*****
Money couldn't buy friends, but you get a better class of enemy.

Spike Milligan
*****
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"
The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."
*****
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
*****
Did ya heard the story about the mountain farmer who got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12 opened the door. "Is yer pa home?" the farmer asked.

"No sir he ain't," the boy replied. "He went to town."

"Well said the farmer, is yer ma here?"

"No, she ain't here either.She went to town with pa."

"How about your brother, Joe, is he here?"

"He went with ma and pa."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is thar sumpin I can do fer ya?", the boy inquired politely. "I knows where all the tools is, if ya wants to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer pa."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "I really wanted to talk to your pa. It's about your brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "Ya'd have to talk to pa bout that", he conceded. "But if it helps ya eny, I knows pa charges $50 fer the bull and $25 fer the boar hawg but I really don know how much he gets fer Joe."
*****

Henry

*****
Today's preliminary stock market report:

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.

Cows steered into a bull market.

Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom.

Diapers remain unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Coca Cola fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

.......and Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
*****

Henry

*****
INVESTORS DICTIONARY

Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

Bear Market - A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets no sex.

Momentum Investing - The fine art of buying high and selling low.

Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the Market keeps crashing.

Broker - Poorer than you were in 1999.

"Buy, Buy" - A flight attendant making market recommendations as you Step off the plane.

Standard & Poor - Your life in a nutshell.

Stock Analyst - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

Stock split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally Between themselves.

Financial Planner - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs To the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.

Market Correction - The day after you buy stocks.

Cash Flow - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the Toilet.

Call Option - Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before e-mail.

Day Trader - Someone who is disloyal from 9-5.

Cisco - Sidekick of Pancho.

Yahoo - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

Windows 2000 - What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo for $240 per share.

Institutional Investor - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nut house.

Profit - Religious guy who talks to God.

Bill Gates - Where God goes for a loan.

Alan Greenspan - God, yeah right.....

and...

Mezzanine financing--Shoplifting merchandise at the department store to sell on the street, so you can eat tonight.

Float--What you do after hurling yourself off a bridge.

Revolving finance--Using one credit card to pay off the minimum payment(s) on (an)other(s).

Capital--A safe building to sleep outside of, since they have a security patrol.
*****

Henry

*****
Douglas Adams Trinkets

"A common mistake people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools."

"Time, we know, is relative. You can travel light years through the stars and back, and if you do it at the speed of light then, when you return, you may have aged mere seconds while your twin brother or sister will have aged twenty, thirty, forty or however many years it is, depending on how far you traveled. This will come to you as a profound shock, particularly if you didn't know you had a twinbrother or sister."

"`In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were REAL men, women were REAL women, and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were REAL small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri.'"

"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."

"I don't believe it. Prove it to me and I still won't believe it."

"If human beings don't keep exercising their lips, he thought, their mouths probably seize up. After a few months consideration and observation he abandoned this theory in favor of a new one. If they don't keep on exercising their lips, he thought, their brains start working."

"There is a theory which states that if anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another which states that this has already happened."

"In the beginning, the universe was created. This has made alot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."

"You live and learn. At any rate, you live."

*****

Henry

*****
3 FISHERMEN WERE TIRED FROM FISHING ALL DAY SO THEY STOPPED AT A MOTEL AND ASKED FOR RATES. $30 DOLLARS FOR THE 3 OF THEM IN 1 ROOM. THE FISHERMEN AGREED AND GAVE THE CLERK $10 DOLLARS APIECE, THEN WENT RIGHT TO THEIR ROOM. A MOMENT LATER THE CLERK CAME IN AND TOLD THEM HE HAD OVER CHARGED THEM, THE TRUE COST BEING $25 DOLLARS. SINCE NO ONE HAD ANY CHANGE THE CLERK HANDED OVER 5, $1 DOLLAR BILLS. NOT KNOWING JUST HOW TO SPLIT IT UP, EACH FISHERMAN TOOK 1 BILL AND THEY GAVE THE CLERK $2 DOLLARS. SINCE EACH FISHERMAN ORIGONALLY GAVE $10 DOLLARS AND NOW RECEIVED ONE BACK, MEANT THAT EACH GAVE $9 DOLLARS. 3 TIMES 9 IS $27 DOLLARS PLUS TWO FOR THE CLERK, MADE $29 DOLLARS. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE MISSING ONE DOLLAR????
*****

Henry

*****
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?

The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
**********
Top Ten Changes to Cable Television Resulting from AOL Acquiring Time Warner...

