*****

(Serious groaner)

Brewster the Rooster
My Uncle John was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
My uncle kept records, and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the stew pot and was replaced.
Now this took an awful lot of time. So my uncle got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Now he could sit and fill out an efficiency report by listening to the sound of the bells.
My uncle's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was but his bell had not rung all morning. Uncle John went to investigate. Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing.
Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up to a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Uncle John was so proud, he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation. The judges awarded Brewster two prizes,

1) The No Bell Prize

and

2) The Pullet Surprise.

*****

Henry

Foreplay: Ménage à quatre
Instigator; Reconstitutible alligator
Mutate: Stop talking
Retinue: At this moment
Reverie: Umpire
Salvation: The best treatment for a rash

What did the egg in the monastery say?
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"Out of the frying-pan, into the friar."

Golf: The one four-letter word least uttered during a round of it.

(BC)

Adam blamed Eve.
Eve blamed the snake.
And the snake didn't have a leg to stand on.

Henry

Ambidextrin: A complex carbohydrate, derived from starch, that is sticky only half the time.

quote:

Klingon Fairy Tales

BY MIKE RICHARDSON-BRYAN

- - - -

"Goldilocks Dies With Honor at the Hands of the Three Bears"

"Snow White and the Six Dwarves She Killed With Her Bare Hands and the Seventh Dwarf She Let Get Away as a Warning to Others"

"There Was an Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe With a Big Spike on It"

"The Three Little Pigs Build an Improvised Explosive Device and Deal With That Damned Wolf Once and for All"

"Jack and the Giant Settle Their Differences With Flaming Knives"

"Old Mother Hubbard, Lacking the Means to Support Herself With Honor, Sets Her Disruptor on Self-Destruct and Waits for the Inevitable"

"Mary Had a Little Lamb. It Was Delicious"

"Little Red Riding Hood Strays Into the Neutral Zone and Is Never Heard From Again, Although There Are Rumors ... Awful, Awful Rumors"

"Hansel and Gretel Offend Vlad the Impaler"

"The Hare Foolishly Lowers His Guard and Is Devastated by the Tortoise, Whose Prowess in Battle Attracts Many Desirable Mates"

Henry

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

This "funny commercial" video had me laughing for a long time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S5micYdWMrw

Why does a witch ride a broom?

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The Vacuum cleaner's power is cord is too short.

------------

What do you call a witch's garage?

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A broom closet.

-------------

How do you keep a monster from biting his nails?

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Give him screws.

--------------

How can you tell a vampire likes baseball?

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Every night he turns into a bat.

--------------

Why didn't the ghost dance at the party?

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He had no body to dance with.

---------------

How do you mend a broken Jack-o-lantern?

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With a pumpkin patch

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What's the ratio of a pumpkin's circumference to its diameter?

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Pumpkin Pi

---------------

What happened to the guy who didn't pay his exorcist?

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He was repossessed

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Why don't angry witches ride their brooms?

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They're afraid of flying off the handle

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Henry

Three men married women from different states.

The first man married a woman from Nebraska. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Kansas. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Massachusetts. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, and dinner cooked. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

     A burglar entered a home through a second story window and was groping for a wall switch when he heard "Jesus is watching you! Shaken, he used a penlight to locate the source and found a parrot. This ensued:
     Burglar: Did you say that?
     Parrot: Yes.
     Burglar: What's your name?
     Parrot: Moses.
     Burglar: What kind of people would call a parrot Moses?
     Parrot: The same kind that would name a pit bull Jesus.

Seán

*****
What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney?
Santa Claus-trophbia

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
Sandy Claws

The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus
He is Santa Claus

Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it soots him

What can Santa give away and still keep?
A cold

Why do giraffes get Christmas gifts every year?
They are so good that they'll stick their necks out for anyone

Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log

What do elves learn in school?
The Elf-abet!

What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish

Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him

What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!

