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Aavid |
"I was playing golf with my wife...she hit a beautiful shot onto the green. I shanked my shot into a nearby unfenced cow pasture. She helped me locate my ball...it had fallen smack dab in the middle of a pile of cow manure. I said 'It looks like your hole'. That's why I have a 2-iron up my ass..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If you don't like being called TEABAGGERS we'll be happy to call you KOCHSUCKERS | |||
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A guy goes to the dentist to have a tooth pulled. The dentist asks him if he wants novacaine. He tells the dentist no and that twice in his life he has had worse pain. The dentist pulls the tooth and the guy doesn't flinch. The dentist then asks him about the two other times he has had worse pain. The guy says he was out hunting and got his balls caught in a bear trap. The dentist says that would be very painful and asks about the second time. The guy says when I came to the end of the chain. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Arianna Huffington: Obama’s bin Laden ad “despicable" Standing in the Way of Big Goverment is Not Standing in the Way of Progress Barack Obama Is Loud And Makes You Feel Good But It's Only Hot Air! Much Like A Fart! | |||
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A woman returns a whole chicken to the butcher and tells him it's spoiled. The butcher takes the chicken and smells it. He tells the woman it smells okay to him. The woman tells him to spread the chicken's legs and smell in there. His reply: Even Miss America can't pass that smell test. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Arianna Huffington: Obama’s bin Laden ad “despicable" Standing in the Way of Big Goverment is Not Standing in the Way of Progress Barack Obama Is Loud And Makes You Feel Good But It's Only Hot Air! Much Like A Fart! | |||
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A fireman told his wife that when he wanted to have sex he would give her a one bell signal for her to get undressed and a two bell signal for her to jump in bed. So a couple of days later he gave her the one and two bell signals and they went at it in bed. All of a sudden she shouted three bells, three bells. He asked what the hell does the three bell signal mean? She replied more hose, more hose. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Arianna Huffington: Obama’s bin Laden ad “despicable" Standing in the Way of Big Goverment is Not Standing in the Way of Progress Barack Obama Is Loud And Makes You Feel Good But It's Only Hot Air! Much Like A Fart! | |||
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The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  John ...it appeares no other thing to mee, then a foule and pestilent congregation of vapours. What a piece of worke is a man! | |||
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Ha ha wickedly funny video: http://media.mtvnservices.com/...%26get%3dlast&geo=US ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ John ...it appeares no other thing to mee, then a foule and pestilent congregation of vapours. What a piece of worke is a man! | |||
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OK so how many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? \/ \/ \/ \/ Two, just like always, I just don't know how they get IN there. | |||
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Henry | |||
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A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." - "Did you dance much ?" - "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...." Henry | |||
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Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo. His friend says no, what is it? Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands. Then say, "Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters". Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Arianna Huffington: Obama’s bin Laden ad “despicable" Standing in the Way of Big Goverment is Not Standing in the Way of Progress Barack Obama Is Loud And Makes You Feel Good But It's Only Hot Air! Much Like A Fart! | |||
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Joe and Ellen, after 25 years of marriage, sought counseling. Ellen, tears in her eyes, went on about how she felt unloved, empty, lonely after so many years of neglect. She stood up, crying, pointing at Joe, telling him he never said he loved her any more. The therapist, clearly moved, walked up behind Ellen and began to massage her shoulders. His arms moved around and he unbuttoned her blouse, pulled up her bra, and began to slowly massage her breasts, kissing her softly on her neck. He stopped and sat back down, as did Ellen, her face flush with embarassed excitement. "That, Joe, is what your wife needs, at least three times every week", he said, "if you want to save this marriage". Joe thought a minute, then said "Well, I can drop her off for you on Mondays and Wednesdays, doc, but on Friday I play golf". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Arianna Huffington: Obama’s bin Laden ad “despicable" Standing in the Way of Big Goverment is Not Standing in the Way of Progress Barack Obama Is Loud And Makes You Feel Good But It's Only Hot Air! Much Like A Fart! | |||
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Stay classy, Frighty.  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "There is almost artistic vulgarity in Gingrich's unrepented role as a hired larynx for interests profiting from such government follies as ethanol and cheap mortgages" -- George Will  | |||
