A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.
The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment - I spit on your ties. I need water!
"Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk - and only $5."
"Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you, but I must conserve my energy and find water!"
“Okay," said the little old Jewish man, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need...Go In Peace!”
Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead and gasped, “They won't let me in without a tie”!
A father often read Bible stories to his young children.
One day he read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."
His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
[Maybe the flea flew through a flaw in the flue? Along with a fly? ]
King of Tarts
Knowing her husband's habit of sampling her baking, a woman left a note on a dozen mince tarts reading: 'Counted - one dozen.'
When she returned, two tarts were missing and the note had been altered to read: 'One metric dozen.'
Two rules for life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
Did you hear about the family who was evicted from their tree house? The bank says they didn't pay their mortgage, but the family says it's a mix-up because they recently switched branches.
(Well now, that would leave them out on a limb, wouldn't it? Let's hope they have a nest egg someplace. )
Little Johnny Jokes
Little Johnny's class were on an outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, of the ten most wanted men, tacked to a bulletin board. On the way out of the police station Little Johnny said to the officer, "it was so nice of you to put my daddy's picture up there."
(Well, that's worth a thousand words, or what! )
Judge: Do I understand that you're trying to show contempt for this court?
Lawyer: No your honor. I am trying to hide it.
HOW TO START A FIGHT
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered.. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
: Female Jokes
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.' Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Clean my house."
A woman goes to talk to the salesman from who she has just purchased a car.
Woman: My car is a 6 cylinder.
Woman: I just found out I could have had a V8.
Fred asks his friend John where's he's going on vacation.
John: I just read a book that says I should stay home.
Fred: What book was that?
John: My check book.
Sounds like he's out of balance.
: Judges Jokes
"What is your occupation?" asked the judge.
"I'm a locksmith, your honor."
"And what were you doing in the jeweler's shop at three in the morning when the police officers entered?'
" I was making a bolt for the door!"
Two moose hunters from Texas are flown into a remote lake in Alaska. They have a good hunt and both manage to get a large moose. When the plane returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says, "This little plane won't lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those animals. You'll have to leave one. We'd never make it over the trees on the take off."
"That's baloney!" says one of the hunters. "Yeah," the other agrees, "you're just chicken. We came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts! He wasn't afraid to take off!"
"Yeah", said the first hunter, "and his plane wasn't any bigger than yours!"
The pilot got angry, and said, "Hell, if he did it, then I can do it! I can fly as well as anybody!"
They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and the plane almost made it, but didn't have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It clipped the tops, then flipped, then broke up, scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush.
Still alive, but hurt and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear it, and said, "Where are we?"
One of the hunters rolled out from being thrown into a bush, looked around and said, "I'd say ... About a hundred yards further than last year."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." (Groucho Marx)
(And probably not much elbow room, either.)
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base." (Dave Barry)
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[Gee, ya think?]
Eye Drops off Shelf
[All the better to see with?]
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
[That'll motivate them!]
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
[Ran out of syrup?]
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
[Hold still, now...]
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
[That could lead to udder failure.]
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
[Pull up! Pull up!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[Well that's childish of them!]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[They made them assistants in magic acts?]
These are actual headlines that appeared in newspapers....
"Priest in Fatal Crash Improves" (Lakeland (Florida) Ledger)
"Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link" (Cornell Daily Sun)
"Car, Hearse, Collide: One Dead in Crash" (Raleigh News and Observer)
Psychics predict World Didn't end yesterday.
Sun or Rain expected today, Dark tonight.
Same old, same old.....
A first-grade teacher supposedly handed her class the first part of well-known proverbs and asked them to fill in the rest.......
It's always darkest before..... daylight-savings time.
Don't bite the hand that....... looks dirty
You can't teach an old dog new..... math
If you lie down with dogs, you'll.... stink in the morning
A penny saved is.... not much
Laugh, and the world laughs with you; cry and ..... you have to blow your nose.
Children should be seen and not.... grounded
When the blind leadeth the blind.... get out of the way.
Why did The man name his dog Five Miles?
So he could tell everyone that he walks five miles every day.
Physics lessening for the day...
It has been argued that most of the great strides in theoretical physics had already been made as the twentieth century comes to a close. Yet, a neglected area of study are the physics governing behavior in cartoon land.
Below is a codification of some of the physical regularities governing that universe.
Cartoon Law I
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.
Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second squared takes over.
Cartoon Law II
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly.
Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.
Cartoon Law III
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.
Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the specialty of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
Cartoon Law IV
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.
Cartoon Law V
Gravity is negated by fear.
Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole.
The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
Cartoon Law VI
The number of locations an object can occupy at any point in time is increasing in that object's velocity.
This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A `wacky' character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
Unexplained Stylized Fact
Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot.
This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations. A corollary to this fact is that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. I
Cartoon Law VII
A cat will assume the shape of its container.
Cartoon Law VIII
Everything falls faster than an anvil.
Cartoon Law IX
A sharp object will always propel a character upward.
When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.
Cartoon Law X
The laws of object permanence are nullified for "cool" characters.
Dynamite is spontaneously generated in "C-spaces" (spaces in which cartoon laws hold). The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the universe which postulated that the tensions involved in maintaining a space would cause the creation of hydrogen from nothing. Dynamite quanta are quite large (stick sized) and unstable (lit). Such quanta are attracted to psychic forces generated by feelings of distress in "cool" characters
The Road Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking.
Cartoon Law XI
Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries. They merely turn characters temporarily black and smoky.
Cartoon Law XI
Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths.
This operation can be witnessed by observing the behavior of a canine suspended over a large vertical drop. Its feet will begin to fall first causing its legs to stretch. As the wave reaches its torso, that part will begin to fall, causing the neck to stretch. As the head begins to fall, tension is released and the canine will resume its regular proportions until such time as it strikes the ground.
(Not to mention that stuff from Acme rarely works, but apparently can be afforded even by somebody that can't manage to buy groceries... )
Chemistry lessen for the day...
Two atoms talking:
Atom 1: "I think I lost an electron."
Atom 2: "Are you sure?"
Atom 1: "I'm positive."
Technology lessen for the day...
Keyboard not found - press F1 to continue.
If the network goes down, send an e-mail.
: Teachers Jokes
Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.
Much to their relief she smiled and said: "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."
Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said:
"First Question: Which tire was flat?"
(That sounds like a deflating experience!)
MEGA M0R0N AWARDS
Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?]
He was a wise man who invented beer. --Plato
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine Zandonella
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. --W.C. Fields
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry
Not to mention that old saying: "beauty is in the eye of the beer holder".