A pastor got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program."
"The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
[Change is inevitable?]
In Honour of Stupid People (part 1 of 3)
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(Damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how???.... )
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well... duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(... and you thought????... )
To be continued...
In Honour of Stupid People, continued
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?
On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and... I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to... what)?
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash) (But wait, aren't peanuts technically legumes?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh... fly Delta?)
Exercise for student: compute the part number of this post.
To be continued...
In Honour of Stupid People, continued
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my stars! was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even chuckle)... in other words send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Only two things are infinite - the universe and human stupidity. And I'm not sure about the former. (Albert Einstein)
The closed mouth gathers no foot.
Stupid is as stupid does (from a guy who could see the Forrest for the trees).
Eschew obfuscation. (Gesundheit!)
"administratium." Administratium has been found to have no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It has, however, 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of mesonlike particles called morons.
The morons are surrounded by vast quantities of leptonlike particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium caused one reaction to take more than four days to complete when it normally could have occurred in less that a second.
Administratium has a half-life of approximately three years. However, it does not decay in the usual way but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places.
In reorganization, some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that administratium is formed spontaneously whenever moron concentration reaches a certain level. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.
Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)
[OK then - Shazbot. ]
Are you tired of all those sissy, mushy "friendship" poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship!
When you are sad... I will get you drunk and will help you plot revenge against the sorry devil who made you sad.
When you are blue... I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
When you smile... I'll know you finally got some.
When you are scared... I will rag you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried... I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
When you are confused... I will use little words to explain it to your dumb butt.
When you are sick... stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
When you fall... I will point and laugh at your clumsy butt.
THOTS TO PONDER, or not...
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
[Hope he wears goggles!]
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
[Well let's see. 97 - 60 = 37, 37 * 365 * 5 = OMG, pick an ocean! Ask Gilligan if he's seen her... ]
One out of every three people is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
[Besides, anybody who sees a psychiatrist must be crazy... ]
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
[Careful what you wish for?]
I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
[Or there is how Niven's Louis Wu character once put it... ]
I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
[Yeah, and it has curves, too.]
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
[Picky, picky, picky!]
When an election goes on this long, call your doctor.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Of course, deja vu isn't what it used to be, either.
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure. [Then again, maybe not.]
I was out walking with my four-year-old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that.
"Because it's been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs."
At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and said, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"
"Uh," I was thinking quickly, " everyone knows this stuff. Um, it's on the Mommy test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."
We walked along in silence for two or three minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "I get it!" she beamed. "Then if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."
Thinly sliced cabbage.
Golf - a long walk ruined.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? [Woof?]
Sign on door: Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
300,000 km/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW. See the light? (aka 186,000 miles/sec)
Why won't melons elope in Las Vegas? They cantaloupe.
William Canby is credited with inventing the first computing scales, which proves that where there's a Will, there's a weigh.
[That's one way to upscale things! And a weigh we go!]
Q: How did the pig with laryngitis feel?
Employees at Midas Mufflers complain that it is exhausting work.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
A friend of mine who commutes to work everyday through the Lincoln Tunnel with a bunch of co-workers recently complained about what a pain it was. I told him that he may have a bad case of "car pool tunnel syndrome."