10. When you turn on your television, you'll hear "You've got Pay Per View".
9. There will be a mysterious 19 hour period where your cable just won't work.
8. Test Patterns: Television's equivalent to a busy signal.
7. Every once in a while you have to have your cable reinstalled.
6. 100 Free Trial Hours of Cable Access which you can't cancel, no matter how hard you try.
5. CIA: Cable Instant Alerter. Now all your friends will know when you are watching television.
4. Childproof features on cable will prevent you from receiving programs from undesirable sources, including ones you really do want to receive.
3. The cable repairman tells you to turn your TV off and back on again when you report your cable is on the fritz.... again.
2. Relatives in neighboring towns make fun of you because you don't have a "real" cable company like they do.
1. "You've been watching TV too long. Your connection has been terminated."
*****

Henry

*****
It is said: Money is the root of all evil and man must have roots.*

*****
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.

"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

*****
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.

*****

Henry

*****
A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.'

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.'

The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read... 'MAIN ENTRANCE'
--------
A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleading.

"I would do anything to pass this exam."

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.

"I mean..." she whispers,"I would do...**anything**!!!"

He returns her gaze. "Anything???"

"Yes... Anything!!!"

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you study???"
-------------
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings which were on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."
--------------
Seen on a church sign: "If you love Jesus, tithe. Anyone can honk."
~~~~
My mother couldn't get me to slow down; the police couldn't get me to slow down; but $2-a-gallon gas is getting my attention.
********
Men can't be dogs because dogs are loyal.
*
If money could talk, it would just say "goodbye".
*
Q. What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?
A. The ones in the casinos are really serious!
~~~~
Judge: Do I understand that you're trying to show contempt for this court?

Lawyer: No your honor. I am trying to hide it.

*****

Henry

*****
Subject: Fw: Ideas

"To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world."

"Going to church does not make you a Christian anymore than going to McDonald's makes you a hamburger."

"Real friends are those who, when you feel you've made a fool of yourself, don't feel you've done a permanent job."

"A coincidence is when God performs a miracle, and decides to remain anonymous."

"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side."

"I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.

"Lead your life so you won't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip."

"People gather bundles of sticks to build bridges they never cross."

"Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it."

"Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep."

"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself."

"There are two things I've learned: There is a God. And, I'm not Him."

"Following the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men crooked."

*****

Henry

*****
Nature has many laws that hold fast and true.

For example, a baby ape will always grow-up to be an ape; likewise, a baby baboon will become an adult baboon.

A baby pig will mature into a full grown pig.

A baby jackass will always become a jackass.

Yet oddly enough, women say a young man may grow-up to be any one of these.

----------
Don't forget to exercise...

1) My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where she is.

2) The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

3) I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

4) I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

5) I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

6) I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

7) I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

8) The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

9) If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

10) Don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of the glass.

***************
A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said. "Go home and show her you're the boss."

The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went home, slammed the door, pointed his finger in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes.

"Tonight I am going out with the boys," he continued. "You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?"

"I certainly do," said his wife calmly. "The undertaker."

*****

Henry

*****
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He was a wise man who invented beer. --Plato
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine Zandonella
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank
her. --W.C. Fields
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry

*************
When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The woman beside him peered over his shoulder, then reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

********
"What are you getting your husband for his birthday?"

"A new stove."

