I'll start...


Think back, on all those times your mother came in, tucked you into bed at night, maybe gave you a little kiss on the cheek...

Now realize, that some of those times, she'd probably just finished blowing your dad.

UUUUOOOOOOOOWWWW!!! In my best and loudest Soprano's voice.

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said,
'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned"

"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile.

"Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain
myself."

"BUT, your Honor, when she moved the 4th t ime & sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'...

I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

Henry

A woman comes into the doctor's office for examination and he asks her to undress. As she does, he notices she has a giant H across her chest. Curious, he mentions it and she smiles and says "My boyfriend goes to Harvard, and he's such a devoted fan he won't ever take off his Harvard sweater, even when we make love."

The doctor thinks this is a bit odd, but doesn't think much about it until a week later when another woman comes in his office. As she undresses, he notices she has a giant Y across her chest. She smiles and says "My boyfriend goes to Yale, and he's such a devoted fan he won't ever take off his Yale sweater, even when we make love."

Same day a woman walks in his office, begins undressing and has what appears to be a giant M on her chest. The doctor says "Aha! I bet your boyfriend goes to Minnesota?" She looks at him and says "No... my girlfriend goes to Wisconsin."

**Butch The Rooster

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens, called pullets) and eight or ten roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all. John went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of Butch he entered him in the county fair, and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result...the judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on the planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they were'nt paying attention !

--------------------------------------------------

Henry

From nightly news weather report during the winter:

Woman announcer: "So, Bob, where are those six inches you promised me last night?"

I've actually heard of that one! Supposedly really happened... Pittsburgh, I think it was?

Re "Pittsburgh, I think it was?"

No idea where. I think I saw it on one of those blooper shows.

Henry

Purina Diet

I have a Golden Retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Roger Stegman

=============================================================

Henry

How many bugs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, the hard part is just getting them in there.

Not to mention, if somebody turns on the light they could be having a hot time in there...

C'mon Spartan, Tell us a good fart joke.

quote:

C'mon Spartan, Tell us a good fart joke.

Holy Bhagworm

-------

Too funny

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the @#%$ out of a ghost."

Happy Halloween

Roger Stegman

------------------------------------------------

Henry

So Spartan, The Beavers just beat the Trojans. Got any jokes about that?

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me-her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini-skirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

========================================================

Henry

quote:

Originally posted by Heterocephalus:
C'mon Spartan, Tell us a good fart joke.

What's clear, and smells like carrots?


Rabbit farts.


SAVE GAS --- FART IN A JAR!

See how difficult it is to be an executive?

Subject: Why I fired my secretary...

Why I fired my secretary...

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids came into breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!" We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment Jane turns to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into my bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back. "

"OK." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake....

Followed by my wife, kids, and a dozen of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday."

And I just sat there....

On the couch....

Naked.

==============================================

Henry

That is way funny, thanks. Just sat there, naked.

A guy wakes up in bed, with one of his worst hangovers ever.

Slowly the haze begins to lift. He remembers his wife said if he came home drunk again she'd tear him a new one. He looks over at his dresser and sees his robe folded neatly, a glass of water, two aspirin, and a little cursive note that said "Hope you feel better, honey."

He thinks this is odd, and gets up to stumble to the door. He remembers that as he was coming home the night before he threw up all over the hallway. Dreading the site, he hesitates before opening the door... and sees everything is neatly scrubbed and cleaned spotless. As he goes down the hallway, he can tell his wife is cooking bacon and eggs and sausage for him.

He scratches his head and says "I don't understand, you said if I came home drunk agan you'd leave me, and last night I was worse than ever."

She looks at him and says "Well, yes, I was pretty upset... till I was taking your pants off in the bed last night and you said 'Dammit, leave me alone, lady, I'm married."

Ah - Saying the right thing at the right time ... priceless.

There was a young girl from Bayonne
Who went to the dentist alone
And in his depravity
He filled the wrong cavity
My gosh how his practice has grown.

==============================================

Henry

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up"? God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, brow lift, lip enhancement, boob job, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit by an ambulance and killed. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?

God replied, "Girrrlllllll, I didn't even recognize you!"

Every morning, a man goes into work in the morning, and tells his stay-at-home wife "Have a good day, I'll see you tonight, and don't look in the basement."
She thinks this is curious, but decides ultimately to respect her husband's wishes. For 21 years every morning it's the same thing "Have a good day, I'll see you tonight, and don't look in the basement."

Finally, one day she can't take it anymore, her mind has been racing, so she goes down into the basement. She sees nothing but a big steamer trunk with four empty cans in it and a bag containing $3,000.

When her husband comes home, she asks him "I have to tell you I went down into the basement, I couldn't take it anymore. What's so bad about a couple of empty beercans?"

He says "Well dear, every time I cheated on you, I felt so remorseful I went down there with a beer and threw it in that old crate, but I swear to you that's the only time I've ever drank."

The wife sits and thinks "Well, four times isn't so bad I suppose. But what's with the $3,000?"

He looks at the ground and says "Whenever the trunk filled up I took it in to get cash for the empties."

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:

"God bless Mommy,
God bless Daddy,
God bless Grandma
and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this:

"God bless Mommy,
God Bless Daddy
and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:

"God bless Mommy
and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch."
_________________

Henry

This one is for Hetero:

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.

Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on."

So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home.

On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned.

He then went to answer the phone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.

She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and ...

There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!!

Eat beans - America needs the gas!

I'm actually trying to remember how this one goes and filling in my own bits before the punchline, so it's entirely possible you've heard it before with a different middle.


Guy goes into the doctor, says "Doctor, I'm very upset. The Viagra you prescribed for me isn't doing the trick. I don't know what it is, but I need something stronger. I know my wife and I already have two kids but we'd like to remain active. What can you do to help?"

The doctor says "Well, we tried Viagra and it didn't quite have the kick, so I'm now permitted to give you these... but be VERY careful as this is a very potent drug, only take one." The man nods and thanks the doctor and leaves.

Two weeks later, the man's son comes in to see the doctor, furious. He says "what the hell was in those pills you gave my father? Do you know what you did to him?" The doctor says "What happened? Did he take only one like I told him?"

The son says "What happened? He took one and nothing happened, and he was so frustrated he took the whole bottle. Now mom's dead, sis is pregnant, my ass is sore, and Dad's chasing Fluffy down the street saying 'Here kitty, kitty'."

Old man goes to the pharmacist and says "Sonny, I have this prescription for Viagra, but I want you to please cut each pill in half for me."

Pharmacist says "Sir, I can do that, but you know that you won't be able to engage in sexual activity if you take a half dose."

Old man says "Who cares about sex? I just want to stop pissing on my shoes."

What do you call a Jewish vagina?

A Can't