Some comments from earlier today that I have seen on twitter from different people. Name have been withheld to protect the guilty.

If I were a struggling, classically-trained actor, I'd be pissed every time I saw a no-talent reality star get front cover of People.

TommyBoy: "Does this tie make me look fat?" Richard: "No your face does."- Tommy Boy

My sister to my dad: "Does this dress make me look fat?" My Dad: "No, your rolls of fat make you look fat."

I feel sorry for guys who marry a golddigger who does so to divorce him for all he's worth. At least everyone knows GFEs are temporary

Just got to Miami. Shooting a calendar today. Got here early so gonna waste some time.

One of the guys bought me a buttery nipple shot to celebrate his job promotion. Not a drinker, so lying in my room to avoid the falling down

u r such a "cheap" date! I love it. It takes me more than just one drink. More like one bottle for me.

Questions I avoid learning the answer to: Who is Justin Bieber? What's in a hotdog? What could I accomplish if I wasn't on Twitter all day?

Yaay for #Prop8 Verdict! http://bit.ly/dym1zV Everyone should have the right to have at least one miserable marriage! LOL

Dan Quayle's son just called Obama 'the worst president in history;' proving the d***** doesn't fall far from the bag

Going to church doesnt make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Thou shalt not bear false witness; unless you're really really sure he's a Muslim from Kenya.

Dream on This: "Safely assume you've created God in your own image when it turns out He hates all the same people you do." -Anne Lamott

Jesus_M_Christ It's true, my Dad does talk to Glenn Beck, but only to tell him to shut the hell up