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Chronic...
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Silver Wedding Anniversary coming up!!

--------------------------------------------

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've tried to treat her nice, spend the money on her, but best is that I took-a her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!"

The Priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary."

Luigi proudly replied, "I'm gonna go and get her."

****************************************************************
 
Posts: 8282 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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Tech: Good morning. How may I help you?

Caller: Can you give me the phone number for Jack?

Tech: I'm sorry, sir. I don't understand what you are asking.

Caller: I need the phone number for Jack. On page 5 of the owner's manual for my Samsung fax machine it tells me before servicing the device I need to unplug it from the a/c outlet and telephone jack.

(I wonder if that customer once had a broken cup holder on his PC?)

****************************************************************
 
Posts: 8282 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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quote:
Sad news to report

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads it
 
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Chronic...
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Airline Announcements

United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!

*************************************

On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. '

*************************************

'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'

*************************************

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'

'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'

The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'

***************************************

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'

*******************************************
 
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Chronic...
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Part 2 of 3

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'

*************************************

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'

*************************************

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'

***********************************

'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'

***********************************

'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses...... except for that gentleman over there.'

******************************************

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.'

****************************************
 
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On Mother's Day a church pastor made the following announcement:

On Mother's Day, we normally give flowers to the youngest and oldest mother in attendance.
We are changing that policy. Every single mother attending will receive flowers.

(Hee Haw rerun)


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Standing in the Way of Big Goverment is Not Standing in the Way of Progress

Politicians Aren’t Causing Anti-Muslim Hostility — Jihadists Are (Stacey Dash)

Proud To Be Defending President Trump
 
Posts: 97836 | Location: Sunny Florida | Mbr Since: 10-06-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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Part 3 of 3

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City. The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'

****************************************

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'

****************************************

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'

****************************************

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'

****************************************

De plane! De plane!

****************************************
 
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A husband and wife were asked how they celebrate their birthdays. The husband replied that he takes the day off. The wife replied that she celebrates by taking a few years off.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Standing in the Way of Big Goverment is Not Standing in the Way of Progress

Politicians Aren’t Causing Anti-Muslim Hostility — Jihadists Are (Stacey Dash)

Proud To Be Defending President Trump
 
Posts: 97836 | Location: Sunny Florida | Mbr Since: 10-06-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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Well, it worked for Jack Benny, I guess.
 
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Chronic...
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When the human cannonball retired from the circus, they had to find a replacement.

Trouble is, it was real hard to find somebody else of the same caliber.

**************************************************
 
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Chronic...
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An "early" Thanksgiving story....
A man was driving down a country road one day at 45 miles per hour when suddenly he noticed a three-legged turkey running at the same speed beside his truck. Though he thought this odd, the man decided to speed up so he wouldn't cause an accident with the turkey.

The man sped up to 55 miles per hour, but low and behold, so did the three-legged turkey. The man then sped up to 65
miles per hour only to again be equaled in speed by the three-legged turkey.

As the man watched in amazement, the turkey suddenly made a sharp left turn and took off down a side road toward
a small farm. The man quickly also made the left turn and followed the turkey to the small farm, parking out front.

Looking around the man found the farmer around back in the midst of many three-legged turkeys. After greeting the farmer,
the man asked him why he was raising three-legged turkeys.

"Well we figure," said the farmer, "that with an average family of three people, only two can have a turkey leg with an average turkey. But with a three-legged turkey, each member of the family can enjoy a turkey leg for of their own on Thanksgiving."

"That's pretty wise," said the man, who then asked "Well how do your three-legged turkeys taste?"

"I don't know," said the farmer. "We've never been able to catch one."

**************************************************

(Gobble? Gobble?)
 
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Chronic...
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Have you met the "middle wife"??

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The "Middle Wife" by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday."

"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning..)

"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall..)

"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another "Middle Wife" comes along.

*********************************************************
 
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Chronic...
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Fun Puns.....

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A breakfast boiled egg is hard to beat.

A lot of money is tainted. It t'aint yours and t'aint mine.

His photographic memory was never developed.

When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Those who jump off Paris bridge are in Seine.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Local Area Network in Australia. The LAN down under.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Definition of a will. A dead giveaway.

You're stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

A bird in the hand can be messy.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
 
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Chronic...
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Harry Ewaschuk

Buffalo Theory

I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this .

'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

**************************************************

(Cheers! )
 
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Chronic...
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Date: Wednesday, June 18, 2008 11:32:19 AM

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed His spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is, and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I please come with him tomorrow?'

****************************************
 
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In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"


http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jok...three-wise-men/5239/


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Standing in the Way of Big Goverment is Not Standing in the Way of Progress

Politicians Aren’t Causing Anti-Muslim Hostility — Jihadists Are (Stacey Dash)

Proud To Be Defending President Trump
 
Posts: 97836 | Location: Sunny Florida | Mbr Since: 10-06-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Did You Hear About The Homeless Snake? He didn't Have A Pit To Hiss In.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Standing in the Way of Big Goverment is Not Standing in the Way of Progress

Politicians Aren’t Causing Anti-Muslim Hostility — Jihadists Are (Stacey Dash)

Proud To Be Defending President Trump
 
Posts: 97836 | Location: Sunny Florida | Mbr Since: 10-06-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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Or a leg to stand on?
 
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quote:
Catholic Wisdom

98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."

She raised herself up in bed and said, "Don't ever sell that cow."

(Where's the beef? Or, got milk?)
 
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Chronic...
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PRICE GOUGING IN COLONIAL TIMES

William Penn, the famous statesman, had two elderly aunts who loved to bake pies.

The pies were very popular with the townspeople.

So the aunts decided to start selling them.

The pies sold so well that the women quickly became greedy.

So they started raising their prices.

Soon, everybody in town was talking about the pie-rates of Penn's aunts.

*******************************

(At least they weren't in the Caribbean! )
 
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Chronic...
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quote:
At a fabric store, a pretty girl spots a nice material for a dress and asks the male clerk: How much does it costs?

“Only one kiss per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk.

“That’s fine,” said the girl. I’ll take ten yards.”

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it out.

The girl took the bag and pointed to the old man standing beside her, and smiled, “Grandpa will pay the bill.”

OOPS! Smile-Big   :D
 
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Chronic...
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Say What ?

**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
Time Wounds All Heels.
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals--on Wheels
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
To expedite your visit, please back in.
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
We Repair What Your Husband Fixed
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
Don't sleep with a drip; Call your plumber!
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
Invite us to your next blowout.
**************************
At a Towing company:
We don't charge an arm and a leg: We want tows.
**************************
 
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