*****

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people talking when you're busy interrupting.

Mark Twain (1835-1910)

*****

FUNNY (and real) SIGNS
+++++++++++++++++
On a plumbing company's van:
"A flush beats a full house!"

A sign at a little restaurant:
"Eat here or we'll both starve"

In a hospital car park in Kitakyushu, Japan:
"Anyone found parking without a permit will be given an injection."

Ohio road sign:
Prosperity 30 mi ->
<- Clinton 70 mi

In the bathroom of a mom and pop store:
"We aim to please, so, please, you aim too."

Sign on a retail store door:

PUSH,
if it doesn't open, PULL,
if it still doesn't open,
WE ARE CLOSED.

On a plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

Another pizza shop slogan:
"Buy our pizza. We knead the dough."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

Door of a plastic surgeon's office:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a dry cleaners:
"How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot.
Would that be satisfactory?"

At a towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On a maternity room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

In a podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a house's fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the electric company:
"We would be de-lighted if you pay your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a propane filling station:
"Tank heaven for little grills."

*****

Henry

*****
The young do not know enough to be prudent, and therefore they attempt the impossible, and achieve it, generation after generation.

Pearl S. Buck
*****
FROM: YS OPERATIONS
SUBJECT: Restroom Use Policy

In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective immediately, a Restroom Trip Policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of all employees.

Under the policy a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given twenty Restroom Trip Credits. These credits may be accumulated.

Within four to six weeks, the entrance doors to all restrooms are being equipped with personal identification stations and computer-linked voice print recognition devices. Before the end of the month each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to the Human Resources Department. The voice print recognition station will be operational but not restrictive during the entire month. Employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during that period.

If the employee's Restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the restrooms will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the next month. In addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with timed paper roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty-seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract into the wall, the toilet will flush, and the stall door will open. If the stall remains occupied, your picture will be taken.

The picture will then be posted on the bulletin board located in the Employee Relations Office. Anyone's picture showing up three times will immediately be terminated. If you have any questions about this policy, please ask your supervisor. They have all received advanced instructions.
*****
A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.

"Have you any last requests?" asked the chaplain.

"Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"
*****

Henry

*****

There are no signposts in the sky to show a man has passed that way before. There are no channels marked. The flier breaks each second into new uncharted seas.

Anne Morrow Lindbergh

*****

GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS FOR A PASTOR

Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river.
Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.

Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed 31-30.

Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it.
Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.

Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do.
Bad News: The choir mutinied.

Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons.
Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the "The Osbournes," "Survivor" and "Texas Chain Saw Massacre."

Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.
Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage.

Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.
Bad News: You were on vacation.

Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church.
Bad News: He has been appointed the District Supervisor of your denomination's region.

Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit.
Bad News: It's in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to "decorate" your house.

*****

Henry

*****
There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots, the other, wings.

Hodding Carter
*****
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
*****
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
*****
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
*****

Henry

*****

RE: Learning from Children

Unfortunately the author of this is unknown but you kind of get a feeling about him/her, where and how s/he lives as you read the lessons life has taught to him/her.

Things I've learned from my children (honest and no kidding):

There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

A 4 years old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.

It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'Uh-oh,' it's already too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Chlorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock, even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes, it does not leak -- it explodes.

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.

Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old Duplos will not.

'Play Dough' and 'microwave' should never be used in the same sentence.

SuperGlue is forever.

McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.

Ditto Tarzan.

No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jello.

VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

Plastic toys do not like ovens.

The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

It will, however, make cats dizzy.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Quiet does not necessarily mean 'don't worry'.

A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).

*****

Henry

----------------------

TOP 20 SAYINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE ON THOSE OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS

1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

7. Plagiarism saves time.

8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.

9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

10. TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.

12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

13. We waste time, so you don't have to.

14. Hang in there, retirement is only fifty years away!

15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

19. Succeed in spite of management.

20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

----------------------

Henry

*****
1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10) Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research.
11) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
13) Nyquil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
14) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
15) God must love stupid people, he made so many.
16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
17) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
18) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
19) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
20) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
21) MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
22) Beer - The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon!
23) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work with Buttheads!
24) Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam (seen on Cape Cod)
25) Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
26) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up.
27) Procrastinate Now.
28) Rehab Is for Quitters.
29) My Dog Can Lick Anyone.
30) I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?
31) Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit.
32) Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been doing since 15.
35) FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
36) MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT.
37) A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
38) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
39) STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
40) DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music.
41) They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
42) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
43) Time's fun when you're having flies ... Kermit the Frog.
44) POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN ... Cops have nothing to go on.
46) HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH.
47) A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand times the memory.
48) The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.
49) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
50) HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
51) WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years.
52) The trouble with life is there's no background music.
53) Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt, but it's the only way to live life completely.

