For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity.

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? (Somebody please explain THIS ONE to me - I know there's a logical explanation, but it escapes me)
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war?
26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

Henry

*****
If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z, X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.

Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
*****
"Things You Don't Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System"

1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.

2. Hey folks, were going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.

3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airlines new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.

4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock.... one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!

5. Ummmmmm.... Sorry...... (silence)

6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff).... uhhhhh.... we have to go back .... we .. we .... uhhhhhh .... forgot something.....

7. I'm sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now.

8. Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car)

9. This is your Captain speaking.... these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to.. so you'll have to give me some leeway...

10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.

11. We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and ... Oh noooooooo!!!!!..

12. Don't worry! That one is always on E...

13. Get the parachutes ready...

14. Drinks are on me... or I'll have what the Captain's having...

15. Hey capt'n take another hit man...
*****
"Flying 'truisms'"

1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.

2. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.

3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.

4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.

5. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.

6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.

7. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.

8. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.

9. The best-looking person of the opposite sex on your flight is never seated next to you, even if the guy at the check out counter guaranteed you a "good" seat

10. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.
*****
"Aircraft Landings"

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why no Ma'am, what is it?"

"Did we land or were we shot down?"
*****
"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
*****
United Airlines FA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so called "touch down."
*****
About 5 or 6 years ago on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day. I could tell during the final that the Captain was really having to fight it, and after an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant come on the PA and announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belt fastened while the Captain taxies what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
*****
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
*****
Upon landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system, "Sorry folks for the hard landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the plane's fault. It was the asphalt."
*****

Henry

*****
In short, the habits we form from childhood make no small difference, but rather they make all the difference.

Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)
*****
Two mice met in the early nineteen-sixties, when manned flights in orbit were as yet in the planning stage. After the usual exchange of pleasantries, one said, "But you look worn out, Michael. What's the matter?"

Michael shrugged his little shoulders and said, "Life isn't easy for us scientists, you know. I'm in space research, and those experimental flights in rockets, with the weightlessness and the acceleration and the uncertainty of safe return -- Well, it's hard on one's nerves."

"In that case," said his friend, "why don't you quit and take a job in some other line of work?"

"That's easy to say," said Michael, "but stop and think - Is a job in cancer research any better?"
*****
What is a computer's first sign of old age?
Loss of memory

What does a baby computer call his father?
Data

What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard?
The space bar

What happened when the computer fell on the floor?
It slipped a disk

Why was there a bug in the computer?
It was looking for a byte to eat

What is a computer virus?
A terminal illness

~ To err is human; but to really mess things up requires a computer.

~ Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

~ Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

~ The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.

~ As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

~ Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.
*****
Keyboard not found - press F1 to continue.

Press any key to continue. Press any other key to quit.

Press any key to continue. NO NO - NOT THAT ONE!

RAM disk is not a startup procedure.
*****

Henry

*****
In Switzerland they had brotherly love, five hundred years of democracy and peace, and what did they produce? The cuckoo clock!

