INSTALLING LOVE

Customer: I'm not very technical, but I think I am ready to install now. What do I do first?

CS Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART ma'am?

Customer: Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?

CS Rep: What programs are running ma'am?

Customer: Let me see....I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.

CS Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma'am?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

CS Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, I'm done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?

CS Rep: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?

Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?

CS Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEART's in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops...I have an error message already. What should I do?

CS Rep: What does the message say?

Customer: It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM WILL NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS". What does that mean?

CS Rep: Don't worry ma'am, that's a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in non-technical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before it can "LOVE" others.

Customer: So what should I do?

CS Rep: Can you find the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?

Customer: Yes, I have it.

CS Rep: Excellent, you are getting good at this.

Customer: Thank you.

CS Rep: You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the MYHEART" directory: FORGIVESELF.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT, REALIZEWORTH.TXT, and GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART!

CS Rep: Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go...

Customer: Yes?

CS Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and they will return some really neat modules back to you.

Customer: I will. Thank you for your help.

********

Henry

Tips For Getting The Most From Your I.T. Department

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 300 screen saver passwords.

4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

6. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

7. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

8. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

9. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

10. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.

11. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.

12. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

13. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

14. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

15. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

16. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

17. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "my thingee blew up".

18. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

19. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.

20. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.

21. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?

22. When you find an I.T. person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have any money to speak of anyway.

23. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.

24. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call I.T. support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.

25. When you can't find someone in the phone directory, call I.T.

******

Henry

JEWISH COOKING BY MARTHA STEWART

Latkes
A pancake-like structure not to be confused with anything the House of Pancakes would put out. In a latka, the oil is in the pancake. It is made with potatoes, onions, eggs and matzo meal. Latkas can be eaten with apple sauce but NEVER with maple syrup. There is a rumor that in the time of the Maccabees they lit a latka by mistake and it burned for eight days. What is certain is you will have heart burn for the same amount of time.

Matzoh
The Egyptians' revenge for leaving slavery. It consists of a simple mix of flour and water-no eggs or flavor at all. When made well, it could actually taste like cardboard. Its redeeming value is that it does fill you up and stays with you for a long time. However, it is recommended that you eat a few prunes soon after.

Kasha Varnishkes
One of the little-known delicacies which is even more difficult to pronounce than to cook. It has nothing to do with Varnish, but is basically a mixture of buckwheat and bow-tie macaroni [noodles]. Why a bow-tie? Many sages discussed this and agreed that some Jewish mother decided that "You can't come to the table without a tie" or, G-d forbid "An elbow on my table?"

Blintzes
Not to be confused with the German war machine. Can you imagine the N.J. Post 1939 headlines:"Germans drop tons of cheese and blueberry blintzes over Poland - shortage of sour cream expected." Basically this is the Jewish answer to crepe Suzette.

Kishka
You know from Haggis? Well, this ain't it. In the old days they would take an intestine and stuff it. Today we use parchment paper or plastic. And what do you stuff it with? Carrots, celery, onions, flour and spices. But the trick is not to cook it alone but to add it to the cholent [see below] and let it cook for 24 hours until there is no chance whatsoever that there is any nutritional value left.

Kreplach
It sounds worse than it tastes. There is a Rabbinical debate on its origins: One Rabbi claims it began when a fortune cookie fell into his chicken soup. The other claims it started in an Italian restaurant. Either way it can be soft, hard or soggy and the amount of meat inside depends on whether it is your mother or your mother-in-law who cooked it.

Cholent
This combination of noxious gases had been the secret weapon of Jews for centuries. The unique combination of beans, barley, potatoes, and bones or meat is meant to stick to your ribs and anything else it comes into contact with. At a fancy Mexican restaurant [kosher, of course] I once heard this comment from a youngster who had just had his first taste of Mexican fried beans: "What! Do they serve leftover cholent here too?!" My wife once tried something unusual for guests: She made cholent burgers for Sunday night supper. The guests never came back.