"I thought he wanted a set of golf clubs."

"He did."

"Then why are you getting him a stove?"

"Because the golf clubs didn't match the refrigerator he got me for my birthday."

*****

Henry

*****
A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home.

As he is about to tee-off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried about the old man slowing him down against an already tight schedule, the young man knows it is proper golf manners to allow this...and says, please join him to the stranger.

To his surprise, the old man plays quickly. He doesn't hit the ball very far, but it goes straight. Furthermore, the old man moves along pretty good and without wasting
any time is always ready to hit the ball when his turn comes.

When they reach the ninth fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. A large pine tree sits directly in front of him and in the path he his ball must travel to hit on the green.

After several minutes pondering how to hit the shot and what club to use, the old man says..."You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree with my 6 iron!"

With the challenge before him, the young man swings hard, hits the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around and land with a thud a the foot of the tree, only a few feet from where it had started.

"Of course," said the old man, "when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall!"

********
Two rules for life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.

**************
Most of the shadows of this life are caused by standing on one's own sunshine."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
===============
"Faith is not belief without proof, but trust without reservations." - Elton Trueblood
*************
"Joe," a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, "do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?"

"Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like I really don't like think
like that's really important, y'know, like because I'm y'know, like I don't get anything
out of it."

"Oh, English class." replied the smiling teacher.

*****

Henry

*****
Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "Called in Sick yesterday!"

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. "Wow," he said. "Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"

*********
A young blonde girl goes to the doctor for a physical. The doctor puts his stethoscope up to the girl's chest and says, "Big breaths."

The girl replies, "Yeth and I'm not even thixteen."

**********
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball."

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, you don't stand a chance of hitting her from here."

********
A city in Alaska passed a law outlawing all dogs.
It became known as Dogless Fairbanks.

*********
Archaeologist: a person whose career lies in ruins.

*****

Henry

*****
Q: What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France?
A: Linoleum blownapart.

**********
Q: What's the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber?
A: One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman.

******
In ancient Rome, deli workers were told that they could eat anything they wanted during the lunch hour. Anything, that is except the smoked salmon. Thus were created the world's first anti-lox breaks.

******
A ship carrying a cargo of red paint collided with a ship carrying a cargo of purple paint.
Both crews were marooned.

******
Why did the Zen master refuse Novocain when he had his tooth pulled? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

**************
Did you hear about the two men from the monastery who opened a fast-food seafood restaurant? One was the fish friar, the other was the chip monk.

***********
A scientist cloned himself but the experiment created a duplicate who used very foul language. As the clone cursed and swore, the scientist finally pushed it out the window, and it fell to its death. Later the scientist was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.

***********
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

*********
A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says, "Why?! I'm a fun guy!"

*******
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."

*********
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a huge fancy chrome plate. He asks the waiter, "What's with the fancy plate?"
The waiter replies, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

*********
Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side. So... the one flies over and the other one swims through -- which one gets to the worm first? The one who swam, of course, because "Da oily boid gets da woim."

*****

Henry

Who ever said the Creator doesn't have a sense of humor?

Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten. He did all this, checking his progress in the car frequently, then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten.

But as he moved a little further forward, the rope broke. The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"

She replied, "You won't believe this," and told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it."
(You can see where this is heading.)

She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her."

*****

Henry

"Friendship consists of only one soul; inhabiting two bodies."
- Aristotle

"My best friend is the man who in wishing me well wishes it for my sake."
- Aristotle

"Real friendship is shown in times of trouble; prosperity is full of friends."
- Euripides

"There's something beautiful about finding one's innermost thoughts in another."
- Oliver Schreiner
~~~~
Being a hero is about the shortest-lived profession on earth.
--Will Rogers
~~~~
Unlikely Greeting Card:

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder...