Orson Welles
*****
Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
~~~
The difference between the Pope and your boss.... the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
~~~
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
~~~
I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well it really chilled the mood.
*****
A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
*****
This is a detective story so pay close attention!!!

Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first Diamondbacks baseball game. They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniel's into the ball park. The game is real exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely mixing the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks. Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go.

Based on the given information, what inning is it and how many players are on base?

Think!

Think some more!!

You're gonna love it......

ANSWER: It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded
*****
(Hey, I just copy/pasted the above, so it's not my fault! )

Henry

*****
Why men are so happy. What do you expect from such simple creatures!?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood, ALL the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.

*****

Henry

*****
Three absent-minded professors were talking together in a bus terminal. They got so engrossed in what they were saying that they didn't notice the bus had pulled in.

As the driver sang out, "All aboard," they looked up startled and dashed from the platform. Two of them managed to hop on the bus, but the third didn't make it.

As he stood sadly watching the bus disappear into the distance, a stranger tried to cheer him up, saying, "You shouldn't feel too bad. Two out of three made it, and that's a pretty good average."

The professor shook his head. "But THEY came to see ME off."
*****
HOW TO PHOTOGRAPH A NEW PUPPY

1. Remove film from box and load camera.

2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.

3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.

4. Choose a suitable background for photo.

5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.

6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.

7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.

8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.

9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.

10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.

11. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.

13. Put magazines back on coffee table.

14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.

15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.

16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"

17. Clean up mess.

18. Sit back in chair with lemonade and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.
*****

Henry

*****
Success is dependent on effort.

Sophocles
*****
Carolyn: It's SW's birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked him what he wanted for a present.

Charlotte: What'd he ask for?

Carolyn: He said, "I don't know. Surprise me. Give me something with diamonds in it." That's why I'm giving him a deck of playing cards.
*****
The Southern 10 Commandments

1. Y'all shalt always remember your manners.

2. Y'all shalt make no fuss over yourself.

3. Y'all shalt not sass your mama.

4. Y'all shalt always wonder what your daddy would think.

5. Y'all shalt always talk the way you grow'ed up.

6. Y'all shalt tell no whoppers unless you are in a situation where you are expected to.

7. Y'all shalt demonstrate your great faith by the way you drive.

8. Y'all shalt always clean your plate.

9. Y'all shalt hold kinfolk in high regard, regardless of what you really think of 'em.

10. Y'all shalt always remember where you come from.
*****
After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she had been stood up. She changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV.

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang. There stood her date. He took one look at her and gasped, "I'm two hours late--and you're still not ready?"
*****

(to be continued next year...)

Henry

*****
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)
*****
These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions. The younger readers among you won't know who some of these people are. Go ask your parents.

Peter Marshall: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Peter Marshall: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Peter Marshall: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Peter Marshall: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
*****
I was getting my hair cut at a neighborhood shop, and I asked the barber when would be the best time to bring in my two-year-old son.

Without hesitation, the barber answered, "When he's four."
*****
Show me a man who comes home in the evening, is greeted by a smile, is encouraged to take off his shoes, has pillows arranged on the floor for him, and is served a delicious meal - and I'll show you a man who lives in a Japanese restaurant!
*****
Some guy is claiming that a tonic of beer and urine will improve your garden.

Come on, if that was true, wouldn't frat houses be like tropical rain forests?
*****
Q: Why are New Yorkers always depressed?

A: The light at the end of their tunnel is New Jersey
*****

Henry

*****
Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing.

Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
*****
Even if you're not a grandparent you will enjoy this. A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation.
One child wrote the following:

We always spend our vacation with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big, brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.
They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim. At their gate there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.
My grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds.
Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out, so the ones who get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.
My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded one day, too.
When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.
*****
1. How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice Too Long?
Polaroids

7. What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate
Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone
Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs?
Right where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
*****

Henry

*****
A big challenge of running a small business is dealing with employees' requests for time off.

One morning an employee said, "I need to leave early tomorrow."

Later that same day, he followed with, "Looks like I'll be coming in late tomorrow, but if my coming in late runs into my leaving early, then I won't be in at all."

