For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity (continued).
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war?
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
"Flying 'truisms'" (1 of 2)
1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
2. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
5. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.
The only thing gold about the golden years is the color of your urine.
"Flying 'truisms'" (2 of 2)
6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
7. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
8. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
9. The best-looking person of the opposite sex on your flight is never seated next to you, even if the guy at the check out counter guaranteed you a "good" seat
10. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why no Ma'am, what is it?"
"Did we land or were we shot down?"
United Airlines FA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so called "touch down."
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
De plane! De plane!
"Aircraft Landings" (2 of 2)
"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
About 5 or 6 years ago on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day. I could tell during the final that the Captain was really having to fight it, and after an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant come on the PA and announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belt fastened while the Captain taxies what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Upon landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system, "Sorry folks for the hard landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the plane's fault. It was the asphalt."
"Things You Don't Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System" (1 of 2)
1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.
2. Hey folks, were going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.
3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airlines new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.
4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock.... one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!
5. Ummmmmm.... Sorry...... (silence)
6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff).... uhhhhh.... we have to go back .... we .. we .... uhhhhhh .... forgot something.....
7. I'm sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now.
8. Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car)
"Things You Don't Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System" (2 of 2)
9. This is your Captain speaking.... these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to.. so you'll have to give me some leeway...
10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.
11. We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and ... Oh noooooooo!!!!!..
12. Don't worry! That one is always on E...
13. Get the parachutes ready...
14. Drinks are on me... or I'll have what the Captain's having...
15. Hey capt'n take another hit man...
Now let me add one more:
Where'd that flock of geese come from?
Why was there a bug in the computer?
It was looking for a byte to eat.
(Or at least a nibble.)
(But, all it found was a few bits.)
What is a computer virus?
A terminal illness.
Keyboard not found - press F1 to continue.
Press any key to continue. Press any other key to quit.
Press any key to continue. NO NO - NOT THAT ONE!
RAM disk is not a startup procedure.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard. [Oh, the old ID-ten-T problem?]
But on the other hand, artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
A man smelling of booze and cigarettes sat down on a subway next to a priest. His tie was stained, there was red lipstick on his collar and face and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me Father, do you happen to know what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My son, it's caused by loose living, consorting with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned", then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The man answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope suffers from it."
MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.
A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
In Switzerland they had brotherly love, five hundred years of democracy and peace, and what did they produce? The cuckoo clock!
Mike was telling his buddy Hank about his guns. He said he had a 38 by his recliner, a 45 next to his bed and a 357 under the kitchen table:
Hank: What are you afraid of?
Mike: Not a damn thing.
A guy said his town was so small that the only heavy industry was a 300 pound Avon lady.
It wasn't the apple that caused the problem in the Garden of Eden. It was the pair on the ground.
There was a pear on the ground? I don't recall that part of the story.
Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
The difference between the Pope and your boss.... the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
This is a detective story so pay close attention!!!
Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first Diamondbacks baseball game. They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniel's into the ball park. The game is real exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely mixing the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks. Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go.
Based on the given information, what inning is it and how many players are on base?
Think some more!!
You're gonna love it......
ANSWER: It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded.
Three absent-minded professors were talking together in a bus terminal. They got so engrossed in what they were saying that they didn't notice the bus had pulled in.
As the driver sang out, "All aboard," they looked up startled and dashed from the platform. Two of them managed to hop on the bus, but the third didn't make it.
As he stood sadly watching the bus disappear into the distance, a stranger tried to cheer him up, saying, "You shouldn't feel too bad. Two out of three made it, and that's a pretty good average."
The professor shook his head. "But THEY came to see ME off."
HOW TO PHOTOGRAPH A NEW PUPPY
1. Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
13. Put magazines back on coffee table.
14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"
17. Clean up mess.
18. Sit back in chair with lemonade and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.
Success is dependent on effort.
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)
Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing.
Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
Carolyn: It's SW's birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked him what he wanted for a present.
Charlotte: What'd he ask for?
Carolyn: He said, "I don't know. Surprise me. Give me something with diamonds in it." That's why I'm giving him a deck of playing cards.
(I guess she thought it would suit him!)
Q: Why are New Yorkers always depressed?
A: The light at the end of their tunnel is New Jersey