What the heck was I thinking?"
~~~~
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

~~~~
A motorist driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer. "Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now."
~~~~
A Sunday School teacher asked her class, "Does anyone here know what we mean by sins of omission?"

One of the girls replied "Aren't those the sins that we should have committed, but didn't?"
*********
A wife hands her husband a silk handkerchief and asks him: "Doesn't this belong to your secretary?"

"Where did you find that?" he stutters.

"I didn't," she answers.
"The mail man found it on your night-stand."
***********

Henry

Why A Dog Is Better Than A Cat

1. Dog will tilt his head and try to understand every word you say. Cat will ignore you and take a nap.
2. Cat looks silly on a leash.
3. When you come into the Laugh Lounge office, Dog will be happy and lick your face. Cat will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.
4. Dog will give you unconditional love until the day he dies. Cat will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.
5. Dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cat doesn't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.
6. Dog will bring you your slippers. Cat will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.
7. When you take them for a ride, Dog will sit on the seat next to you. Cat has to have their own private basket, or she won't go at all.
8. Dog will come when you call him. And he'll be happy. Cat will have someone take a message and get back to you, maybe.
9. Dog will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing Cat will lay with all day long is small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they're in pain.
10. Dog will wake you up if the office is on fire. Cat will quietly sneak out the back door.
***********
A wild-eyed man dressed in a Napoleonic costume and hiding his right hand inside his coat entered the psychiatrist's office and nervously exclaimed, "Doctor, I need your help right away."

"I can see that," retorted the doctor. "Lie down on that couch and tell me your problem."

"I don't have any problem," the man snapped. "In fact, as Emperor of France I have everything I could possibly want: money, women, power - everything! But I'm afraid my wife, Josephine, is in deep mental trouble."

"I see," said the psychiatrist, humoring his distraught patient. "And what seems to be her main problem?"

"For some strange reason," answered the unhappy man, "she thinks she's Mrs. Schwartz."
*********
Jack came into the clubhouse one Sunday afternoon sporting a big black eye. "What happened to you?" asked one of his friends.

"Have you noticed that beautiful young woman who just joined the club?" Jack asked.

"Sure," said his friend. "Who hasn't?"

"I happened to be standing by the first tee when she came over and took the cover off her clubs."

"So?" said his friend.

"I told her it looked like she had a really nice set."

*********

Henry

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Stock up and save. Limit: one.

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3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

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Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

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Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

******

Henry

Subject: Your daily moment of Zen
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

15. Don't squat with your spurs on.

16. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

17. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.

18. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

19. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

20. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

21. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

22. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

23. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
************
My Parents had not been out together in quite some time. One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked.

Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!"

They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of it that Dad confessed. His question had actually been directed to the family dog, lying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.
*********
Nice threads, man," commented Donald when his buddy showed up one day in a snappy new suit. "Where'd you pick 'em up?"

Richard beamed. "My old lady got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?"

"I'll say. What was the occasion?"

"Got me," admitted Richard with a cheerful shrug. "I came home from work early the other day and there they were, hanging over the chair in the bedroom."

*********

Henry

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.

"This is the KLOPMAN diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."

"What's the curse?" the man asked.

"Mr. Klopman."
********
A woman who plays cards one night a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke up her husband when she came home around 11:30.

One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.

"Darn woman!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"
*********
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was:

"Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit?
Hey, Eve...we've got forbidden fruit!!

"No way!"

"Yes way!"

"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" said God (wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants). A few minutes later God saw his kids having an apple break, and was angry.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" the First Parent asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"

