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Never goes away...
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LIFE BEFORE THE COMPUTER
--------------------------
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

*****

[Well, it ya wanna add or subtract, there's the abacus, and if ya wanna multiply or divide, there's the slide rule.
If that's not enough, there's always pencil and paper!]
 
Posts: 10072 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Subject: Fw: One for the lawyers

Enjoy!!

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.

After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter):

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U. S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U. S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope you find His original claim to be satisfactory.

Now, may we have our ... loan?"

They got it

***
 
Posts: 10072 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in business we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Say things like, "This is the way we have always ridden this horse."
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.
7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.
8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.
9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment.
10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead."
11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.
12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
15. Do a Cost Analysis study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.
17. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.
18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.
19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
22. Do infomercial on how to make millions with dead horse, featuring testimonial from Joe Sixpack.

****

[Say, were these guys coworkers of Dilbert? Neigh.]
 
Posts: 10072 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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****

Subject: Revenge is Sweet!

Beamer, Samuel wrote:
Revenge is sweet.

WRONG NUMBER

Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem. But unlike most people she did something about it.

The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola.

From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number. Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change its stationery. The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day didn't make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands.

At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leola said, "No problem. How many nights?"

A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. "No, that won't be necessary," Leola said. "We trust you."

The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II.

She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch the O.J. Simpson trial, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June.

Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up.

Once again Leola was helpful. "There's no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers."

Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area.

People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events.

Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said, "We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel."

Leola replied. "We'll take it, but only if you change the telephone number."

****
 
Posts: 10072 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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It took her less time than it took me to stop getting faxes from Verizon! I had to trap the faxes to make the auto delivery stop. That often meant getting up at 3 am and setting up the computer, dial up!

It stopped for a while, after I talked to the real company, but they had little control over their primary client too. Finally during the day I got one that actually had the senders cell phone number! I proceeded to send him back his fax until I could hear him cussing. He put me on ignore and it rolled over to his home number and annoyed his wife! I asked hubby to call the guy, but he had to block the number to get him to answer. When he figured out who he was he began yelling about how annoying it was to keep getting faxes. Hubby calmly told him that he now knew how frustrated we were at 3 am. He calmed down while hubby explained he had no control over me and quickly agreed to solve the problem. .... and he did!
 
Posts: 12889 | Location: Central PA | Mbr Since: 05-14-2017Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Finagle's Rules for Scientific Research

1. Do not believe in miracles--- rely on them.
2. Experiments must be reproducible--- they should all fail the same way.
3. Always verify your witchcraft. [Use spell check!]
4. First draw your curves, then plot your readings.
5. Be sure to obtain meteorological information before leaving on vacation. [weather or not!]
6. A record of data is useful--- it indicates that you've been working.
7. Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.
8. To study a subject best-- understand it thoroughly before you start.
9. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
10. If everything is going according to plan - you've obviously overlooked something.
11. Never forget - If you've got a 50/50 chance of getting it right - You've got a 90% chance of getting it wrong! (aka - The 50/50-90 Rule!)
12. The Law of Universal Gravitation: A falling object tends toward the direction in which it can do maximal damage. [Heavy, man!]

*****
 
Posts: 10072 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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A mathematician, testing the conjecture "All odd numbers greater than 1 are prime", considered: "3 is prime; 5 is prime; 7 is prime; 9 is NOT prime -- so the conjecture is false."

A chemist considered: "3 is prime; 5 is prime; 7 is prime; 9 is NOT prime; 11 is prime; 13 is prime -- there's some experimental error, but it seems true." [Elementary!]

An economist considered: "3 is prime; 5 is prime; 7 is prime; 9 is prime ..."

A mathematician had a fire in his kitchen. He filled a pot with water, and extinguished the fire.

The next day, he had another fire. This time there was a pot of water standing around. So he emptied the pot, thereby reducing the problem to one he had already solved.

*****
 
Posts: 10072 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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THE AWESOME POWER OF THE WRITTEN WORD!

Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

*****
 
Posts: 10072 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

[Say what?]
 
Posts: 10072 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Then there were the two clerics who went into the restaurant business. Their specialty was fish & chips.

One of them was the fish friar; the other was the chip monk.

*****
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

*****
 
Posts: 10072 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Stories from Travel Agents:

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

[So, Coke instead of Pepsi?]

*****
 
Posts: 10072 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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A man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay definitely required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

[Charge! ]

*****
 
Posts: 10072 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asks: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

[Is there a zoologist in the house... ]

*****
 
Posts: 10072 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR [Presumably not a compact!]

