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Enthusiast... |
IRISH VIAGRA
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido. "What about trying Viagra?" Asks the doctor. "Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin." "Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went." It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, beasts and begorrah! T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!" "Really? What happened?" asked the doctor. "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!" "Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"? "Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! 'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in that Starbucks again." ***** Henry |
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Steadfast... |
Fart jokes . . . . . always in good taste. I specifically requested a good fart joke. You came through; Spartan failed. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Support President Obama and Our Troops! |
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MVP Sports Dude |
Sorry to disappoint you with the quality of my fart jokes. I guess that's one skill I sadly lack oh I'm so ashamed.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Going to war without the French is like going hunting without an accordion." |
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Steadfast... |
Here's a tip for you, Spartan: practice your fart jokes around the table on Thanksgiving. Right after the prayer would be a great time to repeat patriot's hilarious fart joke, especially if you're, like, going to your girlfriend or fiancee's house on Thursday.
Everybody appreciates a good fart joke. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Support President Obama and Our Troops! |
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MVP Sports Dude |
Actually it might be the right audience... because my two nephews are 7 and 2, and... well, I think even old fart jokes (not to be confused with old fart jokes) would be funny with that crew
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Going to war without the French is like going hunting without an accordion." |
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MVP Sports Dude |
Didja ever stop and think that if Karen Carpenter had eaten half of what Mama Cass did... they'd both still be around?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Going to war without the French is like going hunting without an accordion." |
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Steadfast... |
Associated Press - Yahoo ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Support President Obama and Our Troops! |
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MVP Sports Dude |
Guy is in a bar and he's been drinking all night. He remembers his wife told him he'd get in trouble if she caught him going to the bar again, so he realizes he'd better head home. Unfortunately he goes about two feet and falls over, struggles to get himself back up and goes another couple feet more and falls over again. This keeps up all the way home until, two hours later, bloody and sweating, he manages to practically drag himself back into bed.
Wife says "You were down at the bar again, weren't you?" Guy says "What, that's ridiculous? Why would you say that?" Wife says "cuz they just called and you left your wheelchair there." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Going to war without the French is like going hunting without an accordion." |
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Enthusiast... |
Not sure if that one qualifies as dirty. Tasteless perhaps, but not dirty.
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MVP Sports Dude |
Yeah, well... I kinda thought of this as a "You was warned!" thread
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Going to war without the French is like going hunting without an accordion." |
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Aavid |
A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?"
She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old." The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?" She replies, "Frankly dear, your name never came up." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Drunk with greed and power the Republicans drove the country off a cliff. Now that we are pulling the car out of the abyss, don't give them back the keys. |
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Aavid |
Twin sisters in Sunnyside Nursing Home were turning 100 years old. The local newspaper sends a photographer to take pictures...
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa. The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other. "Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman. Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to each other. "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer. Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!" With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Drunk with greed and power the Republicans drove the country off a cliff. Now that we are pulling the car out of the abyss, don't give them back the keys. |
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Never goes away... |
You better explain this one, croberts. I'm getting ready to call the JDL and when they find you and beat the bejesus out of you, you'll be lucky to fit that undershirt over your swollen head - assuming you ever take it off. Holy Bhagworm ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "When I'm done with you, you'll really know ad nauseam" - Holy Bhagworm |
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Never goes away... |
patriot,
I just loved your joke! I sent it to my mil. Holy Bhagworm ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "When I'm done with you, you'll really know ad nauseam" - Holy Bhagworm |
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Devoted... |
You sent it to your mil?? You must have a mil with a really good sense of humor.
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Never goes away... |
Yes, she does. She embarrasses her sil all the time, with her jokes.
 Holy Bhagworm ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "When I'm done with you, you'll really know ad nauseam" - Holy Bhagworm |
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MVP Sports Dude |
Good stuff BD
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Going to war without the French is like going hunting without an accordion." |
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Steadfast... |
Shut up, Spartan!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Support President Obama and Our Troops! |
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MVP Sports Dude |
What's the cheapest kind of meat?
Deer balls... you can get two under a buck! One day, an eskimo was riding his snowmobile to work and noticed that it was running poorly. He stopped at the repair shop to have them look at it. The repairman said, "We're kind of busy right now, but why don't you go across the street to the cafe and have something to eat, then stop back and see me in a few hours." So the eskimo went to the cafe and returned to the repair shop two hours later. The eskimo asked the repairman, "What did you find?" The repairman said, "I think that you blew a seal." The eskimo replied (after wiping his mouth), "No, I just had ice cream!" A withered, bent-over old man walks into an ice cream shop and orders an ice cream sundae with everything on it. The kid asks "crushed nuts?" The old man says "No, arthritis." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Going to war without the French is like going hunting without an accordion." |
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Enthusiast... |
Hot Woman and Cold Beer
After a particularly rough flight, the airliner pilot addresses his passengers: "The turbulence we passed through was rough, but we are through it now." The pilot was unaware that his PA switch was stuck on, and leaned over to the co-pilot and said "Boy, was that rough! What I need now is a hot woman and a cold beer." A flight attendant in the rear of the aircraft heard this, and ran forward to warn the pilot. As she neared the cockpit, an elderly woman passenger stopped her saying "Don't forget the beer!" Henry |
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AAA+ |
There was once this successful gynecologist who decided to quit medicine and become a mechanic. He went to the top auto mechanics school, enrolled, and started taking a class on engine repair.