*****
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to... what)?

*****
Q: What do Christmas and a crab on the beach have in common?
A: They both involve sandy claws.

*****
For Christmas I bought my brother a combination fax machine and paper shredder. Either we hooked it up wrong or a lot of people are faxing him confetti.

*****

Henry

Q: How do you describe an elderly ingrate?
A: He is a fossil osshole.

*****
THE IRS LETTER ...

Dear Sirs and/or Mesdames:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 2002 Federal Tax return.

Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil and expensive

It's only fair, since they are minors and not my responsibility, that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction.

This year they're yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Just ask her. I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school.

Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem?

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!).

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked on Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying!

It's quite obvious that we are terrible parents (ask the other two) so they've helped raise this child to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under eighteen can understand the curious lingo she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the odd/reggae/yuppie/ political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I'll still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free!

If you take the two oldest then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager.

If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy.

Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.

Sincerely,
Father of One

*****

Bustard: Vulture of indeterminate paternity.

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.

One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.'

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'

Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'

'Who is it', asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'

'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.

'Rose! Where are you?'

'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.

'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'

'You're pitching Tuesday.'

Sound Familiar?

I CAME IN AT 2 WITH A 10

I WOKE UP AT 10 WITH A 2

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

Henry

George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see From the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available." George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello,I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them both,".....and then he hung up.

Within three minutes, six Police Cars , a SWAT Team,a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George , "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Don't mess with old people.

*****
ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED FROM NOAH'S ARK

1. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

2. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.

3. Don't listen to critics -- do what has to be done.

4. Build on high ground.

5. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

6. Two heads are better than one.

7. Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails.

8. If you can't fight or flee -- float-

9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.

10. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.

11. When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there and complain -- shovel-

12. Stay below deck during the storm.

13. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.

14. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.

15. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.

16. Don't miss the boat.

17. No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the other side.

*****
Re 1 - where's the weather channel when ya need it?
Re 5 - or if pears aren't available, try apples instead. Or maybe figs.
Re 6 - with 6 people and lots of critters, it might take way more than 2 heads if several need to go at one time! (They did have indoor plumbing, right? If not, then make sure not to kick the bucket.)
Re 7 - not to mention slugs.
Re 7 - yeah, if speed was needed, they should have built a clipper ship, rather than a box with cabins inside. (Hey, remember from history that some guy named Magellan circumsized the world with one of those clippers!)
Re 11 - it's getting really deep out there! Never mind out there - it's quite deep in here, too!
Re 15 - Yeah, ya wouldn't want a holy boat, would ya?

Henry

*****
OVERHEARD ON NOAH'S ARK

12. "I gotta pee."

11. "Did anyone think about bringing a couple of umbrellas?"

10. "Hey, there are more that two flies in here!"

9. "I finally get a bass boat and now I have to take the whole family..."

8. "Wasn't someone supposed to put two shovels on board?"

7. "Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants--QUICK!"

6. "OK, who's the wise-guy who brought the mosquitoes on board?"

5. "Don't make me pull this Ark over and come back there!"

4. "No, Ham, you cannot eat the pig!"

3. "And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out."

2. "Nice doggie!"

1. "Are we there yet?"

*****

Re 12 - good thing they had two heads for this project, huh?
Re 11 - to go with the shovels and boots?
Re 10 - where'd I put that swatter?
Re 9 - I dunno - they seem to be kind of floundering.
Re 8 - with the umbrellas?
Re 7 - where'd we put those shovels? And boots?
Re 6 - where'd I put that swatter?
Re 5 - or do you wanna be assigned elephant duty?
Re 4 - or else we won't be able to bring home the bacon!
Re 3 - unless there's an elephant on hand to sit on it, anyway.
Re 2 - WOOF!
Re 1 - where'd I put that swatter?

Henry

*****
"We have to hire a new choreographer, since with that injury the current one is incapacitated."

"Can't we just drive to Capacitated and get her?"

"One of these days I've got to get that girl a dictionary."

*****

Henry

Why Do Rabbits Have More Fun?

Because there are more rabbits.

Why are there more rabbits?

Because rabbits have more fun.