Aantares    Aantares BB  Hop To Forum Categories  Your Etc. Forums  Hop To Forums  Free Exchange: Friction, Flames & Feuds    Your best dirty jokes...
      Page: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 
Go To
Post
Search BB
Notify Me
TOS/Tools/Smilies
Reply
  
Your best dirty jokes...
 Login/Register
 
Devoted...
Posted Hide Post
From another BB:

quote:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating.

I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.

The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Ed! the garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."

You know where the button is," I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"

"I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was, but not without consequence.

I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances.

Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink.

At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed.

Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step manner.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.

Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter.

At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk.

"What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"

If they had only known!!

 
Posts: 5367 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Devoted...
Posted Hide Post
quote:
The Urinal Is Too High.

A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip at the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boy's up one by one holding onto their wee wees to direct the flow. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in the 4th grade.'

'No, ma'am, ' he replied. 'I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh.


Oops!!

Henry
 
Posts: 5367 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Forum Host
Picture of JKennedy
Posted Hide Post

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."


She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

John

...it appeares no other thing
to mee, then a foule and pestilent congregation of vapours.
What a piece of worke is a man!

 
Posts: 4553 | Location: New England | Mbr Since: 09-22-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Devoted...
Posted Hide Post
Web... tangled... weave... LOL!   :lol:

Henry
 
Posts: 5367 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Devoted...
Posted Hide Post
quote:
The cowboy

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.' The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o 'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'


Henry
 
Posts: 5367 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Forum Host
Picture of JKennedy
Posted Hide Post
This letter was sent to the principal's office after an elementary school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady had received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize, and was writing to say thank you.

Dear Faculty and Students,


God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens' luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at an assisted home for the aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio. Before I received this one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day, her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of little pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and told her to **** off.
Bless you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,
Agnes Patricia Miller Hill
Naples , Florida


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

John

...it appeares no other thing
to mee, then a foule and pestilent congregation of vapours.
What a piece of worke is a man!

 
Posts: 4553 | Location: New England | Mbr Since: 09-22-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Forum Host
Picture of JKennedy
Posted Hide Post
This seems to fit here so (it arrived an e-mail)...

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America:
Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.'
(OR TEXANS AS HILLJACKS)

You must now refer to us as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore ...

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
'BREASTED AMERICAN.'

2. She is not a 'SCREAMER' or a 'MOANER' - She is 'VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.'


3. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

4. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

5. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

6. She is not an 'AIRHEAD' - She is 'REALITY
IMPAIRED.'

7. She does not get 'DRUNK' or 'TIPSY' -
she gets 'CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED'

8. She does not have 'BREAST IMPLANTS' - She is 'MEDICALLY ENHANCED.'

9. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

10. She is not a 'TRAMP' - She is 'SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.'

11. She does not have 'MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS' - She is 'PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.'

12. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER..'


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1.. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN..'

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He is not a 'CRADLE ROBBER' - He prefers 'GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.'

6. He does not get 'FALLING-DOWN DRUNK' - He becomes 'ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.'

7. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of 'RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

8. He is not a 'MALE CHAUVINIST PIG' - He has 'SWINE EMPATHY.'

9. He is not afraid of 'COMMITMENT' - He is 'RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED.'

10. He is not 'HORNY' - He is 'SEXUALLY FOCUSED.'

11. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE'

Please use your best judgment when referring to these people, so as to make it more comfortable for the rest of us.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

John

...it appeares no other thing
to mee, then a foule and pestilent congregation of vapours.
What a piece of worke is a man!

 
Posts: 4553 | Location: New England | Mbr Since: 09-22-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
MVP Sports Dude
Picture of John Spartan
Posted Hide Post
What's the hardest part about rollerblading?

Telling your parents you're gay.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Going to war without the French is like going hunting without an accordion."
 
Posts: 9642 | Location: South Florida | Mbr Since: 09-29-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Aavid
Posted Hide Post
The easiest way for a women to get a man
Bring food.
Show up naked..


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
whyisit
 
Posts: 26940 | Location: West Coast | Mbr Since: 10-16-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Forum Host
Picture of JKennedy
Posted Hide Post
Second Opinion!

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under th e knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

T he salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'


New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

John

...it appeares no other thing
to mee, then a foule and pestilent congregation of vapours.
What a piece of worke is a man!

 
Posts: 4553 | Location: New England | Mbr Since: 09-22-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
MVP Sports Dude
Picture of John Spartan
Posted Hide Post
What's the difference between a voter and a homosexual?

A voter picks leaders.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Going to war without the French is like going hunting without an accordion."
 
Posts: 9642 | Location: South Florida | Mbr Since: 09-29-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Devoted...
Posted Hide Post
Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm."

"Mutual orgasm here and mutual orgasm there. That's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"

Mabel thought for a few minutes. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we always had State Farm."

Henry
 
Posts: 5367 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Devoted...
Posted Hide Post
quote:

I'm SOOOOOOO embarrassed!!!

An old lady was standing at thre railing of the
cruise ship holding her hat tight
so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam.
I do not intend to be forward
but did you know that your dress
is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady.
"I need both my hands
to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are
not wearing any panties
and your privates are exposed!"
said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down,
then back up at the man and replied,
"Sir, anything you see down there
is 85 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!"


Henry
 
Posts: 5367 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Steadfast...
Picture of Gus Rodgers
Posted Hide Post
What has six Hooters, a Boehner, and no place to take a dump?

Cincinnati and Dayton


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Newt Gingrich for President, Ron Paul for Vice President

Legalize Heroin on the Moon!
 
Posts: 15331 | Location: Dacron, Ohio | Mbr Since: 05-19-2004Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Forum Host
Picture of JKennedy
Posted Hide Post

> *Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis)**
> / /
> /Garden Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis)
> can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.
> Here's why: A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants.
> During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them
> indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
> It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one
> of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife
> saw it go under the sofa.
> She let out a very loud scream! The husband (who was taking a shower)
> ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She
> told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on
> his hands and knees to look for it.
> About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind.
> He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on
> the floor. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him
> up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
> The attendants rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded
> him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.
> About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the
> Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the
> stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in
> the hospital.
> The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she
> called on a neighbour man.
> He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up
> newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was
> gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
> But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where
> she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the
> snake rushed back under the sofa.
> The neighbour man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR
> to revive her.
> The neighbour's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the
> grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and
> slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned
> goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it
> needed stitches.
> The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbour
> lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that
> he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen and got a
> small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
> By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled
> the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were
> about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all
> happened over a little green snake.
> The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbour and his
> sobbing wife.
> The little snake again crawled out from under the sofa. One of the
> policemen drew his gun and fired at it.
> He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell
> over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke it started a
> fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames,
> and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog
> who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming
> car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
> Meanwhile, the burning drapes, were seen by the neighbours who called
> the fire department.
> The firemen had started raising the fire truck ladder when they were
> halfway down the street.
> The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the
> electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block
> area (but they did get the house fire out)./* /*Time passed! Both men
> were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog
> came home, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their
> world.
> A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a
> cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought
> they should bring in their plants for the night.*/ /*That's when he
> shot her*/


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

John

...it appeares no other thing
to mee, then a foule and pestilent congregation of vapours.
What a piece of worke is a man!

 
Posts: 4553 | Location: New England | Mbr Since: 09-22-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Devoted...
Posted Hide Post
 
Posts: 5367 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Forum Host
Picture of JKennedy
Posted Hide Post
Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt .'

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: 'Gosh, I remember these.

SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor, right?




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

John

...it appeares no other thing
to mee, then a foule and pestilent congregation of vapours.
What a piece of worke is a man!

 
Posts: 4553 | Location: New England | Mbr Since: 09-22-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Forum Host
Picture of JKennedy
Posted Hide Post

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than 'going blind!')
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there
any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

(Is the USA a great country or what?
Well, not as great as Guam !)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for these tests?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of???)

(Did our government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

John

...it appeares no other thing
to mee, then a foule and pestilent congregation of vapours.
What a piece of worke is a man!

 
Posts: 4553 | Location: New England | Mbr Since: 09-22-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Devoted...
Posted Hide Post
quote:

A Congresswoman gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's happening?" she asks.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.

The Congresswoman rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son rushes in and hollers, "Mommy! Mommy! -- Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"

The Congresswoman slams the phone down and storms upstairs Into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.

"You rotten %%@++," she screams. "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"


Henry
 
Posts: 5367 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Devoted...
Posted Hide Post
quote:
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said: "You graduated from the University of Tennessee , and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied: "Everything but my earrings."
 
Posts: 5367 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Devoted...
Posted Hide Post
Good Ol' Boys...

Two good ol' boys in a Tennessee trailer park were sittin' around talkin' one afternoon over a cold beer
After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and put it to your wife while you was off huntin ' and she got pregnut and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinkin' real hard about the question. Finally, he says, ....."Well, I don't know about kin, but it sure would make us even."
 
Posts: 5367 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Devoted...
Posted Hide Post
quote:
When you're from the country you look at things a little different

A Wyoming rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is yer Dad home?" the rancher asked. "No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town." "Well," said the rancher, "Is yer Mom here?" "No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself. "Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if ya want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that", he finally conceded. "If it helps ya any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."


Henry
 
Posts: 5367 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Forum Host
Picture of JKennedy
Posted Hide Post
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good
manners, asked her students the following question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'
Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.'
'What about you, Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom
at the dinner table.'
'And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us
your good manners?'
'I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have
to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, to whom I hope to
introduce you to after dinner.''
The teacher fainted


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

John

...it appeares no other thing
to mee, then a foule and pestilent congregation of vapours.
What a piece of worke is a man!

 
Posts: 4553 | Location: New England | Mbr Since: 09-22-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
AAA+
Picture of Florida Righty
Posted Hide Post
A woman goes into a store and asks the clerk if he has nuts.

He replies no.

She then asks if he has dates.

He replies if I had nuts I'd have dates.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Drill, Baby, Still

Standing in the Way of Big Goverment is Not Standing in the Way of Progress

Nothing Would Be Green Without CO2

 
Posts: 66854 | Location: Sunny Florida | Mbr Since: 10-06-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Devoted...
Posted Hide Post
quote:

An interesting way to conserve...

A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically alter their life-style.

"If you'll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef."

"Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener."


Henry
 
Posts: 5367 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Forum Host
Picture of JKennedy
Posted Hide Post
Hymn #365
> >
> > This is a hoot, but I suspect the minister didn't appreciate it.
> >
> > A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said,
> > 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
> >
> >
> > With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had all the wine in the
> > world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
> >
> > And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, 'And if I had all
> > the whiskey in the world,I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
> >
> > Sermon complete, he sat down.
> >
> > The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly
> > laughing, 'For our closing song,let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the
> > River.'
> >
> > Smile, life is too short not to!
> >
> >
> >


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

John

...it appeares no other thing
to mee, then a foule and pestilent congregation of vapours.
What a piece of worke is a man!

 
Posts: 4553 | Location: New England | Mbr Since: 09-22-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
AAA+
Picture of Florida Righty
Posted Hide Post
Fart Football



An old married couple no sooner hit the pillow when the old man passes gas and said. “Seven Points”



His wife rolls over and says. “What the hell was that?”



The old man replied. “It’s fart football”



A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says. “Touchdown, tie score”



After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says. “Aha, I’m ahead 14 to 7”



Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says. “Touchdown, tie score again.”



Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says. “Field goal, I lead 17 to 14”



Now the pressure is on the old man.



He refuses to get beaten by his wife, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got and accidentally ****s in the bed.



The wife says. “What in God’s name was that?”



The old man says. “Half time, switch sides


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Drill, Baby, Still

Standing in the Way of Big Goverment is Not Standing in the Way of Progress

Nothing Would Be Green Without CO2

 
Posts: 66854 | Location: Sunny Florida | Mbr Since: 10-06-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Devoted...
Posted Hide Post
EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
 
Posts: 5367 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Forum Host
Picture of JKennedy
Posted Hide Post
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on the TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,
"Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

******************************************
*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds...'

I bought her a set of scales.

And then the fight started.....

******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...
so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started....

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age... I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office..

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly..
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect..'

And then the fight started.....


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

John

...it appeares no other thing
to mee, then a foule and pestilent congregation of vapours.
What a piece of worke is a man!

 
Posts: 4553 | Location: New England | Mbr Since: 09-22-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Devoted...
Posted Hide Post
Grandma and Grandpa were driving from Washington to Florida to attend their granddaughters graduation from medical school.

Halfway through their trip, they stopped to visit one of their sons in Kansas for a night. Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in the medicine cabinet. He asked his son about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive."

How much?" asked Grandpa. "Around $10.00 a pill," answered the son.

I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, we'll be leaving early in the morning, so I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He immediately called Grandpa on his cell phone and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."

Henry
 
Posts: 5367 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
  Powered by Social Strata       Page: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8  
 

    Aantares    Aantares BB  Hop To Forum Categories  Your Etc. Forums  Hop To Forums  Free Exchange: Friction, Flames & Feuds    Your best dirty jokes...

© 2003-2012 Aantares Online LLC. All Rights Reserved.