*I think I used to work with that guy*
*****
Okay, you've heard of Murphy's famous Law: Everything that can go wrong will go wrong. Well, there are many other related Lawsl. Here are some:

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
--Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair

Identical parts aren't.
--Beach's Law

Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner.
--Anthony's Law of the Workshop

Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
--Tussman's Law

If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
--Lowery's Law

The solution to a problem changes the problem.
--Peer's Law

There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.
--William's Law

Handy Guide to Modern Science:
1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's Biology.
2. If it stinks, it's Chemistry.
3. If it doesn't work, it's Physics.

Machines should work. People should think.
--IBM's Pollyanna Principle:

The most ineffective workers will be systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage - management.
--The Dilbert Principle

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
--Ehrlich's Law

It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.
--Ralph's Observation

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
--Cannon's Comment

Thinly sliced cabbage.
--Cole's Law

*****

Henry

*****
Simplicity is the natural result of profound thought.

Anonymous
*****
Don't do this... or rules for life.

I have one to add that I kind of like to live by: Never tumble dry a wet bullet.

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved its full potential, that word would be "meetings".

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness"

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

19. Your friends love you anyway.
*****

Henry

*****
Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.

Ogden Nash

(Okay, but who else?)

*****
I was playing tooth fairy when my daughter suddenly woke up. Seeing the money in my hand, she cried out, "I caught you!"

I froze and tried to think of an explanation for why I -- instead of the tooth fairy -- was putting the money under her pillow.

But her next words let me off the hook. "You put that money back!" she said indignantly. "The tooth fairy left that for me!"

(A fairy tale?)

*****
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams"

(And we wonder why the divorce rate is so high!)

*****
The church welcomed all denominations but preferred tens and twenties.

(No singles?)

*****
There was a Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jack, who was very interested in making a pound where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time.

Eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest churches. Jack put in a painting bid and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and...yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine.

Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jock fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn.

Now, Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

(That guy done pent hisself into a corner, huh?)

*****
When you write copy, you own the right of copyright to the copy you write, if the copy is right. If, however, your copy falls over, you must right your copy. If you write religious services, you write rite, and own the right of copyright to the rite you write.

Conservatives write Right copy, and own the right of copyright, to the Right copy they write. A right-wing cleric would write Right rite, and owns the right of copyright to the Right rite he has the right to write. His editor has the job of making the Right rite copy right before the copyright can be right.

Should Reverend Jim Wright decide to write Right rite, then Wright would write right rite, to which Wright has the right of copyright. Duplicating his rite would be to copy Wright's Right rite, and violate copyright, to which Wright would have the right to right.

Right?

(What's wrong with this picture?)

*****

Henry

*****
In my own experience, the period of greatest gain in knowledge and experience is the most difficult period in one's life. ...Through a difficult period, you can learn, you can develop inner strength, determination, and courage to face the problem. Who gives you this chance? Your enemy.

-His Holiness the Dalai Lama
*****
A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them. Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: "Last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave."

At 6:30 p.m., the man stopped at his desk and found this note: "Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You drove, Dumbass."
*****
A witness is testifying before the court, and the prosecuting attorney is asking him questions: "You witnessed the robbery, sir?"

"Yes!"

"What was stolen?"

"Two televisions."

"Did you see the thieves?"

"Yes!!"

"Could you identify them?"

"Yes!!"

"Are the two men who stole the televisions in this courtroom?"

At this point, the two defendants raised their hands.
(What's a defense attorney to do?)
*****

Henry

*****

Seen on "T" Shirts

1) My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn't!

2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

3) I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!

4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10) Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.

11) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

13) God must love stupid people, he made so many.

14) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.

16) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

17) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

18) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

19) Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam (seen on Cape Cod)

20) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up

21) Procrastinate Now

22) Rehab Is for Quitters

23) My Dog Can Lick Anyone

24) Finally 21, and Legally Able To Do Everything I've Been doing since 15 .

25) West Virginia: One million people and 15 last names.

26) FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.

27) MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT

28) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

29) STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!

30) The original "point and click interface" was a Smith and Wesson.

31) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead

32) POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on.

33) FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.

34) HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH

35) A PICTURE IS WORTH A 1000 WORDS, but it uses up a 1000 times the memory.

36) The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.

37) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

38) HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

