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Chronic...
posted
Continued from Recycled Stuff 2018

.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A good pun is its own reword.
 
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Every calendar's days are numbered.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
 
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I left Montreal heading toward Quebec city, when I decided to stop at a comfort station. The first stall was occupied, so I went into the second one. I was no sooner seated than I heard a voice from the next stall: "Hi, how are you doing?"

Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort stations, and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed: "Not bad."

And the stranger said: "And, what are you up to?"

Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to think this was too weird! So I said: "Well, just like you I'm driving east."

Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say, "Look, I'll call you back, there's some idiot in the next stall answering all the questions I am asking you.

[When ya gotta go, ya gotta go? ]

*****
 
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The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. "Hon," I suggested, "why don't you try carrying several things at once?"

The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"

The expert replied, "actually, yes. It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven. "

*****

[Yes, dear.]
 
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A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

*****

There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for.

Fred Hoyle

[Forty two?]

*****
 
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Did you know.....

1. Birds of a feather flock together and poop on your car.
[Especially if you park under a tree on the day of a major avian social event.]

2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
[Ouch?]

4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
[What happened to "eschew obfuscation"?]

5. Don't assume malice for what stewpidity can explain.
[Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stewpidity!]
 
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6. A penny saved is a government oversight.
[Well now that's a taxing thought.]

7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
[The closed mouth gathers no foot?]

8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
[With friends like that...]

9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
[Then buy a replacement for that replacement, then buy... ]
 
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10. He who hesitates is probably right.
[I'll defer that one until later.]

11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
[Goodness.]

12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
[Exactly. Cause, I didn't do it.]

13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
[As in "James TYBERIUS, this is Iowa, not outer space!!!!!" ]

14. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?
[Well now that's a taxing thought.]
 
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An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the prof picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk, and wrote on the board, "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, blue books were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute. Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. What did he write, they asked.

"What chair?"

*****
 
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Visa is everywhere you want to be, except out of debt.

It's better to be poor than to be rich. The rich always have to fear becoming poor, but the poor never have to fear becoming rich.

Nothing is impossible if you don't have to do it yourself.

How about a constitutional amendment that declares anything said in a campaign commercial to be under oath?

Could it be that the people who have nothing to say are the ones we should listen to?

You'll be happy to know that so far, the best name my spell checker has come up with is Calista Fartworth.

You never get tired if you rest a lot in advance.

*****
 
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Real courage is a willingness to attack raw oysters in public.

[That's kind of a shellfish thing to say, huh? ]

It's hard to relate to this high-tech world when your kid says her Lego Toys need more memory.

[640K is enough for anybody. But most likely nobody ever acctually said that. Where's my spell checker? ]

Every day in every way, I was getting worse and worse until I stopped trying to be myself.

[But who else would want to be? ]
 
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After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"

[Kids say the darnedest things, don't they?]

****
 
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Isn't it strange that a group of very intelligent individuals combined into a political party become collectively stewpid?

[Just remember, the prefix poly- means many, and a tick is a small blood sucking creature. ]

I may not agree with what you have to say, but I shall defend to the death your right to shut up.

[Oh hush. ]

To feel good about yourself, is there a quota on how many other people each day you have to condemn?

[If you can't say anything good about somebody, you'll never make it on the gossip circuit. ]
 
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Only in America would people pay $69.95 for a toaster-oven that automatically burns your frozen waffle.

[But at least it's automatic! ]

My mind is now so crowded with valuable information that I can't think.

[Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. ]

If you recall childhood, you may remember that the kids who stuck straws up their noses back then seemed funnier than the ones who stick earrings in their noses today.

[Not to mention their navels, lips, chin, eyebrows, etc. ]

There's just something wonderful about a cold, clear winter morning that makes you want to slow down and take time to stop and smell some hot diesel exhaust.

[That's if you forgot to hibernate. ]
 
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One of the great mysteries of life is how a man can leave his car keys in the refrigerator.