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Then there's the one about the two gay truck drivers who pulled over and exchanged loads. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Arianna Huffington: Obama’s bin Laden ad “despicable" Standing in the Way of Big Goverment is Not Standing in the Way of Progress Barack Obama Is Loud And Makes You Feel Good But It's Only Hot Air! Much Like A Fart! | |||
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Three dogs on the leash with their owners waiting in the waiting room at the vet's office. First dog says, "They're having me put to sleep because I keep pooping and peeing all over the house." Second dog says,"They're putting me to sleep because I keep chewing up all the furniture and nothing they've tried makes me stop." They look over at the third dog who finally say's, "My mistress was bent over hanging laundry on the line and I mounted her and humped the hell out of her." First dog says, "So she's having you put to sleep?" "Naw," he replies, "I'm here to have my claws trimmed." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Has anyone seen Schrodinger? ~~~~~~~ History does not long entrust the care of freedom to the weak or the timid. Dwight D. Eisenhower ~~~~ Praise be to the LORD my Rock, who trains my hands for war, my fingers for battle. Psalm 144 verse 1 | |||
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Old Mother Hubbard Went To The Cupboard To Get Her Dog Rover A Bone When She Bent Over Rover Took Over And Gave Her A Bone Of His Own (Andrew Dice Clay) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Arianna Huffington: Obama’s bin Laden ad “despicable" Standing in the Way of Big Goverment is Not Standing in the Way of Progress Barack Obama Is Loud And Makes You Feel Good But It's Only Hot Air! Much Like A Fart! | |||
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LOL I'm shocked! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Has anyone seen Schrodinger? ~~~~~~~ History does not long entrust the care of freedom to the weak or the timid. Dwight D. Eisenhower ~~~~ Praise be to the LORD my Rock, who trains my hands for war, my fingers for battle. Psalm 144 verse 1 | |||
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How To Stop The Gulf Oil Leak: Put A Wedding Ring Around It And It Will Stop Putting Out. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Arianna Huffington: Obama’s bin Laden ad “despicable" Standing in the Way of Big Goverment is Not Standing in the Way of Progress Barack Obama Is Loud And Makes You Feel Good But It's Only Hot Air! Much Like A Fart! | |||
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Murphy's' wife had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,! 'Ain't dat grand, !!' Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !' The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....' Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we aint got done yet, !' The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !' Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?' The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.' Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.' When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, 'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.' She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...' Murph said, 'I'll tell you, ......it's a f””kin' good ting we didn't use dat WD-40. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Arianna Huffington: Obama’s bin Laden ad “despicable" Standing in the Way of Big Goverment is Not Standing in the Way of Progress Barack Obama Is Loud And Makes You Feel Good But It's Only Hot Air! Much Like A Fart! | |||
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A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after and house her neighbor's male dog while they were away on vacation. She had a large house however and believed that she could keep them apart but as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate. Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said. "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw." "Do you think that will work?" she asked. "It just worked on me" he replied. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Arianna Huffington: Obama’s bin Laden ad “despicable" Standing in the Way of Big Goverment is Not Standing in the Way of Progress Barack Obama Is Loud And Makes You Feel Good But It's Only Hot Air! Much Like A Fart! | |||
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A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.... He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. 'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.' 'What's the bad news?' asked the hunter. 'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.' 'Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied. 'Is your sister a plastic surgeon?' 'Not exactly.' answered the doctor. 'She's a flute player in the local symphony and she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Arianna Huffington: Obama’s bin Laden ad “despicable" Standing in the Way of Big Goverment is Not Standing in the Way of Progress Barack Obama Is Loud And Makes You Feel Good But It's Only Hot Air! Much Like A Fart! | |||
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Carl Paladino especially like that one. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Republicans' main complaint is that President Obama hasn't done a good enough job cleaning up Bush's mess. | |||