"I dunno" Eve answered.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is reassurance in this story: If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle - Take two and keep away from children.

********

Henry

"It takes a lot of practice for a girl to kiss like a beginner."
- Anonymous (Ladies Home Journal)

"You have to kiss an awful lot of frogs before you find a prince."
- Graffito
********
If they had computers in 1776:

Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen, the summer grows hot, and it is essential that we complete this declaration of independence.

Mr. Franklin: Wait a minute, Thomas. I have to reboot here.

Mr. Jefferson: That's all right, Ben. We'll go on without you. Has everyone had a chance to look at the draft I posted yesterday?

Mr. Sherman: Not yet, Thomas, I've been having Notes replication problems.

Mr. Adams: Here, Roger, I brought a hard copy

Mr. Sherman: Thanks, Saaaaay, nice font.

Mr. Adams: Do you like it? I downloaded it off Colonies Online just last week

Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen! There is work to be done. I fear our document will soon leak out.

Mr. Livingston: Too late, Thomas. There's already a bootleg circulating. I saw it posted on alt.georgeIII.sucks last night.

Mr. Adams: Ben, you might try upgrading to Windows 75. It solved that problem for me.

Mr. Sherman: Thomas, the part here about the Acts of Pretended Legislation; have you considered using bullets to air out the text?

Mr. Jefferson: I can fix that easily enough.
Drat! I've spilled candle wax on my keyboard again.

Mr. Adams: You know, Thomas, that wouldn't happen if you'd buy an active-matrix screen.

Mr. Franklin: Hard-disk failure?!? Aw, criminy

Mr. Livingston: Are you sure it's "unalienable rights"? My spell checker recommends "unassailable".

Mr. Jefferson: Can we stick to the substance of the document, please? Shoot. Low battery. Anyone got a spare power cable?

Mr. Sherman: What have you got, a Toshiba? No, mine isn't compatible.

Mr. Franklin: Hello, PCs Philadelphia? What does it mean when the floppy drive buzzes?
OK, I'll hold.....

Mr. Livingston: The "In Congress" part here at the top; have you thought about blowing that up really big and maybe centering it in 72 point Helvetica?

Mr. Jefferson: Not a bad idea. Aw, nuts! Word macro virus! I can't save the file.

Mr. Franklin: That's all right, Thomas. We can manage. Here, borrow my quill pen....

***********

Henry

Do you want to know if you suffer from "Alertness Deficit Disorder" (ADD)? Then just take this simple quiz. These questions will help us to determine whether or not you suffer from this terrible affliction; the only known cure for which is caffeine.
ADD takes the lives of millions of Americans, hundreds of Canadians, and a handful of Ugandans every year. If that doesn't scare you, let's just say that you are more susceptible than anyone else. YES, YOU! If you suffer from this disease, missing just one trip to Starbucks could be FATAL. The following series of Yes/No questions will allow us to determine your Addiction Factor(TM). Keep track of the number of Yes and No answers you get and chart yourself at the end.
Remember: Prevention is the best medicine. Or was it laughter? Either way, read on.

1. Do you use coffee to escape from your problems?

2. Do you eat spoonfuls of instant coffee because it's easier?

3. Have you ever woken up in a puddle of your own coffee?

4. Do you find that it's easier to drink more coffee than go to sleep?

5. a) Have you ever drunk cold coffee?
b) Right out of the pot?

6. Do you spend more than 20% of your income on coffee and/or coffee related products?

7. Does your coffee cup resemble a beer stein?

8. Has anyone ever told you that you "have a problem"?

9. Do you need coffee:
a) ...to get up in the morning?
b) ...to get out of bed?
c) ...to be injected intravenously to stimulate blood-flow?

10. Do you own a "Coffee Helmet"? (For the culturally ignorant, a coffee-helmet is a hat with coffee-cups attached to it and a straw coming out of each cup leading to the mouth, used for hands-free drinking.)

11. Do Native North American Aboriginal Indian Peoples call you "Ona mac towanda" (Smells-like- coffee)?

12. Does your doctor measure your heartbeat on the Richter scale as well as by its frequency?

13. Have you ever sold personal or other people's possessions just to get your fix for the day?

14. Does the phrase "Swiss water decaffeinated" strike terror into your heart?

15. a) Do you have a coffee maker in more than one room of your house?
b) ...in more than five?
c) ...in your bathroom?

16. a) Do the people at Second Cup refuse do give you free coffee cards anymore?
b) ...because you're wearing out their hole-punch?
c) ...and it's bad for the environment?

17. Do you grind your own coffee?

18. Do you grow your own coffee?

19. Have you ever been fired from a job because you're "drinking their profits"?

20. a) Do you know Juan Valdez?
b) ...and his donkey?
c) ...intimately?

21. Do you salivate uncontrollably whenever you hear dripping water?

22. a) Is sleep a hobby of yours?
b) ...that you don't like?
c) ...because it's too frustrating?
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Henry

Q: What is the definition of an engineer?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.

Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.

Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.

Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?
A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.

You might be an engineer if...
choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or upgrading your RAM is a moral dilemma.

You take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room

