You've heard frogs have been put on the endangered species list? Yup... those little buggers are always croaking.
Or a rewrite of that one:
A vetinarian was treating some frogs.
An onlooker points out that the patients just croaked.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
[Does that mean they worked? ]
A little lemon and seltzer will remove those pesky ink stains after you've been fingerprinted.
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
How is a man like a used car?
Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable.
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. (George Burns)
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Young son: Is it true Dad that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late."
If only God would give me some sign...a clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. (Selections from the Allen Notebooks, New Yorker)
Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate. (Woody Allen)
If you want to make GOD Laugh, tell him your future plans. (Woody Allen)
Those are my principles, if you don't like them...... I have others." (Groucho Marx)
Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted. (John Lennon)
IT'S TIME TO DIET AND EXERCISE WHEN...
...you try to do a few push-ups and discover that certain body parts refuse to leave the floor.
...your children look through your wedding album and want to know who Daddy's first wife was.
...you get winded just saying the words "six-kilometer run."
...you analyze your body honestly and decide what you should develop first is your sense of humor.
...you accept the fact that you can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but not while you're wearing a bathing suit.
It was rush hour, and when the bus finally arrived, it was packed. I tried to force my way on, but no one would budge, although there was ample room in the back. Then the bus driver took over.
"Excuse me, Ladies and Gentlemen," he shouted. "Will all the beautiful, smart people please move to the back of the bus, and all the ugly stupid people stay up front?"
Definition of Outdoor BBQing
BBQing is the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.
1. The woman goes to the store.
2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10. The mans ask the woman how she enjoyed "her night off". And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
The drunken old lady was hunched over the bar, toothpick in hand, spearing futilely at the olive in her drink. A dozen times the olive eluded her. Finally, another patron, who had been watching intently from the next stool, became exasperated and grabbed the toothpick.
"Here, this is how you do it." he said, as he easily skewered the olive.
"Big deal," muttered the old drunk. "I already had him so tired out, he couldn't get away."
[IOW, the assistance was fruitless.]
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S' cuse me", said a customer who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"
"Ach, it were nothin', said McQuillan, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!
[Sounds like a fruitful strategy.]
So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.
"Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"
It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.
So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!" This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.
"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.
The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"
"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."
There was a tradesman, a painter called Wayne, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest buildings. Wayne put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.
And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.
Well, Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Wayne clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Wayne was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...
(you're going to love this)
"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
Fax machines can have a great effect on politicians.
Somebody just sent a fax message to every member of our state legislature. Each fax message was exactly the same: "The press has found out everything."
Both houses of the legislature emptied out within thirty minutes.
["Just the fax, ma'm."]
I decided to stop worrying about my teenager's driving and take advantage of it.
I got one of those bumper stickers that say, "How's my driving?" and put a 900 number on it.
At 50 cents a call, I've been making $38 a week.
The seven-year old told her mom, that a little boy in her class asked her to play doctor.
"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"
"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."
At the Olympics a man went up to a competitor who was carrying a very long pole.
"Are you a pole vaulter?"
"No, I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?"
Some peeves that some people have kept as pets:
People who are willing to get up and search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change it manually!
When people say..."Oh, you just want to have your cake and eat it, too." Say what? What good is a piece of cake if you can't eat it? What should I do... eat someone else's piece of cake instead??
When people say... "It's always the last place you look." No fooling!! Why the bleep would you keep looking for it after you've already found it?? Do people do this?? Who and where are they?? Out looking for themselves?
When people say, while watching a movie . . . "Did you see that?" No, I paid $7.50 to come to a theater and stare at the ceiling up there. What did you come here for??
People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya?
When something is "New & Improved". Which is it? If it's new, there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement then there must have been something before it!
When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going. "You should know, Officer, you're the one that pulled me over!"
Chain letters! Who the bleep thinks that by annoying other people with stupid mail with no meaning, that they will grant you a wish, or make your long-lost love fall into your arms. Baloney! I'm so sure that by breaking a stupid chain letter that the computer gods are going to curse me!!
(I suppose, though, the things to ask about peeves is what do they eat, are they housebroken, do they come when called, etc. )
|Never goes away...|
I got an adult niece absolute laughing and holding her sides with that one. It wasn’t very long afterwards that someone was looking for something and finally found it so I could ask the niece if we should keep looking so as not to have found it in the last place, I didn’t get to the end of the question before she was ROTL again...made her day for sure!
I did require an answer though, which just started her laughing again. Ultimately she decided, no.
Has de niece found herself yet?
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," said the man.