elected!   Henry |
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Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often. A closed mouth gathers no foot. Tis better to keep quiet and be thought an idiot than to open ones mouth and remove all doubt. Eschew obfuscation. (gesundheit!) --------------------------------- A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck Cuddles has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!" The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.00." --------------------------------- Henry |
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Up-and-coming visionaries get chided all the time by the establishment. Here are some classics to inspire you to power on for the betterment of humanity.
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." --Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949 "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." --Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943 "I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." --The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957 "But what ... is it good for?" --Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip. "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." --Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977 "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." --Western Union internal memo, 1876. "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" --David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s. "The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." --A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.) "Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" --H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927. "I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind." "A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." --Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies. "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." --Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962. "Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." --Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895. "If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." --Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads. "So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'" --Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer. "Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools." --1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work. "You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training." --Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus. "Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy.." --Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859. "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." --Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929. "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." --Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre. "Everything that can be invented has been invented." --Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899. "Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction". --Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872 "The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon". --Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon- Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Bill Gates, 1981 _________________ Henry |
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At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really. 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round is a shape. 1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh. Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh!! ----------------------------------- Henry |
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Computer Help Desk -------------------------------------------------------------------- Computer Help Desk Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have? Customer: A beige one... ------------------------------------------------------------------- Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out. Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button? Customer: Yes, but it's really stuck. Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note . Customer: No, wait a minute, I haven't inserted it yet, it's still on my desk, sorry. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Helpdesk: Click on the 'My Computer' icon on to the left of the screen. Customer: Your left or my left? -------------------------------------------------------------------- Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you? Male customer: Hello... I can't print. Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ... Customer: Listen pal, don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates! -------------------------------------------------------------------- Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it... -------------------------------------------------------------------- Customer: I have problems printing in red... Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer? Customer: No. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Helpdesk: And now hit F8. Customer: It's not working. Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly? Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening... -------------------------------------------------------------------- Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer. Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. Customer: OK Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you? Customer: Yes Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work! -------------------------------------------------------------------- Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, and the number 7. Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters? -------------------------------------------------------------------- A customer couldn't get on the Internet. Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password? Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was? Customer: Five stars. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Helpdesk: What anti-virus program do you use? Customer: Netscape. Helpdesk: That's not an anti-virus program. Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears! -------------------------------------------------------------------- Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you? Customer: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me? Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem? Customer: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me? -------------------------------------------------------------------- Helpdesk: How may I help you? Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail. Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem? Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it? -------------------------------------------------------------------- And don't forget the one about the "cup holder" on the front of the computer.  "Press any key to continue..." "I can't find the 'ANY' key!" "Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue." "Press any key to continue, any other key to quit." "Press any key to continue, NO NO NOT THAT ONE!" -------------------------------------------------------------------- Henry |
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MVP Sports Dude |
I've never understood the old comedy cliche that guys don't ask for directions. If I don't know where I'm going, especially if I'm in a new city or a part of town I'm not familiar with, I have NO qualms about saying "Alright, how the hell do I get there?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Going to war without the French is like going hunting without an accordion." |
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Maxims for the Internet Age - Home is where you hang your @ - The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail. - A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. - You can't teach a new mouse old clicks. - Great groups from little icons grow. - Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. - C: is the root of all directories. - Don't put all your hypes in one home page. - Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish. - The modem is the message. - Too many clicks spoil the browse. - The geek shall inherit the earth. - A chat has nine lives. - Don't byte off more than you can view. - Fax is stranger than fiction. - What boots up must come down. - Windows will never cease. - In Gates we trust. - Virtual reality is its own reward. - Modulation in all things. - A user and his leisure time are soon parted. - Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks. - There's no place like http://www.home.com - Know what to expect before you connect. - Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice! - Speed thrills. Patty --------------------------------------------------------------- Henry |
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MVP Sports Dude |
Boy Sets Self on Fire in Alleged Gas Theft
Associated Press GILLETTE, Wyo. (AP) - A teenage boy accidentally set himself on fire early Wednesday morning after allegedly trying to siphon gas from a firefighter's car. Police first learned of the injury after a 17-year-old boy and a 16-year-old boy claimed that someone had thrown gasoline on the 17-year-old at the Common Cents service station and lit him on fire, said Lt. Rod Hauge. The boy was taken to the hospital with second- and third-degree burns on his legs. Police were called to the hospital to investigate the incident and later learned that the 17-year-old spilled gas on his pants while siphoning gas. He then used a lighter to try to determine how wet his pants were and set himself of fire, Hague said.  Both boys have been ticketed with larceny, Hauge said. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Going to war without the French is like going hunting without an accordion." |
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Ah, an upcoming candidate for the Darwin Awards.
