The trouble with political elections is that every candidate is somebody dumb enough to want the job!
Also, "poly" is a prefix that means many, and tick is a small blood sucking creature. Put them together?
Then there was the airline pilot who announced that they were hitting turbulence caused by rising columns of hot air - something that happens often over Washington DC.
The trouble with political jokes is that too many of them are running for office.
(And another trouble is all those annoying TV commercials, but never mind that.)
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried a creative defense to get his client off the hook. "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few paltry items. His arm is not himself, so I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed solely by his arm."
"Well put," the judge replied with a grin. "Using that same logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. Your client can accompany the arm or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's help, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.
(So did that leave the judge out on a limb?)
Douglas Adams Trinkets
"A common mistake people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools."
"In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were REAL men, women were REAL women, and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were REAL small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri."
"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."
"If human beings don't keep exercising their lips, he thought, their mouths probably seize up. After a few months consideration and observation he abandoned this theory in favor of a new one. If they don't keep on exercising their lips, he thought, their brains start working."
"There is a theory which states that if anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another which states that this has already happened."
...Man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much... the wheel, New York, wars, and so on, whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely the dolphins believed themselves to be more intelligent than man for precisely the same reasons.
Subject: COMPUTER ERROR
I was having trouble with my computer.
So I called Sean, the computer guy, to come over.
Sean clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired. "An ID ten T error?"
What's that in case I need to fix it again?"
Sean grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote down I D 1 0 T.
I used to like Sean.....
Subject: Wisconsin Duck Hunters
HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN?
ABSOLUTELY TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.
A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of $560.00).
He and a friend go duck hunting in mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are frozen.
These two guys go on a lake with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the New NAVIGATOR.
They decide they want to make a natural looking water area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce.
So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along With the Navigator), decide on the following course of action: they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG...???
Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING !!!
Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: the dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.
The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming. One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. !
The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused then continues on.
Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator.
The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dogs rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.
The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake,
leaving the two idiots standing there with...... "I can't believe this just happened" looks on their faces. The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. He still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments...The dog is okay...
Newspaper item from Wisconsin...
AND THEY MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE IN THE SOUTH?
(Yeah, those guys seem to be up a creek without a vehicle. On account of the vehicle had a quack up. Daffy, isn't it?)
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
THIS IS THE BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY.
A Charlotte, North Carolina lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars and then insured them against fire, among other things.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued. and WON!
In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer "held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".
NOW FOR THE BEST PART!
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
ONLY IN AMERICA! No wonder third world countries think we're nuts!
The math teacher saw that little Timmy wasn't paying attention in Class.
She called on him and said, "Timmy! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Timmy quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
( Timmy must have been channeling somebody to get that answer so quickly!
Or at least that seems like a remote possibility. )
( But on the other hand, since NBC is 5, and CBS is 10, and cartoon is 77, he got it wrong! )
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
A good pun is its own reword.
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?
A visiting minister at the start of the offertory prayer:
"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."
He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, what is butt dust?"
Church was pretty much over at that point ...
What's the penalty for bigamy?
Computer terms (1 of 4):
The window of time in which systems are most vulnerable to attack
Access Control List (ACL)
The operating system file that gives users access to files and programs they have no good reason to access
A mercenary paid vast sums of money to tell you that your systems can't be secured
A hacker's front door
A process you don't need until you don't do it
BC/DR (Business Continuity/Disaster Recovery Planning)
An alternate spelling for "CISO"
Strong authentication mechanism that streamlines insider attacks
A creative writing project, the quality of which is directly proportional to your security budget
Two types of easily hacked computers
Clean desk policy
What document users admit to ignoring during your intellectual property theft investigation
Computer terms (2 of 4):
Confidentiality, integrity and availability
The three great myths of the Internet Age
The science of applying a complex set of mathematical algorithms to sensitive data with the aim of making Bruce Schneier exceedingly rich
Distributed Denial of Service (DDoS)
Refers to computer systems' natural state; the opposite of anticipated downtime
A historical fad from the late '90s meant to generate hundreds of billions of dollars in new profits; the inciting factor that generated hundreds of billions of dollars being spent on security products
[Or, that girl in the Jurassic Park movie]
A place where rude people read instruction manuals to confused people over the phone, for a fee
The transfer of your personally identifying information from corporations that want to exploit it to hackers who want to exploit it
Computer terms (3 of 4):
Intrusion Detection Systems (IDS)
Log file generators
adj. Acronym for Just One Of Those Things; the primary explanation for most information security problems
[Is that a synonym of "SNAFU"?]
