How to test the baby's bath:

[1] Put the baby in the water.
[2] If the baby turns red the water is too hot.
[3] If the baby turns blue the water is too cold.
[4] If the baby turns white it needed a bath.

And of course take it out before throwing out the water...

Henry

Spent $50 on E-bay for a penis enlarger.
The bastards sent me a magnifying glass..

The best dirty old joke is ... you.

When Buying Condoms:

Ask the pharmacist where the fitting room is.


(Source: Gary Busey on the Tonight Show)

Guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Five shots of your best bourbon, please barkeep."

Bartender says, "You must be celebrating something important in your life."

Guy replies, "Yeah, my first BJ."

Bartender smiles and says, "I hear THAT! I'll buy you your sixth shot!"

Guy says, "No thanks, barkeep. If the five shots don't get the taste out of my mouth the sixth probably won't."

A middle age woman is laying on the beach and a middle each man came along and laid down near her and proceeded to read a book.

Woman: It's a nice day.
Man: Yes. (Continues to read his book)

Woman: Do you come to the beach often?
Man: No (Continues to read his book)

Woman: My husband died three years ago
Man: That's to bad. My wife died 6 months ago (Continues to read his book)

By now the woman has run out of questions so she blurts out: Do you like pussy cats?
The man gets up and jumps on top of the woman and they have great sex. When the sand
settles she asks the man how he knew what she wanted. His reply: My name is Katz.

(Source: Dustin Hoffman appearing on the Tonight Show)

Pilot accidentally leaves mic on nearing the end of a long transcontinental flight:

To his co-pilot...

Pilot: "Boy am I tired. After this flight I could sure use a stiff martini and a blow job"

Female flight attendant hears the conversation over the cabin loud speaker and quickly runs up the aisle to the cockpit to tell the pilot to turn the mic off.

Passenger sitting in 6A yells at the flight attendant as she runs by:


"Don't forget the martini!"

Shaken, not stirred?

 
Funny and NOT at the same time? I got this, via email, from a very aged friend... you be the judge (no pun intended).

Here is old age at its best

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

--

Vic died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Bob and Dan.

The three men had always done everything together.

Dan arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Dan said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Dan said, 'Nope, ain't Vic '

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Bob in to confirm the identity of the body.

Bob looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.

Roll him over..'

The mortician rolled him over and Bob said, 'No, it ain't Vic '

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Bob said, 'Well, Vic had two ass****s.'

'What? He had two ass****s?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say

'There's Vic with them two ass****s

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Story from a Kansas State Highway Patrol officer:

I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan, KS.

I asked for her driver’s license, registration, and proof of insurance.

The lady took out the required information and handed it to me.

In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and ask if she had a weapon in her possession at this time.

She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box. Something in her body language, or the way she said it made me want to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .357 Magnum in her purse. I then asked her what was she so afraid of. She looked me right in the eye and said, “Not a ****ing thing!”

Reply deleted