Recycled Stuff 2020

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04-27-2020, 06:12 PM
Henry J
Recycled Stuff 2020
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David and his wife listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

David leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

[The following comment censored]


(Shazbot? Gosh? Good grief? Rats? Oh my stars? Oh sweet nibblets? Oh shucks? One of those comments?)

04-28-2020, 06:06 PM
Henry J
Subject: Idiots of the year 2000
Idiot # 1
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away.

Here's your sign lady. Wear it with pride.
Idiot # 2
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon which activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign guys. Don't get it wet, the paint might run.
04-29-2020, 04:33 PM
Henry J
Subject: Idiots of the year 2000
Idiot # 3
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
Idiot # 4
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.

Another sign (though this guy might be onto something worth thinking about)!
04-30-2020, 04:32 PM
Henry J
Subject: Idiots of the year 2000
Idiot # 5
Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.

They arrested the robber two hours later.

(Remind me to have more signs printed up. Give this guy his!)
Idiot # 6
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"
When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

(This guy doesn't need a sign, he probably figured it out himself.)
05-01-2020, 12:03 AM
During WWII a Government Gazette reported a British officer had been promoted to major on January 1, 1042. He promptly wrote to the Army saying it owed him several hundred thousand pounds in back pay.

The Ministry of Defence wrote back immediately, admitting it did indeed owe him.

However, as he appeared to be the only surviving officer of the Battle of Hastings in 1066, he was being held personally responsible for the large number of bows, arrows, spears and shields which had been misappropriated on that occasion, the value of which by sheer coincidence was only a few pennies more than the sum he had claimed as back pay.

In the circumstances, both parties agreed to forget the matter.
Necessary Heresies; Alternatives to Fundamentalism.
05-01-2020, 08:29 AM
Henry J
And that was the year that was! Or something. Smile   :)
05-01-2020, 04:47 PM
Henry J
Subject: FW: Darwin Award: Madison, AL (true story) 01/24/2001 02:47 PM
January 17, 2001. Madison Alabama.

While waiting at the light at the intersection of Old Madison Pike and Wall Triana (facing east) the driver of the car in front was observed to be fixing her hair and smoking a cigarette while waiting for the light to change.

When the combing was done, she took another drag on her cigarette and reached for a can of hair spray with the cigarette still dangling from her lips. Holding the can at arms length in her right hand she proceeded to spray her newly combed hair.

The spray came into contact with the glowing coal and a deflagration (as opposed to detonation, for you tech types) ensued. The sheet of flame engulfed much of the interior of the vehicle and largely vented out of the partially opened driver's side window which probably kept this from being a full blown Darwin Award.

The dazed woman stumbled out of her vehicle, and, when approached by another motorist (laughing hysterically) coming to offer assistance, proceeded to slug the erstwhile good Samaritan.

[Is this a case of no good deed goes unpunished?]

05-02-2020, 05:35 PM
Henry J
When migrating, geese habitually fly in "V" formations. This is because a bird following behind another one has less wind slowing it and draining its energy, so it can fly further between rest stops.

Ergo, the goose in front is acting as a wind breaker for those behind. They trade places every now and then so as to share the load.

From this we can conclude that geese are highly social animals.


Geese take turns breaking wind for each other.

[HONK! Was this one a gas, or what?]

05-03-2020, 05:43 PM
Henry J
The Bible according to Kids ... and thus endeth the good news (1 of 2)

The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in):

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
05-04-2020, 12:00 AM
Originally posted by Henry J:
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
I feel exactly the same way after a pint or three of Guinessis the night before.

Probably spell it that way as well.
05-04-2020, 05:46 PM
Henry J
The Bible according to Kids ... and thus endeth the good news (2 of 2)

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. [And he was frequently on pins and needles!]

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

05-04-2020, 07:32 PM
Reed N D Dark
Sadly, these almost look like spell checker errors!
05-04-2020, 08:08 PM
Henry J
Nope, know spell chequers whir revolved.
05-04-2020, 08:16 PM
Reed N D Dark
Agreed, but they seem they could have been!
05-05-2020, 04:44 PM
Henry J
***** (first of 3)

Next time you are doing a review you may want to consider some of these. These quotes were taken from actual Federal (US) employee performance evaluations:

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity"

"I would not allow this employee to breed"

"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be"

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap"

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet"

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle"

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy"

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them"

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot"

"This employee should go far, and the sooner the better"

05-06-2020, 04:41 PM
Henry J

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together"

"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus"

"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless"

"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier"

"He's been working with glue too much"

"He would argue with a signpost"

"He has knack for making strangers immediately"

"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room"

"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell"

"If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one"

"A photographic memory but with the lens over the cap"

05-07-2020, 04:32 PM
Henry J

"A prime candidate for natural deselection"

"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it"

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming"

"Has two brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it"

"If he were any more ******, he'd have to be watered twice a week"

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change"

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean"

"It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm"

"One neuron short of a synapse"

"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled"

"Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 Minutes"

"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"

05-08-2020, 07:08 PM
Henry J
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it wasn't Walter who lacked intelligence?

Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting to "please come out and give himself up".

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automatic teller machines. The kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

05-09-2020, 04:58 PM
Henry J

These announcements were found in shul newsletters and bulletins. Even the spellchecker wouldn't have helped.

1. Don't let worry kill you. Let your synagogue help. Join us for our Oneg after services. Prayer and medication to follow. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation.

2. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

3. We are pleased to announce the birth of David Weiss, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs Abe Weiss.

4. Thursday at 5:00pm, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All women wishing to become Little Mothers please see the rabbi in his private study.

5. The ladies of Hadassah have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the basement on Tuesdays.

6. A bean supper will be held Wed. evening in the community centre. Music will follow.

7. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the JCC. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
05-10-2020, 03:32 PM
Henry J

8. Rabbi is on vacation. Massages can be given to his secretary.

9. Goldblum will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

10. The Men's Club is warmly invited to the Oneg hosted by Hadassah. Refreshments will be served for a nominal feel.

11. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Rob, who are preparing for the girth of their first child.

12. We are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet in the sanctuary. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

13. If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you!

14. The Associate Rabbi unveiled the synagogue's new fundraising campaign slogan this week. "I Upped My Pledge. Up Yours."
05-11-2020, 04:33 PM
Henry J
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system.

"This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."
05-12-2020, 06:06 PM
Henry J
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer.

Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
05-13-2020, 04:52 PM
Henry J
In Modesto, CA, a man was arrested for trying to hold up a bank without a weapon.

He used a thumb and finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
05-14-2020, 03:54 PM
Henry J
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup.

When detectives asked each man to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
05-15-2020, 06:07 PM
Henry J
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack of stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms.

"He was seen hopping and jumping around," said a police spokesman, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants."

Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.