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Chronic...
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A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.'

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.'

The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read... 'MAIN ENTRANCE'

(Now, just as long as there really is a sucker born every minute... )
 
Posts: 8464 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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Subject: GOD VS DEVIL

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"

And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.
 
Posts: 8464 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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Little Johnny Jokes

Little Johnny's class were on an outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, of the ten most wanted men, tacked to a bulletin board. On the way out of the police station Little Johnny said to the officer, "it was so nice of you to put my daddy's picture up there."

(I guess they thought he was photogenic?)
 
Posts: 8464 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Kid Jokes

An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought my friend, gee, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps and be a doctor! Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

(Want fries with that? Something to drink? Apple turnover? )
 
Posts: 8464 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Horse for Sale

An old farmer is outside for a walk around his land when he sees a sign on his neighbor's lawn: "Horse for Sale". Curious, he decides to have a look-see. As he approaches his neighbor's stable, he sees his old Italian friend brushing down a fine looking stallion.

"Hello friend, I saw your sign out there and came over to see your horse for sale."

Now, the Italian farmer speaks very poor English, but manages to answer well enough. "Yep, yep, disa is da horse for-a sale."

"This horse here?" quizzes the old farmer, "Why he's a fine horse! Why-ever would you sell him?"

"Well," sighs the Italian farmer, "He no looka so good anymore."

The old farmer, convinced that his neighbor has lost his mind, makes the sale and leads the horse across his field over to the stable. As he taps the horse gently on the back to coax him into the stable, he watches as the horse misses the door completely and smacks head first into the wall. "That ol' cheat sold me a near blind horse!" growls the old farmer. He then proceeds to storm over across the field, reigns in hand, to give his neighbor a piece of his mind.

"You sold me a near blind horse you ol' cheat and you didn't even tell me!" he screams.

"Eh! I tolla you!" cries the Italian farmer, "I say, 'he no looka so good anymore!'"

(Oh say can he see? Neigh! )

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Posts: 8464 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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: Police Jokes

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

(Excuses, excuses! )

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Posts: 8464 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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Q. How do you make holy water?

A. Put some water in a pot, and boil the hell out of it.

(Cause after all, punching a hole in it doesn't really work to make it holey, unless you freeze the water first. )

(Bubble, bubble, toil and tribble, fire bubble and cauldren burn... Oh well, guess I need a spell checker. )

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Posts: 8464 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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quote:
Q. How do you make holy water?

A. Distill it. If it contains solutes it is not wholly water.
 
Posts: 6520 | Location: Albuquerque, NM | Mbr Since: 09-22-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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Ah, so that's the solution! Take it to the distillery of the night!
 
Posts: 8464 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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Two rules for life:

1. Don't tell people everything you know.

2.

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Posts: 8464 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
AAA+
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Youthful Figure: What you get when you ask a woman her age.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Standing in the Way of Big Goverment is Not Standing in the Way of Progress

Politicians Aren’t Causing Anti-Muslim Hostility — Jihadists Are (Stacey Dash)

Proud To Be Defending President Trump
 
Posts: 102508 | Location: Sunny Florida | Mbr Since: 10-06-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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Venice from a man's point of view

A young lady who had returned from a tour through Italy with her father informed a friend that he liked all the Italian cities, but most of all he loved Venice.

"Ah, Venice, to be sure!" said the friend. "I can readily understand that your father would like Venice with its gondolas, and St. Markses and Michelangelos."

"Oh, no,' the young lady interrupted, "it wasn't that. He liked it because he could sit in the hotel and fish from the window."

(Actually I wouldn't count on being able to catch anything edible, or that it would be legal, but never mind that. )

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Posts: 8464 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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quote:
He liked it because he could sit in the hotel and fish from the window.

The most likely catch is a gondola, which is perfectly OK if you don't mind being sworn at in Italian.
 
Posts: 6520 | Location: Albuquerque, NM | Mbr Since: 09-22-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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Derby Horse

A jogger running down a country road is startled as a horse yells at him "Hey-come over hear buddy". The jogger is stunned but runs over to the fence where the horse is standing and asks "Were you talking to me"? The horse replies "Sure was, man I've got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago and this farmer bought me and now all I do is pull a plow and I'm sick of it. Why don't you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me. I'll make you some money cause I can still run." The jogger thought to himself, "boy a talking horse"

Dollar signs started appearing in his head. So he runs to the house and the old farmer is sitting on the porch. The jogger tells the farmer "Hey man I'll give you $5,000 for that old broken down nag you've got in the field". The farmer replies "Son you can't believe anything that horse says - He's never even been to Kentucky.

