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Devoted...
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Far be it from me to argue.
 
Posts: 5046 | Location: Queensland, Australia | Mbr Since: 05-05-2017Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Picture of Reed N D Dark
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Giggle!
 
Posts: 12889 | Location: Central PA | Mbr Since: 05-14-2017Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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quote:
Originally posted by Reed N D Dark:
Infinity divided by 2 is still infinity. Duck!   :duck:

Is there no end to this? Smile-Big   :D
 
Posts: 10072 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Picture of Reed N D Dark
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quote:
Originally posted by Henry J:
quote:
Originally posted by Reed N D Dark:
Infinity divided by 2 is still infinity. Duck!   :duck:

Is there no end to this? Smile-Big   :D


I’ll get you for that!

Dad had a friend that used to write the equation with the sideways 8 divided by 2. He would ask your answer and then insist the the answer was actually a sideways 4. Better in person, but I think you can visualized it.

—— from here to infinity!
 
Posts: 12889 | Location: Central PA | Mbr Since: 05-14-2017Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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I've never heard of a sideways 4, so I don't know that it even has a meaning.

I think the friend needs to read a book about transfinite set theory. I read one before that went into how to construct the real number system from something more basic - that was fascinating.
 
Posts: 10072 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Picture of Reed N D Dark
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Naw, he knew what he was doing! And, knew that a sideways 4 had no real meaning. He just like pointing out that if you didn’t know the meaning of the sideways 8 you could easily get his answer. I like it because it laughs at some conventions, and it’s just fun!
 
Posts: 12889 | Location: Central PA | Mbr Since: 05-14-2017Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Quark - A Ferengi bartender on a space station.

quark - an odd little habit
[And here I thought a little habit would be an outfit worn by a short nun?]

round tu-it - Something like a square tu-it, but with the corners shaved off. Example usage: "I'll do that when I get a round tu-it."

superconductor - A great employee of a railroad company.

TANGENT - George Hamilton

WATT - an electrical question [That's the current meaning, anyway]

wavelength - How long you wave when saying goodbye to somebody.

ZINC - where you wash the dishes. [It's elementary!]

*****
 
Posts: 10072 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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How many dogs does it take to change a lightbulb?

Golden Retriever:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie:
Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund:
You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler:
Make me.

Lab:
Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Newfoundland:
Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Jack Russell Terrier:
I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Poodle:
I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Cocker Spaniel
Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher:
While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Irish Setter:
Huh?

Boxer:
Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark......

Mastiff:
Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Chihuahua:
Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Irish Wolfhound:
Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover.....

Pointer:
I see it, there it is, there it is, right there....

Greyhound:
It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd:
First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle....

Old English Sheep Dog:
Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?

Hound Dog:
ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz

Cat:
Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the question is: how long will it be before I can expect light?

*****

[Woof! Meow?]
 
Posts: 10072 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Seal Scrolls. If authentic, it would shed light on the question, "Where do pets come from?"

And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him 'DOG'."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.

And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.

And Cat did not care one way or the other.

*****

[Woof! Meow?]
 
Posts: 10072 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again.

He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.

The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes.

The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.

Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.

The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up,moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.

They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path,takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path,jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!" To which the guy responds, "Clever, my foot. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

*****

[Woof?]
 
Posts: 10072 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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ANOTHER A LETTER FROM CAMP

Dear Mom & Dad:

We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Scoutmaster Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty; and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry. He is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets.

He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken.

I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love, Cole

PS How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

*****

(Oh what a tangled Webb did they weave... )
 
Posts: 10072 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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THINGS ONLY A MOM CAN TEACH

1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."

2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ...Don't talk back to me!"

4. My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job"

7. My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

*****
 
Posts: 10072 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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THINGS ONLY A MOM CAN TEACH

8. My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me".

9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

10. My Mother taught me about SEX....
"How do you think you got here?"

11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You're just like your father."

12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand.

14. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE...
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.... Then you'll see what it's like."

*****
 
Posts: 10072 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Joe and Joan were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared," the weather report said.

"You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets."

Joe said, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee.

The next day they were sitting down with their morning cups of coffee. The weather forecast was, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared.

You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets." Again Joe replied, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee.

Two days later, again they're sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast said, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and the power went out and Joe didn't get the rest of the instructions.

He turned to Joan, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Joan?"

Joan replied, "Aw, Joe, just leave the car in the darned garage today."

*****
 
Posts: 10072 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year.

If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface.

This would explain the death of the dinosaurs.

The tallest ones, anyway.

*****
 
Posts: 10072 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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DIVINE TECH SUPPORT

"Excuse me, sir."

"Is that you again, Moses?"

"I'm afraid it is, sir."

"What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems?"

"How did you guess?"

"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?"

"Oh, yeah. I forgot."

"Tell me what you want, Moses."

"But you already know. Remember?"

"Moses!"

"Sorry, sir."

"Well, go ahead, Moses. Spit it out!"

"Well, I have a question, sir. You know those ten things you sent me."

"You mean the commandments, Moses?"

"That's it. I was wondering if they were important."

"What do you mean 'were important', Moses? Of course, they are important. Otherwise I wouldn't have sent them to you."

"Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them, but of course you would see right through that."

"What do you mean 'you lost them'! Are you trying to tell me you didn't save them, Moses?"

"No, sir. I forgot."

"Well, my son always saves, Moses."

"Yeah, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot. I did send them to some people before I lost them though. "

"And did you hear back from any of them?"

"You already know I did."

"What about the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not'. Can he change the words a little bit?"

"Yes, Moses. As long as he doesn't change the meaning."

"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh and recommended calling them the Ten Suggestions or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?"

"Moses, I'll act like I didn't hear that."

"I think that means, 'no'. Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?"

"I think that is spamming, Moses."

"Oh, yeah. I e-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."

"And what he did say?"

"You know what he said. He used your name in vain. You don't think he might have sent me one of those plagues and that's the reason I lost those ten things, do you?"

"They're called viruses, Moses."

"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we just go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but I never lost them."

"We'll do it the new way, Moses."

"I was afraid you would say that, sir."

"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"

"You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the computer."

"It's a mouse, Moses. Mouse! And did you do that?"

"No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff than you, and I really like your hours. By the way, sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"

"No, Moses."

"One other thing. Why didn't you name them frogs instead of mice, because didn't you tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"

"I didn't name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a beatnik if you want to."

"Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, sir? I bet some woman told him to call it a mouse. After all, wasn't it a woman who named one of the computers Apple?"

"Say goodnight, Moses."

"Wait a minute, sir. I am stretching out the mouse and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the ten things have come back."

"Which ones are they, Moses?"

"Let's see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and 'Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbor's wife.'"

"Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone tablets...

...How does 'Same Day Air' sound?"

*****
 
Posts: 10072 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Technical terminology:

486.... The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art.... Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete.... Any computer you own.

Microsecond.... The time it takes for your State-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

Syntax Error.... "Hello, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."

GUI (pronounced "gooey").... What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.

Computer Chip.... Any starchy foodstuff consumed in mass quantities while programming.

Keyboard.... The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse.... An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy.... The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Hard Drive.... The sales technique employed by most computer salesmen.

Portable Computer.... A device invented to force business people to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash.... A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User.... Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System update.... A quick method of trashing all of your current software.

*****
 
Posts: 10072 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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CAR KEYS
Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.His theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; ( I always call him "honey" in times like these.) "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice. "Are you kidding' me", he barked, "I dropped you off"!!!

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop I didn't steal your car."
 
Posts: 10072 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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GOLF, n.

1. a game that consists of a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic.

2. a game of opposites - the world's slowest people are ahead of you, and the fastest are behind.

3. a colorful sport that keeps you on the green, in the pink, and financially in the red.

