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Chronic...
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Apparently, independent studies have discovered that the internet is an addictive agent which, they say, is just as powerful as drugs or alcohol. However, researchers go on to say that the internet is actually much more dangerous than these addictive substances since it is a terminal addiction.

(But with proper precautions one can take a byte out of the problem! Or at least a nibble!)
 
Posts: 9937 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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A senior citizen was walking down the street and he came upon a young boy crying his eyes out:

Senior Citizen: Why are you crying young man?

Young Boy: I'm crying because I can't do what the big boys do.

Senior Citizen: I know exactly what you are talking about.
 
Posts: 116200 | Location: Sunny Florida | Mbr Since: 10-06-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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What was the name of the brothers who built a plane that would not fly?

The Wrong brothers.
 
Posts: 116200 | Location: Sunny Florida | Mbr Since: 10-06-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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Leena was tired of her husband coming home drunk, and decided to scare him straight. One night, she put on a devil costume and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home. When her husband walked by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail and pitchfork.

"Who are you?" he slurred.

"I'm the devil," she answered.

"Well, come on home with me," he said. "I married your sister."

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( The devil you say! )
 
Posts: 9937 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

(Yeah, that guy needs lessons awright. Maybe from the Snowman and the Bandit?)

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Posts: 9937 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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: One Liners Jokes

Q: What sits on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

-

A: A nervous wreck!

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Q: What do you call a skeleton who refuses to help around the house?

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A: Lazybones

(No bones about it!)

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Posts: 9937 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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: Genie Jokes

One day a genie appeared to a California man and offered to grant him one wish.

The man said:" I wish you'd build a bridge from here to Hawaii so I could drive there anytime."

The genie frowned "I don't know. It sounds like quite an undertaking," he said. "Just think of the logistics. The supports required reaching the bottom of the ocean, the concrete, and the steel! Why don't you pick something else?"

The man thought for a while and then said, "Okay, I wish for a complete understanding of women- what they are thinking, why they cry. I wish I knew how to make a woman truly happy".

The genie was silent for a minute, then said "So how many lanes did you want on that bridge?"

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(Lanes?!? What about gas stations, rest rooms, restaurants, motels? Wink   ;) )
 
Posts: 9937 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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"Time, we know, is relative. You can travel light years through the stars and back, and if you do it at the speed of light then, when you return, you may have aged mere seconds while your twin brother or sister will have aged twenty, thirty, forty or however many years it is, depending on how far you traveled. This will come to you as a profound shock, particularly if you didn't know you had a twin brother or sister."

(Don't we just love temporal mechanics? Grin, Duck, Run    :gdr: )

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Posts: 9937 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Expected Mergers

For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2012:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Company will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. PolyGram Records, Warner Brothers, and Zest Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.

And finally...

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

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Posts: 9937 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had rare brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before .... I took a bus home.

Sure enough I passed a roadblock but as it was a bus they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it!

If you know of anybody missing a bus please let me know so I can arrange to return it.

Thanks Smile-Big   :D

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(But, watch out for the wrath of grapes, if you Kahn. )

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Posts: 9937 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Jim and Joe are talking:

Jim: What did you get for your wife last Christmas?

Joe: A cemetery plot.

Jim: That's nice. What are you getting her next Christmas?

Joe: Nothing! She hasn't used what I got her last Christmas.
 
Posts: 116200 | Location: Sunny Florida | Mbr Since: 10-06-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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How To Tell What Your Son Will Grow Up To Be: Put a bible, an apple and a dollar bill on a table in a room and send him in. If he takes the bible he will grow up to be a preacher. If he takes the apple he will grow up to be a farmer. If he takes the dollar bill he will grow up to be a business man. If he takes the bible and the apple and pockets the dollar bill he will grow up to be a politician.
 
Posts: 116200 | Location: Sunny Florida | Mbr Since: 10-06-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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What's a shotgun wedding?

A case of wife or death.

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Posts: 9937 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Copied from an earlier BB:

My computer is in my dining area, right at the door that goes to the galley kitchen. I don't have a 'desk chair' that I keep there...so I just take one of the dining table chairs and use that.

Sometimes, if I'm just checking quick.. I won't bother with the chair and I'll just kneel down and tap the keyboard, scan quick.. and get up.

Well, I'm kneeling and typing.. and son comes downstairs and walks by saying..

"ahhhh, kneel before the computer god."

I cracked up big time!!!! and got my chair.

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Posts: 9937 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, MI was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror to blot it and would leave dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. He called all the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

THE MORAL OF THIS STORY..

There are teachers, and then there are Educators.

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(Then there are those who only pay lip service... )
 
Posts: 9937 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Overheard in a garage:

First Woman: "I expect they'll be raising gas prices again."
Second Woman: "Won't affect me. I always put in $20 worth."

(Eat beans - America needs the gas!)

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Posts: 9937 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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What do you call it when two egotists butt heads?

An I for an I.

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Posts: 9937 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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What did the bartender ask Charles Dickens when he ordered a martini?

Olive or Twist?

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Posts: 9937 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Grandmas and Birth Control

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?"

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks... and believe me, it helps me sleep at night."

You gotta love Grandmas!

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Posts: 9937 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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John asked Jim what his favorite winter sport was.

Jim's reply: Sleighing


John: Other than hunting.
 
Posts: 116200 | Location: Sunny Florida | Mbr Since: 10-06-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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1. Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"

Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

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Posts: 9937 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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2. A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"

The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, because I still have mine."

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Posts: 9937 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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3. "Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

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Posts: 9937 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Judge: "Mr. Clark, are you trying to show contempt for this court?"

Defendant: "No, your Honor, I'm trying to hide it."

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Posts: 9937 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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4. A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all'"

"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

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Posts: 9937 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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