A computer designed to allow employees to easily store vast amounts of customer data in the backseat of a taxicab
The practice of filling shelves with printouts
A goal; also, an oxymoron
adj. Term used to help hackers identify their targets
The opposite of repudiation; repudiation, only not
An attempt to secure your operating system against the next hack by closing the hole used by the previous one
Authentication tool that, when properly implemented, drives growth at the help desk
A mandatory fool's errand
Pharming and phishing
Ways to obtain phood
Computer terms (3.999997 of 4):
PKI (Public-Key Infrastructure)
A system designed to transfer all of the complexities of strong authentication onto end users
The process by which you learn how the patches that fixed your system also broke your system
Traveling employees responsible for delivering malicious code back to headquarters
Stage three of the standard software development model
Total Cost of Ownership (TCO)
In security, an incalculable number always equal to or greater than the budget
The process by which you introduce new vulnerabilities into software
[Or merely to add obstructions to actually doing anything useful with that software.]
Sort of like a worm, but not exactly
Similar to a virus, but different
[Where's an early bird when you need one?]
See "Distributed Denial of Service"
A Buffalo Bills fan wants 6 players from the team to be his pallbearers. He said he wants them to let him down one last time.
Test Answers, 1 of 3: In any school district, one must give credit to the creative minds among us. These are actual test answers given by kids of varying ages from different schools.
Q: Name the 4 seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.
Q: Explain 1 of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep, canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
COSTELLO: For my office?
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".......
Not just the Third World, I can assure you.
Do you know what we Scots call an illegitimate insect?
A fly wee b******d.
And what's a fly wee b******d?
One of those youngsters who are too smart for their own good.
“There will be a lot of people watching who will wonder what does a true Scotsman wear under his kilt, and I can tell you a true Scotsman will never tell you what he wears under his kilt. He will show you at the drop of a hat” – Fred MacCaulay
What is the difference between a Scottish sheep farmer and a Rolling Stones song?
One says, ‘Hey you, get off of my cloud!”, and the other says, ‘Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe!’ – Reddit
I understand this., Do you?
The Queen hosts a garden party in Scotland. When the Scottish waiter arrives with a tray of cakes, she asks, “Is that a scone, or a meringue?”
The waiter replies: “Naw, yer quite right, that’s a scone.”
“In Scotland we have mixed feelings about Global Warming. Because we all get to sit on the mountains and watch the English drown.” – Frankie Boyle
“Las Vegas and Glasgow have a lot in common. they’re the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips.” – Frankie Boyle
“When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a woman’s body. Then I was born.” Yianni (2015)
“I was very naive sexually. My first boyfriend asked me to do missionary and I buggered off to Africa for six months.” Hayley Ellis (2012)
“My husband’s penis is like a semi colon. I can’t remember what it’s for and I never use it anyway.” Mary Bourke (2012)
“I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn’t let me.” Ria Lina (2014)
“I’ve decided to stop masturbating, since then I’ve not really felt myself.” Tom Toal (2015)
“I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting.” Paddy Lennox (2009)
“I think if you were hardcore anti-feminism, surely you wouldn’t call yourself ‘anti-feminism’ would you? You’d call yourself ‘Uncle Feminism’.” Jenny Collier (2016)
“My ex-girlfriend would always ask me to text her when I got in. That’s how small my penis is.” Rhys James (2015)
“Oregon leads America in both marital infidelity and clinical depression. What a sad state of affairs.” Paul Savage (2017)
Test Answers, 2 of 3: In any school district, one must give credit to the creative minds among us. These are actual test answers given by kids of varying ages from different schools.
Q: How are the main parts of the body (e. g, abdomen) categorized?
A: The body is consisted into three parts-the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the 5 bowels: A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.
Test Answers, 3 of 3: In any school district, one must give credit to the creative minds among us. These are actual test answers given by kids of varying ages from different schools.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be 8.
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and look forward to his adultery.
Q: What is the Law of Logical Argument?
A: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
|Never goes away...|
“Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.”
I love it with or without the question!