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Hot and cold sex After his examination, the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?' 'In fact, I do.' said the old man. "After I have sex, I am usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty." After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?' The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?' "Oh, that crazy old *******'' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Arianna Huffington: Obama’s bin Laden ad “despicable" Standing in the Way of Big Goverment is Not Standing in the Way of Progress Barack Obama Is Loud And Makes You Feel Good But It's Only Hot Air! Much Like A Fart! | |||
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An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?" The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will. The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?" She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank." "Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?" The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral." The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?" The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. Before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me." "This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you." That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000 and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished." The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn. Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to let the County bury her!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Arianna Huffington: Obama’s bin Laden ad “despicable" Standing in the Way of Big Goverment is Not Standing in the Way of Progress Barack Obama Is Loud And Makes You Feel Good But It's Only Hot Air! Much Like A Fart! | |||
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The Tall Lady And The Midget: When they were nose to nose his toes were in it and when they were toes to toes his nose was in it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Arianna Huffington: Obama’s bin Laden ad “despicable" Standing in the Way of Big Goverment is Not Standing in the Way of Progress Barack Obama Is Loud And Makes You Feel Good But It's Only Hot Air! Much Like A Fart! | |||
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Lion tamer at the circus gets devoured by the lion so the circus manager puts a help wanted ad in the local paper. Two people show up for the job. One is a tall, slender, drop-dead gorgeous blonde. The other is some dude. So the circus manager says to the blonde, "Okay, honey. Get in that cage with the lion and show me what you can do. And be careful. That lion is a man eater." So the gorgeous blonde struts into the lion cage and takes off all her clothes. The lion immediately jumps down from his stand and walks over to her with his head down. Slowly, he begins to lick her feet, her legs all the way up to the top of her head. Then he lays down by her feet and purrs, whereupon the gorgeous blonde picks up her clothes and comes out of the cage smiling a victorious smile. The circus manager, nearly dumbstruck with amazement looks at the regular dude and asks, "Think you can go in that cage and do any better than that?" Regular dude says, "You bet... but you've got to get that lion out of that cage first." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Has anyone seen Schrodinger? ~~~~~~~ History does not long entrust the care of freedom to the weak or the timid. Dwight D. Eisenhower ~~~~ Praise be to the LORD my Rock, who trains my hands for war, my fingers for battle. Psalm 144 verse 1 | |||
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A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike just the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart along with this note: My Dearest, I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love, Danno P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Has anyone seen Schrodinger? ~~~~~~~ History does not long entrust the care of freedom to the weak or the timid. Dwight D. Eisenhower ~~~~ Praise be to the LORD my Rock, who trains my hands for war, my fingers for battle. Psalm 144 verse 1 | |||
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Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere. Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay. Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?" "Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to a tractor'." [Don't make me come splain this to you! ---Read the last line again, slowly--out loud.] ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Arianna Huffington: Obama’s bin Laden ad “despicable" Standing in the Way of Big Goverment is Not Standing in the Way of Progress Barack Obama Is Loud And Makes You Feel Good But It's Only Hot Air! Much Like A Fart! | |||
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A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room When a young woman with purple hair styled Into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, Entered . . . It was quickly determined that The patient had acute appendicitis, so she was Scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating Table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had Been dyed green and above it there was a Tattoo that read . . . ' Keep off the grass. ' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon Wrote a short note on the patient ' s dressing, Which said ' Sorry . . . Had to mow the lawn. ' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Arianna Huffington: Obama’s bin Laden ad “despicable" Standing in the Way of Big Goverment is Not Standing in the Way of Progress Barack Obama Is Loud And Makes You Feel Good But It's Only Hot Air! Much Like A Fart! | |||
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