Gefilte Fish
A few years ago, I had problems with my filter in my fish pond and a few of them got rather stuck and mangled. My son [5 years old] looked at them and commented "Is that why we call it 'Ge Filtered Fish'?" Originally, it was a carp stuffed with a minced fish and vegetable mixture. Today it usually comprises of small fish balls eaten with horse radish ["chrain"] which is judged on its relative strength in bringing tears to your eyes at 100 paces.

Bagels
How can we finish without the quintessential Jewish Food, the bagel? Like most foods, there are legends surrounding the bagel, although I don't know any. There have been persistent rumors that the inventors of the bagel were the Norwegians who couldn't get anyone to buy smoked lox. Think about it: Can you picture yourself eating lox on white bread? Rye? A cracker? Naaa. They looked for something hard and almost indigestible which could take the spread of cream cheese and which doesn't take up too much room on the plate. And why the hole? The truth is that many philosophers believe the hole is the essence and the dough is only there for emphasis. Personally, I think this is a cheap imitation of the Pennsylvania Dutch soft pretzel, minus the coarse salt.

******

Henry

FAQ for the Pregnant Couple

Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.

Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
A. Then the jig is up.

Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.

Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.

Q. Since I became pregnant, My breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.

Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what you're doing with them.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. Cause you're fatter then they are.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question, moron?

Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.

Q. Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?
A. When the sex is between your husband and another woman.

Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
A. Authorized personnel only -- doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.

Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.

Q. What is the grasp reflex?
A. The reaction of new fathers when they see a new mother's breasts.

Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.

Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q. What causes baby blues?
A. Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.

Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.

Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Henry

There was a Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jack, who was very interested in making a pound where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time.

Eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest churches. Jack put in a painting bid and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and ... yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine.

Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn.

Now, Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke,
"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
*************
The accused strode to the front of the courtroom and said to the judge, "Your honor, I wish to plead guilty."

"Why didn't you do so at the beginning of the trial?" the judge demanded.

"Because," he replied, "I thought I was innocent but at that time I hadn't heard all the evidence against me."
*************

Henry

quote:

"Because," he replied, "I thought I was innocent but at that time I hadn't heard all the evidence against me."

Hmmm... Ya reckon he would qualify for 'Worlds Dumbest Criminals'? Or maybe just a Darwin Award? lol...

These are supposed to by factual calls! I don't doubt it.

Tech: "What seems to be the problem?"
Customer: "I seem to be having problems running my Landscape Navigator."
Customer: "I got your starter pack in the mail and it's NO DAMN GOOD!"
Tech: "What seems to be the problem?"
Customer: "You gave me the CD and the manual, but you DIDN'T GIVE A MODEM!!!"
~~~~~
Customer: "What I want is one of those email programs from the movie 'You've Got Mail'. The kind that doesn't need to be logged into the Internet to check for mail."
~~~~~
Customer: "I'm not receiving any email."
Tech: "What's your email address?"
Customer: "I don't have one."
Tech: "You don't have one? Did you install the starter kit?"
Customer: "Did I need to?"
~~~~~
Tech: "Welcome to tech support, can I help you?"
Customer: "You sounded much nicer the last time we spoke."
Tech: "Pardon me?"
Customer: "Last week when I called. You sorted out my friend's computer and I thought you had a lovely voice."
Tech: "Uhhh, are you sure it was me?"
Customer: "Yes, definitely you."
Tech: "Well, uhhh, what can I help you with?"
Customer: "Well, I'm gay and I'm feeling lonely . . . "
~~~~~
To the question, "What version of Windows are you running?"

