Every successful Department Store knows that elevators have their ups and downs, but escalators are a step in the right direction.
[Yeah, there's more than one way to get a lift! With an escalator, the riser actually rises!]
In Kentucky, they have equine motels to provide horses with a stable environment.
[Yea or neigh?]
Editing is a rewording activity.
Show me a blacksmith who is making hardware for a bathroom, and I'll show you a man who is forging a head.
When the first marble building was built, everyone took it for granite.
California smog test: Can UCLA?
Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.
Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)
When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
From someplace on internet:
My favorite Turkey recipe
a turkey recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing ingredient -- imagine that.
8 - 15 lb. turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is Good)
1 cup un-popped popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT IS BEST)
Salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.
Place in baking pan making sure the neck end is toward the front of the oven, not the back.
After about 4 hours listen for the popping sounds.
When the turkey's rear end blows the oven door open and the bird flies across the room,.... it's done.
(Warning: Do not try this at home! )
Definition of a paradox: Donald and Daffy.
Definition of a paradox: Ruth and Brothers.
Definition of a paradox: Two medics in an ambulance.
A government committee was formed to investigate the emergence of Ireland as a world financial power. After months of study and deliberation, they determined that it was due to the fact that the country's capitol was always doublin'.
[Must have been all those four leaf clovers.]
A botanist working in South America claims to have discovered a nomadic tree...that's right...it just packs up it's trunk and leaves.
[I dunno; sounds like he might be out on a limb with that one. Or maybe it was an Ent?]
Cats in Physics
1 - Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
2 - Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
3 - Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
4 - Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
5 - Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
6 - Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.
7 - Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
8 - Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
9 - Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
10 - Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
11 - Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.
12 - First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
13 - Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
14 - Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
15 - Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
16 - Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
17 - Law of Bag / Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
18 - Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
19 - Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
20 - Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
21 - Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible.
22 - Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
23 - Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
24 - Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
25 - Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.
But who is this Schrodinger guy, anyway?
Speaking of cows, did you hear about the cow that had so much milk that her milk-pail overflowed.......
It was an udder waste.
[Let us have no moo of that! After all, where's the beef?]
Vern was complaining over his high insurance premiums because of his age and being a bachelor.
"If you got married," teased his buddy Dick, "The premium would be lower."
Vern smiled, "That would be like buying an airline just to get free peanuts."
His wife was in labor with their first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she shouted, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!"
"Doctor", what's wrong with my wife?" he asked.
"She's having contractions, silly."
Whether outwardly or inwardly, whether in space or time, the farther we penetrate the unknown, the vaster and more marvelous it becomes.
Charles A. Lindbergh - Autobiography of Values
If you are interested, take this one over to the Pub and see what develops.
Seems SFA is real.
The people's flag is deepest red It shrouded oft our martyred dead
...Though cowards flinch and traitors sneer We'll keep the red flag flying here
|Never goes away...|
Best you do that Henry j tends to respond to others.
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on a lonesome Texas prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first one says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands."
The second cowboy can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen-foot rattlesnake slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent, silently stirring the coals with his hands.
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read, "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."
"I'm sorry I ever invented the Electoral College."
Saw this one in the men's room at a freeway rest area. It was mounted over the electric hot air hand dryer:
"To hear Bush's next speech, Press button.
Then there was an airline pilot who said to expect turbulence over Washington due to rising currents of hot air. He said that happens a lot over Washington.
While stationed in Washington, D.C., this man used Arlington National Cemetery as a shortcut on his way to give a briefing at Fort Myer. To his surprise he encountered a roadblock manned by the military police. An MP approached him and said in a stern voice, "Are you supposed to be here?"
Unsure of what to say, he replied, "Not yet."
The MP held back a smile and waved him on.