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Never goes away...
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Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster that an ambulance...
[It's not delivery, it's de journal! Or something like that.]

Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
[Cause making exception to the law for that case would complicate it?]

Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry and a diet coke...
[Gotta have something to wash it down!]

Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
[They don't want people writing complaints?]
 
Posts: 10074 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
[It's closer than the attic or the basement!]

Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
[At the sound of the beep, say something. If you don't say something, you won't talk to me.]

Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
[There are 10 kinds of people; those who grok binary, and those that don't]

Only in America... do we use the word politics to describe the process so well. Poli in latin meaning many and tics meaning blood sucking creatures...
[The problem with elections is that you wind up with somebody who was dumb enough to actually want the job... ]
 
Posts: 10074 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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FireWorks ..

When Marco Polo first opened the trade routes to China, he was quite impressed with their rockets.

Now, these weren't quite the fireworks we now know, but they did shoot into the air, explode and make some pretty patterns. Strangely, no matter where he went, there were people who made fireworks, but he had trouble finding someone to demonstrate them for him.

"Not here!" they said. ...very confusing.

Until ol' Marc came upon an ancient military fortification at the community of Chu'Lai. Here, fireworks were launched every night, and Marc was very impressed!

But still he wondered, "Why here?"

At the end of every week, people came from great distances, bringing their own fireworks to launch.

So Marco Polo asked his guide why everyone came here to launch their fireworks.

Marc's guide replied: "Why honored Sir, we always set off fireworks on the Forts of Chu'Lai"
 
Posts: 10074 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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If they had computers in 1776:

Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen, the summer grows hot, and it is essential that we complete this declaration of independence.

Mr. Franklin: Wait a minute, Thomas. I have to reboot here.

Mr. Jefferson: That's all right, Ben. We'll go on without you. Has everyone had a chance to look at the draft I posted yesterday?

Mr. Sherman: Not yet, Thomas, I've been having Notes replication problems.

Mr. Adams: Here, Roger, I brought a hard copy

Mr. Sherman: Thanks, Saaaaay, nice font.

Mr. Adams: Do you like it? I downloaded it off Colonies Online just last week

Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen! There is work to be done. I fear our document will soon leak out.

Mr. Livingston: Too late, Thomas. There's already a bootleg circulating. I saw it posted on alt.georgeIII.sucks last night.

Mr. Adams: Ben, you might try upgrading to Windows 75. It solved that problem for me.

Mr. Sherman: Thomas, the part here about the Acts of Pretended Legislation; have you considered using bullets to air out the text?

Mr. Jefferson: I can fix that easily enough.
Drat! I've spilled candle wax on my keyboard again.

Mr. Adams: You know, Thomas, that wouldn't happen if you'd buy an active-matrix screen.

Mr. Franklin: Hard-disk failure?!? Aw, criminy

Mr. Livingston: Are you sure it's "unalienable rights"? My spell checker recommends "unassailable".

Mr. Jefferson: Can we stick to the substance of the document, please? Shoot. Low battery. Anyone got a spare power cable?

Mr. Sherman: What have you got, a Toshiba? No, mine isn't compatible.

Mr. Franklin: Hello, PCs Philadelphia? What does it mean when the floppy drive buzzes?
OK, I'll hold.....

Mr. Livingston: The "In Congress" part here at the top; have you thought about blowing that up really big and maybe centering it in 72 point Helvetica?

Mr. Jefferson: Not a bad idea. Aw, nuts! Word macro virus! I can't save the file.

Mr. Franklin: That's all right, Thomas. We can manage. Here, borrow my quill pen....

***********
 
Posts: 10074 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? ....
He won the 'no-bell' prize.
 
Posts: 10074 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!
 
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Talked to an IT guy from Australia.
I said "Oh you come from a LAN down under?".
 
Posts: 10074 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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I am afraid for the calendar, its days are numbered!

Calendars are slow reading - takes a whole month to turn one page.
 
Posts: 10074 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Why is it hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs? They always take things literally!
 
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Why doesn't the sun go to college?
It already has millions of degrees.
 
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My son, recently unemployed :slightly_frowning_face:, was complaining about how his friends are sending him job listings. I asked what some of them were, he listed a few, one was basically sorting and mailing things from home. I stoped him and said "Go with that one son, you'll really be pushing the envelope there!"
 
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You can't plant flowers if you haven't botany.
 
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We all know 6 is afraid of 7 because 7 8 9
Do you know why 7 ate 9? Because it heard you should eat 3-square meals per day.
 
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Do you know why Amazon bought Whole Foods?
Jeff Bezos was making a salad and ran out of olives so he said "Alexa, buy olives from Whole Foods".
Then Alexa said "Okay, buying all of Whole Foods. Got it!
 
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What did the magician say to the fisherman?
Pick a cod, any cod!
 
Posts: 10074 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Have you heard about the new restaurant on the moon? The food is out of this world, but it is really lacking atmosphere.
 
Posts: 10074 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Have you seen Orion's belt? It's cool and all but I would only give it 3 stars.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.
 
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What do you call an alligator that wants to be a detective?

an investigator
 
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How do you put more bounce into a water bed?
Add spring water...
 
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Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the SHELL station!
 
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I took my daughter to the doctor yesterday and asked the Pediatrician - why is your job so frustrating?
He told me because I have little patients!
 
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What is it about all the Psychics that I ever visit.. they're either totally depressed, or too excitable.

It's really hard to find a happy Medium.
 
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Never believe an Atom.
They make up everything.
 
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My wife complained that I didn't buy her flowers.

I didn't even know she sold flowers.
 
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My wife asked if I'd seen the dog bowl.
I told her I didn't even know he could.
 
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