quote:

PRICE GOUGING IN COLONIAL TIMES

William Penn, the famous statesman, had two elderly aunts who loved to bake pies.

The pies were very popular with the townspeople.

So the aunts decided to start selling them.

The pies sold so well that the women quickly became greedy.

So they started raising their prices.

Soon, everybody in town was talking about the pie-rates of Penn's aunts.

quote:

At a fabric store, a pretty girl spots a nice material for a dress and asks the male clerk: How much does it costs? “Only one kiss per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk. “That’s fine,” said the girl. I’ll take ten yards.” With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it out. The girl took the bag and pointed to the old man standing beside her, and smiled, “Grandpa will pay the bill.”

quote:

Say What

**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
Time Wounds All Heels.
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals--on Wheels
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
To expedite your visit, please back in.
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
We Repair What Your Husband Fixed
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
Don't sleep with a drip; Call your plumber!
**************************
On a Church's Bill board:
7 days without God makes one weak.
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
Invite us to your next blowout.
**************************
At a Towing company:
We don't charge an arm and a leg: We want tows.
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
Let Us Remove Your Shorts
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
Push. Push. Push!
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
We really know our stuff.
**************************
On a Fence:
Salesmen Welcome! Dog Food Is Expensive!
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment.
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
No appointment necessary; We hear you coming.
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
**************************
At the Electric Company
We will be de-lighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be.
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in
and get fed up.
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
Drive carefully! We'll wait...
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
Thank heaven for little grills.
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
Best place in town to take a leak
**********************
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
CAUTION - This Truck is Full of Political Promises

quote:

Have Fun Game

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Have Fun (but no peeking!). Let me know your score. Write your answers on a paper..........there are 20 questions........... Average score: 12

1. What builds strong bodies 12 ways?

A. Flintstones vitamins
B. The buttmaster
C. Spaghetti
D. Wonder Bread
E. Orange Juice
F. Milk
G. Cod Liver Oil

2. Before he was Muhammed Ali, he was...

A. Sugar Ray Robinson
B. Roy Orbison
C. Gene Autry
D. Rudolph Valentino
E. Fabian
F. Mickey Mantle
G. Cassius Clay

3. Pogo, the comic strip character said, 'We have met the enemy and...

A. It's you
B. He is us
C. It's the Grinch
D. He wasn't home
E. He's really mean
F. We quit
G. He surrendered

4. Good night, David.

A. Good night, Chet
B. Sleep well
C. Good Night, Irene
D. Good Night, Gracie
E. See you later, alligator
F. Until tomorrow
G. Good night, Steve

5. You'll wonder where the yellow went,

A. When you use Tide
B. When you lose your crayons
C. When you clean your tub
D. If you paint the room blue
E. If you buy a soft water tank
F. When you use Lady Clairol
G. When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent

6. Before he was the Skipper's Little Buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie's friend,

A. Stuart Whitman
B. Randolph Scott
C. Steve Reeves
D. Maynard G. Krebbs
E. Corky B. Dork
F. Dave the Whale
G. Zippy Zoo

7. Liar, liar...

A. You're a liar
B. Your nose is growing
C. Pants on fire
D. Join the choir
E. Jump up higher
F. On the wire
G. I'm telling Mom

8. Meanwhile, back in Metropolis, Superman fights a never ending battle for truth, justice and...

A. Wheaties
B. Lois Lane
C. TV ratin gs
D. World peace
E. Red tights
F. The American way
G. News headlines

9 . Hey, kids, what time is it?

A. It's time for Yogi Bear
B. It's time to do your homework
C. It's Howdy Doody Time
D. It's Time for Romper Room
E. It's bedtime
F. The Mighty Mouse Hour
G. Scoopy Doo Time

10. Lions and tigers and bears...

A. Yikes
B. Oh no
C. Gee whiz
D. I'm scared
E. Oh My
F. Help Help
H. Let's run

11. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone

A. Over 40
B. Wearing a uniform
C. Carrying a briefcase
D. Over 30
E. You don't know
F. Who says, 'Trust me'
G. Who eats tofu

12. NFL quarterback who appeared in a television commercial wearing women's stockings.

A. Troy Aikman
B. Kenny Stabler
C. Joe Namath
D. Roger Stauback
E. Joe Montana
F. Steve Young
G. John Elway

13. Brylcream...

A. Smear it on
B. You'll smell great
C. Tame that cowlick
D. Greaseball heaven
E. It's a dream
F. We're your team
G. A little dab'll do ya

14. I found my thrill...

A. In Blueberry muffins
B. With my man, Bill
C. Down at the mill
D. Over the windowsill
E. With thyme and dill
F. Too late to enjoy
G. On Blueberry Hill

15. Before Robin Williams, Peter Pan was played by

A. Clark Gable
B. Mary Martin
C. Doris Day
D. Errol Flynn
E. Sally Fields
F. Jim Carey
G. Jay Leno

16. Name the Beatles

A. John, Steve, George , Ringo
B. John, Paul, George , Roscoe
C. John, Paul, Stacey, Ringo
D. Jay, Paul, George , Ringo
E. Lewis, Peter, George , Ringo
F. Jason, Betty, Skipper, Hazel
G. John, Paul, George , Ringo

17. I wonder, wonder, who

A. Who ate the leftovers?
B. Who did the laundry?
C. Was it you?
D. Who wrote the book of love?
E. Who I am?
F. Passed the test?
G. Knocked on the door?