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.

*****
 
Posts: 10072 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Rural computer terms
1. Log on - Make the wood stove hotter
2. Log off - Don't add no more wood
3. Monitor - Keep an eye on that wood stove
4. Download - Getting the firewood off the truck
5. Floppy disk - What you get from trying to carry too much firewood
6. Ram - The thing that splits the firewood
7. Hard Drive - Getting home in the winter
8. Prompt - What the mail ain't in the winter
9. Window - What to shut when it's cold outside
10. Screen - What to shut in black fly season
11. Byte - What the black flies do
12. Bit - What the black flies did
13. Mega Byte - What the BIG black flies do
14. Chip - Munches for TV
15. Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you eat the chips
16. Modem - What you did to the hay fields
17. Dot matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife
18. Lap top - Where the kitty sleeps
19. Software - The dumb plastic knives and forks they give you at McDonalds
20. Hardware - The real stainless steel cutlery
21. Mouse - What eats the grain in the barn
22. Main frame - What holds the barn up
23. Enter - City talk for - "come on in, eh"
24. Web - What a spider makes
25. Web site - The barn or the attic
26. Cursor - Someone who swears
27. Search Engine - What you do when the car dies
28. Screen Saver - A repair kit for the torn window screen
29. Home Page - A map you keep in your back pocket just in case you get lost in the field
30. Upgrade - Steep hill
31. Server - The person at the ABC that brings the food
32. Mail Server - The guy at the ABC that brings the food
33. MSDOS - Some new disease they discovered
34. Sound Card - One of them technological birthday cards that plays music when you open it
35. User - The neighbor who keeps borrowing stuff
36. Browser - What they call you when your eyebrows grow together
37. Network - When you have to repair your fishing net
38. Internet - Complicated fish net repair method
39. Netscape - When a fish maneuvers out of reach
40. Online - When you get the laundry hung out on the wash line
41. Off line - When the clothes pins let go and the laundry falls on the ground.

********
 
Posts: 10072 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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*****
Forget the Snap-On Tools truck; it's never there when you need it. Besides, there are only ten things in this world you need to fix any car, any place, any time.

1. DUCT TAPE: Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife in stickum and plastic. It's safety wire, body material, radiator hose, upholstery, insulation, tow rope, and more in one easy-to-carry package. Sure, there's a prejudice surrounding duct tape in concourse competitions, but in the real world everything from LeMans - winning Porsches to Atlas rockets - uses it by the yard. The only thing that can get you out of more scrapes is a quarter and a phone booth.

2. VICE-GRIPS: Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers, baling wire twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts, and wiggle-it-till-it-falls-off tool. The heavy artillery of your toolbox, Vice Grips are the only tool designed expressly to fix things screwed up beyond repair.

3. SPRAY LUBRICANTS: A considerably cheaper alternative to new doors, alternators, and other squeaky items. Slicker than pig phlegm. Repeated soakings of WD-40 will allow the main hull bolts of the Andrea Dora to be removed by hand. Strangely enough, an integral part of these sprays is the infamous little red tube that flies out of the nozzle if you look at it cross-eyed, one of the ten worst tools of all time.

4. MARGARINE TUBS WITH CLEAR LIDS: If you spend all your time under the hood looking for a frendle pin that caromed off the peedle valve when you knocked both off the air cleaner, it's because you eat butter. Real mechanics consume pounds of tasteless vegetable oil replicas, just so they can use the empty tubs for parts containers afterward. (Some, of course, chuck the butter-colored goo altogether or use it to repack wheel bearings.) Unlike air cleaners and radiator lips, margarine tubs aren't connected by a time/space wormhole to the Parallel Universe of Lost Frendle Pins.

5. BIG ROCK AT THE SIDE OF THE ROAD: Block up a tire. Smack corroded battery terminals. Pound out a dent. Bop nosy know-it-all types on the noodle. Scientists have yet to develop a hammer that packs the raw banging power of granite or limestone. This is the only tool with which a "made in India" emblem is not synonymous with the user's maiming.

6. PLASTIC ZIP TIES: After twenty years of lashing down stray hoses and wired with old bread ties, some genius brought a slightly slicked up version to the auto parts market. Fifteen zip ties can transform a hulking mass of amateur-quality rewiring from a working model of the Brazilian rain forest into something remotely resembling a wiring harness. Of course, it works both ways. When buying used cars, subtract $100.00 for each zip tie under the hood.