39) WELCOME TO SOUTH CAROLINA - Set your watch back 20 years.

40) The trouble with life is there's no background music.

*****

Henry

*****

Some Of The Worst News Headlines

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

*****
(So, just how big was this violin?)
(The veterinarian takes over what, exactly? On second thought, don't tell me.)
(Maybe the police should hire that tree, make it a detective?)
(They should'a used duct tape.)

Henry

*****
Nothing is so admirable in politics as a short memory.

John Kenneth Galbraith
*****
Jewish Buddhism

*Take only what is given.
Own nothing but your robes and an alms bowl.
Unless, of course, you have the closet space.

*Let your mind be as a floating cloud.
Let your stillness be as the wooded glen.
And sit up straight.
You'll never meet the Buddha with posture like that!

*There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called,
you never wrote, you never visited.
And whose fault was that?

*Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.

*To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following:
Get rid of the motorcycle.
What were you thinking?

*Learn of the pine from the pine.
Learn of the bamboo from the bamboo.
Learn of the kugel from the kugel.

*Be aware of your body.
Be aware of your perceptions.
Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

*If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

*Breathe in. Breathe out.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

*The Tao has no expectations.
The Tao demands nothing of others.
The Tao does not speak.
The Tao does not blame.
The Tao does not take sides.
The Tao is not Jewish.

*Drink tea and nourish life.
With the first sip, joy.
With the second, satisfaction.
With the third, Danish.

*Be patient and achieve all things.
Be impatient and achieve all things faster.

*To Find the Buddha, look within.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.

*Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

*The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single oy.

*If you wish to know The Way, don't ask for directions.
Argue.

*Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness.
And then what do you have?

Bubkis.
*****

Henry

*****
Nobody kicks on being interrupted if it's by applause.

Kin Hubbard
*****
Mr. Jones patted his daughter's hand fondly, and told her, "Your young man told me today he wanted you as a bride, and I gave my consent."

"Oh, Papa," gushed the daughter, "it's going to be so hard leaving mother."

"I understand perfectly, my dear," beamed Mr. Jones. "You just take her with you."
*****
Teacher: If you had $1.00 and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have.

Little Johnny: "I would have $1.00!"

Teacher: "You don't know your arithmetic."

Little Johnny: "You don't know my father!"
*****
A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D.C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River.

"That's impossible," said the tourist. "No one could throw a coin that far!"

"You have to remember," answered the guide. "A dollar went a lot farther in those days."
*****
Two elderly gentlemen were having coffee in the resort hotel the morning after their double wedding to their respective elderly wives.

Jim said, with concern, "I'll have to see a doctor when I get home, I couldn't consummate my marriage last night."

"Well, really," says Bob. "I better see a therapist then - I didn't even think of it!"
*****

Henry

*****
Nothing else in the world...not all the armies...is so powerful as an idea whose time has come.

Victor Hugo
*****
MILITARY WISDOM

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. - U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - Gen.Mac Arthur

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal

"You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything." - U. S Navy Swabbie

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal

"No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." - Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
*****

Henry

*****
Nothing is comprehensible except by virtue of its edges.

Indian Proverb
*****
YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN THE SOUTH IN JULY WHEN...

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

Hot water now comes out of both taps.

You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

You can make sun tea instantly.

The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.

You discover that it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk.
*****
The Queen of England was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the Royal Stables when one of the stallions close by passed gas so loudly it couldn't be ignored.

"Oh dear," said the Queen, "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that."

"It's quite understandable," said the Archbishop, and after a moment added, "As a matter of fact I thought it was the horse."
*****

Henry

*****
I have no idea if these are true, but that make good readin'.

Things that make you go--"hmmmm"

1. In Kentucky, 50 percent of the people who get married for the first time are teenagers.

2. Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during W.W.I.

3. Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded.

(I suppose it was all relative.)

4. In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are automobiles.

5. About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting on it. (Who studied this, how'd they study it, and why?)

6. You're more likely to get stung by a bee on a windy day than in any other weather.

7. An average person laughs about 15 times a day.

8. Research indicates that mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas.

9. Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air.

(Uh oh - watch out for Tux.)

10. The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller in the morning.

11. A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m.p.h.

(Kaaaa-chooo!)

12. The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early 1500's.

13. The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C.

14. A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee.

15. The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.

16. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

(Quack!)

17. The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.

18. In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones - Bhutan.

(One ringie dingie... Two ringie dingie... )

19. Every person has a unique tongue print.

20. Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does.

(Well, to air is human.)

21. Women's hearts beat faster than men's.

22. Pollsters say that 40 percent of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets.

23. Bubble gum contains rubber.

24. You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog.

(Is that before or after your bath?)