 Henry |
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Murphy's Technology Law #1 -- You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Murphy's Technology Law #2 -- Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence. Murphy's Technology Law #3 -- Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand. Murphy's Technology Law #4 -- If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. Murphy's Technology Law #5 -- All great discoveries are made by mistake. Murphy's Technology Law #6 -- Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. Murphy's Technology Law #7 -- All's well that ends... period. Murphy's Technology Law #8 -- A meeting is an event at which minutes are kept and hours are lost. Murphy's Technology Law #9 -- The first myth of management is that it exists. Murphy's Technology Law #10 -- A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection. Murphy's Technology Law #11 -- New systems generate new problems. Murphy's Technology Law #12 -- Any given program, when running, is obsolete. Murphy's Technology Law #13 -- A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make. ============================ To err is human. But to really mess up you need a computer. Computers make ver fast, very accurate mistakes. 2+2=5 for very large values of 2. Files will grow so as to fill any available disk or memory space. Error: keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. ============================ Henry |
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A Tomato Story ============================================= An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test. The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day." Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a Computer nor an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day." Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmer's market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family. During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck. At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him. By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard. Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed a million dollars. Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer! No Internet! Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!" " Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour." Which brings us to the moral of the story: Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire. Patty ============================================= Henry |
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MVP Sports Dude |
This one may be apocryphal (aka
 )Supposedly the scene was a live local evening news broadcast in the northeast (I heard Pittsburgh). The previous night, the weatherman had predicted 9 inches of snow, but in reality they only got a dusting. Well of course the only part of those news broadcasts that is improvised is the rapport between the anchors. So no one had any foresight to stop the female anchor, before tossing it over to the weather guy, who chastized him by saying "So, Bill... what happened to those nine inches you promised me last night??" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Going to war without the French is like going hunting without an accordion." |
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~~~TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS~~~ ================================================ December 14, 1972 My dearest darling John: Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way. My love always, Agnes ================================================ December 15, 1972 Dearest John: Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes ================================================ December 16, 1972 Dear John: Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind. All my love, Agnes ================================================ December 17, 1972 Dear John: Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic. Affectionately, Agnes ================================================ December 18, 1972 Dearest John: What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love, Agnes ================================================= December 19, 1972 Dear John: When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop. Cordially, Agnes ================================================ December 20, 1972 John: What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking birds. Sincerely, Agnes ================================================ December 21, 1972 O.K. Buster: I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smarta$$. Agnes ================================================ December 22, 1972 Hey S##thead: What are you.....some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours ! Agnes ================================================ December 23, 1972 You rotten pr##k: Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been b##ling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of s@!t. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you ! Agnes ================================================ December 24, 1972 Listen F###head: What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maid and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine. You're sworn enemy, Agnes ================================================ December 25, 1972 Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest. Cordially, Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole -------------------- Roger Stegman ================================================ Henry |
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The American Dairy Association was so successful with its "Got Milk?" campaign, that it was decided to extend the ads to Mexico. Unfortunately, the Spanish translation was "Are you lactating?" Electrolux, a Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer, used this ad in the U.S.: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux." Colgate introduced a toothpaste called "Cue" in France, but it turned out to be the same name as a well-known porno magazine. When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly naked." Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea." Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate." Bacardi concocted a fruity drink with the name "Pavian" to suggest French chic...but "pavian" means "baboon" in German. A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick. When Kentucky Fried Chicken entered the Chinese market, to their horror they discovered that their slogan "finger lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off" When Vicks first introduce its cough drops on the German market, they were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of "v" is f - which in German is the guttural equivalent of "sexualpenetration." Parker Pens translated the slogan for its ink, "Avoid Embarrassment - Use Quink" into Spanish as "Evite Embarazos - Use Quink"...which also means, "Avoid Pregnancy - Use Quink." When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave." In Italy, a campaign for "Schweppes Tonic Water" translated the name into the much less thirst quenching "Schweppes Toilet Water." Chinese translation proved difficult for Coke, which took two tries to get it right. They first tried Ke-kou-ke-la because when pronounced it sounded roughly like Coca-Cola. It wasn't until after thousands of signs had been printed that they discovered that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax," depending on the dialect. Second time around things worked out much better. After researching 40,000 Chinese characters, Coke came up with "ko-kou-ko-le" which translates roughly to the much more appropriate "happiness in the mouth." Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse. The English weren't too fond of the name either, as it's a highly derogatory term for a non-heterosexual. The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No va" means "it doesn't go" in Spanish. Ford introduced the Pinto in Brazil. After watching sales go nowhere, the company learned that "Pinto" is Brazilian slang for "tiny malegenitals." Ford pried the nameplates off all of the cars and substituted them with "Corcel" which means horse. When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA - with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside since most people can't read. In the French part of Canada, Hunt-Wesson introduced its "Big John" products as "Gros Jos." It later found out that the phrase is slang for "bigbreasts." ================================================ Henry |
