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MVP Sports Dude |
Why couldn't the Australian coach make it to the Gay Olympics? He got stuck in Sydney. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Going to war without the French is like going hunting without an accordion." | |||
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| Devoted... |
From another BB:
Henry | |||
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| MVP Sports Dude |
First time I heard this joke was in the movie Predator... "I was going down on my girlfriend the other day, and I said "Damn you've got a big pussy. Damn you've got a big pussy." She said "Why did you have to say that twice?" I said "I didn't." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Going to war without the French is like going hunting without an accordion." | |||
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| Devoted... |
It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotise each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want each of you to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "SH1T!" screamed the hypnotist. It took three weeks to clean up the theatre and get rid of the smell. Henry | |||
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Constant... |
Henry, I don't understand that one.  What is so dirty about his watch breaking.Maria Anne P.S. I really shouldn't be on this thread. I don't catch dirty jokes well in English. The ones I know don't translate well either. | |||
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| Devoted... |
That joke was really funny! Maria Anne ... are you serious? I'm going to feel silly if you were kidding ... but, when the watch broke, the hypnotist uttered an expletive that is also a verb for fornicating, and the entire hypnotized audience obeyed his directive. | |||
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| Constant... |
Sorry, yes I was serious. I just didn't get it. I'll get off this threat now. I don't catch nuances well in English. Maria Anne | |||
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| MVP Sports Dude |
I have been accused of many things in my day, but being too subtle is not often one of them!  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Going to war without the French is like going hunting without an accordion." | |||
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| Constant... |
I will add one anyway, Okay, my husband told me this joke after he went to Temple. There was this lady in her fifties who had been divorced for 12 years. She decided it was time to start dating again. So, she went to a singles' resort. While she was laying on the beach, A man put down his towel next to her. They started talking. They talked about what types of foods they liked or disliked, etc. Finally, she asked him "Do you like pussy cats?" He rolled over and looked at her and then he rolled on top of her and tore off her bathing suit. They had wild sex and didn't care who else was on the beach. When he rolled off she said " How did you know what I wanted?" And the man said, "How did you know my name was Katz." I actually caught that one. I am leaving now before I embarrass myself anymore. Hey, my husband has gotten into the habit when we are out with friends not to tell me jokes. I hardly ever catch them. Maria Anne | |||
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| Devoted... |
Re "the hypnotist uttered an expletive that is also a verb for fornicating" No, it was a synonym for "poop". Hence the amount of time needed to clean up and get rid of the smell. Henry | |||
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| Devoted... |
WAIT!! No need to be sorry! I just didn't want to offend, in either case. Your explanation for not understanding it made perfect sense. | |||
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Alrighty, I used some numerology to get a key word unstarred.  | |||
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| Devoted... |
Oh, yes, that makes more sense. Although I think I like the visual on my interpretation better. | |||
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| Never goes away... |
Hey, patriot's rhyme with "duck" works very well too - in fact, it's even funnier. Although the idea of the funky smell was a bit disconcerting. Holy Bhagworm | |||
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| Never goes away... |
Maria Anne, I liked your joke about Katz. Holy Bhagworm | |||
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Forum Host |
A red headed woman of a certain age was enjoying her dinner at a nice restaurant. Suddenly she began to choke, some food had become lodged in her throat. A gentleman, also dining alone, at a nearby table rushed over, stood behind this lady and performed the Heimlich maneuver. He was successful, however, this woman also had a prosthetic eye which popped out along with the lodged bit of food. The gentleman had fast reflexes and caught the woman's glass eye in his hand. After she regained her composure she asked the gentleman to join her at her table which he did. The two hit it off so well the woman invited the gentleman to her home, they had hot sex and in the morning the gentleman awakened to find the woman cooking up a breakfast that smelled delicious. As he entered the kitchen, she stood at the stove preparing the breakfast. The woman commented to the gentleman that she wanted him to know that she most certainly was not in the habit of meeting men at restaurants, inviting them home and having sex with them. The gentleman then asked her what it was then that caused her to bring him home with her? She calmly commented, "You caught my eye." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  John ...it appeares no other thing to mee, then a foule and pestilent congregation of vapours. What a piece of worke is a man! | |||
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| Never goes away... |
Not bad, John. I need to know, however, why was the woman in this particular joke a redhead? Usually, when a joke starts off describing a woman, e.g. a blond, you know right away that it's going to be a generalization about blonds. Holy Bhagworm | |||
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| Devoted... |