25. Only 55 percent of all Americans know that the sun is a star.

(Okaaaayyy, but in what movie was it the star?)

26. The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in Jello.

(to be continued...)
*****

Henry

*****

27. Even if you cut off a cockroach's head, it can live for several weeks.

28. Most American car horns honk in the key of F.

29. The world population of chickens is about equal to the number of people.

30. Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head.

31. In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the bills.

32. A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana.

33. About 70 percent of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money.

34. It's against the law to catch fish with your bare hands in Kansas.

35. Some toothpastes contain antifreeze.

36. Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.

37. Millie the White House dog earned more than 4 times as much as President Bush in 1991.

38. Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the Western Pacific.

39. There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones.

40. Most lipstick contains fish scales.

41. Lee Harvey Oswald's cadaver tag sold at an auction for $6,600 in 1992.

42. Mosquitoes have teeth.

43. Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray.

44. Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.

45. The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley.

46. When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food.

47. Most cows give more milk when they listen to music.

48. 27 percent of U.S. male college students believe life is "a meaningless existential hell."

49. In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die.

50. Aztec emperor Montezuma had a nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name meant "plenty of excrement."

51. Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark. (Hence, the light bulb?)

52. "Kemo Sabe" means "soggy shrub" in Navajo.

*****

Henry

On that #10? It can actually be as much as 1/2 inch difference between morning and evening measurements. In the Evening, the cartilage and other 'Softer' tissues in your joints have been compressed all day, making you shorter. In the morning, they have had the 'Pressure' off all night, so they have expanded.

*****
Newspapers are unable, seemingly, to discriminate between a bicycle accident and the collapse of civilization.

George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
*****
Last summer, a group of horrified European tourists entered the Wawona Ranger Station and said their car had been "blown up by terrorists" and that "powder residue from the explosive" was all over the back seat.

Inspecting rangers found that the "powder residue from the explosive" was actually flour from a box of pancake mix, and that bear paw prints were everywhere amid the powder.
*****
A woman from the Bay Area was hiking to the top of El Capitan on the popular North Rim Trail, a seven-mile hike, when she became lost, saw clouds forming and called 911 on her cellular phone and asked to be rescued. A helicopter rescue team found her barely off the trail and only about a quarter-mile from the top of El Capitan. Then when the helicopter lifted off with her - and she saw how close she was to the top - she asked the crew to land and let her back out. When the crew declined, she threatened to sue them for kidnapping.
*****
ANOTHER WOMAN hiker in Yosemite also called 911 with her cellular phone, this time from the top of Half Dome.

"Well, I'm at the top and I'm really tired," she told the 911 dispatcher.

"Do you feel sick?" she was asked.

"No, I'm just really tired and I want my friends to drive to the base and pick me up."

"You'll have to hike back down the trail for that," she was told by the dispatcher.

"But you don't understand. I'm really tired."

Then, according to a ranger, "Her phone battery luckily died."
*****
All sorts of crazy things can happen in the great outdoors. Once a visitor attempted to lure a squirrel close for a picture by dangling and rattling his car keys. The squirrel then darted out, grabbed the keys and ran down a hole with them.
*****
MY FAVORITE Yosemite story is about the backpacker who never saw any bears, because he kept sleeping right through their covert nightly visits. So one time, after rigging a bear-proof food hang from a tree limb, he put his sleeping bag directly under it, figuring he'd wake up for sure when the bears came prowling.

Nope. The camper went into deep sleep, that is, until he woke up with a shock - when a bear tried to reach for the hanging food bag, and stepped right on his chest, just about squishing him.
*****

Henry

*****
Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be aware of it.

Anonymous
*****
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
*****
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
*****
You have two choices in life You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
*****
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "How much for a season pass?"
*****
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex !!!
*****
I am thinking of putting the following on my answering machine:

"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
*****
......A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
*****

Henry

*****
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

H. G. Wells (1866-1946)
*****
How's your aging intelligence? Take the following test here and determine if you are losing it or are still "with it." The spaces are so you don't see the answers until you have made your own.... OK, relax, clear your mind and.... begin.
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1. What do you put in a toaster?
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The answer is "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread," go to Question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?
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Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as "Children's World." If you said, "water" then proceed to Question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?

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Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," what the heck are you still doing here reading these questions?? If you said "glass," then go on to Question 4.

4. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60 of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?
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Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree," you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.

5. Without using a calculator -- You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.

What was the name of the bus driver?
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Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember? It was YOU!
*****

Henry