"Windows 97."
"Windows 99."
"Windows Express."
"Windows 85 -- uhh, why are you laughing?"
"I'm not running Windows. I'm running Office 97."
"How would I know? You're the technician."
"The Microsoft version."
~~~~~
Tech: "Okay, your new password is 'password1', all lower case."
Customer: "Is that 1 in lower case, too?"
~~~~~
Tech: (Has just spent ten minutes explaining the ins and outs of web-hosting, domain names, secure site transactions, and other setup information for a business account.)
Customer: "Hmmm. Does this mean I need a computer?"
~~~~~
Tech: "What process do you go through to get connected?"
Customer: (completely serious) I pray to God and He connects me.

***********
The Wall Street type wanted to be proud of his family roots. After getting past the more recent trailer dwellers, he discovered some ancestors that had come to America on the Mayflower. The line had included Senators and Wall Street wizards. Now he decided to compile a family history, a legacy for the children. He hired a fine author.

Only one problem arose ---- how to handle that great-uncle who was executed in the electric chair. The guy said he could handle that chapter of history factually.

The book appeared. It said that "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties and ... his death came as a real shock."

***********

Henry

Re "Hmmm... Ya reckon he would qualify for 'Worlds Dumbest Criminals'? Or maybe just a Darwin Award? lol..."

Dumb, yes. But Darwin award? Only if it was a capital crime.

Henry

"The Athiest and The Shark"

One day, an athiest was swimming in the ocean. He looks around him, and is seized with panic when he sees a shark swimming toward him. Frantically, he swims toward his boat.

He turns to see the jaws of the mammoth beast open to display rows of razor sharp teeth in all their horrific splendor.
The athiest screams, "Oh, God! Save Me!"

In an instant, time is frozen, and a bright light shines down from up above.
The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "YOU ARE AN ATHIEST. WHY DO YOU CALL UPON ME WHEN YOU DO NOT BELIEVE IN ME?"

The athiest, confused, but knowing he can't lie replied, "Well, that's true. I don't believe in you. But, what about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"

The Lord replies, "AS YOU WISH." and the light retracted back into the heavens, and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.

As the man looks back, he can see the gigantic jaws of the shark close down upon him ... then, all of a sudden, the shark stops, and moves away.

The athiest feels the joy of relief, and lets out a sigh. God had kept His word...

The man turns, about to swim away, when he is shocked to see the shark close it's eyes, bow his head and say, "Bless this food, oh Lord, which I am about to receive..."

******

Henry

Sayings that should be on buttons...

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
3. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
5. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
6. Do I look like a freakin' people person?
7. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
8. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
9. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
10. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
11. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
12. You! Off my planet!
13. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
14. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
(Add to this: "Visualize getting a job!")
15. Bottomless pit of needs & wants.
16. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
17. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
18. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
19. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
20. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
22. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
23. God was my co-pilot, but we crashed into the mountains and I had to eat him.
27. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
28. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
29. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
30. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
32. Allow me to introduce my selves.
33. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
34. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
35. Better living through denial.
36. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
37. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
38. Adult child of alien invaders.
39. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
40. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
41. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
42. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
43. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

Henry

44. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
45. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
47. After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?
48. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
49. Back off! You're standing in my aura.
50. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
51. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
52. Adults are just kids who owe money.
54. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
56. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
57. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.
58. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
59. You say I'm a ***** like it's a bad thing.
60. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
61. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnScrew you!
62. Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
63. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
64. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
65. Too may freaks, not enough circuses.
66. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
67. A woman's favorite position is CEO.
68. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
70. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
71. Earth is full. Go home.
72. Is it time for your medication or mine?
75. I plead contemporary insanity.
76. And which dwarf are you?
77. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
78. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
79. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
80. It ain't the size, it's...no, it's the size.
81. Meandering to a different drummer.
82. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
83. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Henry

Subject: Clueless

HOW DO THESE PEOPLE SURVIVE?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 20 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets", said the teenager at the counter. "You
don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twenty," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right."
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me "Do you know how much this is?" and I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today". She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries it's a long walk.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister". I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

IDIOTS AT WORK... Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

IDIOTS & COMPUTERS... My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE... I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Henry

Miscellaneous Material from the Internet Surfing of Steve Ingle, LMSC, and brought home by Dame Kay's husband:
DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N?Q)
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
2 = 2 = 5 for extrememly large value of 2.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
<--------- The information went data way ------------>
Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression.
Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal Port Not Responding
The name is Baud......... James Baud.
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
Access denied -- nah nah na nah nah!
C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
Bad Command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay...
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename"?
As a computer, I find your faith in technology pathetically amusing.
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.
E PLURIBUS MODEM
... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny.
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
An error? Impossible! My modem is error-correcting.
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted. Re-boot Washington D.C. (Y/N?)
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Do witches use a spell checker?
A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
11th Commandment -- Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
24 hours in a day -- 24 beers in a case -- coincidence?
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
SENILE.COM found . . . Out of Memory . . .
Who is General Failure and hy is he reading my disk?
Utlimate office automation: networked coffee.
RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
Shell to DOS ... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS ...
All computers wait at the same speed.
Press <CTRL><ALT><DEL> to continue . . .
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue . . .
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue . . .
ASCII stupid question, get stupid ANSII.
E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
Help! I'm modeming -- and I can't hang up!
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981.
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS.
Press any key -- no,no,no, NOT THAT ONE!
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit . . .
Sped up my XT; ran it on 200v! Works greO?_*"
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
Read my chips: No new upgrades!
Hit any user to continue.
2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!
I hit the CTRL key. How come I'm still not in control?
Does the Information Highway have any rest stops?
Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup

******

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes...

Two air is human; too really screw things up ewe needs a computer...

I'm away from my desk - send an e-mail if the network goes down...

******

Henry

Excerpted from an online BB:

Management has determined that there is no longer any need for network or software applications support. (See below) The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by December 31, 1999.

Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many sound reasons for doing this:

1. No Y2K problems
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done
3. No more wasted time reading and writing e-mails
4. No expensive upgrades
5. Drastically reduced technical support costs

Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
P: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for re booting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.

*******

Henry

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong

365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling

Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon

1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower

Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line.
(think about it for a moment)

453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake

1 million microphones: 1 megaphone

1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles

2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds
(work on it....)

10 cards: 1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton

1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks: 1 literhosen

1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche

1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin

10 rations: 1 decoration

100 rations: 1 C-ration

2 monograms: 1 diagram

8 nickels: 2 paradigms

3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League

100 Senators: Not 1 decision

******

Henry

* Entropy Isn't What It Used To Be.
* Everybody Looks Brave Holding A Machine Gun.
* Everyone Has A Photographic Memory. Some Don't Have Film
* Everyone Is Entitled To My Opinion.
* Everything Is Possible; Just Not Too Probable.
* Everything Is Unimportant In Some Way.
* Fact Of Life: A Woman Has The Last Word In Any Argument. Anything A Man Says After That Is The Beginning Of A New Argument.
* Few Women Admit Their Age; Few Men Act It.
* Fight Crime, Shoot Back
* Fun Is Just Point Of View.
* Good Girls Go To Heaven, Bad Girls Go Everywhere.
* Good Health Is Merely The Slowest Possible Rate At Which One Can Die.
* Gravity Is A Myth, The Earth Sucks.
* Guns Don't Kill People, They Just Make It Easier
* Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-In-Law's Face On The Back Of A Milk Carton.
* Honesty Is The Best Policy, But Insanity Is A Better Defense.
* I Am Not A Vegetarian Because I Love Animals;
I Am A Vegetarian Because I Hate Plants.
* I Feel Like I'm Diagonally Parked In A Parallel Universe.
* I Hope You Sit On The Tack Of Success And Rise Rapidly.
* I May Be Fat But You're Ugly, And I Can Lose Weight.
* I'd Rather Be Over The Hill Than Under It.
* If At First You Do Succeed, Try Not To Look Too Astonished.
* If At First You Don't Succeed, Destroy All Evidence That You Tried.
* If At First You Don't Succeed, Redefine Success.
* If Everything Is Coming Your Way, Then You're In The Wrong Lane.
* If It's Too Loud, You're Too Old.
* If Money Can't Buy Happiness, I Guess You'll Just Have To Rent It.
* If Ours Is A Man Made World, Why Can't We Remake It?
* If Swimming Is So Good For Your Figure, How Do You Explain Whales?
* If There Is A Tourist Season, Why Can't We Shoot Them
* If There Were No Such Thing As Bears, What Kind Of Hugs Would We Give?

******

Henry

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways.

In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully, they attended parochial schools from kindergarten through their senior year in high school.

They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and upon graduation became priests. Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio was just a cut above Timothy in all respects. Meteorically, Tim and Tony rose through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop, and finally Cardinal. The Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be either Timothy or Antonio who would become the next Holy Father.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen. The world -- Catholic, Protestant and secular -- was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!

Antonio was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"

After a long silence, one old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered Antonio and rose to reply, "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called ...'Pope Secola'."

********

Henry

When you THINK you have a bad day, remember this one from a young mother.."I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. "Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards.

Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically and suggesting I take a closer look Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera!"
********
When Stalin completed 25 years of his rule over Russia, he wanted a special postage stamp issued, with his picture on it.

He so instructed the Postmaster General, stressing that it should be of international quality.

The stamps were duly released of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and become furious.

He called the chief of the Secret Service and ordered him to investigate the matter.

The chief checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported on the problem to Stalin.

He said:"Sir, the stamp is really of international quality. The problem is, our citizens are spitting on the wrong side!"
*******
A sergeant was passing the barracks after lights out, when he heard some voices from inside. He slammed open the door, and shouted: Listen, you guys! A few minutes ago, you all heard me say good night. What you must realize, is that when I say "Good Night," what I really mean is "Shut the f**k up!!!"

The room instantly fell silent. But after a few seconds, a small voice could be heard from somewhere in the far back of the dark room:

"Good Night, Sergeant"
*******

Henry

In the beginning, God created the bit. And the bit was a zero; nothing.

On the first day, He toggled the 0 to 1, and the Universe was. (In those days, bootstrap loaders were simple, and "active low" signals didn't yet exist.)