18. I'm strong to the finish

A. Cause I eats my broccoli
B. Cause I eats me spinach
C. Cause I lift weights
D. Cause I'm the hero
E. And don't you forget it
F. Cause Olive Oyl loves me
G. To outlast Bruto

19. When it's least expected, you're elected, you're the star today...

A. Smile, you're on Candid Camera
B. Smile, you're on Star Search
C. Smile, you won the lottery
D. Smile, we're watching you
E. Smile, the world sees you
F. Smile, you're a hit
G. Smile, you're on TV

20. What do M & M's do?

A. Make your tummy happy
B. Melt in your mouth, not in your pocket
C. Make you fat
D. Melt your heart
E. Make you popular
F. Melt in your mouth, not in your hand
G. Come in colors

.

Okay , now scroll down for the answers!

.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Here are the right answers:

1 D - Wonder Bread
2 G - Cassius Clay
3 B - He Is Us
4 A - Good night, Chet
5 G - When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent
6 D - Maynard G. Krebbs
7 C - Pants On Fire
8 F - The American Way
9 C - It's Howdy Doody Time
10 E - Oh My
11 D - Over 30
12 C - Joe Namath
13 G - A little dab'll do ya
14 G - On Blueberry Hill
15 B - Mary Martin
16 G - John, Paul, George , Ringo
17 D - Who wrote the book of Love
18 B - Cause I eats me spinach
19 A - Smile, you're on Candid Camera
20 F - Melt In Your Mouth Not In Your Hand

quote:

Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, 'Where did you get such a great bike?'
The second engineer replied, 'Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, 'Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, 'What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'
The doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!'
The priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'
He said, 'Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'
The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.' The group fell silent.
The priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'
The engineer said, 'Why can't they play at night?'
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
Understanding Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
Understanding Engineers - Take Five
The graduate with a science degree asks, 'Why does it work?'
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, 'How does it work?'
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, 'How much will it cost?'
The graduate with an arts degree asks, 'Do you want fries with that?'
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, 'It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.' Another said, 'No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.'
The last one said, 'No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?'
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

quote:

I went to buy

some camouflage trousers

the other day,

but I couldn't find any.

quote:

MY LIVING WILL

Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bugger

quote:

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns
Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeli ng increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

---------------------------------------------------

Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.
-Walter

quote:

INNOCENCE IS PRICELESS

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.'
'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this?'
The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.' Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, 'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?'

quote:

Dear friends,

I just read an article on the dangers of drinking....

Scared the poop out of me.
So that's it!

After today, no more reading

quote:

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.

He sat down next to a Congress Woman at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man

On a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The Congress Woman looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'

Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'

The Congress Woman replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.'

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'

Just as the Congress Woman placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a

Swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The Congress Woman was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying,

'Fair's fair.. Here's your money.'

Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news

And so I knew he would jump.'

The Congresswoman replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'

Bob took the money......

quote:

Judge: Haven’t I seen you before?

Man: Yes, Your Honor. I taught your daughter how to play the drums.

Judge: Twenty years!

Charles

quote:

is is an oldie...but, "the devil made me do it"!!!! Rolling Eyes

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.

But I'll tell you, the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"

quote:

KIDS!!!! Don'tcha just love 'em?????
A high school class was discussing the qualifications to be president Of the United States.

It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. However. one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president. The teacher and the class were just taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating...... "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by c-section?"

Found in the Breeze Courier newspaper, Taylorville, IL. Unknown author

I can't tell if this is a joke or what. But it made me laugh.

quote:

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,' replied the greeter. 'I just couldn't believe someone would sleep with you twice.

Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

quote:

Not a true Thanksgiving story, but...

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick.

She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey.

She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something,

she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, 'Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!'

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

quote:

It also shows that in most cases the quality of life for prisoners has improved considerably from what you might expect. And I always thought Prison was for Punishment!!!
Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this comparison list should make things a little bit clearer:

@ PRISON
You spend most of your time in a 10X10 cell

@ WORK
You spend most of your time in a 6X6 cubicle




@ PRISON
You get three fully paid for meals a day

@ WORK
You get a break for one meal, and you have to pay for it




@ PRISON
For good behavior, you get time off

@ WORK
For good behavior, you get more work




@ PRISON
The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you

@ WORK
You must carry a security card and open all the doors yourself





@ PRISON
You can watch TV and play games

@ WORK
You could get fired for watching TV and playing games




@ PRISON
You get your own toilet

@ WORK
You have to share the toilet with people who pee on the seat




@ PRISON
They allow your family and friends to visit

@ WORK
You aren't even supposed to speak to your family




@ PRISON
All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required on your part

@ WORK
You must pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners





@ PRISON
You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out

@ WORK
You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars






THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE.