Oops!!

But after all, to air is human, right?

This is one of my mom's favorites --- she's an elementary school teacher...

they were writing out little papers, and one child raised his hand and asked her "how do you spell sex?"

My mother was of course a little flustered, but she asked "W-Why do you want to know?"

He said "Well the word is insects, and I have the N, so now I just need to add sex."

So, watch out for Nsex

Then there was a woman who who wondered if people wanted seconds at dinner, so she asked: "Anybody want secs?"

How many bugs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Still just two. The hard part is getting them in there.

A man is standing in a bar looking across the bar at a pack of women.

Suddenly the girls hear the man yelling over, "Jillette! Jillette! Jillette!"

He won't stop. Finally one of the women walks over and says "Uhhh I don't know if you're confused or something... but none of us are named Jillette."

He says "Oh, I know that. That's just what I'd use to shave your... hey, where are you going???"

Shave those thangs, Spartan. I hope you shave your butt and chest some, if you want some action. Unless, of course, you like Armenian chicks.

Holy Bhagworm

Subject: True Story - Greek MASTERCARD WEDDING - PRICELESS!!
Date: Thu, 29 Dec 2005 21:58:56 -0500

You gotta love this guy! This is a true story about a recent Greek wedding that took place in Astoria, NY. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.
It was a large wedding with about 600 guests... At the reception after the wedding, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from Greece, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was an envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his new bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here. You people could stay here and celebrate with that PUTANA." He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.
While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong. His revenge: Making the bride's parents pay over $92,000 for a 600 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 600 friends and family members. This guy has balls the size of church bells. Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this ? Let's give it a try...

---Elegant wedding reception for 600 family members and
friends.........$92,000
---Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion.....$4,000
---Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations on Mykonos Island....$8,500
---The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride and the best man having sex..........Priceless!

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD.

Henry

quote:

Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations on Mykonos Island....$8,500

Hell, we spent more than that for 4 nights in NYC without really trying.

Holy Bhagworm

Subject: AAA Batteries

True or not, this gave me belly laughs!!!

To give you some background information, Greg, the author of this email, is 58 years old about 6'3", 220 lbs and, contrary to this story, he's usually quite intelligent. LOL

Dear Friends,
My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to "Well, I have outdone myself once again." No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Life Time movie in the near future. Here goes:

Last weekend I spied something at the pawn shop that tickled my fancy. ( keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled ). I bought something really cool for my wife. The occasion was our 12th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of
high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out - way
cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arc between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for
effect.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so.
Awesome!!!
Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yip-peeeeee! I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have
yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the dog) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a second, but then I thought better of it. She is such a sweet pup, after all.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time. So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, Taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your
assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, the dog looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

(Sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?).

I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it ( you know, a bad decision is like hindsight-- always 20/20. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?).

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY ***** !!
I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position.

The dog was standing over me making sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, please do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Taser, one note of caution.. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't lodge the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been
shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward.

Henry

Date: 2006/03/23 Thu AM 10:04:20 EST
Subject: Hung Chow... : )

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, weally sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss said, "You know, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like that, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. She makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try it.

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great! I be at work soon. You got nice house."

============================

Subject: Fw: Cake or Bed

CAKE OR BED

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOK AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE, THEN THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK.

I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS. HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO.

I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.

I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS??

FOR A COUPLE OF? HOURS?

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?

SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

.
.
.

SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO...

DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO!

Henry

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned"

"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile.

"Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself."

"BUT, your Honor, when she moved the 4th time & sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'...

I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

=====================================

Henry

Subject: Home Depot Joke

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says,"Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.

=====================================

Henry

Here's another one where I remember the punchline, and am trying to fill in what the original joke was.

A kid from the city moves to a country town, and is understandably nervous about how to talk to the local girls. Would they talk to him even though he was cityfolk? What should he talk to them about?

A friend agreed to take him out line dancing, and even gave him a good starter line to use on country girls. He was instructed to walk up to girls in the bar and say "Nice boots, wanna knock'em?"

The first encounter didn't go particularly well. The guy was nervous, tapped a girl on the shoulder and promptly forgot what he was supposed to say. He looked at her and said "Nice shoes. Wanna ****?"