On the second day, God's boss wanted a demo, and tried to read the bit. This being volatile memory, the bit reverted to a 0. And the universe wasn't. God learned the importance of backups and memory refresh, and spent the rest of the day ( and his first all-nighter ) reconstructing the universe.

On the third day, the bit cried "Oh, Lord! If you exist, give me a sign!" And God created rev 2.0 of the bit, even better than the original prototype. Those in Universe Marketing immediately realized the "new and improved" wouldn't do justice to such a grand and glorious creation. And so it was dubbed the Most Significant Bit, or the Sign bit. Many bits followed, but only one was so honored.

On the fourth day, God created a simple ALU with 'add' and 'logical shift' instructions. And the original bit discovered that by performing a single shift instruction, it could become the Most Significant Bit. And God realized the importance of computer security.

On the fifth day, God created the first mid-life kicker, rev 2.0 of the ALU, with wonderful features, and said "Screw that add and shift stuff. Go forth and multiply." And God saw that it was good.

On the sixth day, God got a bit overconfident, and invented pipelines, register hazards, optimizing compilers, crosstalk, restartable instructions, microinterrupts, race conditions, and propagation delays. Historians have used this to convincingly argue that the sixth day must have been a Monday.

On the seventh day, an engineering change introduced Windows into the Universe, and it hasn't worked right since.

*******

Henry

All I need to know about life I learned from Star Trek

Seek out new life and new civilizations.

Non-interference is the Prime Directive.

Keep your phaser set on stun.

Humans are highly illogical.

There's no such thing as a Vulcan death grip.

Live Long and prosper.

Having is not so pleasing a thing as wanting; it is not logical but it is often true.

Infinite diversity in infinite combinations (IDIC).

Tribbles hate Klingons (and Klingons hate Tribbles).

Enemies are often invisible - like Romulans, they can be cloaked.

Don't put all your ranking officers in one shuttlecraft.

When your logic fails, trust a hunch.

Insufficient data does not compute.

If it can't be fixed, just ask Scotty.

Even in our own worlds, sometimes we are aliens.

When going out into the Universe, remember, "Boldly go where no one has gone before!"

******

Henry

How To Tell if You're a Geek:

You tend to save power cords from broken appliances.

You once took the back off your TV just to see what's inside.

A teacher ever wrote, "I don't fully understand it, but it looks like an 'A'" on your paper.

You've used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.

You rotate your screen savers more often than your automobile tires.

Your IQ is a higher number than your weight.

Your toddler asks why the sky is blue, and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.

You ran the sound system at your senior prom.

Your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone.

You can type seventy words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.

You know what "http" stands for.

You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.

You still own a slide rule, and you know how to work it.

You can name six "Star Trek" episodes.

You have a functioning home copier/scanner/fax machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

You have a habit of destroying things to see how they work.

People groan at the party when you pick out the music.

You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.

You thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers.

You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.

You spend half a plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your kid in the overhead compartment.

You've tried to repair a $5 radio

Your laptop computer costs more than your car.

Your four basic food groups are caffeine, fat, sugar, and chocolate.

*****

Henry

John Mills, a high-ranking British officer stationed in France during World War II, had his staff serve him mushroom omelets every morning. This was referred to as:

General Mills Breakfast of Champignons
*********
My personal trainer wants me to workout hard on my stomach muscles. He calls these exercises stomach crunches, sit ups, twists, and stretches; but I call them abominables.
*********
The harpist got the lucrative booking BY PULLING STRINGS.

For its new animals, the zoo had to pay A BEASTLY SUM.

To increase business, the dry cleaners introduced A NEW WRINKLE
*********
When the spiders put on a production of "Pirates of Penzance," the arachnid audience went wild as they started to sing,"When the foeman bares his steel, tarantula, tarantula."
********
"I won't let a flat tire get me down," Tom said, without despair.
*****
CASTANET: What they did to fill the role of Frankie Avalon's movie girl friend.
*****
Computer Meanings:

SERIAL PORT: (1) Breakfast wine
(2) Where boats load grain
******

Henry

Medical Definition:

COPULATION: The number of policemen in the area.

DIAGNOSTIC: A couple who didn't know if there is a God.

DIAGNOSTIC: Someone who didn't believe in the Roman hunting goddess.

NINTENDINITIS: Digital joint pain caused by playing too many video games.
**********
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, the minister asked for a show of hands from those who read Mark 17. Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
********
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

********

Henry

AN ANNOTATED THERMOMETER (degrees Fahrenheit)

+50
~ New York tenants turn on the heat