*****

Henry

***

Corporate lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who was that ?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me ?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in advance with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

***

Corporate Lesson 2

A sales representative, an administration clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof ! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life beside me." Poof ! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

***

Henry

***
Subject: Getting Married In Heaven!

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple suffered A fatal car accident. Later, sitting outside Heaven's gate waiting on St. Peter to do the paperwork, they asked if they could possibly get married in Heaven.

St. Peter said, "This is the first time anyone has ever asked. Come on in, have a seat and Let me go find out."

The couple sat for a couple of months and began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wondered. "Are we stuck together forever?"

Peter returned after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes", he informed the couple. "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great," said the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

Peter slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"Sheesh!" St. Peter exclaimed, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer?"

***

A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner.

The attorney asks,
"Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"

The coroner says, "No."

The attorney then asks,
"Did you listen for a heart beat?" "No."

"Did you check for breathing?" "No."

"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"

The coroner, now tired of the brow beating says,
"Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practising law somewhere."

***

Henry

*****
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all.

Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'oh ****," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted."
*****

Henry

*****
Follow these steps to a full:

I will eat every meal at the table--not with one hand while I'm typing.

I will get dressed before dinnertime.

I will remember that I must clean the house, wash clothes, cook meals, and have a bath every once in a while.

I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate friends and family members that are web-deprived, and let them know I'm not dead or missing.

I will not send an email or visit a chat room (or message board) for at least 24 hours. If I can do that, I can make it!

I will not use smile icons or other internet abbreviations when I'm offline. I will read a "paper" book if I still can.

I will remember others' needs, and pry my nose off this monitor for at least an hour each evening before my beloved forgets I exist.

I will leave the house at least twice a week whether I have to or not.

I will remember that my bills must be paid even if I'm too busy to make payments because I'm on the Web.

Last, but not least, I will remember to sleep, knowing that the internet will be there tomorrow when I awake.

*****

I will not longer carry my laptop into the bathroom.

*****

Henry

*****
After reviewing the video tape of the a football game wherein his place kicker missed a real easy short kick with just seconds to go, which would have given them the winning margin an sent them to a bowl game, the coach told his kicker that after he graduated he should join the priesthood, as he was sure they would make him a cardinal immediately. �Why�, asked the kicker? �Well�, answered the coach, �other than the pope, you�re the only other one who has ever made 70,000 people rise to their feet and yell,.....�Jesus Christ!�

*****

Dear Ma and Pa;
Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they get warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs,bacon, etc..., but kind of weak on chops,potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get into this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter, Gail
P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 towards a new barn roof and ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.

*****

Henry

*****************************
ENJOY YOUR NEW MICROSOFT CAR!

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon".

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single, "This car has performed an Illegal Operation" warning light.

6. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.

7. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

8. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again, because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

9. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

*****************************

Henry

****

1. How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path.

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids

7. What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't Work?
A Stick.

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes: Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes: Dang! Whack.

22. How Are A Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

****

Henry

*****
Then there's the time Mom was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for the family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

*****
I just heard from Little Johnny's parents about the recent Thanksgiving dinner at their house. Little Johnny was asked what he was thankful for.

"I'm thankful I'm not a turkey."

*****
Seems this suburban guy left for work on Sept. 11 at about 6:00AM to go to his office on the 97 th floor in the WTC. When he got to Manhattan he went to his lover's apartment in the Village, turned his cell phone off, and thought of spending some good time with her.

At about 10:00AM, while still at her place, he turned his cell phone on, and a second later it rang. He answered, and it was his wife who screamed at him, "Where are you? I've been trying to call you for an hour. I've been worried sick about you!!!"

So he answered, "Where do you think I am? I'm in my office!!

*****
Jasper met his buddy, Eric, at a bar. Noticing Eric was better dressed than usual Jasper said, "Nice threads, man. Where'd you pick 'em up?"

"My old lady got them for me." said Eric. "Pretty sharp, huh?"

"I'll say. What was the occasion?" asked Jasper.

"Got me." replied Eric, "I came home from work early the other day and there they were, hanging over the chair in the bedroom."

*****
Looking at his portly patient, the doctor hands him a prescription and says, "Mr. Jones, you should make sure that you try to take these pills on an empty stomach...if such an opportunity ever presents itself!"

*****
There was an Indian chief who installed electric lights in the tribal latrine, thus becoming the first Indian to wire a head for a reservation.

*****
A closed mouth gathers no foot.

*****

Henry

*****

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....

True story... a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

*****

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait...

Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm...

Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.

An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg...

Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth.

*****

The elder priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "I know you were reaching out to the young people when you had bucket seats put in to replace the first four pews. It worked. We got the front of the church filled first."

The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "And, you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir that packed us to the balcony."

"So," asked the young priest, "what's the problem?"

"Well, said the elder priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.

"But Father", protests the young priest. "My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!

"I know, my son, but the flashing "Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell" neon sign really has to go."

*****

Henry

*****

Test Answers: In any school district, one must give credit to the creative minds among us. These are actual test answers given by kids of varying ages from different schools.