Subject: Saying good night to Mother You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one... A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned on the answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scooted back into the house. They didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tried to eat the bird. The wife got into the taxi while the husband went back inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, the wife didn't want the driver to know the house would be empty for the night. She explained to the taxi driver that her husband would be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodnight to my Mother." A few minutes later, the husband got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long, he said as they drove away.. "Stupid b*tch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. but it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!" The cab driver hit a parked car... Henry | |||
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| Never goes away... |
Henry, That's 5 Stars!!  Holy Bhagworm | |||
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| Devoted... |
A man walks into the psychiatrist's office and says, "Doctor, I work down the street at the pickle processing plant and lately I've developed this almost uncontrollable urge to stick my p*n*s in the pickle slicer." The doctor says, "This is quite serious, we must get you into counseling immediately!" Every day for two weeks, the two meet until the psychiatrist finally feels that his patient has mastered his compulsion to stick his p*n*s in the pickle slicer. A few days pass and the doctor receives a phone call from the pickle plant worker. The man is extremely upset and there are sounds of commotion in the background. "Doc, I'm so sorry. I really thought you?d cured me, but today here at work, that old feeling came back and I just couldn't control myself and, yes, I stuck my p*n*s in the pickle slicer. This so terrible -- they fired me and I let you down." "Don't worry about that," replies the doctor, "what happened with, a, you know, the pickle slicer?" "Oh, they fired her, too." ========================== Henry | |||
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| Forum Host |
> Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't > prepared for the answer. In a trial a Southern small-town prosecuting > attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to > the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" > > She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've > known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big > disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you > manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think > you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never > will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know > you." > > The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed > across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense > attorney?" > > She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley > since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a > drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone > and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to > mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of > them was your wife. Yes, I know him." > > The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both > counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, > "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you BOTH > to the electric chair." > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ John ...it appeares no other thing to mee, then a foule and pestilent congregation of vapours. What a piece of worke is a man! | |||
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Shocking! | |||
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| MVP Sports Dude |
How do you know the Viagra Bob Dole is taking is really working? Liddy's got pen marks on her back. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Going to war without the French is like going hunting without an accordion." | |||
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| Devoted... |
Too funny An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?" The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the @#%$ out of a ghost." Happy Halloween ========================== Henry | |||
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| Constant... |
Okay, I will do another one. An old man walks into a Catholic confession box. He says "Father, I have something to tell you." The priest said "what is it my child." The old man said, "Father I have to tell you that I had sex with three beautiful women last night." The priest said, "I see, and how long has it been since your last confession." The old man said, "Oh, I am not Catholic father" The priest said, " Then why are you telling me this" The old man said, "Hell I am telling everybody!!!!!!!!" I heard that one when I was a school girl in France. It was funny in French, anyway. | |||
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| MVP Sports Dude |
Mon dieu!  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Going to war without the French is like going hunting without an accordion." | |||
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| Devoted... |
How do you make holy water? Put it in a pot on the stove, and boil the h3ll out of it. | |||
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| MVP Sports Dude |
A mailman is making his usual rounds. As he approaches one particular house, the wife opens the door in a barely-there negligee. Without a word, she leads him in the house, up the stairs, and they go at it Discovery Channel style. When it's done, she reaches into the bureau and gets $10 for him. He says "What's that for?" She says "Well, yesterday I reminded my husband it was almost Christmas, and asked what he thought I should give you as a present. And he said '**** him. Give him ten bucks.'" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Going to war without the French is like going hunting without an accordion." | |||
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| Devoted... |
Tickle me, Elmo There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..." "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles." Henry | |||
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| MVP Sports Dude |
A little boy accidentally catches his mother and father making love. Afterwards, the boy asks his mom what hey were doing. She's not ready to tell the little boy about the facts of life, so she makes up a story. "Well, you know how your Dad is getting a bit of a belly? Well I was sitting on him trying to flatten the air out." The boy says "Well that won't work." The mom asks "Why not?" He says "Because last week the lady from next door was here and she was blowin' air into him." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Going to war without the French is like going hunting without an accordion." | |||
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