~ Minnesotans plant gardens

+40
~ Californians shiver uncontrollably
~ Minnesotans sunbathe

+35
~ Italian cars don't start

+32
~ Distilled water freezes

+30
~ You can see your breath
~ You plan a vacation in Florida
~ Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
~ Minnesotans eat ice cream

+25
~ Boston water freezes
~ Californians weep pitiably
~ Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you

+20
~ Cleveland water freezes
~ San Franciscans start thinking favorably of LA
~ Green Bay Packers fans put on T-shirts

+15
~ You plan a vacation in CANCUN!!!!!
~ Minnesotans go swimming

+10
~ Too cold to snow
~ You need jumper cables to get the car going

0
~ New York landlords turn on the heat

-5
~ You can hear your breath
~ You plan a vacation to Hawaii

-10
~ American cars don't start
~ Too cold to skate

-15
~ You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
~ Miamians cease to exist
~ Minnesotans lick flagpoles

-20
~ Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you
~ People in LaCrosse think about taking down screens

-25
~ Too cold to kiss
~ You need jumper cables to get the driver going
~ Japanese cars don't start
~ Minnesota Twins head for spring training

-30
~ You plan a two-week hot bath
~ Minnesotans shovel snow off roof

-38
~ Mercury freezes
~ Too cold to think
~ Minnesotans button top button

-40
~ Californians disappear
~ Car insists on sleeping in your bed with you
~ Minnesotans put on sweaters

-50
~ Congressional hot air freezes
~ Alaskans close the bathroom window
~ Green Bay Packers practice indoors

-60
~ Walruses abandon Aleutians
~ Minnesotans put gloves away, take out mittens
~ Boy Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby

-70
~ Minneapolis residents replace diving boards with hockey nets
~ Ridgeway snowmobilers organize trans-river race to Buffalo, WI

-80
~ Polar bears abandon Baffin Island
~ Girl Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby

-90
~ Lawyers chase ambulances for no more than 10 miles
~ Wisconsinites migrate to Minnesota thinking it MUST be warmer

-100
~ Santa Claus abandons North Pole
~ Minnesotans pull down earflaps

-173
~ Ethyl alcohol freezes

-445
~ Superconductivity

-452
~ Helium becomes a liquid

-454
~ Hell freezes over

-456
~ Illinois drivers drop below 85 MPH on I-90

-458
~ Incumbent politician renounces a campaign contribution

-460 (Absolute Zero)
~ All atomic motion ceases
~ Minnesotans agree as to how it's getting a "mite nippy"

*******

The sixties were a time of hope, a time of rebellion and a time for planning new ways to do things. They planned new ways that they hoped would not be worse than what was being done at the time.

In contrast to most of the other movements of the time, one very active group combined militant vegetarianism (not so common) with militant prohibitionism (very uncommon). They believed, in fact, that the first would automatically lead to perfect health. Eat only vegetables, love one another, and the desire and drive to consume Demon Rum would just pass away.

They believed that: "Peas would rule the planets and love would clear the bars.

It was the dawning of the age of asparagus."

*******

Henry

THINGS WE ALL SHOULD KNOW...(and most of us don't!)

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three martinis.
2. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
3. Any and all compliments can be handled by simply saying, "Thank you," although it helps if you say it with a SOUTHERN accent.
4. No books will be as good as the ones you loved as a child.
5. Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the orchestra, some are on stage singing, some are in the audience as critics, and some are there to applaud. Know who and where you are.
6. When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste.
7. Never continue dating anyone whom is rude to the waiter.
8. Good sex should involve laughter. Because it's, you know, funny!
9. A person needs only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
10. If you tell a lie, don't believe it deceives only the other person.
11. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right".
12. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately! It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
13. The only really good advice that I remember my mother ever gave me was "Go! You might meet somebody!"
14. Never ride a motorcycle when you're drunk.
15. If your date says that you are too good for him or her; believe it.
16. I've learned to pick my battles. I ask myself:
Will this matter one year from now?
How about one month?
One week?
One day?
17. The shortest line is always the longest.
18. At hard times I ask myself,
"How do I feel?
"What do I want?"
I use it whenever I'm at loss for words or thoughts.
19. Never pass up an opportunity to use the bathroom.
20. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
21. If you move far from your family when you're young, consider choosing a career with an airline. Your need to see your family will last a lifetime, as will your travel benefits.
22. Living well really is the best revenge.
23. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just proves that the other person was right about you.
24. Be really nice to your friends because you never know when you are going to need them to empty your bed urinal and hold your hand.
25. Work is good but it's not important!
26. Never underestimate the kindness of your fellow man.
27. And finally, being happy doesn't necessarily mean everything's perfect. It just means you've decided to look beyond all of the imperfections.

******

Henry