Q: Name the 4 seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.

Q: Explain 1 of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep, canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels, and you get intercontinental.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body (e. g, abdomen) categorized?
A: The body is consisted into three parts-the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the 5 bowels: A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be 8.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs

*****

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

*****

Henry

MECHANIC'S TOOL GUIDE - Ladies, here is your chance to *finally* find out.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your drink across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting doggy-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

Henry

*****

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards. NAIVE

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

OK...so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" The Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs" What does that make the Tennessee Titans ?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

*****

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

If Walmart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

*****

Henry

*****

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly: "How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

*****

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."

"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?

"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it'll be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."

*****

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

*****

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"

*****

Henry

*****

What are four hundred rabbits hopping backwards?

A receding hare line.

*****

~ A good pun is its own reword.

~ Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.

~ A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

~ A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

~ My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.

~ Dijon vu: The same mustard as before.

~ I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

~ A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

~ Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

~ I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

~ I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

*****

I used to work at a Goodyear service center but I found it tiring. I left there and went to Midas but now I come home exhausted. I think I'll open a gym and call it Waist Management.

*****

Henry

*****

People don't ask for facts in making up their minds. They would rather have one good, soul-satisfying emotion than a dozen facts.

Robert Keith Leavitt

*****

A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
A backwards poet writes inverse.
In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

*****

Eschew obfuscation!

*****

Henry

*****

I left Montreal heading toward Quebec city, when I decided to stop at a comfort station. The first stall was occupied, so I went into the second one. I was no sooner seated than I heard a voice from the next stall: "Hi, how are you doing?"

Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort stations, and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed: "Not bad."

And the stranger said: "And, what are you up to?"

Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to think this was too weird! So I said: "Well, just like you I'm driving east."

Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say, "Look, I'll call you back, there's some idiot in the next stall answering all the questions I am asking you.

*****

Did you know.....

1. Birds of a feather flock together and poop on your car.

2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

6. A penny saved is a government oversight.

7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

10. He who hesitates is probably right.

11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

14. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS

*****

Henry

*****
There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for.

Fred Hoyle

*****
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. " You don't want to try these techniques at home."

" Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.

" I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. " She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. "Hon," I suggested, "why don't you try carrying several things at once?"

The voice from the back asked, " Did it save time?"

The expert replied, " actually, yes. It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven. "

*****
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the prof picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk, and wrote on the board, "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, blue books were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute. Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. What did he write, they asked.

"What chair?"

*****
HOW TO CONFUSE PEOPLE IN THE COMPUTER LAB

Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "NO!!! They've found me!" and bolt.

Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.

Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with.

Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..."

Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your pants and say, "Oops, I forgot."

Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the floppy disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.

Assign a musical note to every key (i.e. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.

Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.

Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!" and then calmly sit down and begin to type.

*****

Henry

*****
One cool judgment is worth a thousand hasty counsels. The thing to do is to supply light and not heat.

Woodrow Wilson

*****
Sometimes I feel so inept. Like when there's a baseball player who's worth $250 million, and I can't remember his or her name.

Visa is everywhere you want to be, except out of debt.

It's better to be poor than to be rich. The rich always have to fear becoming poor, but the poor never have to fear becoming rich.

Nothing is impossible if you don't have to do it yourself.

How about a constitutional amendment that declares anything said in a campaign commercial to be under oath?

Could it be that the people who have nothing to say are the ones we should listen to?

You'll be happy to know that so far, the best name my spell checker has come up with is Calista Fartworth.

You never get tired if you rest a lot in advance.

Real courage is a willingness to attack raw oysters in public.

It's hard to relate to this high-tech world when your kid says her Lego Toys need more memory.

Every day in every way, I was getting worse and worse until I stopped trying to be myself.

Isn't it strange that a group of very intelligent individuals combined into a political party become collectively stupid?

I may not agree with what you have to say, but I shall defend to the death your right to shut up.

To feel good about yourself, is there a quota on how many other people each day you have to condemn?

Only in America would people pay $69.95 for a toaster-oven that automatically burns your frozen waffle.

My mind is now so crowded with valuable information that I can't think.

You know, you can really get wet playing games in that new Pentium-IV dishwasher.

If you recall childhood, you may remember that the kids who stuck straws and cigarettes up their noses back then seemed funnier than the ones who stick earrings in their noses today.

There's just something wonderful about a cold, clear winter morning that makes you want to slow down and take time to stop and smell some hot diesel exhaust.

One of the great mysteries of life is how a man can leave his car keys in the refrigerator.

I read the newspaper every day just to see if there's anyone I know in the obituaries or the underwear ads.

Okay, I have a million awesome clip art images. Now what?

Instead of building millionaires a new arena for their basketball team, why couldn't the city fill in a few potholes?

Does anyone know? If you voted for the winning congressional candidate, can you take all your campaign promises in one lump sum?

I encourage my children to read the newspaper, but they're holding out for a remote that turns the pages.

*****

Henry