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A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.

Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"

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PARAPROSDOKIANS: (Winston Churchill loved them.)



Here is the definition: "A figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."
"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.



1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.


14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.


16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.


22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.



26. Where there's a will, there's relatives.

(Source: Unattributed email)

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The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.

Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.

After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

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Six-year old Angie, and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church.

Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud.

Finally, his big sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

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: Entertainment Jokes

Carl asked, "Got anything to cure fleas on a dog?"
"That depends," the slow-minded vet replied.
"What's wrong with them?"

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Marriage Jokes

The frugal man walked into the house panting and almost completely exhausted.
"What happened, Honey?" asked his wife.
"It's a great new idea I have," he gasped. "I ran all the way home behind the bus and saved 50 cents."
"That wasn't to smart," replied his wife. "Why didn't you run behind a taxi and save five dollars?"

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I Pulled into the crowded parking lot at the shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my puppy had fresh air. She was stretched full out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?"

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This one is kind of a sine of going off on a tangent!

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Three Indian squaws were talking around the fire one evening about the thing that made their brave husbands so proud, the number of sons they had.

Squaw number one says "I sat on deer hide and gave my man 2 beautiful sons".

Squaw number two says "I sat on a buffalo hide and gave my husband 3 strong boys".

The third squaw beamed when she said "I sat on a Hippopotamus hide and we now have 5 little sons".

So, what does this all prove? Scroll down....

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Are you ready for this?

Well........................

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It proves that the squaw of the Hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other 2 hides.

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Henry

CAROLINA GHOST STORY

This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the low country of South Carolina, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunder storm.

Time passed slowly and no cars went by.

It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.

Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain.

It slowly crept toward him and stopped. Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door, only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel.

The car slowly started moving and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running.

The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life.

He was sure the ghost car would go off the road and in the marsh and he would surely drown.

When just before the curve, a hand appeared thru the driver's window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve.

Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience.

A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth and not just some drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other. "Look Bubba, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we was pushin it in the rain."

Charles

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BOO!

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Troubleshooting

An Indiana farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called -- and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Charles

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THE OUTHOUSE

Once there was a little boy that lived in the country.

They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."

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One Liners Jokes

"How long will be the next bus be, Officer?"

"About eight yards, sir."

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Animal Jokes

This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!" The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"

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Henry

Rocket Science

Too funny not to share! Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist!

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.

Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back- rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo,

"Defrost the chicken." (True story)

THE BAPTIST CHURCH DINNER!

A group of friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others. She decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, "No mushrooms. They are too high."

He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed."

She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."

He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK." So Janet decided to give it a try.. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played '42' and dominoes. About then, the helper lady came in and whispered in Janet's ear.

She said, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot is dead."

Janet went into hysterics.

After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quickly as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.."

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.

The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now," and he left. They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and whispered to Janet, "You know, that fellow that run over Ol' Spot never even stopped.

Erma Bombeck:

"The grass is always greener over the septic tank."

"If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead."

"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."

"Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth."

"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."

"My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint."

"Always keep several get well cards on the mantle so if unexpected guests arrive, you can say you've been sick and unable to clean."

"All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them."

"I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars."

"Guilt is the gift that keeps on giving."

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"Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen? Three. It takes one to say, "What light?" and two more to say, "I didn't turn it on."

"Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart."

"I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order."

"Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other."

"I do not participate in any sport that has ambulances at the bottom of the hill."

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Henry

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Q: What did one strawberry say to another strawberry?

A: If you weren't so fresh, we wouldn't be in this jam!!

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Eschew obfuscation!

Eliminate unnecessary superfluous redundancies!

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Police Jokes

A rookie was calling up his station on his pocket radio.
"I'm outside the Plaza Mall," he reported. "A man has been robbed I've got one of them."
"Which one?" asked the operator.
"The one that was robbed."

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* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
(And child proof!)

* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
(And other wild critters, too!)

* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
(Yeah, plowing through a stump could leave you... stumped!)

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
(That's the buzz, all right.)

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
(Depends on how much wax is in there, though.)

Henry

* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
(Yeah, it takes practice!)

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
(Absotively!)

* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
(Especially if it's a honey badger!)

* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
(They don't weigh much, huh?)

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
(At least not without a Delorean with a flux capacitor!)

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* Every path has a few puddles.
(These boots are made for walking?)

* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
(OINK!)

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
(But who wants to be a role model?)

* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
(What about Murphy's law?)

* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
(Or their relatives by them!)

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* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
(No comment!)

* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
(On the other hand, a clear conscious is a sign of a bad memory!)

* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
(Or in other words, if it ain't broke, don't fix it!)

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
(That's a precipitous thought!)

* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
(Except while playing golf?)

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Henry

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on; neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well," said the husband, "I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."