Overheard by bartenders (1 of 2):
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
M: "Is this seat empty?"
W: "Yeah, and this one will be too if you sit down."
M: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
W: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
M: "Your place or mine?"
W: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
M: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
W: "It's in the phone book."
M: "But I don't know your name."
W: "That's in the phone book too."
M: "So, what do you do for a living?"
W: "I'm a female impersonator."
M: "What sign were you born under?"
W: "No Parking."
M: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
They say one good thing about dementia is you get to meet new people all the time.
Standing in the Way of Big Goverment is Not Standing in the Way of Progress
Politicians Aren’t Causing Anti-Muslim Hostility — Jihadists Are (Stacey Dash)
Proud To Be Defending President Trump
Overheard by bartenders (2 of 2):
M: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
M: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."
W: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
M: "I know how to please a woman."
W: "Then please leave me alone."
M: "I want to give myself to you."
W: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
M: "I can tell that you want me."
W: "Oooohh. You are sooo right. I want you to leave."
M: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy."
W: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
M: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
W: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
M: "Your body is like a temple."
W: "Sorry, there are no services today."
M: "I'd go through anything for you."
W: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
M: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
W: "Yes, but would you stay there?"
A superstition is a premature explanation that overstays its time.
It's an ill wind that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
Celibacy is not hereditary.
I rely on my personality for birth control.
Drama is life with the dull bits cut out.
Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.
Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.
Make sure you have finished speaking before your audience has finished listening.
Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.
A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.
The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple.
Science is nothing but trained and organized common sense.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
That seemed true when Isaac Newton ruled the roost but does it now that we have black holes, dark matter and quantum physics?
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Then why are ALL of grandma's hairs white?"
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."
Good question! Now if there are no more questions...
Anyway, those things are based on measurements of stuff, and don't fit with the rules of thumb that we get from observations made without much equipment, so even there the common sense conclusion is that different rules are needed to account for those things.
They Walk Among Us??
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore This one was from Kingman, KS.
IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip Back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office no less.
IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!
Beware They Walk Among Us . AND REPRODUCE!!!
HOME GROWN IDIOT.
I have been popping corn in my microwave for years by placing the package correct side up and heating it on "High" until popping stopped and the paper began to smoke. The operation required close attention because the line between perfection and disaster is quite thin.
Yesterday I noticed a green button at the top of the microwave controls that says "POPCORN". I tried using that and, after the corn popped nicely, the machine beeped and turned itself off. Duh.
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
Never cut what you can untie. [Or, don't tie it too tight to start with]
Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting. [If some percent of people suffer from insanity, do the rest enjoy it?]
The world is my lobster. [The see food diet?]
It's kind of fun to do the impossible. [Right, Mr. Wright?]
Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity. [Yep!]
Golf is a good walk spoiled. [Esp. if you have to carry a spare pair of pants, just in case of a hole in one...]
I only drink to make other people seem interesting. [Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder?]
Put more trust in nobility of character than in an oath. [Well I swear!]
If a pessimist is always right, is he a realist? [Maybe it depends on how much is in the glass?]
What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth. [The closed mouth gathers no foot?]
Why do we say "falling down"? After all, "falling up" is not an option.
Except for balloons filled with helium, hydrogen, or hot air!
Balloons don't fall upward; what they do is float. It's OK to say balloons float up to distinguish them from objects like rafts that only float on surfaces. Falling is a different matter; falling is always down.
The way to fall in different directions is throw yourself at the ground, and miss.
How do you know when yogurt goes bad? [Didn't it start out that way?]
How do you know when you're out of invisible ink? [Get help from Q?]
How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty? [Sell bookends as well?]
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? [Ski?]
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? [On their asteroids, cause Pluto is too far away]
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? [Either that or cut his celery]
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? [Only if it's out on a limb.]
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it? [Nah, that would be barking up the wrong tree]
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? [Yep.]
If a woman can be a meter maid, can a man be a meter butler? [Uh - meter reader?]
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow? [Now there's a fruitful question]
How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was invented but just didn't have anything to jot it down on? [What, you didn't get the memo?]
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it? [And would a population explosion of sponges make it less deep?]
If you're going through hell, keep going. --Walt Disney [And, why did Mickey Mouse go into space? Double credit if you catch both references in that.]
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? [Because English is a foreign language?]
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? [Girl Scout cookies? Lady fingers?]
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi? [I dunno; would any kind of grape be useful as bait when fishing?]
If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry? [Nah; you'd be converted into energy.]
If you can read the marking, isn't that end already up? [Either that or you're upside down!]
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? [The remainder?]
If you have an open mind why don't your brains fall out? [Brain, brain, what is brain? - Immorg]
That depends on whether it is an odd or an end.
Or an even or a begin!
Note that "end", "even" and "begin" can all be verbs while "odd" is strictly an adjective. I see profound significance in this distinction.
Well, then let us begin to even this out and then end it...
(Or was that wording too odd?)