4. a game which is allowed to be played on Sunday (under blue laws) because it was not considered a game by the law, but a form of moral effort.

5. is like a love affair - if you don't take it seriously, it's no fun, if you do, it breaks your heart.

6. a game a lot like taxation - you drive hard to get to the green, and then you find yourself in a hole.

GOLF CART, n.
A popular mode of transportation because, unlike a caddie, it can neither count, criticize, nor snicker.

GOLFER, n.
1. a person who yells "fore," takes six, and puts down five;

2. a guy who has the advantage over a fisherman - he doesn't have to bring home anything when he brags he had a great day.

*****
 
Posts: 10072 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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For the engineers among us who understand that the obvious is not always the solution, and that the facts, no matter how implausible, are still facts...

A complaint was received by the Pontiac Division of General Motors:

"This is the second time I have written you, and I don't blame you for not answering me, because I kind of sounded crazy, but it is a fact that we have a tradition in our family of ice cream for dessert after dinner each night. But the kind of ice cream varies so, every night, after we've eaten, the whole family votes on which kind of ice cream we should have and I drive down to the store to get it. It's also a fact that I recently purchased a new Pontiac and since then my trips to the store have created a problem. You see, every time I buy vanilla ice cream, when I start back from the store my car won't start. If I get any other kind of ice cream, the car starts just fine. I want you to know I'm serious about this question, no matter how silly it sounds: 'What is there about a Pontiac that makes it not start when I get vanilla ice cream, and easy to start whenever I get any other kind?'"

The Pontiac President was understandably skeptical about the letter, but sent an engineer to check it out anyway. The latter was surprised to be greeted by a successful, obviously well-educated man in a fine neighborhood. He had arranged to meet the man just after dinner time, so the two hopped into the car and drove to the ice cream store. It was vanilla ice cream that night and, sure enough, after they came back to the car, it wouldn't start.

The engineer returned for three more nights. The first night, the man got chocolate. The car started. The second night, he got strawberry. The car started. The third night he ordered vanilla. The car failed to start.

Now the engineer, being a logical man, refused to believe that this man's car was allergic to vanilla ice cream. He arranged, therefore, to continue his visits for as long as it took to solve the problem. And toward this end he began to take notes: he jotted down all sorts of data, time of day, type of gas used, time to drive back and forth, etc.

In a short time, he had a clue: the man took less time to buy vanilla than any other flavor. Why? The answer was in the layout of the store.

Vanilla, being the most popular flavor, was in a separate case at the front of the store for quick pickup. All the other flavors were kept in the back of the store at a different counter where it took considerably longer to find the flavor and get checked out.

Now the question for the engineer was why the car wouldn't start when it took less time. Once time became the problem -- not the vanilla ice cream -- the engineer quickly came up with the answer:
vapor lock.

It was happening every night, but the extra time taken to get the other flavors allowed the engine to cool down sufficiently to start. When the man got vanilla, the engine was still too hot for the vapor lock to dissipate.

Moral of the story: even insane-looking problems are sometimes real.

*****
 
Posts: 10072 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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It may be that not all of the Y2K computer problems would have been bad ones. Consider the following hypothetical Y2K computerized message:

January 4, 2000

Dear Valued Employee:

Re: Vacation Pay

Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service.

Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.

Sincerely,
Automated Payroll Processing

*****
 
Posts: 10072 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Unfortunately, the reverse would have been true, and your pay would have been too high and needed to be reimbursed. In addition you most likely would have now been underage and the focus of an investigation.
 
Posts: 12889 | Location: Central PA | Mbr Since: 05-14-2017Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Not now, I'm on vacation!

Well, not really.
 
Posts: 10072 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Cruising?
 
Posts: 12889 | Location: Central PA | Mbr Since: 05-14-2017Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Nah, that's not my thing. Never tried it. Most of my vacations before the last few years were to TN, since my relatives are in that area.
 
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