Ole, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him in Minnesota for paintings.

One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude.
This was the first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful lady said money was no object; she was willing to pay $50,000.

Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Ole asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Lena, his missus.

In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, "Ya, shoor, you betcha. I'll paint ya in da nude, but I'll haff 'ta leave my socks on so I'll have a place to wipe my brushes."

==========================================

Henry

Heartwarming Story

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time...

A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next-door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."

My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those #ss##l## at Home Depot ever deliver the f####n sheet rock..."

Kind of brings a tear to the eye

=====================================

Henry

quote:

Ole, while not a brilliant scholar

quote:

Ya, shoor, you betcha.

UFF DA!!

 

Likely this is my all-time favorite joke...

==========================================================================


President Nixon was strolling the White House grounds after a new snow fall when he steps into the Rose Garden. There he sees someone has "written" in the snow "F--k Nixon!"

Enraged, Nixon races back to the Oval Office and picks up the FBI hot line... "I want to know who did this terrible thing and I want to know NOW!" he roars to the FBI Director.

Ten minutes later the hot line rings. The FBI Director says "Mr. President, sir, I have GOOD news for you and BAD news.

The GOOD news is we know who did it: it was Henry Kissinger.
































The BAD news, sir, is: it was in Pat's handwriting."
 

A friend of mine and I were talking about the news that Britney is newly bald. I'd mentioned I saw the pictures and it wasn't a good look.

He said "Just think how many people went to the web searching for "Britney shaved" and were disappointed with what came up!"

So, has Britney ever done anything besides get in the tabloids?

quote:

Originally posted by Henry J:
So, has Britney ever done anything besides get in the tabloids?

Oh, you can argue talent, but you can't argue the fact that she's had a very successful musical career. Dozens of hit singles, including several number ones.

They say that in his last days, Jeffrey Dahmer in prison managed to secure a Walkman and would listen to the same song over and over again.

Rumor is the song was "Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you."

A guy hears a rumor one day that his city has a secret Big Dicks Club, that only particularly well-endowed men are allowed to join. Well, he's never had any complaints, and figures he's a decent candidate, so he looks into it and finds out where the club is located.

He walks down there and sees an unmarked door, with a plain-dressed man standing in front of it.

"Uhhh, is this the Big Dicks Club?" the guy asks.

"You'd better just go home now, save yourself the trouble." the man mutters.

"What? Why would you say something like that? That's awfully presumptious."

"Well," he paused, "See that lump in my shoe? I'm just the janitor."

Viagra

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, a cup of fresh coffee?"

He declines. "It's this viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?"

He declines. "It's this viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At dinner time, She asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the café and buy him a hamburger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch" Or how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes....?

He declines. "Again thanks, but it's this viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well then," She says, "Would you mind getting off me? Im' really STARVING!"

Henry

Here's a good one you can tell at parties, because it breaks nearly all the subjects you aren't supposed to talk about

Two old Irish ladies are sitting on the porch across the street from a whorehouse.

They see a Baptist minister walk in the front door. "Ay, 'tis a shame to see a man of the faith go astray to sins of the flesh", one of the ladies says scornfully.

A few minutes later they see a rabbi walk in the front door. "Truly, you would expect a man or religion not to partake in such heathenry."

A while later they see a Catholic priest walk in the front door. "Oh dear... one of the poor girls must be sick!"

Two guys are sitting in a bar, well into the evening.

One turns to the other and says "15 minutes left before the aliens destroy the Earth... what are you gonna do?"

Guy says "Boy, I would **** anything that moves. How about you?"

"Ummm... apparently I'm going to sit perfectly still."

Good answer, I reckon, huh?

What commonly used English word starts with F, ends with -UCK, is known to just about everyone over the age of 9, and is most frequently heard on the streets of big cities?



why, firetruck of course.

What were you thinking?

Yep, I saw one of those f****k leave its home base earlier this evening, and head down the street (on the wrong side of the street until it reached an intersection, cause the right side was jam packed with cars) making noise as it went.

Henry

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi . . You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job".

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

The guy says, "You're bull$#!++ing me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

=========================