7. RIDICULOUSLY LARGE STANDARD SCREWDRIVER WITH LIFETIME GUARANTEE: Let's admit it. There's nothing better for prying, chiseling, lifting, breaking, splitting, or mutilating than a huge flat-bladed screwdriver, particularly when wielded with gusto and a big hammer. This is also the tool of choice for oil filters so insanely located they can only be removed by driving a stake in one side and out the other. If you break the screwdriver - and you will, just like Dad or your shop teacher said - who cares? It's guaranteed.

8. BAILING WIRE: Commonly known as MG muffler brackets, bailing wire holds anything that's too hot for tape or ties. Like duct tape, it's not recommended for concourse contenders since it works so well you'll never replace it with the right thing again. Bailing wire is a sentimental favorite in some circles, particularly with MG, Triumph, and flathead Ford set.

9. BONKING STICK: This monstrous tuning fork with devilishly pointy ends is technically known as a tie-rod- end separator, but how often do you separate tie-ends? Once every decade, if you're lucky. Other than medieval combat, its real use is the all purpose application of undue force, not unlike that of the huge flat-bladed screwdriver. Nature doesn't know the bent metal panel or frozen exhaust pipe that can stand up to a good bonking stick. (Can also be used to separate tie-rod ends in a pinch, of course, but does a lousy job of it).

10. A QUARTER (now its $0.35) AND A PHONE BOOTH: (See #1 above.)

*****
 
Posts: 10072 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR (THE BELL DOESN'T WORK).

*****
 
Posts: 10072 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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"Biggest Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle"

1. Being told to "Think Outside the Box" when I'm in the @#$%? box all day!

2. Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who is behind me.

3. Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gun fire.

4. That nagging feeling that if I just press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese.

5. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.

6. My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right.

7. Women: Damned near impossible to adjust your bra or slip without comment. Men: Coworkers tend to stare when you loosen your pants to tuck in your shirt.

8. 23 power cords, 1 outlet.

9. Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.

10. When tours come through, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me.

11. Can't slam the door when you quit and walk out.

*******
 
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anthropology - a branch of science that can lead to having a career in ruins.

antiparticle - (1) One who generalizes (i.e., is anti-particularization); (2) The sister of one of the parents of a particle.

astronomy - a branch of science that has a really high overhead.

Avogadro's Number: Unlisted
Avogadro used to have a number, but his moles kept chewing through the wires to his phone.
(mole - (1) Small rodent-like mammal. (2) An unlisted number of atoms or molecules of a substance. (3) Oops, I mean Avogadro's number of atoms or molecules of that substance. It has something to do with chemistry.)

barometer - Device for measuring the quality of a bar.

black hole - a natural phenomena that sometimes appears inside clothes washers/dryers that contain too many socks.

chemistry - a branch of science that's more elementary than the other branches.
 
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electron - (1) One of those little buggers that run around in your appliances, supplying them with energy; (2) A political slogan for somebody named Ron.

energy - Something I don't have enough of.

general relativity - Study of family trees of high ranking army officers.

imaginary number - A number they thunked up cuz they couldn't think of a real number that'd solve the problem.

irrational number - A number that needs therapy.

microwave - A very small goodbye.

momentum - The property of matter that makes it hard to get up in the morning.

neutrino - A little neutron.

neutron - A tron that isn't old.
 
Posts: 10072 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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odometer - A device for detecting Changlings on your space station.

obfuscation - something that should be eschewed.

OHM - that's where the heart is...
ohm - (1) A unit of resistance; a person who hangs up on telemarketers has more ohms than one who buys stuff. (2) Where your electrician lives.

paleontology - a science in which specialists often have a bone to pick.

particle - One who particularizes.

preposition - Something to not end a sentence with.

proton - Somebody what's in favor of tons.
 
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quote:
preposition - Something to not end a sentence with.

This is the kind of arrant pedantry up with which even I will not put.
 
Posts: 5046 | Location: Queensland, Australia | Mbr Since: 05-05-2017Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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quote:
Originally posted by Allan:
quote:
preposition - Something to not end a sentence with.

This is the kind of arrant pedantry up with which I will not put.


That’s the phrase I was looking for, thanks!
 
Posts: 12889 | Location: Central PA | Mbr Since: 05-14-2017Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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I decided not to notice the split infinitive.
 
Posts: 5046 | Location: Queensland, Australia | Mbr Since: 05-05-2017Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Infinity divided by 2 is still infinity. Duck!   :duck:
 
Posts: 12889 | Location: Central PA | Mbr Since: 05-14-2017Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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