[Yeah, I guess that's one of the cold facts of life. ]

Instead of building millionaires a new arena for their basketball team, why couldn't the city fill in a few potholes?

[Cause they aren't street smart? ]

Does anyone know? If you voted for the winning congressional candidate, can you take all your campaign promises in one lump sum?

[Only the ones you actually get. ]

I encourage my children to read the newspaper, but they're holding out for a remote that turns the pages.

[And a mute button for the ads and other stuff they don't want? ]

*****
 
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This one's kind of Greek to me, but here it is anyway:

*****
Trojan Email Chronicle

> FROM: laocoon@doomgloom.edu
> TO: Trojan Army Listserv <Trojans-L@troy.org>
> RE: WARNING!! BEWARE GREEKS BEARING GIFTS!
>
> Hey Hector,
> This was forwarded to me by Cassandra--it looks legit. Please
> distribute to Priam, Hecuba, and your 99 siblings.
> Thanks,
> Laocoon
>
>> WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
>> IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO NOT
>> DOWNLOAD IT!!!! It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE AND WILL OVERWRITE YOUR
>> ENTIRE CITY! YOU WILL LOSE EVERYTHING!
>> The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories
>> tall. It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be
>> abandoned.
>>
>> DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is
>> incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of heavily
>> armed Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack your town,
>> and kill your women and children. If you have already received such
>> a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT! Take it back out of the city unopened and
>> set fire to it by the beach.
>>
>> FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!
>>
>> Poseidon /|

FROM: princeh@troy.gov
TO: laocoon@doomgloom.edu
RE: Greeks bearing gifts

Laocoon,
I hate to break to you, but this is one of the oldest hoaxes there is. I've seen variants on this warning come through on other listservs, one involving some kind of fruit that was supposed to kill the people who ate it and one having to do with something called the "Midas Touch." Here are a few tipoffs that this is a hoax:

1) This "Forward this message to everyone you know" crap. If it were really meant as a warning about the Greek army, why tell anyone to post it to the Phoenicians, Sumerians, and Cretans?
2) Use of exclamation points. Always a giveaway.
3) It's signed "from Poseidon." Granted he's had his problems with Odysseus but he's one of their guys, isn't he? Besides, the lack of a real header with a detailed address makes me suspicious.
4) Technically speaking, there is no way for a horse to overwrite your entire city. A horse is just an animal, after all.

Next time you get a message like this, just delete it. I appreciate your concern, but once you've been around the block a couple times you'll realize how annoying this kind of stuff is.

Bye now,
Hector

*****

OOPS!!!!
 
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It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.

Mark Twain (1835-1910)

*****
It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.

Groucho Marx (1895-1977)

*****
 
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The only thing you get from resting on your laurels is flat laurels.

*****

Now here's 1 100 u:
There are 10 kinds of people - those who use binary and those who don't.

*****
 
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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother," she asked, "is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

*****

An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class.

"How did that happen?" gasped her mother.

"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."

*****
 
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It is only when they go wrong that machines remind you how powerful they are.

Clive James

*****
It takes a long time to understand nothing.

Edward Dahlberg

*****
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

George S. Patton, General (1885-1945)

*****
 
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DEAR SIR OR MADAM

These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and housing associations throughout the UK.

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

...and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
 
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DEAR SIR OR MADAM, Continued...

I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

...50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
 
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DEAR SIR OR MADAM, Continued...

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

*****
 
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Top 10 Reasons Why The Television Is Better Than The Web

10. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.
9. When was the last time you tuned in to "Melrose Place" and got a "Error 404" message?
8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV -- even on MTV.
7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.
6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.
5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.
4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.
3. You just can't find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web.
2. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.
1. You can't surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.

*****
 
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DICTIONARY FOR THE CHURCH (1 of 2)

AMEN:
The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN:
1) Air conditioning.
2) Your receipt for attending services.

CHOIR:
A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.

HYMN:
A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than the congregation's range.

HYMN, RECESSIONAL:
The last song, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

JONAH:
The original "Jaws" story.

MAGI:
The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
 
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