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Chronic...
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DICTIONARY FOR THE CHURCH (2 of 2)

MANGER:
The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.

PEW:
A medieval torture device still found in most churches.

PROCESSION:
The ceremonial formation at the beginning of service, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL:
The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of service - led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS:
People who have been going to church for so long, they actually know when to sit and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS:
The most important Top Ten List NOT given by David Letterman.

USHERS:
The only people in the parish who don't understand the seating capacity of a pew.

*****
 
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Subject: Philosophy

ON MATERIAL SCIENCE
Character density: The number of very weird people in the office.

ON PARADOX AND RETURN POLICIES
There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane". If you buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back and demand a refund?

ON HIGHER EDUCATION
College is a fountain of knowledge... and the students are there to drink.

ON MATHEMATICAL TRANSFORMS
A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transformation.

ON YOUTH
"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- here in a jar on my desk."
-- Steven King, 3/8/90

ON PROBLEM SOLVING
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail. -- Abraham Maslow

*****
 
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ON RELIGIOUS PRACTICES
Photons have mass? I didn't know they were Catholic!

ON INFINITY
If you had everything, where would you keep it?

ON ECONOMICS
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

ON PUBLISHING OR PERISHING
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
-- English Professor, Ohio University

ON REVISIONIST HISTORY
What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?

ON DATING
When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional division by zero.

*****
 
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ON LAMENTATION
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

ON POETIC LOVE
When you're swimmin' in the creek
And an eel bites your cheek
That's a moray!
-- Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers

ON EXTINCTION
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

ON LITERATURE
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. -- Dorothy Parker

ON HUMILITY
To err is human, to moo bovine.

ON EXPLANATION OF THE END
"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs." -- Robert Firth

*****
 
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ON PROPHECY
The meek shall inherit the earth - they are too weak to refuse.
or
The meek shall inherit the earth - while the rest of us will escape to the stars.

ON EXCUSES
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. -- Joe Walsh

ON NUMBERS
Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3 - not even for very large values of 2.

ON WORLD POLITICS
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.

*****

The more things change, the more they are the same.

Alphonse Karr

*****

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

*****
 
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All I Need to Know about Life I Learned From a Snowman.... "

It's okay if you're a little bottom heavy.

Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.

Wearing white is always appropriate.

Winter is the best of the four seasons.

It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.

There's nothing better than a foul weather friend.

The key to life is to be a jolly, happy soul.

It's not the size of the carrot, but the placement that counts.

We're all made up of mostly water.

You know you've made it when they write a song about you.

Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!

Avoid yellow snow. Don't get too much sun.

It's embarrassing when you can't look down and see your feet.

It's fun to hang out in your front yard.

Always put your best foot forward.

There's no stopping you once you're on a roll.

*****
 
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The reward for a thing well done is to have done it.

Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

[I did that yesterday!]

*****

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

Aristotle Onassis (1906-1975)

[But I'm not saying what I did yesterday! Smile-Big   :D ]

*****
 
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A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was?

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

*****

[Sure, but does he look more like George Burns, or more like Morgan Freeman? Or maybe Chris Hemsworth?]
 
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111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. (If all four legs are off the ground, the horse died in battle.)

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them use to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired."

Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village".

There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
 
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Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."

The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

The word "samba" means "to rub navels together."

The international telephone dialing code for Antarctica is 672. [BRRR]
 
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The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.

Until 1965, driving was done on the left-hand side on roads in Sweden. The conversion to right-hand was done on a weekday at 5pm. All traffic stopped as people switched sides. This time and day were chosen to prevent accidents where drivers would have gotten up in the morning and been too sleepy to realize that *this* was the day of the changeover.

Dr. Seuss pronounced "Seuss" such that it rhymed with "rejoice."

In Casablanca, Humphrey Bogart never said "Play it again, Sam."

Sherlock Holmes never said "Elementary, my dear Watson."
 
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Yesterday I got a letter from the IRS. That's NEVER good news, y'know?

Turns out they denied a 50% depreciation deduction on me.

Well, I tried, y'know. It all started when The Bride said I wasn't half the man I used to be . . .

*****
 
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Five things you don't want to hear from Tech Support:

1. "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"

2. "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."

3. "Your problem can be fixed, but you're going to need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape and a car battery."

4. "Press 1 for Support.
Press 2 if you're with '60 minutes.'
Press 3 if you're with the FTC."

5. "Hold on a second, please ... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"

*****
 
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The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt

*****

(After all, fear is the mind killer. I will let my fear wash over me. It will be gone, and only I will remain.)

(Alternately, fear leads to hate, which leads to the dark side of the moon... Er, I mean, the force... )

(But then, the yellow power of fear can lead to corruption, and then it needs the green power of will (and a colorful ring) to fix it again... )

(Eek. A mouse. )

*****
 
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*****
Heavenly Entrance Exam

The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

Saint Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance exam for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here, Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams Shore hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was.

Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest. But, the test I have has only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is God's first name?"

Forrest goes away to think the questions over. Forrest returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions.

Saint Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow.

The saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That's not what I was thinking, but... you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer." "How about the next one?" says Saint Peter, "How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second......."

"Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where you're going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind. I'll give you credit for that one too."

"Let's go on with the next and final question." says Saint Peter, "Can you tell me God's first name?"

Forrest says, "Well, shore, I know God's first name. Everybody knows it. It's Howard."

"Howard?!" asks Saint Peter. "What makes you think it's Howard?!"

Forrest answers, "It's in the prayer."

"The prayer?" asks Saint Peter, "Which prayer?"

"You know, The Lord's Prayer," responds Forrest: "Our Father, which art in Heaven, Howard be thy name......"

*****

[And here I figured it would be "Art"! ]
 
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Hollywood Squares Q & A (1 of 2)

Some Q & A from the original Hollywood Squares TV show, in the days when Peter Marshall was the host.
-----
Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
-----
Q: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!
-----
Q: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy?

A: Paul Lynde: Why, that *****!
-----
Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does that mean?

A: George Gobel: Cattle crossing.
-----
Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what is it?

A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!
-----
Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?

A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.
-----
 
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Hollywood Squares Q & A (2 of 2)

Some Q & A from the original Hollywood Squares TV show, in the days when Peter Marshall was the host.
-----
Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
-----
Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
-----
Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.
-----
Q: James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What was it?

A: Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.
-----
Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A: Charley Weaver: His feet.
-----
Q: Do female frogs croak?

A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
-----
Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb, can you detect light?

A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice.

*****
 
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Dog Rules

1. Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside in a specially built wooden compartment named, for very good reason, the dog house.

2. Okay, the dog can enter the house, but only for short visits or if his own house is under renovation.

3. Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis, provided his dog house can be sold in a yard sale to a rookie dog owner.

4. Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable but secure metal cage.

5. Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal along with the dog house in the yard sale, and the dog can go wherever the hell he pleases.

6. The dog is never allowed on the furniture.

7. Okay, the dog can get on the old furniture but not the new furniture.

8. Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture and then we'll sell the whole damn works and buy new furniture... upon which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.

9. The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.

10. Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed.

11. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he's not allowed under the covers.

12. Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers but not with his head on the pillow.

13. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you under the covers with his head on the pillow, but if he snores he's got to leave the room.

14. Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and have nightmares in bed, but he's not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where I'm now sleeping. That's just not fair.

15. The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaire as "primary resident," even if it's true.

*****
 
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The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make them unsafe.

Frank Rizzo

*****
The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

Paul Valery (1871-1945)

*****
Two lovers who had been apart for some time were reunited on a foggy day. One whispered to the other 'I mist you'.

*****
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly, is to fill the world with fools.

Herbert Spencer

*****
 
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A new forestry graduate receives his first 5-year posting way out in the middle of a huge forest with no people around for miles.

Included in the survival gear that they give him, much to his surprise, is a martini kit.

When he asks why he's receiving a martini kit, he is told, "Sometime, a few years down the road when the solitude *really* starts to get to you, you're going to remember your martini kit. You're going to get it out and start making one and before you know it you're going to have somebody looking over your shoulder saying, 'That's not the correct way to make a martini!'"

*****

[So, should it be shaken, not stirred?]
 
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Science lesson for today:

Why does nature abhor a vacuum?

Because, nothing sucks like an Electrolux.

*****
 
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The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained four new families."

The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained six new families."

The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"

*****
 
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Memo No. 1:
Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity.

Memo No. 2:
Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.

Memo No. 3:
Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.

Memo No. 4:
A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory.

Memo No. 5:
As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, the Committee On Committee's has appointed a 14-member Casual Day Task Force to prepare guidelines for proper dress.

Memo No. 6:
The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards" has been mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.

Memo No. 7:
Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective immediately.

*****

(Did ya'll get the memo? Smile   :) )
 
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This is indeed a typical case on information flow:

Memo from CEO to Manager:
Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the parking lot. Staff should meet in the lot at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost

Memo from Manager to Department Head:
Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will appear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles. The CEO will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some information. This is not something that can be seen every day.

Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:
The CEO will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the form of an eclipse. This is something that cannot be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.

Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor:
Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the CEO will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn't happen every day. It will be safe, and as usual it will cost you.

Memo from Supervisor to staff:
Some staff will go to the car park today to see the CEO disappear. It is a pity this doesn't happen everyday.

*****
 
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News Flash: A ship carrying a cargo of red paint has collided with a ship carrying a cargo of purple paint.
(Both crews were marooned.)

[Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a colorful trip... ]

*****
 
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