...in college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.

The sales people at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions

At an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling.

You bought your wife a new CD-ROM drive for her birthday

...You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.

You can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting.

You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.

You sit backwards on the Disneyland rides to see how they do the special effects.

You have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.

You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.

You know what <http:// stands for.

You look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids' toys together.

You see a good design and still have to change it.

You spent more on buying your calculator than you did on buying your wedding ring.

You still own a slide rule and know how to use it.

You think that people yawning around you are sleep deprived.

You window shop at Radio Shack

Your laptop computer costs more than your car.

Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.

You've already calculated how much you make per second.

You've tried to repair a $5 radio.

********

Henry

"The Book of Genesis"

In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

God said, "Let there be light" and there was light. And God said," Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.

And the devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created He them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

And the devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game.

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And the devil created McDonald's.

And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the devil said to Man: "You want fries with that?"

And Man said: "Super size them." And Man gained five pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And the devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained five pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And the devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And the devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And the devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And the devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And the devil saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And the Devil created HMO's.

Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.

And the devil created lite beer so Man could poison his body with alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another 10 pounds.

And God created the life-giving tofu. And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked Man: "Do I look fat?"

And the devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did. And Woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor. And Woman put aside the seeds of the earth and took unto herself comfort food.

And God brought forth Weight-Watchers. It didn't help.

And God created exercise machines with easy payments. And Man brought forth his Visa at 21 percent. And the
exercise machine went to dwell in the closet of Nod, east of the polyester leisure suit.

And in the fullness of time, Woman received the exercise machine from Man in the property settlement. It didn't help her, either.
*********

Henry

A man steps up for a tee shot with a row of trees and out of bounds on the right side. He slices it wildly and it heads off in the direction of the trees. He reloads and forgets about the ball. About 15 minutes later a highway patrolman approaches him.

"This your ball?" asks the policeman.

"Yes, I think it is."

"Well," says the officer, "it went over the trees and through the window of a house. It hit a cat and the cat ran out the front door. A school bus was driving by at the time and the driver, while trying to miss the cat, hit a tree. The bus exploded in flames, and there were no survivors."

"Gee, I'm sorry." said the golfer. "Is there anything I can do?"

The policeman replied, "Well, you might try keeping your left arm a little straighter and start your downswing with your hips."
................
They stood at the altar, waiting to be married. The bride to be looked down and saw a set of golf clubs beside her new husband's feet.

"What on earth are you doing with those golf clubs?" she whispered. "Well," he said, "this won't take all afternoon will it?"
.................
Hacker: This is my first time playing golf. When do I use my putter?

Caddy: Some time before dark, I hope.
......................
It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Joe was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker - "Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please back up to the men's tee, please!"

Joe was still deep in his routine, attempting to ignore the announcer. Again the announcement - "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up the men's tee!"

Joe had enough. He shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"
*************
Armored knights raised their visors to identify themselves when they rode past their king. This custom has become the modern military salute.

The "huddle" in football was formed due a deaf football player who used sign language to communicate and his team didn't want the opposition to see the signals he used and in turn huddled around him.

If you are locked in a completely sealed room, you will die of carbon dioxide poisoning first before you will die of oxygen deprivation.

Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of linen.

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse hasall four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

**************

Henry