(Wiiiiiiiiiiilber! Of course! )

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Posts: 8464 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Dangerous Dog

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying, "Danger! Beware of Dog!" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

(Well doggone!)
 
Posts: 8464 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Have to do What I Done!

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.

"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town.

The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

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Posts: 8464 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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: Female Jokes

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.' Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Clean my house."

Charles

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Posts: 8464 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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: Judges Jokes

"What is your occupation?" asked the judge.
"I'm a locksmith, your honor."
"And what were you doing in the jeweler's shop at three in the morning when the police officers entered?'
" I was making a bolt for the door!"

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: Bar & Drinking Jokes

A man got really drunk one night in his local pub. The barman refused to serve him any more alcohol and told him he should be heading home. The man thought this was a good idea so he stood up to leave but fell over straight away. He tried to stand up again but only fell over again. He thought if only he could get outside and get some fresh air he'd be grand. So he crawled outside then tried to stand up and fell over again. In the end after falling over lots more he decided to crawl home. When he got back to his house he pulled himself up using the door handle but as soon as he let go he fell over again. He had to crawl up the stairs and managed to fall over onto the bed and fell asleep. When he finally woke up the next morning his wife asked him what he was doing at the pub last night. He denied it but she said, "I know you were there..." he maintained his innocence until "...the barman rang to say you forgot your wheelchair again...."

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Posts: 8464 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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Men Vs. Women Jokes

Anytime you see a young man open a car door for his girlfriend, either the car is new or the girlfriend is.

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: Marriage Jokes

A newly wed couple had just had an argument coming home from the reception. Driving along in silence they pass a farm with all kinds of animals on it. Breaking the silence, the husband asks: "Relatives?" and without missing a beat the wife replies: "Yes, in-laws."

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Posts: 8464 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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(From Reader's Digest)

This classified ad in The Romeo (Michigan) Observer screams, "Don't ask, don't tell":
"Wedding gown, size 18, extra-long train, fingertip veil, new $1,600; $400/OBO. Worn once because I was an idiot."

Senior citizens can leave the car at home in Massillon, Ohio. The local paper, "The Independent", ran this classified under "Elderly care": "Bill's Hauling--U Call I Haul."

Not everyone is suited for the following items advertised in "The Baytown (Texas) Sun: "Three upholstered chairs, coffee table, crystal, other stuff including a computer desk suitable for a large lady with thick legs and large drawers."

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Posts: 8464 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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CAT HAIKU

Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in bed, then screams!
My claws aren't that sharp ...

Cats meow out of angst
"Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!
We could break so much!"

Litter box not here
You must have moved it again
I'll crap in the sink.

The Big Ones snore now
Every room is dark and cold
Time for "Cup Hockey"

We're almost equals
I purr to show I love you
Want to smell my butt?

(SCAT!)

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Posts: 8464 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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(From Reader's Digest)

"I've been on a calendar, but I've never been on time." (Marilyn Monroe)

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." (Jeff Valdez)

"I have my standards. They may be low, but I have them." (Bette Middler)

"Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?" (Phyllis Diller)

"I really didn't say everything I said." (Yogi Berra)

"I used to be Snow White, but I drifted." (Mae West)

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Posts: 8464 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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More One Liners:

"If you haven't got anything good to say about anyone, come and sit by me." (Alice Roosevelt Longworth)

"I just recently had my Visa card stolen. Now it's everywhere I want to be." (Scott Wood)

"Instant gratification takes too long" (Carrie Fisher)

"If mini-marts are open 365 days a year, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, why do the doors have locks on them?"

"I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not." (Fran Lebowitz)

Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him for the entire weekend." (Zenna Schaffer)
 
Posts: 8464 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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More One Liners:

"A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished." (Zsa Zsa Gabor)

"Money won't buy friends, but you get a better class of enemy." (Spike Milligan)

"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat." (Lily Tomlin)

"I always wanted to be the last guy on earth, just to see if all those women were lying to me." (Ronnie Shakes)

"Deep down, I'm pretty superficial." (Ava Gardner)

"It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it." (Sam Levenson)

"Time's fun when you're having flies." (Kermit the Frog)
 
Posts: 8464 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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More One Liners:

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either." (Dick Cavett)

"Have you noticed that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone driving faster than you is a maniac?" (George Carlin)

"If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score?" (Vince Lombardi)

"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?" (Robin Williams)

"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass." (Martin Mull)

"I drink to make other people interesting." (George Jean Nathan)

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Posts: 8464 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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