The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all.
Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'oh ****," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted."
Jasper met his buddy, Eric, at a bar. Noticing Eric was better dressed than usual Jasper said, "Nice threads, man. Where'd you pick 'em up?"
"My old lady got them for me." said Eric. "Pretty sharp, huh?"
"I'll say. What was the occasion?" asked Jasper.
"Got me." replied Eric, "I came home from work early the other day and there they were, hanging over the chair in the bedroom."
Prayer for Leroy
In a Detroit church one Sunday morning, a preacher said,
"Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak"
For Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great Enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood
Back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday."
1. How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path.
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall?
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
7. What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't Work?
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
11. What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?
12. What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire?
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
19. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....
True story... a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait...
Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm...
Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.
An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg...
Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth.
There was an Indian chief who installed electric lights in the tribal latrine, thus becoming the first Indian to wire a head for a reservation.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
The elder priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "I know you were reaching out to the young people when you had bucket seats put in to replace the first four pews. It worked. We got the front of the church filled first."
The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "And, you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir that packed us to the balcony."
"So," asked the young priest, "what's the problem?"
"Well, said the elder priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.
"But Father", protests the young priest. "My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!"
"I know, my son, but the flashing "Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell" neon sign really has to go."
MECHANIC'S TOOL GUIDE - Ladies, here is your chance to *finally* find out.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your drink across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting doggy-doo off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards. NAIVE
Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
OK...so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" The Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs" What does that make the Tennessee Titans?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.
Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us. [Even if it's off key?]
What was Noah's wife's name?
, Joan of Ark
If Walmart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?
You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly: "How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
What are four hundred rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare line.
[Hare today, gone tomorrow? Wascally Wabbits. ]
I used to work at a Goodyear service center but I found it tiring. I left there and went to Midas but now I come home exhausted. I think I'll open a gym and call it Waist Management.
[After all, a waist is a terrible thing to mind. ]
Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
Dijon vu: The same mustard as before.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it'll be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."