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Picture of Sean
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What?!?! Discrimination against one little word may seem to be a small matter; but it all odds up.
 
Posts: 6520 | Location: Albuquerque, NM | Mbr Since: 09-22-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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My wife left me but I'm not sure why.

After our last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses, so I'd have to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker -- maybe a 12 pack on weekends.

Anyway, I gave it up but the other day she came home from grocery shopping and when I looked at the receipt and saw $45 for makeup. I said, "Wait a minute. I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"

She said, "But honey, I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."

I told her, "Heck, that's what the beer was for!"

I don't think she'll be back.

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Posts: 8561 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table.

The wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My Gosh!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

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Posts: 8561 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the darn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the thing's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

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HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

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Posts: 8561 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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Subject: Fw: And They Vote

A guy bought a new refrigerator for his house. To get rid of his old refrigerator, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying:
"Free to good home. You want it, you take it."
For three days the refrigerator sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read:
"Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it.
Caution! These people Vote!

[OTOH, as he was trying to give it away free in the first place, sounds to me like the result was what he wanted! Smile   :) ]
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While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has for sometime), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff"...
She ALSO votes!

[I guess that some people have trouble taking directions]
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Posts: 8561 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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Subject: Fw: And They Vote

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I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Pacific."
He ALSO votes!

[Well it's about time]
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My colleague and I were e ating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving".
She ALSO votes!

[Tip: cars do not go faster than light! Not even if equipped with a flux capacitor! Which is also about time!]
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Posts: 8561 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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Subject: Fw: And They Vote

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
My sister ALSO votes!

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My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount...
He ALSO votes!

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I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...
My friend ALSO votes!
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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?".
SHE ALSO votes!

To those who understand ~ No explanation is necessary.
For those who don't understand ~ No explanation is possible.
>
>

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Posts: 8561 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Picture of Sean
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Caustic: Expensive
 
Posts: 6520 | Location: Albuquerque, NM | Mbr Since: 09-22-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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And that's no lye!
 
Posts: 8561 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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Retarded Grandparents

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but in it, they all jump up and down with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. They go cruising in their golf carts.

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.

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Posts: 8561 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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Up-and-coming visionaries get chided all the time by the establishment. Here are some classics to inspire you to power on for the betterment of humanity.

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
--Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
--Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
--The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"But what ... is it good for?"
--Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
--Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."
--Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
--Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

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Posts: 8561 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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Up-and-coming visionaries get chided all the time by the establishment. Here are some classics to inspire you to power on for the betterment of humanity (continued).

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
--David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."
--A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
--H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper."
--Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make."
--Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
--Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

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Posts: 8561 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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Subject: arthritis

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a Priest. The mans tie was stained, his face was plastered with Red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of His torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began Reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and Asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being With cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for Your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a Bath".

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," then Returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man And apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so Strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just Reading here that the Pope does".

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Posts: 8561 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Picture of True Conservative
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Bulldozer:

>
>
>
>
>

A bulldozer is someone who falls asleep during a political speech.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Standing in the Way of Big Goverment is Not Standing in the Way of Progress

Politicians Aren’t Causing Anti-Muslim Hostility — Jihadists Are (Stacey Dash)

Proud To Be Defending President Trump
 
Posts: 104627 | Location: Sunny Florida | Mbr Since: 10-06-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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Up-and-coming visionaries get chided all the time by the establishment. Here are some classics to inspire you to power on for the betterment of humanity (continued).

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."
--Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.

"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'"
--Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.

"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools."
--1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work.

"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training."
--Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus.

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy.."
--Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

=========
 
Posts: 8561 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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Up-and-coming visionaries get chided all the time by the establishment. Here are some classics to inspire you to power on for the betterment of humanity (continued).

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
--Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
--Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
--Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction".
--Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon".
--Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon- Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
-- Bill Gates, 1981

Not to mention:

"[Atoms are indivisible!]"

"[Continents don't move!]"

"[Neutrinos don't have mass!]"

"[Pluto is the ninth planet!]"

=========
 
Posts: 8561 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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Subject: Two Women

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died:

1st woman: "I froze to death."

2nd woman: "How horrible."

1st woman: "It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"

2nd woman: "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: "So what happened?

2nd woman: "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died."

1st woman: "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.

==================
 
Posts: 8561 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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Subject: English

English is Difficult? You betcha!!-

Can you read these correctly ... the first time?

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The landfill was so full, they had to refuse more refuse.

4) Please polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could be in the lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier chose to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, it is time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does strange antics when does are around.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong for us to wind the sail.

18) I shed a tear upon seeing the tear in the painting.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) I need to intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, no ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England nor French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Is it not crazy that you can make amends, but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think the first 'teachers of the language' should have been committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. How is it that people recite a play and play at a recital; ship by truck and send cargo by ship; have noses that run and feet that smell??

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down; you fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm goes of f by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. This is why... when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?

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Posts: 8561 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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quote:
Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?

Because Quick is not a GM product. Nevertheless it can be forced to rhyme if one shows it who is boss.
 
Posts: 6520 | Location: Albuquerque, NM | Mbr Since: 09-22-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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So, show it Tony Danza?
 
Posts: 8561 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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New Virus!

There is a new virus. It's called WORK. If you receive WORK from your Colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else, do not touch it under any circumstances.

This virus wipes out your private life completely.

If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar.

Order drinks immediately and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your system.

Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends.

Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your life.

If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends.

I think I have five friends, but am not entirely positive so I'm headed for the bar anyway..... it never hurts to be safe.

THANK GOODNESS I GOT THIS IN TIME.

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Posts: 8561 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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I think these are called, "Ain't it the truth!!"

LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)

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Posts: 8561 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Picture of Sean
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Law of the Jungle: Sometimes you snare a bunny for your dinner and sometimes you are the bunny.
 
Posts: 6520 | Location: Albuquerque, NM | Mbr Since: 09-22-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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I thought that was bugs and windshields?
 
Posts: 8561 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Picture of Sean
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Law of the Ladder: It's not what you know but who you know. However, who you know depends on what you know.
 
Posts: 6520 | Location: Albuquerque, NM | Mbr Since: 09-22-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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