At the end of the class, the final exam involved tearing down and rebuilding an engine. A few days after taking the exam, the doctor checked his grades and was dismayed to see a score of 150 percent for his final. Surely, this was some sort of typo! When the doctor caught up with his instructor, he asked about the grade. The instructor smiled and explained "Fifty percent of the grade was for the tear down. You did that perfect, so you got every possible point. Fifty percent was for the rebuild, which you also did perfectly, giving you another fifty points." "But what about the other fifty?" asked the doctor, distressed. The instructor smiled, rubbed his chin and replied "Well, I'd never seen anyone tear down and rebuild an engine by reaching up through the exhaust pipe, so I figured that ought to be worth at least an extra fifty points!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Drill, Baby, Still Standing in the Way of Big Goverment is Not Standing in the Way of Progress It's Not Obama And His Supporters Who Will Decide If Republcans Get The Keys Back. It's The American People. Liz Cheney |
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Never goes away... |
Why would someone who received 150% be "dismayed." It's stupid, croberts. You could have said he was puzzled or inquisitive. But dismayed? You know, this says a lot about you, croberts. I'm dismayed that you're allowed to post here with your stupid idiotic moronic posts. Why can't you just tell a fart joke without commenting? Don't tell anymore jokes, fer chrissakes. Holy Bhagworm ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "When I'm done with you, you'll really know ad nauseam" - Holy Bhagworm |
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MVP Sports Dude |
"Doctor, doctor, you gotta help me, I keep cutting silent farts."
"Here, let me write you a prescription for these pills." "Will these stop me from farting?" "No, they'll open up your ears. Let's fix one problem at a time." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Going to war without the French is like going hunting without an accordion." |
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AAA+ |
Looks like all the worm has to do is follow me around and make insulting remarks. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Drill, Baby, Still Standing in the Way of Big Goverment is Not Standing in the Way of Progress It's Not Obama And His Supporters Who Will Decide If Republcans Get The Keys Back. It's The American People. Liz Cheney |
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MVP Sports Dude |
This guy goes into a pet store and sees a beautiful parrot on sale for $19.95. He thinks this is an amazing deal, so he asks the shopkeeper "Why so cheap? Doesn't he talk?" The shopkeeper says "Oh, he talks. Umm... yeah. No returns by the way."
The guy figures he can't really go wrong for 20 bucks so he buys the parrot and takes it home. When he gets to the house the bird does nothing but curse a blue streak. "This place is a craphole! This place is a craphole!" He's especially embarrased when company comes over. "Your mother's a whore. She's a slut. She's a whore and a slut." He buys tapes to try and teach the bird other words. He tries putting a sheet over the cage, nothing works... it curses all day and all night. Finally in frustration he grabs the bird by the wings and throws it in the freezer to make a point. He hears the bird cursing worse than ever, than he finally slows down and stops. The guy is afraid he might have killed the poor thing, so he opens the door. The parrot looks at him and says "I realize that some of my behavior and language may have been inappropriate, and for that I am deeply sorry, sir, and I will endeavor to reform." The guy is amazed, but stammers out "Okay." The parrot pauses and points back with a wing to the freezer and says "May I please ask, sir... what did the turkey do?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Going to war without the French is like going hunting without an accordion." |
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AAA+ |
Back in the old days a farmer is driving his new bride home in a horse drawn buggy. When the horse suddenly stops the farmer curses the horse out and says "That's One." They continue on down the road and the horse stops again. This time the farmer whips the heck out of the horse and says "That's two. They continue their trip and the horse stops for a third time. This time the farmer pulls out a gun and shoots the horse dead. The new bride exclaims "You cruel thing." The farmer replied with "That's one."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Drill, Baby, Still Standing in the Way of Big Goverment is Not Standing in the Way of Progress It's Not Obama And His Supporters Who Will Decide If Republcans Get The Keys Back. It's The American People. Liz Cheney |
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AAA+ |
A married woman with 2 daughters goes into a pet shop and sees this really attractive green and red parrot for sale for 10 pounds.
The woman asks why the parrot is so cheap? The pet shop owner says that the parrot used to live in a whore house and has learned some really bad language. The woman says this doesn't matter as she will train him to say new words. The woman buys the parrot and takes him home. He is quiet to start with. Later, the woman's daughters come home and the parrot sees them and shouts out "NEW WHORES!" After their initial shock, both the mother and daughters see the funny side and laugh. Later, the grandmother visits and the parrot shouts out "NEW MADAM!". Again they are all shocked but see the funny side eventually. Even later still the husband returns from work and the parrot sees him, and shouts out "NEW MADAM, NEW WHORES, SAME CUSTOMERS, HI SAM!!!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Drill, Baby, Still Standing in the Way of Big Goverment is Not Standing in the Way of Progress It's Not Obama And His Supporters Who Will Decide If Republcans Get The Keys Back. It's The American People. Liz Cheney |
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AAA+ |
A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I bought these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?", the priest asked. "They only know how to say: Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" "That's terrible", the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase." So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, "Put the bibles away. Our prayers have been answered!" http://hem.bredband.net/brucam/historier/parrot.htm Edited by C Roberts ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Drill, Baby, Still Standing in the Way of Big Goverment is Not Standing in the Way of Progress It's Not Obama And His Supporters Who Will Decide If Republcans Get The Keys Back. It's The American People. Liz Cheney |
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MVP Sports Dude |
CRo... can't say I know that one --- but there is this.
A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You are to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy, and they did it all for the nookie. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing." The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. If the tent is a-rockin', don't bother knockin'. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing." The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! bring me the P-O-S-S-E!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Going to war without the French is like going hunting without an accordion." |
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AAA+ |
John: See my edited post.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Drill, Baby, Still Standing in the Way of Big Goverment is Not Standing in the Way of Progress It's Not Obama And His Supporters Who Will Decide If Republcans Get The Keys Back. It's The American People. Liz Cheney |
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Aantares Aantares BB Your Etc. Forums Free Exchange: Friction, Flames & Feuds Your best dirty jokes...© 2003-2010 Aantares Online LLC. All Rights Reserved.