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Bumper stickers -WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore. -Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. All men are idiots.... I married their king. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. -Out of my mind... Back in five minutes. -I took an IQ test and the results were negative. Where there's a will... I want to be on it. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. Don't drink and drive... You might hit a bump and spill it. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. -Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. -Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Be nice to your kids... They will pick out your nursing home. -Always remember you're unique... Just like everyone else. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. -Eschew obfuscation. Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular. -Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses. -Editing is a rewording activity. -Make yourself at home ..... clean my kitchen Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done Too many freaks not enough circuses -Ambivalent? Well yes and no.... -Does your train of thought have a caboose? -Is it time for your medication or mine? -I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck -How do I set the laser printer to stun? I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. -And your crybaby, whiny opinion would be ... ? -I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. -Hang up and drive. -If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you! -Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out by itself. -Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me. "Eat beans, America needs the gas!" -------------------- "There's a difference between a philosophy and a bumper sticker." -- Charles M. Schultz -------------------- Henry |
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Subject: Cute *********************************** An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws. "You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head. His grandmother knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles, she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!" The boy looked up, "Really?" "Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles." The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles." ************************************** A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!" ************************************** My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No,how are we alike?" "You're both old," he said. ********************************* When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised."Mine says I'm four." *********************************** A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife." *********************************** Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his friend about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?" With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!!" *************************************** A second grader came home from school and said to her mother "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change "y" to "i" and add "es". (Why wouldn't an English teacher love that one???) **************************************** " Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently."It means carrying a child." ******************************************** A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV, "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!" *********************************** A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close...."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant." -------------------- Roger Stegman *********************************** Henry |
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"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares ... Now what do we do for Christmas?!" -------------------- Best Drinking Story Ever Told Recently, a routine police patrol was parked outside a local neighborhood bar in Minnesota. Late in the evening, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly watching. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street. The police officer having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the man. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy." -------------------- Henry |
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GREAT QUOTES BY GREAT LADIES Inside every older lady is a younger lady -- wondering what the hell happened. -Cora Harvey Armstrong- Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies. The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. -Helen Hayes (at 73)- I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. -Janette Barber- Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. -Lily Tomlin- A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. -Carrie Snow- My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. -Erma Bombeck- Old age ain't no place for sissies. -Bette Davis- Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows. -Jennifer Unlimited- Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. -Caryn Leschen- I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once! -Jennifer Unlimited- If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. -Catherine- When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow! -Kathy Buckley- I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb-- and I'm also not blonde. -Dolly Parton- If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. -Sue Grafton- I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. -Roseanne Barr- When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.. -Elayne Boosler- Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. -Maryon Pearson- In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman. -Margaret Thatcher- I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.. -Zsa Zsa Gabor- Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. -Eleanor Roosevelt- -------------------- Henry |
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THE YEAR'S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2004 Crack Found on Governor's Daughter [imagine that!) Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says [no, really?) Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers [now that's taking things a bit far!) Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? [not if I wipe thoroughly!) Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over [ what a guy!) Miners Refuse to Work after Death [no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!) Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant [see if that works any better than a fair trial!) War Dims Hope for Peace (I can see where it might have that effect!) If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile [you think?!) Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures [who would have thought!) Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide [they may be on to something!] Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges [you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!) Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge [he probably IS the battery charge!] New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group [weren't they fat enough?!] Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft [That's what he gets for eating those beans!] Kids Make Nutritious Snacks [They taste like chicken!] Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy [That was really giving of himself!] Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half [Texas Chainsaw Massacre all over again!) Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors [Boy, are they tall!] And the winner is.... Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead [I certainly hope so!) -------------------- Roger Stegman ======================================== Henry |
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